Musings of a Crow

I think a lot and have no one to talk to, hello void

[crow-musings]

I have no intent for this blog. I'm just going to put my unadulterated thoughts here. I'm constantly afraid that the very act of living is some unforgivable sin, but only when I do it. I need to just put myself out somewhere and if someone hates me for that, then so be it.

It's like I have this constant fear of suddenly becoming a pariah; That I wasn't born with the same brain and social upbringing, and so I'll be discovered and culled like some cancerous growth.

[crow-musings]

Where do I go? There aren't any places I can go to just talk with another person. I have to go to a discord or subreddit or a blog or whatever, and post out into the void and hope that someone else randomly sees what I'm saying and wants to interact with me. I can't hyst 'talk' to anyone.

I have never had a friend that I can just 'talk' to about something I'm interested in. Everything I say has to be tailored specifically to what they want to talk about already, and even then that barely gets any meaningful response. How do I just... talk. to anyone.

I have been trying for years but there is just no way to actually engage and interact with someone, anyone, when I'm excited about something. What am I not using the right tags? Do I have to get TikTok? How do I just meet another human being and interact with them about a shared interest??? Not even maintaining a relationship with them, that's so much further beyond what I can do right now.

[crow-musings]

I desprately need someone to talk to about this

I've been working on a system to allow a genetic algorithm to create DNA code which can create self-organising organisms. Someone I know has created a very effective genetic algorithm which blows NEAT out of the water in my opinion. So, this algorithm is very good at using food values to determine which organisms to breed, how to breed them, and the multitude of different biologically inspired mutation mechanisms which allow for things like meta genes and meta-meta genes, and a whole other slew of things. I am building a translation system, basically a compiler on top of it, and designing an instruction set and genetic repair mechanisms to allow it to convert ANY hexadecimal string into a valid, operable program. I'm doing this by having an organism with, so far, 5 planned chromosomes. The first and second chromosome are the INITIAL STATE of a neural network. The number and configuration of input nodes, the number and configuration of output nodes, whatever code it needs for a fitness function, and the configuration and weights of the layers. This neural network is not used at all in the fitness evaluation of the organism, but purely something the organism itself can manage, train, and utilize how it sees fit.

The third is the complete code of the program which runs the organism. Its basically a list of ASM opcodes and arguments written in hexadecimal. It is comprised of codons which represent the different hexadecimal characters, as well as a start and stop codon. This program will be compiled into executable machine code using LLVM IR and a custom instruction set I've designed for the organisms to give them a turing complete programming language and some helper functions to make certain processes simpler to evolve. This includes messages between the organisms, reproduction methods, and all the methods necessary for the organisms to develop sight, hearing, and recieve various other inputs, and also to output audio, video, and various outputs like mouse, keyboard, or a gamepad output. The fourth is a blank slate, which the organism can evolve whatever data it wants. The first half will be the complete contents of the organisms ROM after the important information, and the second half will be the initial state of the organisms memory. This will likely be stored as base 64 of its hash and unfolded into binary on compilation.

The 5th chromosome is one I just came up with and I am very excited about, it will be a translation dictionary. It will be 512 individual codons exactly, with each codon pair being mapped between 00 and FF hex. When evaulating the hex of the other chromosomes, this dictionary will be used to determine the equivalent instruction of any given hex pair. When evolving, each hex pair in the 5th organism will be guaranteed to be a valid opcode in the instruction set by using modulus to constrain each pair to the 55 instructions currently available. This will allow an organism to evolve its own instruction distribution, and try to prevent random instructions which might be harmful or inneficient from springing up as often, and instead more often select for efficient or safer instructions.

[crow-musings]

I've no idea where to go to find anyone. I don't know how to make friends online or in person, I don't know how to talk to my neighbors, I don't know how to reach out to anyone. I can't even get a therapist, I've been to so many and never once felt like I had the ability to cut through my day to day and talk about what's actually going on with me.

I don't think I've ever been able to be completely honest with anyone, and not for lack of trying. I give people the barest surface level of what I'm struggling with and that's about the extent of our conversations. I don't have any sense of normalcy anymore, I struggle to do a single thing each day, so how can I even have a conversation with anyone when I just have so much turmoil and fear about it.

All my life, and I've never felt like I was a priority to anyone. I've always had a partner who I wait hand and foot on, but anyone else I can't even give them MY energy, let alone get one iota from them. I don't know how to casually interact with people because I feel and am constantly assured that, the second they leave my line of sight, I will never ever see or hear from them again. I don't know why, I don't know how to fix it.

[crow-musings]

I've been struggling with learning lately. The last couple years I've been so consumed with struggling to stay afloat, I've lost my learning habits. Lately I've been forcing myself to start learning again, but it's been difficult to get engaged. I begin to feel fatigued after only a little bit of intense thinking, and I feel like I need to drop the thought. Like this very thought, I had so much planned for it, and then I start to write it down and mid sentence, it's like I never even wanted the thought to begin with. I feel this intense urge to crumple it up and throw it away.

[crow-musings]

I'm tired and I can't sleep

I am in pain everywhere

I have no one to talk to

I have no control over my time

I am horribly fatigued most of every day

I've been on the verge of complete and total financial collapse every day since I was dragged out of my car at gunpoint while trying to go to the ER

I feel so defeated. I feel so completely and utterly disjointed from the world and what people talk about and think about. I feel so detached from everything.

I saw more and more social spaces being consumed with things I had no interest in and it never stopped, I never found new spaces where I was comfortable to be myself and talk, I just felt more afraid that any possible step out of the line would have me on a stake for even trying.

I don't know if that's more a problem with me or society, I just know that the two don't mix. I feel like oil, floating on the turbulent surface. Unable to participate no matter how desperately I desire to let go and join in.

I don't know what people want to talk about, I just know it's never what I try to talk to people about. I don't know how people talk, I just know it's not how I talk.