This song is not just a typical song for me. When I first listened to it, I just burst out in tears for no damn reason. Unconsciously, I knew. I knew that this song was about losing yourself in the process over time.
It really defined who I was before... As a child, as a kind person, a weak one forced to be strong by life. This song is about my old self to whom... I am never getting back.
My thoughts are a bit scattered but allow me to write everything that I can, so I can empty my cup.
If given the opportunity to go back in time, I would definitely save my younger self. The kid in me. I will hushed her, and protect her in my arms, and whisper "No one is coming to save us, BUT HERE I AM NOW." because back then, I used to ask God to let someone save me, but no one came... I am only forced to be strong, to keep a smiling face despite hurting inside.
"Toughen up." or "Stop being a weak piece of shit."- I always tell myself, which was a very unhealthy way, I could have validated how I felt and assessed why I was feeling that way, and come up with a solution to get pass the feeling.
I should have apologized to myself more. I could have forgiven myself more. I shouldn't have blamed myself for the inconvenience that other people were accountable for.
Because of these... err.. bad practices, my heart was filled with anger, which turn me into a very horrible person who wishes nothing but misery to other people as well. The anger that I felt towards the world made me too blind to see the other great things to love.
Nevertheless, they said it is not too late to enjoy the drizzle and make life sweeter with it. So, I did. I've gotten helped.
Currently, I can't really say that I am healed, but I can finally say that I am a work in progress, and I know that I will be better. It is not too late to ask forgiveness from your inner child, your inner angry teen-self, and to give kudos to your current self now. I just want to hug them all if I can (metaphorically) since my past selves were not given enough hugs to be comforted. I'll also add this since it suits the post so much.
"
A LETTER OF APOLOGY TO MY YOUNGER SELF
Dear child, I am so sorry.
I should've noticed how fast I urged us to get more mature and forgot how frightening this world can be. You grew up too fast.
It's true, we were surrounded by good people. Of that I am thankful. But I can't deny the fact that I wasn't that good to you. You never had the chance to properly feel things, thinking that if you make tantrums or misbehave, people would leave you. You forcefully shut that part of you that needs attention just for the sake of compromise.
You were so afraid of being left alone that you learned to program your mind to simply agree with what others tell you. You were so afraid of being alone and it made you desperate - even to the point of discarding your own happiness just to please people
My deepest apologies. You never deserved that kind of treatment.
I can still feel your longing to cry out loud; to learn how to truly feel without restrictions. I can still sense the hatred looming, no matter how much stuff I gave ourself just to sate the grudge left by our unmet needs.
I can feel how much you crave for that hug, that pat in the head, the assurance that all will be okay and that it's not your fault for not knowing any better.
My Dearest, I am just finding out how abused you got from shouldering all that d*mn adult feelings the world forced on us when it was not ours to begin with.
Hand it over to me now, my dear inner child. Step by step, let me change the world you live in. I am now aware of my shortcomings so let handle this. Let me do the good things that you once expected from the adults around you to do. Let me show you how capable I am right now to be the role model you were searching for. Allow me to teach you the things that you once thought were impossible.
And if you haven't heard this before, then let me say it...
"I love you. Let me make it up to you,okay?"
-duncan
Illustration by Behance
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