A relationship I can’t afford to have.
I wish people talked about toxic relationships more. About how difficult it is to leave it. About how to overcome it.
Maybe it’s just because I don’t often search for these topics, but whenever I do come across it - it’s usually from someone else’s point of view. I rarely ever see anything from the victims point of view. And - I guess I sort of want to talk about it.
No one ever told me how hard it was to escape it.
I know this specific persons bad for me. I know they cause me harm. I see it in the way my mental health depleted - how I avoided people because I didn’t want to be around them. How I felt disregarded, invalidated and forgotten around them - and at the same time wanted so badly to stay with them.
I watched so many of my friends almost leave me because of how much bad we were bringing out in each other. And I never realised until it was almost too late.
Hate breeds hate. I guess I should have recognised it faster.
I have to clarify that not everything was their fault either. I cannot put every drop of blame them, and neither can I say that I was the complete victim in this scenario.
We brought out the worse in each other. We are both at fault.
So I cut my contact. For the benefit of us both, I took the initiative to block and leave first.
But every single day after - I regretted my choice. I mulled, I wished, I thought about being friends with them again. I craved their companionship, their presence and I felt extremely lonely and had a deep sense of isolation even though I was now surrounded with friends who supported me.
Sometimes it takes everything I have to prevent myself from pressing ‘send’. From apologising and begging to be friends again.
We are toxic for each other.
If we became friends again, we would fall back.
I would hurt other people, and we would hurt each other.
I am happier here.
I am healthier here.
I am better here than I was back then.
But sometimes I wonder...
What would happen if I had pressed ‘send’?