Finding My Voice

My journey of redefining my voice.

[crisptuna]

wurk

I think I know why I get so uncomfortable with my co-workers. They’re all very nice, all really put in the effort to be inclusive, and have been nothing but kind to me. But the thing is that I realized recently that they’re all so....close to one another? Like they’re all friends with one another and all get along so well. And I feel like maybe because I’m new to this organization and that I feel like my stay here is so temporary, that I don’t want to put in the effort to integrate into the staff. Not like I don’t feel welcome. It’s not that. But also, there’s an age difference between me and the rest of them because I’m in my early twenties (and almost MID-TWENTIES -- WHAT !!!!) and they’re all 30+ and the youngest person on staff besides me is someone who just turned 27 today. I envy their sense of community here in this organization, but I don’t feel exactly...part of it because I think I intentionally separate myself. 

[crisptuna]

Another Ramble.

AmeriCorps is such a crazy experience. I am truly grateful for the people I was surrounded with. We’ve all experienced challenges in those ten months but I truly care for all of them so much!! Humans are such complex creatures and living with 10 others for 10 months and becoming so close with them all (and not having them actually be related to me) and learning to love them all...It’s all so crazy. They really became my family away from home. And my heart is full when I think about those crazy kids. I actually really miss them sometimes. Those stupid jokes we all had, the random moments of bursting into song, or random dance parties, or all our bits we had with each other. Ugh. Those moments will be what I remember for the rest of my life. Thinking back on the last weeks of AmeriCorps, I feel like it’s a montage of the end of a coming-of-age movie. So feel good. So bittersweet. My lovely little people. All so complicated yet, so simple. 

Cue a fade-in of Country roads

[crisptuna]

One moment in a day. Reflect.

Taking a second to look in the mirror, I slowly tip my head to the side, somewhat admiring it but also critiquing it. I guess I am glad at where I am right now, but I’ve let the momentum die, I think to myself as I pull at my belly to flatten it. I’m not happy about the straightness of my midsection, but I let that thought slip as I look for some good in my body. In routine, I turn to see a profile of my body, notice the curves, the ones I don’t want and the ones that I wish were a little more accentuated. My hand runs over my bottom end, then turning away from the mirror but glancing back to look at myself from behind, I create a roll on my back. A roll of fat. I stare at it for a second, my attention off of my butt now, and purse my lips in observation and then I frown a little. Ugh...I need to work out. I know...it’s not exactly a healthy habit to have, but it happens. It happens when I change and I see my reflection. Almost every time actually. In my brain, after I wrap up my critiques, I mentally try to plan out some time to exercise. Maybe in the morning, before work, I can get up an hour earlier and do some yoga to start off or go for a walk. Usually, it doesn’t happen because I don’t sleep early enough, and I also value sleep more than I do physical activity at that time of day. I understand that exercise is important for my health too and not just for physical aesthetics...but I would feel so much more confident if I could just have a body shaped like my mind wished it was shaped. 

If we’re thinking about progress though, I have lost weight but I let the momentum die. And I did really really hate my body for a little bit. I had to re-learn to appreciate it and to love it, and it was all in the process of exercising too! It was like understanding all of my body’s capabilities and being proud of what it could do, and through that, I saw myself as more capable overall which built my confidence. I cared a little less about the way it looked because I knew what it could do, my body did also start to shape up and I was also really proud of that. 

I want to be able to get back to that. I love the feeling of being proud of my body, of being confident in my capabilities. One step at a time. I got this. 

[crisptuna]

Another Ramble; but this time, about work.

I feel like I am at a low right now. Not only am I recovering from illness (a few days of fevers, debilitating headaches, body aches, and dizzy, foggy brain -- also probably fatigue), but also at work, I feel...lost. Hahaha, I just wrote about a time when I felt lost and here’s another moment! 

I am included in many of these meetings here, mostly Staff Meetings and Program Director (PD) Meetings. There are a lot of talks of transitioning from our old structures and forming new structures, also a couple of our staff members are leaving. This will move other staff members around to pick up the slack until we find people to replace them (eventually), but it means a lot of people are filling new roles or picking up extra responsibilities. That also means that the people lower on the totem pole are getting new supervisors or kinda moved to new departments. 

