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@crushmebedelia
Good morning to capitalism haters, students balancing deadlines with a pandemic, the DoNM community, debt havers, people who write but aren't writers, artists who draw girls, coffee drinkers, sexy lesbians, insomniacs, and women with undiagnosed Problems
When a lad tries to have a laugh at you and you clock him bonkers with an ashtray in front of his mates.
growing up is realizing that you’re going to be a girlemployee instead of a girlboss
join your girlunion babes
i feel like it must be the height of luxury and decadence to be a kid sitting in one of those little trailers attached to your parent’s bike, being driven around like some kind of pompous miniature capitalist, relaxing with perhaps a small snack while your personal chauffeur takes you wherever you wish
who is ready for the 10 year anniversary of party rock anthem on January 25th
i would dare to say that the world started shuffling every day in early 2011 and has not stopped shuffling in the decade since
a happy 10 year anniversary of party rock anthem to all
Should we tell them about IHOB?
My old man once said to me, "your thoughts are so random and unconnected. We were just talking about the carnival- how did you get started on wasps?"
So, I told him, "they're not unconnected- we were talking about going to the carnival, and the carnival is on the same fairgrounds they used to use for the rodeo, and one time at the rodeo my brother spilled sprite on himself and a bee went up his shirt and stung him, and bees die when they sting, but wasps don't, and I was wondering why, so I asked you."
And he said, "that makes no sense," and for the life of me I can't understand how anyone thinks of anything if not by this exact process
Hey uh the phrase "psychosexual obsession with abraham lincoln" punched me so hard in the metaphysical throat I got physically dizzy so I gotta ask what in the hell this teacher was sayi
ng about lincoln
Oh god. Well.
Let me first give you a visual description of my teacher. He was a short man, about sixty years old, with sandy skin, sandier hair, and small, moist eyes that might have passed as “beady” if they had not been shockingly, distractingly blue. Blue as robins’ eggs. Blue as limpid pools of laundry detergent. Alkaline blue, like a used pH test strip. Twitter blue. They were not deep enough to get lost in, like the ocean-eyes of romantic poetry, but plenty of people have drowned in half an inch of stagnant water. It happens.
Mr. S was born on February 12. He seemed to believe that this gave him a profound spiritual connection to Abraham Lincoln—I suppose we should all be grateful that he was not born April 20 instead.
Now, I can appreciate a good special interest. I indulge and enjoy my friends’ obsessions, as they do the same for me. But there comes a point where someone can have too many images of the sixteenth president of the United States in one 8th grade classroom, and Mr. S found it. It was one thing to sit and take exams under the gaze of the basketball-sized pupils of the floor-to-ceiling portrait of Mr. Lincoln that took up one wall—it was another to try to concentrate while being stared down by the rubber Lincoln masks or the life-sized cutouts. Lincoln’s likeness papered nearly every inch of the classroom’s walls—a walk-in kaleidoscope of black, white, and beard. It was a lot.
Mr. S used to cosplay as Lincoln on a regular basis, both for historical reenactment at public events and in respectful observation of his birthday and the anniversary of his death. He would come to school in a Lincoln costume and read us descriptions of Lincoln by his contemporaries. It was through Mr. S that I learned that our sixteenth president possessed a trim figure with lean, defined muscles and washboard abs that surprised and impressed the doctors during his autopsy. To hear him tell it, the beauty of the dead president’s body was so powerful that it temporarily distracted from his assassination.
On April 15, we all watched in vague unease as Mr. S showed up to class with his fake beard and his stovepipe hat and a grim set to his features. He stood before the class without a word, put his hand over his heart, and swayed back and forth silently mouthing something as he stared into the lifeless face of one of the countless Lincoln effigies while playing the a recording of the national anthem. There was dreamy rapture in his eyes—an almost orgasmic trace-state that left us all exchanging uncomfortable glances.
