warning: im about to get personal for a minute (sexual shit)
i used to be okay with sex for the most part. like it was obvious i was into way too much shit for my age but like i was okay. then shit happened. and now if i think of a sexual thing or god forbid jack off i get scared and most of the time will start crying. like the amount of times I've stopped in the middle of jacking off bc i was crying or finished (i told u its personal man) while being terrified or having tears running down my face is astounding. and even worse only bad shit can get me off at this point. like its always stuff that reminds me of the things ive went through. a loving relationship? cute but doesn't get me off. a guy borderline using a young looking girl in a shower? fucking terrifies me but it does its job. and its leaking into my relationships with friends. i can barely hug people for too long and don't even think about cuddling anyone. the idea of even my s/o cuddling me makes me want to cry and throw up. i just want to get better. i hate pushing all my problems onto people. im just so tired of being seen as work.