So there’s a lot of confusion on the basic level of a new person coming in and not understanding the context of everything and the new transitions, but also, everyone here is all quickly trying to figure everything out on their own before the new school year starts and I’m really really trying to keep up. It's like I’m grasping at straws and they all just keep falling through my fingers!

I currently feel like lying on the floor and melting through the lines, like an ice cube on a hot grill. I’d be half gas and half liquid, but the good news is that I won’t physically be around. 

I want to be able to ask questions, and I do ask when I know what I don’t know...but when I don’t know what I don’t know...?? What questions do I ask then? I am hoping the weekend approaches quickly! I am so much in need of time to rest my brain.

[crisptuna]

Prompt: Write about a time you were lost.

Well, I’m lost more often than not. So I honestly cannot remember the first time I was ever lost, nor can I remember how often I’ve been lost. Whether it’s me being physically lost or mentally lost, it happens too often. Though this morning, I don’t know if I’d say I was lost of not, I was more spaced out and not on track. As I am currently recovering from a fever and illness. In the past few days, I’ve been going through periods of high fevers and sweaty bedsheets, and other times of cold shivers and layers of clothes under my blankets. I had a pounding, debilitating headache and felt as if a lethargy spell was put upon me. Sunday, I felt fine, but Monday came around and I felt like I got hit by a bus. However, it was Labor Day, so I didn’t have to come to work that day. The next day, I was lucky enough to use my 8 hours of working outside of the office to stay at home. Today, I couldn’t afford to not come, also, I’m feeling so much better now. Just last night, I had a fever of 102.4. 

Anyway, back on the topic of being lost. This morning, my tired, tired brain woke up at 7am to shower and get ready for work. Though I wore no makeup nor did I dress up real nice, my brain felt as if it were only half working. I would catch myself just staring off at something, sometimes lost in thought, other times, just blank. Hahahahaha! Just thinking of myself staring off blankly is so funny to me. I haven’t been like this since...god knows when hahaha. My brain is still fuzzy as I am writing this. I cannot wait to go home and eat and then sleep. 3 more hours friends, just 3 more hours. 

[crisptuna]

Just Rambling

How crazy!!!

I’m really missing Gold 3 right now. What the hell lol. Sitting in Common Cup, a cafe in Ann Arbor, and the song “Rock Me Mama” is playing and I immediately think about Gold 3. Then right after that, “Rivers and Roads” plays and it’s just so crazy! Why are these songs playing back to back. They’re not even songs that are alike at all....and yet they play and they remind me of my team. They remind me of all the times we spent together. Times full of laughter and love, crazy chaos, shouting that was sometimes a little too loud, and most of all, singing. We as a group sang a lot. What a beautiful time it was. What a wonderfully, confusing, heart-warming, crazy journey it was. Eleven complete strangers thrown together, and we as humans, find the skill to really come together as a family and support each other where we can and make the most of what we have. I love those crazy people. 

Spending 10 months with them really gave me perspective. It wasn’t like we all always saw everything eye-to-eye, but we have to be willing to get along and learn to care for each other despite the differences. And really being able to see that and even do that is honestly, a transforming experience. I’d love to see them all again. My heart would burst from the love and happiness I would get from that. 

[crisptuna]

Hi.

Hello there endless void. I know no one is there, but writing this as if there were other people listening - er, reading this post is like I’m narrating my journey to an audience or something. Anyway, starting this job here at 826michigan here in Detroit is kinda forcing me to get back into writing. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time anyway. Since I’ve started high school (I think), I’ve stopped writing. I mean I still take time to write in my journal once in a while, and I try to write in activity journals I’ve acquired along the way but really doing some creative writing? It’s been too long. I want to come back to a space where I truly feel creative, like I’m living on a high, where all this creative energy thats been created right in my core, has an outlet to be poured out into. I want to correctly translate whatever this energy is. Much like my poor Hmong that I speak, I mostly understand it all in my head, but when it comes out, it’s hard for me to really translate its meaning. How can I expect it to become better if I don’t practice right?

An especially now since I am now, in a way, representing 826michigan, I need to step it up...because it’s not just me now. It’s this wonderful organization, and also, I’m expected to guide young people in this world of words and expression! (Also my co-workers here are kinda depending on me). So this is gonna be my first post. I hope my posts are gonna be frequent.

Okay. Signing off.