You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

[crossthegreatdivide]

Almost through my 5 day quarantine! No known exposure leading up to the positive test, but I do work in healthcare. Somehow my husband did not test positive and still hasn’t yet and has no symptoms, and he goes out to way more places and also doesn’t often wear a mask unless we’re together and I make him. So that’s annoying. Here’s the timeline thus far:

Day before my positive test: no symptoms at all, woke up feeling great. Went to the gym, did some work around the house, visiting my 2 best friends and their kids and drank wine on the lawn, ate pizza. Had a mild stomachache at bedtime I attributed to eating Dominos.

Day 0:

Woke up feeling normal, throat was a little dry but nothing major. Very sore arms from the gym, no other body aches. Went to work and saw all my clients. Around lunchtime felt a scratchy throat again and sneezed a couple times, otherwise felt fine. Wrapped up my day and decided to finish notes at home. A couple hours after getting home, throat felt a little more sore. Did a rapid test, instant positive. Very DARK positive. By around 7-8 I had a low grade fever with chills alternating with feeling sweaty and overheated, decided not to take anything, went to sleep and slept like crap. Splitting headache. Woke up with a fever 102 around 1 AM and finally took ibuprofen. It took about 2 hours to lower my fever and I still felt sweaty and headachy but better.

Day 1: Woke up feeling normal again. A little tired but no sore throat or fever. By 10am fever was back in full swing, 102, took ibuprofen and again it took about 2 hours for the fever to break. Slept a good chunk of the day and then stayed in bed watching movies for most of the afternoon. No GI symptoms or sore throat, little bit of a runny nose, but primary symptoms still fever/headache, mild body aches but hard to know if that’s Covid vs being in bed all day. Took NyQuil at bedtime as the fever had crept back (101) and slept great.

Day 2: Woke up feeling okay, temp 99.9. Achy but again not sure if it’s from sleeping so much (mostly my back is sore). Mild headache, mild congestion. Sore throat is back in the morning and as of mid morning, temp up to 100.4 but I didn’t feel like I had a fever at all. Took ibuprofen and fever resolved in about 2hrs. A little tired but more energy than the previous day. Fever did not return, didn’t need to take anything the rest of the day. Sore throat was gone by evening.

Day 3: Woke up with more energy than the previous days, fever still gone and did not return. Lots of phlegm first thing in the morning. Dry cough throughout the day but not severe, and mild sore throat. Feels like a very mild cold. Still laying low, masking, and not doing much around the house to avoid getting my husband sick as he’s still negative and has no symptoms. However getting a little stir crazy as my energy has returned.

Day 4: Woke up feeling energized. No fever, no sore throat. Mild congestion and runny nose. Feeling like the tail end of a very mild cold. Mild headache behind my eyes, mainly only when I look around. Still trying to avoid getting germs all over the house but got some cleaning done.

Day 5: Woke up feeling more or less fine, not congested today but feeling a little sinus discomfort. Still tired after doing chores around the house. Took another rapid test today and still was immediately and very strong positive, which makes me less confident that I’ll be back to work by Monday.

Tomorrow I’ll swab again— if I test negative by Monday I can return to work that day with an N95. Hoping to be negative soon as my husband and I just ordered standup paddle boards that arrived the other day and I want to get out on the lake! I’m also just really stir crazy after almost a week in my house. We’ll see!

Update:

Day 6: Didn’t test since I didn’t want to waste a swab on a Sunday and assumed that I’d still be positive. Fatigue gone, feeling back to normal.

Day 7: Took a test in the morning, still pretty strong and rapid positive. Still feeling 100% better. Took the dog for a walk. Watched the full first season of The Summer I Turned Pretty. Feeling very stir crazy.

Day 8: Rapid test this morning still positive, but I think the line is getting more faint. Very frustrated with being out of work for so long, but at least got confirmation that my company would be covering my time off and I don’t have to use PTO— so that is huge.

