:): @cryiinghearts - Tumblr Blog

I think about dying but I don't want to die. Not even close. In fact my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There's so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I'm still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can't quite figure out what the hell I'm doing or how to get out of it.

— Matty Healy

headspace-hotel

growing up with anxiety made me suspicious of bravery as a virtue.

we make sure to compliment kids for being brave when they successfully get through something frightening, but we also tell them there is something on the other side. freedom. a release of the weight of fear. just get through it, and it will be better.

what I learned was that the reward of being brave is that the world will ask you to be brave again. and again. and again. courage is not the absence of fear. courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. you feel the fear, a heaviness in your gut, a fist crushing your chest, jaws locked around your throat. you feel the fear, and you do it anyway.

brave is never a thing you are, is it? it is a thing dangled above you by others, a reward for compliance that dissolves and disappears, that you must earn again.

it should feel better, shouldn’t it? lighter? someday? but it doesn’t. the fear is still there, a tangible presence in your torso, and you are brave when you ignore it yet again, when you are silent.

it’s only a matter of time before you think: what if I don’t want to be brave? what if I want to feel safe?

booksandcows

untitled54184

No matter how many times you fail to meet your own expectations, you have to forgive yourself. Despite contrary belief, dwelling on and badgering yourself over your faults doesn’t ever help you grow into who you want to be.

It’s like gardening: if your flower isn’t blossoming like you want it to, you don’t rip out its leaves as punishment for failing to satisfy you. You recognize the problem and figure out what’s going wrong with its environment so you can modify it, giving the flower a chance to bloom in its own time.

Accept your shortcoming or setback, forgive yourself, and figure out what’s going wrong so that you can plan for how to prevent it from repeating in the future. Thank your past self for trying in the first place and then give your future self the love needed to flourish.

everythingistakentbh

Drugs gave me wings and then took away my sky

(via everythingistakentbh)

#addiction recovery #addictionrecovery #substance abuse #substanceabuse

justscribbledwords

you understand me to the point where no one else could understand me you understand me to the point where i wouldn’t want to be understood by anyone else

you are love // justscribbledwords

I fucking miss love. I fucking miss you. Will you ever come back again?

animalsnaps

maybe one day i will be at peace with myself.

cryiinghearts

#depressed #depression #sad #poetry #deep poetry #depressive #deep quote #depressing #depressing thoughts #ugh

babyangelmoons

why does this keep happening to me ?????

betrayal

I don't want to know anything about you.

I don't want to hear your damn voice while you laugh with my old friends right in front of me.

I don't want to see your face.

I don't want anything to do with you.

#depressed #depression #sad #poetry #deep poetry #depressive #deep quote #depressing #depressing thoughts #ugh

ignored

Feeling dazed

But I'm off all my shit

Maybe I'm just numb or crazed

I can't feel it all a bit.

You promised to always be here,

And now I'm laughing because you are nowhere near.

Isn't this what I warned you I fear?

Or maybe I was not clear.

Maybe I am polarized.

Must I

Call out with the boldest shout

'Till you hear what has been so near

And clear?

Must I

Beg for my life

when you've handed me the knife

and watched all of the pain i have disposed through my eyes?

My tears translate to hurt, they translate to my darkest hours

Yet you will not allow me to show such emotion in your presence.

So I must lay down in the depths of the shadows

and dismiss myself in order to be tolerated.

I must diminish with the shadow when the sun comes,

only there when the moon is around.

I am elusive to you, because you choose for me to be.

#depressed #depression #poetry #deep poetry #depressive #deep quote #depressing #depressing thoughts #ugh #sad

Everything I Have Forgotten, But I Love You All The Same

And twice have my lips

grazed those of a pear,

a dewy residue of spit

left on me

like the rain that

has been nonstop for years,

my eyes swelling,

as I no longer have sight

of what I once was bound to.

I lost track of time

so much I forgot the person I am,

the person I was,

the person I want to be.

I do not wipe my tears,

instead, I always will allow

myself to accept the flow of the salty elixir

until a puddle of it is nestled between my lips

and I can taste my own grief.

I do not wipe the pear’s spit off from my freshly revived lips.

I have stories of my youth

which was spent dreaming and believing.

I would reach for the sky,

often losing myself in the cloudy blue fantasies

above me.

One day, I thought, I could live in the sky,

among the magical creatures and cotton candy clouds.

Eventually, I stopped looking up.

Down, at my feet, I was hidden.

The ground gave me too much of a

grounding,

leading me to become trapped.

I would shake the cage the earth’s soil had grown around me

so vigorously,

the echoes relayed themselves like shameful whispers

in my ears.

I nodded along to the whispers,

soon weaving them into intricate songs of beauty and grace.

I was bound to soon transform those whispers

into a valued item

which only allowed me to embrace my melancholy.

I grew attached to the whispers.

They overflowed my garden,

once blossoming so patiently,

into a furious storm of prickly weeds.

And what is a teenager to do about weeds in her garden

when the whole world keeps moving,

no breaks made to catch breath,

nor to properly tend the garden.

#depressed #depression #poetry #deep poetry #depressive #deep quote #depressing #depressing thoughts #sad #ugh #writing #my poetry #sad poetry

i shouldn’t be used to this

The stinging sensation pulsates while you pick yourself up from the crash. you had been a steady being, indifferent to the world around you that seemed to have detached itself from you, leaving you floating in an empty headspace. The beauties of other's smiles once felt like they could remove all gravity from a room, sending you soaring through the roof while the clouds sucked you into their gracious atmosphere filled with light and purity.

But something changed you. You clean your fluids off from your body, where they were oozing out and leaving you shattered and overexposed. Your identity rushes out of you in the deepest shade of red, and you pause to admire such. Though your identity must be stored within you to keep you bounded together, it is tempting to see what comes from the pain. It is tempting to wait for the scars and bruises, and to keep them to yourself as reminders. It is tempting to have your own story.

But at the cost of what? Your dignity. Your blood. Your body. You are throwing yourself away, letting yourself crash to the ground for other humans who cannot even find it within themselves to take a break from their test drives to help you up from a violent scene.

Is this because it is all your fault?