“I just want to heal and not always be counting numbers in my head with this fear that something bad is going to happen if I let go of control. I’m sick of checking and rechecking things when I know in my heart that all is well, but my mind has a difficult time trying to understand that. I’m tired of not living my life and always staying in the dark room of my mind. I feel so much disgust and shame, and guilt. I want to be free from my obsessions and the endless search for them to go away. I want to accept them but let them go at the same time. It’s hard living with this disorder. I have this unbearable desire for perfection, and everything feels fucked up. I wish to be carefree than to second guess everything that keeps me from enjoying life as it is. I need to be present. Be a present for life, my family, my best friends. I still want to marry, write good sentences and dance my way to a brighter future. It starts here. In the here and now. I choose to be better, and that means facing my demons, my compulsions, and my madness. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to be worth it. Wellness is worth it, and I’m going to live well. I’m going to put in the work towards recovering. That’s my greatest dream, and I’m going to make it. I’m going to make it.”
— Juansen Ryne Dizon, New Leaf