[cicidraws]

god i love how pitbulls are like

[crossthegreatdivide]

H8 that for me.. especially after years of being diligent about mask wearing (even still) and getting vaxed and boosted as much as they’d let me. Other than the fever my symptoms really have been mild so far, hoping it stays that way.. but it was disappointing to have a high fever all night, wake up without one and feeling normal, only to have it develop again mid day. Also interesting, I tested VERY positive on my antigen test within 10 seconds, on my first day of symptoms with the most mild scratchy throat. I hope that bodes well for my course being quick and uncomplicated. 🤞

[crossthegreatdivide]

Back home for the night. Got a longer run in this afternoon and washed my hair, and now I’m relaxing in my hammock enjoying the cool breeze on a hot evening.

It was nice spending time with my brother and his kids today. Lots of swimming, N64, food, and about 4 too many episodes of cocomelon. I got a little bit of a tan, even.

Tomorrow we’ll be going back to spend the afternoon in the pool which will be nice, and then I have Monday off for the 4th with no major plans.

Looking forward to a chill rest of the weekend.. and after another day in the sun followed by a tough workout, I am more than ready for a good night’s sleep tonight.

I think we might do a fire and s’mores tonight as well which should be really nice.

[iusedtobecharming-deactivated20]

Do we have a franz kafka diary entry for july 1st, i want to know what he thinks!!!

[rehearsing]

happy too tired July everyone

[crossthegreatdivide]

Trying to get back into journaling for the sake of ~*mental health but I will never remember to write on here so I bought a journal with daily prompts and it arrived yesterday which was perfect for starting on the first of the month halfway through the year.

This month’s theme for the prompts is self care, which I think is a great start. I haven’t been good about that lately. Lately I’ve been good at escapism. Scrolling social media, sleeping, watching tv, drinking wine with friends, TikTok.. avoiding things that are actually helpful long term like yoga, journaling, mindfulness, running, being outside, keeping a clean and calming clutter free space.. I feel like I haven’t had the energy (mentally, mainly) to do better lately, but it’s kind of a self perpetuating cycle that when I don’t have the mental energy, I sink into bad habits of escapism, and then have less mental energy to pull myself out. I’m working on it.

Anyway.. this weekend I’m at my mom’s. She had a meltdown today because she’s been planning tomorrow for weeks and my brother changed the plans slightly at the last minute and she has never been good with mental flexibility (which I inherited I think, though I’m better at managing it because I’m more aware of it) but as she ages she just cannot. Handle. It. Even subtle changes, like my brother said his wife is going to stay home tomorrow with their youngest to get the house ready for their 4th of July company. Or a few weeks back on my mom’s bday weekend when my other brother came but his partner stayed home. These very small changes in what she had expected and planned for the day totally derail her these days. So that’s been tough, but I think she’s in a better spot now. Regardless, tomorrow my brother is bringing his boys for lunch and to swim, which should be fun. Then, I might drive home for the night? Or might stay here another night and then Todd and his son will come on Sunday to swim and hang out for lunch before he brings him back to his mother’s. And then I’ll have a relaxing 4th at my house before I go back to work again Tuesday.

All in all, not a bad weekend! I have a very hard time relaxing and just being in the moment, which honestly makes long weekends hard for me. I get back to work feeling like I needed more time. It’s been worse since the new company took over, because work has been busier and more stressful, but I think I’m getting into a better groove.

It’s all a work in progress.

[crossthegreatdivide]

This weekend was busy from start to finish, but overall really really nice.

Friday after work, I did a little bit of shopping and then visited my best friend’s house for dinner and wine night while her mom was in town. Then on Saturday, I had a nice morning of self care with a good breakfast, a run, a long shower, and a home gel pedicure (for the first time in a few months). After that I went back to my best friend’s and we did some photos with her mom and daughter, took a long walk, did a little more shopping and a little more wine night. But I was home and in bed before 8:30! So good.

Today I slept in, but like— legitimately slept in, for the first time I can remember in a LONG time. I did get up in the middle of the night to let the dog out and go pee, but then I fell back asleep until she woke Todd up to eat, and then I fell back asleep again (an actual deep dreaming sleep) until about 8:30. It was magical. But I still have felt really tired the last few days despite sleeping a lot, I feel like I’m coming down with a cold but it never has materialized into anything beyond a mild sinus headache. Regardless I’m staying hydrated and hoping for the best. After breakfast, Todd and I did grocery shopping, I prepped some beef stew for the instant pot, got my run/shower in, ate lunch, and did some painting. Then we took Lucy for a walk since it was a beautiful day. I fell in the slush right on my ass but otherwise it was nice to get some fresh air.