One would think—hope, perhaps—that this obsession with Lincoln would translate into a passion for abolitionism and civil rights. That the so-afflicted would take up the cause of anti-racism, voting equality, and racial justice.
Not so!
Not so at all, in any way, shape, or form. No, this man decided that his takeaway and mission in life was to encourage his public school students to become Christian nationalists defending God’s favorite country from the evils of multiculturalism, homosexuality, and me, specifically.
The vibes I get from this post
the concept of Moses coming down from the mountain and finding everyone cosplaying Abe Lincoln is giving me bubonic plague
you have not experienced true fear until a poster falls down in the middle of the night
One time I thought a poster had fallen down in the middle of the night, but when I turned on my light, it actually was an opossum that fell through my ceiling into my room. So, that’s actually true fear.
oh.
Nah that’s free possum
i really want to make music but i can’t sing :( or rap
I’m beatboxing right now drop a freestyle
im on the cell phone holdin my dick bone im just tryna phone rome caesar gonna get some
they call me lil man lil dick itty bitty meat stick my vienna sausage dumb soft i cant even nut quick
these rhymes go hard though like hot piss, cold snow you aint even know my dick cant get hard tho
you viagra ass hoes poppin pills to get by while im slapping at my dick and im wondering why my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work my dick dont work
certified iconic post
Do you know why Sun Bears look so...weird compared to other bears? Is it the eyes?
it’s not just you, sun bears just look incredibly bizarre when you stack them up against other bears!
pictured: bear
pictured: film extra from the first narnia movie in a hyperreallistic fursuit:
but as always, there are real valid reasons behind mother nature’s stupid horseshit!
the sun bear has bizarrely humanlike limbs because, living in a hot tropical environment, they have no need for the enormous fat reserves of the temperate bears! this makes their bodies a LOT thinner and really screws up their proportions.
like really, REALLY screws up.
but sun bears do actually have longer front legs than other bears, along with larger claws, longer tongues, and cartoonishly mobile muppet faces.
and for good reason: sun bears are specialized predators of social insects!
the long legs and huge claws let the sun bear rip into beehives and termite mounds alike with wild abandon, while the long tongue and agile face assist the sun bear with getting all slurpy slurpy on the innocent hive insects and their delicious larva who were just going about their normal insect day when the sun bear rolled into town.
“aaaieeee! please, not the children!”
now insects aren’t ALL a sun bear eats, by any means, but they DO form the bulk of the protein in the sun bear’s diet, so they’ve got good reasons to look the way they do!
humans just tend to find the wonky proportions pretty off-putting, and it doesn’t help that many sun bears also have light-colored eyes which humans find incredibly freaky.
NYEGH okay that is pretty awful.
anyway tldr sun bears look weird because the bear family tried to produce an anteater, and they didn’t do a half-bad job at it!
explain cheeky nandos??
you know like when you’re hanging with the lads and its top notch banter and your mate joe is like lets go down for a cheeky nandos but you’re skint so you’re like i dont have quids for that lets just go for a quick maccies or gregs or somat and joe bloody banterclaus is like stop being a wanker but then your lad johnny offers to pay for your nandos cuz he’s a absolute fuckin ledge so you’re well chuffed and you all get proper hyped having top bants bout torie cunts with your fucking ledges
i’m not convinced that the english are actually speaking english
Nicolas Cage, 2020
it’s giving too much. he wants to do numbers on tumblr so bad
Well Imma give them to him, cuz that jacket fucks
why does it remind me of this vest he once wore
nikola tesla was like “you will live to see man made horrors beyond your comprehension” yeah dude and they’ll prolly be branded with your last name. how does that make you feel
Probably not to great considering if Tesla had the opportunity he’d probably strangle Musk to death for his pigeons entertainment
Yeah, I think one of the many fucked up things we don’t talk about enough is how Elon Musk appropriated the name of Tesla while being the modern equivalent of Edison in the most negative possible sense…
