Crush Wrecker

Whatever you want, the answer is "no."

[crushwrecker]

Merry Christmas!

There's a lot to recommend your childhood Christmas crush, Ralphie (Peter Billingsley). He went on to co-host "Real People." He produced "Iron Man." He's actually kinda good looking as an adult. And he's a legit entertainment industry dude, not just some sad child star hang-er on.

But if anything can wreck this crush, it's his enduring professional and personal bromance with the megaskeezey Vince Vaughn. The two have been besties for many years, which in and of itself should squash your dreams of romantic hand-holiding with an adult Ralphie. The professional consequences are unfortunate: Billinglsey produced "The Break-Up" and directed the most cynical, bitter, un-funny and un-romantic of romantic comedies, "Couples Retreat." For this, Ralphie, crush wrecked.

We'd wreck Jon Favreau for much of the same but, come on, who has a crush on Jon Favreau?

[crushwrecker]

Celebrity crushes. Everyone's got at least one. He or she can do no wrong in your eyes, until ... ... until there's a photo, an interview, a career decision, a life decision that makes you go, "Uh, what? Wait a minute. Who are you? I don't know you. I sure can't ever look at you the same way again." Yeah, that. That photo, interview, career/life decision is what Crush Wrecker wants you to share. Submit!

[crushwrecker]

Actor Matt Damon is unhappy with President Barack Obama. Oh, boo hoo. Some highlights of his bile:

"I've talked to a lot of people who worked for Obama at the grassroots level. One of them said to me, 'Never again. I will never be fooled again by a politician.' You know, a one-term president with some balls who actually got stuff done would have been, in the long run of the country, much better."

"If the Democrats think that they didn't have a mandate, people are literally without any focus or leadership, just wandering out into the streets to yell right now because they are so pissed off. Imagine if they had a leader."

"I really think he misinterpreted his mandate. A friend of mine said to me the other day, I thought it was a great line, 'I no longer hope for audacity.'"

"They had a chance that they don't have anymore to stand up for things. They've probably squandered that at this point. They'll probably just make whatever deals they can to try to get elected again."

We're not going to school you on this, Matt. We're going to leave that to your good friend George Clooney: "I'm disillusioned by the people who are disillusioned by Obama, quite honestly, I am. Democrats eat their own. Democrats find singular issues and go, 'Well, I didn't get everything I wanted.' "I'm a firm believer in sticking by and sticking up for the people whom you've elected. "If [Obama] was a Republican running, because Republicans are better at this, they'd be selling him as the guy who stopped 400,000 jobs a month from leaving the country. They'd be selling him as the guy who saved the auto-industry. If they had the beliefs they'd be selling him as the guy who got rid of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' who got Osama bin Laden. "You could be selling this as a very successful three years." We also like Obama's response: "It's fair to say that when it comes to my presidency, the honeymoon is over. Matt Damon said he [has been] disappointed in my performance. Well Matt, I just saw the 'Adjustment Bureau,' so ... right back atcha buddy." So, there you go. Matt Damon crush wrecked. George Clooney and Barack Obama crushes reinforced. By the way, Matt, we don't care that it's for a role. Your bald head makes you look like a Pedobear. Buy a hat.

[crushwrecker]

Yesterday, we discussed how Thomas Jane's gas station habits had killed his hotness for us. But before that we gave him props for being open about resorting to a little gay hustling back in the day. It seems we spoke too soon. In a new interview he says that he never actually said that he exchanged sexual favors for food or money but that "sexually adventurous youth" wasn't as much of a headline grabber. And it is true he didn't confess to pulling tricks ... exactly. Here's what he did say: "You know, when I was a kid out here in LA, I was homeless, I didn't have any money and I was living in my car. I was 18. I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?" Now, Thomas, we all know that there's no such thing as a free sandwich. So while you may not have said you were a hustler, you definitely implied it. Because, yes, we do know what you mean. And, for the record, one of Crush Wrecker's biggest pet peeves is celebrities who try to use the media only to then back away and say that they were misquoted or taken out of context.

If you're going to go there at all, own it. Crush further wrecked.

[crushwrecker]

Yes, it is possible to have your fictional crush wrecked. Exhibit A: Lorelai Gilmore. Sassy, smart, cute, funny, coffee-addicted, best-mother-ever Lorelai Gilmore. Deep down, she's a mean mistreater when it comes to her beaus. This goes for all of her relationships: Max, Digger (sigh, Digger), Christopher (double sigh) and Luke. Although, honestly, Luke wasn't much of a prize, especially by the time they hooked up. As soon as we clued into the fact that there was one reason and one reason only that none of her romantic relationships worked out -- namely, that she's super selfish -- the bloom was off that rose. We're sure she messed things up with Alex Lesman too but we actually don't remember him. Wikipedia assures us he existed, that he was "an outdoorsy coffee house entrepreneur" and that he dated Lorelai. Undoubtedly, Lorelai broke his heart for sport.

[crushwrecker]

Remember when Fergie peed herself on stage back in 2007? What a retro crush wrecker.

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It's possible—probable, even—that being photographed with Sandra Bullock when she's wearing an ugly outfit puts you on the fast track to crush wreckification.

There are many more reasons to wreck Bradley Cooper, though. We're just getting started on this one, despite not being convinced that anyone other than People magazine editors have a crush on this over-primped doofus.

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We want to like Franco. We're big "Freaks and Geeks" fans and find his many oddities, pretensions and stoner demeanor kind of charming in a way. But once your behavior starts messing with other people's lives, you're off the list. Consider this crush semi-wrecked. 

[crushwrecker]

So, Thomas Jane was a homeless gay hustler during his early, lean Hollywood years. Get on with your bad self. A boy's got to eat. (That's our excuse for you doing "The Punisher" movie too.) But those days are over. He's on an HBO series now (well, he was until this morning). He can afford shoes. He should wear them. And while the MythBusters took care of that pesky cellphones can cause gas station fires rumor, puffing on a cigar while filling up is not the best idea. Did he buy that cigar at the gas station? If so, we're going to bet money it's a Dutch Masters Corona Strawberry. He's starting to look like a Corona Strawberry kind of guy. Consider our Thomas Jane crush wrecked.

[oldloves]

Ryan Gosling & Sandra Bullock, 2002

[crushwrecker]

Okay, Gos, we can see how, in 2002, dating Sandra Bullock may have seemed like a good idea, or at least not a bad one. She was more famous, hadn't yet let Jesse James get his grease-stained mitts on her, and Miss Congeniality 2 was three years away. At 16 years your elder, she was holding up and probably hadn't gotten all botox-y yet. You probably weren't yet aware that you could date Rachel McAdams. But being seen in public with Bullock while she was wearing this dress? Unforgivable. Crush wrecked. 

[crushwrecker]

Nathan Fillion circa 1995. Crush wrecked.

[crushwrecker]

Justin Theroux dates Jennifer Aniston. Let us repeat: Justin. Theroux. Dates. Jennifer. Aniston. Not only that, he sets up house with her. Really, Justin? We don't hate Jen. She seems like a nice enough girl. But you? You were dangerous and funny and sexy as hell. Now we see you and it's like we're looking at a chihuahua who's been stuffed into a pleather outfit with studs ("It's so funny because he's so little and cute!") and spends its days carried around in some rich girl's over-priced handbag. Justin Theroux crush? Completely wrecked.