This evening we did axe throwing with friends for a birthday celebration, had cake, and for dinner. And since we got home after 9:30 I’m getting to bed late (for me.. for a Sunday night). Hoping tomorrow is a quick and smooth day, followed by a quicker and smoother week. I’m looking forward to seeing family next weekend.

[crossthegreatdivide]

Whoops! Haven’t felt like writing anything down in a while. Now suddenly it’s almost March.

January and February are always the hardest months on my mental health. The winter starts to feel very long and somehow things inevitably slip and I don’t realize it until suddenly it’s been several weeks of low motivation and feeling tired. There was one 60 degree day last week and I realized it was the most hopeful I’ve felt in months! Wild. It was short lived though because then we got a snow storm and it’s back to being cold again forever.

Anyway, the new company that acquired mine starts officially in like a week. Overall I’m still bitter about the change (my company was the BEST) but was able to negotiate a good offer that equates to a little over a $2/hr raise, and I’ll be salaried now which is really nice as the billable units required each week works out to being the same as my current required productivity.. except that I’m hourly now so if I want to leave early, I don’t get paid for that time. Soon, I can leave when I hit my units even if it’s not a full 8 hour day. Plus they offer nice incentives for going over the required units. Overall the day to day shouldn’t be too incredibly different, I’m hoping, but the pay structure is nice. What a stressful several weeks it’s been though!

Things kind of got off track with my running plan. I started off with a solid 9-10 days in a row running and then when the news of that change hit, and things got a little more busy/stressful it got harder to manage. Such is life. I’ve still been running most days and walking at least 2miles most of the days I don’t run, so that’s been good. Plus, Friday I took a snow day and did my longest run probably in close to a year.

So good! I was sore yesterday though…

It’s been a productive weekend, but still feeling kind of blah. Might try to do some shopping today just to get out of the house and have an excuse to get dressed in real clothes and put on makeup. Then later I’ll do my run and shower and wash my hair and get ready for another week of work.

[crossthegreatdivide]

Also my coworker and I ordered poké bowls for lunch and it was essential to the success of my day.

[crossthegreatdivide]

6 days in to my 30 days of running at least 2 miles a day! Things I’ve noticed so far that I can only assume are related to exercising daily:

More mental clarity— I had felt for WEEKS like I was stuck in a brain fog

More motivation— it’s been weeks to months since I felt motivated to get things done and be productive in a day. I’d do what needed to be done but on weekends only felt like I could lay in bed until after 10am and then force myself to do 1-2 productive things. Now I have goals and plans for my weekend and have been getting stuff done after work and between my runs!

Less food guilt. I eat pretty healthy generally and I track my calories (I struggle with impulse control and it’s the only way to consistently hold myself accountable but I’m not strict about it all the time), but I still often feel needless guilt about splurging and that’s been better knowing that I’m doing some form of exercise every day.

Sleeping through the night. Like clockwork the last several months I’d wake up between 1-3am, and I’d go pee since I was up but that wasn’t what was waking me up. I’d just regularly wake in the middle of the night. Probably related somewhat to what I’m eating for dinner and in the evening though I try to avoid eating after 7. But this whole week, aside from when my husband’s insomnia has woken me up, I’ve slept deeply right until my alarm. That’s almost unheard of.

Falling asleep more easily. Usually I need to take melatonin at least once or twice a week or I toss and turn for an hour or so trying to fall asleep, but I haven’t needed it at all this past week to fall asleep quickly.

Usually when I exercise I also deal with stress and anxiety better, but this has been a particularly busy, crazy, stressful week compared to my norm so I’m honestly not sure if I dealt with it better than I would have had I not had this outlet.

I do worry that I will get burned out on running, and may need to spice up my playlist or mix it up a little more. By the end of the week I did find myself increasing the incline and/or speed to make it more interesting or challenging but it wasn’t hard to motivate myself to get started most days. And it was never unpleasant to do. If anything, it felt like it went by faster each day. So that is nice.

Overall, even though this week was stressful AF and I’m so happy it’s finally the weekend and I can sleep without an alarm (and have an impending blizzard suspending any possible Saturday plans outside my house)— I’m impressed with what I’ve accomplished this week and hopeful for continued progress.

