THE WEEDS: ITāS NOT YOU, ITāS ME (GENUINELY)
Accepting the fact I am the factor that causes a lot of the problems around me has been more challenging than I initially thought. And before anyone wants to defend me by saying āno, youāre not the problem, lifeās being unkindā - I donāt want pity, nor do I want sympathy. I have been so far absorbed in my own problems that I have forgotten others have it just as hard, or harder, than I do. I couldāve yelled at somebody through my own frustration and that person couldāve lost a parent this year. I couldāve taken my anger out on somebody who was diagnosed with terminal cancer two weeks ago. I can be inconsiderate at times even when I have the best interests at heart and thatās not something I quite understand, but I am more than willing to.
Nowadays a lot of people are obsessed with using the excuse of āthatās just who I amā to defend their shitty actions. Sounds a lot like me, huh. Labels are given too freely to those who donāt have a sorry excuse, and those labels are taken too seriously by those who donāt need them. Being diagnosed with ADHD, BPD, ODD and RSD all within three months of each other this year has taken its toll on me. This is all so new to me that Iāve been focusing my energies on those four labels. That focus was supposed to be recovery, but from a dear friend who told me to stop living in my mental illnesses, I have learned that eight out of twenty six letters of the alphabet do not define who I am and who I have the potential to be. (Thank you Elise for that well-needed kick up the ass.) I am more, I can be more, and I will be more. So can you.
Delving into my flaws was a struggle for me at first considering my perfectionist streak (funnily enough a huge flaw of mine). By diving in headfirst to search for the root of my problems, I found that a large fraction of my personality is flawed to say the least. I am irrational and pessimistic. I push those I love away from me because I refuse to accept I am deserving of love and compassion. I argue with those I care about to see if they genuinely want to stay, or whether they pity me. I let traumatic past experiences stunt my desire to jump into something new. I think the worst of myself and because of this, I exude the worst. What you think of yourself, and your attitude to life, reflects your energy whether intentional or not. You cannot expect positive energy without radiating it first.
Sometimes the only way you can better yourself is by taking a long hard look at who you are and dissecting your mind. Think of your life as the garden you grew, and will continue to grow. Think of all the issues in this current moment in your life as one pesky weed that wonāt go away. You try to get rid of it with that special weed killer, labelled āCoping Mechanismsā, but the weed continues to thrive. Your weed killer is made up of the ingredients you think are best to kill your gardenās weeds. A few examples may include a dash of Running Away From Your Problems, a splash of Concealing How You Feel Because You Refuse to Accept Vulnerability, and a fat dose of Lashing Out at Others Instead of Confronting Your Own Issues. You tell yourself that the ingredients in the weed killer you see as vital will kill any weed, and that theyāre 100% healthy and safe to use in your garden. The weed killer works at times, but that big old weed keeps on coming back. Why? Stop and think for a second: everybody knows to truly kill a weed is toā¦dig it up by the roots. You may think differently, but at times it is necessary to dig deep into your issues, and maybe, just maybe, thereāll be a pool of your own personal weed killer where the roots are. Evaluating how healthy my coping strategies really are is something I had to do recently - I never thought I had to, but my coping mechanisms were hurting more people than solving any of my real issues. Sometimes you are your own problem, and as long as you can accept that and work on it, you will be okay.
This isnāt a pity party. This is more of an admittance speech. Sort of an apology to those who have been hurt by my words and actions. Recovery does not happen overnight, and you may have a blip here and there, but that doesnāt mean youāll never get there in the end. Shed the shell of your diagnosis, accept that it does NOT define you, and become something rather than a textbook anecdote of your symptoms.
titsay
snowghoul
germansingergirl
origamiaround
gummygunk
theartofmadeline
janainaart
