catherine

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getting ready for dinner after the beach >>>

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oh gosh how hard it is to form a thought when u need it most

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men will never understand

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that one time i was swirling into insanity (diary entry)

July 14th, 24

I can’t keep it inside anymore! i’ll explode!  i don’t know exactly what i’ll explode from. is it this new job i started? i’m completely new to it hence it’s overwhelming. i’ll slowly get used to it though, today was only the first day. 

maybe the job was just a straw that broke the camel’s back and triggered what was underneath. or maybe i’m just overromanticising the…i can’t even say it.

i keep finding myself wanting to tell him all the good stuff that happens, i want him to hear it first. all the bad as well, it’s like i just…WHAT THE F-Hell AM I EVEN THINKING??? this is absolutely nuts. at one point doing the job, i was a bit overwhelmed and thought that maybe accepting it was a mistake and then wished he was there so i could cry on his shoulder. i don’t know where to start on how crazy that thought is itself. number one, cry in front of him??? 

but it’s been months. months!!! get out of my head already!!! i’m not the type of person for relationships. i can’t bring myself to ever ruin the friendship we have. besides, anything more than a friendship would never work between us. i can’t risk losing such a valuable connection. i… GOSH I can’t rolL it off my tOngue. i just can’t. 

this better be reciprocated because if i’m the only one oVer here stuck in a lovEsick mess tHen that’s straIght up insane.

i wish i was exaggerating right now, but i could sit near hiM doing my work, while he’s doing his work, and we wouldn’t have to say a word to each other and i would be so content. i get absolutely tongue tied recently and just lose my sense of… existing, when he’s around.

I can’t sleep at night, he’s invading every corner of my mind and never clocks out!!! as if that’s not enough, I wake up with the thought of him as well! and then throughout the whole day, whatever i do, i think of him. good, bad, i wish i could just call him and tell him all about it. the most random shit i do! the important things as well. i even catch myself talking out loud in an empty room as if he was right there, as if i was talking to him.

i wonder sometimes if it’s obvious. looking back, definitely was at some moments. if it’s obvious to me who’s barely admitting to doing it, then it must have been obvious to him as well. wait, was what obvious? he’s the most puzzling energetic pull i’ve ever felt. absolute menace, who the hell let him do this to my head??? 

i respect him so much i can’t imagine hurting him. in any way. how did i ever even have the heart to be mean to him. sometimes i do tease as a love language, but i devoured this man and did not feel an ounce of repentance. that was the biggest lie of all, i absolutely wanted to eat my own liver whenever i was mean to him (yes, mean even as a joke only, it still wasn’t nice). out of such respect i’d leave him untouched and just admire from afar, because i can’t take care of him up close, no matter how much i’d want to. it’s just not professional and besides, we come from 2 completely different worlds. 

in some way, our differences balance us out. his silliness reminds my reserved demeanor it’s okay to loosen up. my skeptical views on the world, people and issues balance out his idealistic approach. 

i just heard something in my head. as if i was him. i was in his head for a moment and just…knew. he knows. he guesses it, but doesn’t want to say he’s sure, because it’s unbelievable to him. why is it unbelievable to him? i wish i could tell him we’re on the same page.

i must stop now otherwise i’ll never stop writing about him! i thought this would help squeeze him out of my mind a little bit, but now it’s even worse! i have more and more thoughts just waiting to be spilled out. it’s 6am, i know he’s awake, i wish he was here now and that we were talking. i must sleep. hopefully I’ll dream of him. dreams are a place where i’m sure we are both awake and aware of it. it’s where he shows me what he thinks. i’ll go now before i invoke a wave of nausea with this sentimentality. great heavens. good night. 

I'm not exactly sure what this feeling is called, but I think I was in great denial.

[crnillabud]

how i look at my notes app at 6am ready to write another gut wrenching thought that i will read in 6 months

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love it want it don’t know who’s the owner

[notjfromskinsuk]

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in my spare time i like to haunt the park and search for my lover from two centuries ago

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in the world of mist and sin, i was just a girl

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pin curls to save the day