Also— I am SO EXCITED that January is over in a few days. Not that it’s been bad, just so. Slow. And every passing day gets closer to spring and warmth and more sun and I need it.

[crossthegreatdivide]

Day 2 of my 2 miles a day challenge is done. Felt good to let off some steam after work.

Today was a really stressful day. My company’s owners sent out an email about a mandatory all staff meeting next week during which they’ll discuss the future of the company and some “exciting news” which my coworkers and I are all collectively having an anxiety attack about because as innocuous as it sounds, it’s pretty unprecedented to have an all staff meeting regarding big upcoming moves for the company, which means it must be something REALLY big. We’re worried they’ll be announcing that they’re selling the company/getting bought out. I love being part of a small company so much— getting OUT of a large healthcare corp was a huge draw when I took this job. I’m afraid of change and what that might bring to a currently AMAZING company/job. But based on some stuff we know has been going on privately with their family, I suspect it may be the case that they need to step back either by bringing in new additional management or ownership, or selling out altogether so that they can move back closer to their family (in Canada). It’s all speculation at this point, and hopefully we’re wrong and it’s nothing major and all good news! They rented out a hotel ballroom and arranged happy hour for after the meeting (which I’ll probably skip given the spike in Covid cases lately) so that doesn’t scream “terrible news incoming” but I just don’t know what else would warrant a huge company meeting, renting out a fancy space, and getting everyone together in a Covid spike to discuss. We’ll see!

Work was also just stressful patient wise today— dementia care is no joke, and when they’re short staffed, it can get crazy. When they’re short staffed and there’s a full unit with Covid— tensions run even higher. I’m glad to be home!

Next in my to do list will be a hot shower. Then I’m going to enjoy some takeout sushi and finish my documentation from the day. Hopefully tomorrow is a little bit less stressful..

[crossthegreatdivide]

I’m tired. It’s been a stressful 2022 so far, with Covid cases on the rise (and affecting one of the facilities I work in currently). I’m just really tired. I want to say I miss things being normal, but after 2 years I can’t really remember what the old normal was like. I do know that I would love to be able to see friends and family whenever we want, go out shopping without having to worry about getting sick, and to not have to listen to all of the crazies who come out of the woodwork on the regular in this pandemic to share their opinions on every new development. I have fared better than many throughout the pandemic and I’m so thankful for that— I’ve had consistent work save for a couple of rounds of exposure related quarantine pre-vaccine, a job in healthcare that isn’t as stressful as most, I haven’t gotten sick or had any family or close friends get too sick, the extra time at home gave me more time to workout and I lost a lot of weight throughout 2020 (in a healthy way!), I’m not very social or into going out in the first place so I really don’t think the added time at home has affected my mental health as much as it has for some.. but there’s a limit for anyone and it’s been weighing on me more lately, I’m just tired. The fact that we’re in the dark frigid depths of winter definitely doesn’t help, more than anything I think I’m just missing warmth and sunlight. But anyway.. as previously stated, I’m tired. Staying motivated for work has been hard, as much as I love my job. I spend my weeks looking forward to the weekend, but by the weekend I’m too gassed to really do much except sleep in, scroll TikTok, work out (that takes all my motivation some days), and keep up with laundry. But then by Sunday night (and I’m feeling it HARD right now as I’m getting ready to go to sleep), it doesn’t feel like the weekend has been long enough and I’m not ready for another day at work. I’ve also felt like I’m coming down with a cold off and on lately.. almost 100% psychosomatic because of the Covid cases at work and my general stress level, plus being chronically dehydrated because I don’t take my mask off in the facility to drink anything— only before work and in my car mid day when I eat lunch.. so anyway.. mental health is not a strength of mine right now, but as I look ahead at my calendar I feel hopeful knowing that in a few short weeks we’ll have more hours of sunlight, temps will warm up, and hopefully this most recent Covid spike will dwindle and things will be a little less stressful.

Todd asked me to volunteer with him this weekend at a local volunteer group that collects donations and organizes them into packages for the homeless, refugees, people who are sick or who have experienced tragedies and need resources, people of low SES, etc. They get requests from social workers and shelters and such and fill them with whatever they have for donations— clothes, housewares, baby supplies, toys and such for children, cleaning supplies, etc. So we helped to sort donations and put together some of the supply kits for specific orders. It was actually really fun. I like organizing. And everyone wore masks and it was super socially distanced.. I actually barely spoke to anyone for the 3 hours we were there, we all just stayed busy with our assigned tasks and it felt good to be helping.

