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@theartofmadeline
JVL
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@crumpetsandtea-na
A reminder
Take a deep breathe in and out/ Inhale and exhale x4
Drink water
My feelings are valid
I am allowed to feel these emotions.
Find a quiet space in my heart
Repeat, “I am here” x4
Let my thoughts and emotions flow/ do not attach to the feelings
Be here now
Om Namah Shivaya
Reflect
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It will be okay
The truth of what I aspire to be is live in purity of love and compassion. There have been many time where my fingers are seconds away from reserving myself a spot in a meditation retreat or living fully in Dharma as a nun. The lineage of suffering that traces through my ancestors is heartbreaking. To suffer in my family is a silent siren that has grown accustomed and treated as a curse by everyone. I want to successful through the way of my own happiness and life. But, it isn’t easy as that when I am connected to this way of existing. Nothing is as important as money and the cycle of providing for your elders. I’m not saying that these aren’t things I don’t value. It’s seems more like an contract that I didn’t sign up for. I want to break out of this cycle of worrying and suppressing my truth. Today my anger is triggered by how I am misunderstood as weak for being emotional and sensitive. For speaking in rage for standing up for myself against being target as someone who would be a danger to the world. This person who target me is my own mother. As I expressed my disappointment in her comment she continue in her rage that she did not express anything wrong and that she is only honest. This is the same reaction as the time she told me to kill myself for going to therapy. This is the volume of why I choose to love and show compassion bc there are humans who are like this in the world. This is the reason why I seek curiously into dharma. But then this is also the reason why I don’t trust myself enough. Will I be able to make a difference? All the conversations I open up end up being interrupted as accusing and wanting to be right. I really only hold the space of compassion for people who hold such anger and trauma from being suppressed from their true voice. It’s fucking terrifying and sad. Not many people I share this with can share this suffering with me. That is understandable as all human life have a different perspective and boundaries. Or maybe the people I surround myself around now are the wrong ones to be around. I would like to be able to le these feelings flow freely without worry or being violated. I willingly kneeled with my hand over my heart, sayig I love you in front of my mom tonight. As this was happening, she continued to shout I hate you. After that I had a moment of panic where I hid all the knives and sharp kitchen objects in the freezer in fear that my mom oils kill me. This is the cycle of the narcissistic abuser and it’s victim. This is a sign of PTSD and C-PTSD. I’m not sure who is who anymore or if it matters. Everything now is in complete stillness with shock, saddens, openness and empathy. How can I not hate someone who instills this much toxic patterns in this life. I don’t think I can do anything that would make this better or have me forget this. That is why I am hoping the power of love and compassion will still over take this pain and suffering. Maybe some day I will take this path forever in purity.
I understand now. This is something I must go through continuous cycles of. Adapt, carry compassion and empathy where ever I go. Time has moved along. But with time, it doesn’t change me. I must use time as a tool to help me heal. The self-work is more important than how time goes.
I remember when I had a conversation with Peter the winter I came back to New England. He mentioned what I love the most I said the aspect of change. Then he asked me what I fear the most, and I restated the answer change. With fear, I saw that he felt as if I was contradicting myself. But, I was really noticing how there really isn’t a black and white to feeling nor question or even answers. This is the moment that I finally am aware to understand. I wasn’t confident in the time to realize this and rejected is meaning. I was indeed afraid of how I was going to be presented. Now, I allow myself to say confidently yes to this state of nature.