Other than that I feel like I’ve mostly just done a mountain of laundry and dishes this weekend. It seemed infinite.

I’m also trying a new running challenge (inspired by someone I saw on TikTok— I feel too old to say that) for the next 30 days I’m going to run 2 miles every day. That’s a super easy distance for me these days but consistency has been REALLY challenging in these low motivation tired days lately. I always liked to do 3-4 runs per week, but it’s been hard to keep motivated to even do 3. I know a couple weeks in the recent past I’ve only done 2. It’s so easy to procrastinate during the week and say “I can do it tomorrow and still get 3 runs this week” and then I’m just too tired. If I have to run every day and it’s a long term goal, I’m hoping it keeps me motivated. Plus I have a sticker chart. With any luck the added endorphins will help get me through this mental health slump. We’ll see!

[crossthegreatdivide]

2022 is off to a lovely start!

After a busy Christmas season, it was nice to have a long New Years weekend to decompress at home and catch up on cleaning and laundry and self care things. I also got to see my besties for a little wine night/game night and exchange gifts which was wonderful. So thankful for the great people in my life. And SO grateful for a job that recognizes the importance of a work/life balance and has the flexibility to offer paid holidays off and generous PTO. This year and last, despite the pandemic, have felt like the most fun and relaxing holiday seasons since I started my career, because I’ve been able to have my holidays free with additional PTO if I wanted with no expectation of making up that time.

Today has been the most low key, lazy kind of day all weekend. It was just what I needed. Slept in, folded some laundry from yesterday, did some meal prep, spent a lot of time lounging, went for a walk with Todd and Guy and the dog and did a treadmill workout, and soon am going to wrap things up with a long bath (complete with Lush bath bomb) and my skincare routine. Not looking forward to the level of tired that comes with the first 5 day work week in a couple weeks but I think it will go by quickly.

[crossthegreatdivide]

2022 Vision Board

Happy New Year!

[crossthegreatdivide]

What a week. All good, but so tiring.

My first week with a fieldwork student at my current job. She’s great! And I love teaching. I just forgot in the last 2 years or so that taking fieldwork students is a lot of work and it gets tiring talking more than my normal amount throughout the day. But I think she will do a fantastic job during her placement and I know it gets easier and easier each week. I’m just feeling those long hours today.

But! I did my nails

And took a long bath. So definitely enjoying my first free weekend in a while so far.

Tomorrow my plans consist of sleeping in, a morning workout, power cleaning my house, and grocery shopping. I think Sunday we might go hiking.

All exciting things. Pumped for a restful couple days before a hopefully not as busy work week!

[crossthegreatdivide]

Also I’m obsessed with my new scrub pants for work. I’ve been dressing mostly business casual for years and haven’t owned scrubs since I was a student, but several of my coworkers have this brand and love them and I decided to give them a try. Now I own them in 3 colors!

[crossthegreatdivide]

My favorite time of year has arrived! Warm days with cool breezes, pumpkin and apple everything, a feeling of having a fresh start— Fall is the best.

September has been a little harder for me since my dad died (coming up on 3 years in a couple weeks) but I still always feel so nostalgic this time of year. Especially for college days. It’s just crazy how fast time flies by.

This weekend I visited my mom to help close the pool for the season, and today we’re having pot roast with Yorkshire pudding and apple crisp before I head back home. It’s been a nice, relaxing weekend after a crazy Labor Day weekend visiting Todd’s fam in Connecticut last weekend.

Tomorrow starts a very busy week and a busy next couple of months at work. My new fieldwork student is starting, and she’ll be my first student at my current job. I’ve loved supporting fieldwork students in the past at my last job but it will definitely be a learning curve. Should be fun though! I also have a client starting LSVT BIG with me tomorrow that I need to prep for when I get home later today. And a balance screen event at the end of the week. Busy busy busy week. And after working just 3 days this past week I think I’m going to be wiped by the weekend.. but I’m hoping to go hiking and get some cleaning done.