Pros and Cons: Why Was I Doing Drugs?
My first exercise in my out-patient rehab program was to list 20 pros or "payoffs" and 20 cons or "costs" that I had to using drugs. My drugs of choice were marijuana, alcohol, Adderall, and huffing nitrous oxide (also known as "whippets").
Here are my 20 payoffs, the reasons I did the drugs:
1. That relaxing, floating feeling the whippets would give me. I felt physically and mentally numb, my body was tingly, and I would get a head rush.
2. Being able to drown my depression and anxiety in intoxication.
3. I grew to love and crave the feeling of the whippets flowing through my body and filling up my lungs.
4. The lightheadedness feeling from the whippets that would make me feel like passing out, and sometimes actually passing out.
5. The "whomp-whomps" (the sound hallucinations whippets give you).
6. The taste of nitrous oxide.
7. The nice, heavy sleep after using whippets.
8. That sweet taste of Adderall in the back of my thoat when I would snort it.
9. Being able to stay awake and alert for as long as I needed to when abusing Adderall.
10. Losing 20 pounds from Adderall abuse and feeling more confident in my body.
11. I grew to love the action of snorting itself.
12. Adderall made my overall well-being great. I felt happy if I was high on Adderall.
13. All of the friends I made through marijuana/smoking culture.
14. The memories I've made while smoking/ingesting marijuana. I have some pretty crazy, fun stories.
15. Smoking a blunt to myself. Something about it is just relaxing, and nice, like I'm treating myself. I also taught myself to French inhale, which became an obsession of mine.
16. Being part of the pot culture, and being described as "cool" or "chill" because I smoked.
17. Being able to have a good time with other intoxicated people at parties and social gatherings.
18. Being able to order drinks at bars and restaurants, especially because I've only been 21 for a few months.
19. Drinking to become more out-going, less anxious, and more social.
20. All the knowledge I've gained about mind-altering substances and how it affects you in positive and negative ways.
And my 20 costs, the reasons that motivated me to quit:
1. Temporarily solved the pain, but prolonged and worsened the depression and anxiety. I felt like my mental health was deteriorating.
2. I can't breathe like I used to anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm gasping for air that isn't there, like I just can't fill my lungs up. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night because I can't breathe.
3. My nose bleeds randomly from snorting Adderall.
4. The whippets can cause damage to bone marrow, which led to tooth sensitivity, and my gums would bleed every time I would brush my teeth.
5. Losing track of time and "go missing" for hours because I was so high from the whippets.
6. I would sleep with a drug dealer for whippets, Adderall, marijuana, and other drugs as well as for food and money.
7. I would spend all my money on drugs. I once spent my entire student loan on marijuana one semester. With Adderall, I was buying $150+ worth at a time. With whippets, I would spend every last cent, drained my checking and savings accounts, sneak money from my parents, lie to them about where it was going, and leave myself no money for food or bills.
8. I feel as if I've developed an eating disorder after abusing Adderall and losing so much weight.
9. The hallucinations and the feeling of losing my mind when I was awake for 70 hours straight after abusing lots of Adderall at once.
10. The comedown of Adderall abuse. I went through mental and physical withdrawals. I felt empty, dead, worthless, and as if I had nothing to live for anymore.
11. The dependency. The feeling that you just need the substance in order to get through anything.
12. All the times I threw up from alcohol, which was pretty much every time I got drunk.
13. The guilty feeling after lying to friends about my use, stealing money from my parents and lying about where it was going, and hiding from everyone I loved just so I could use without their disappointment.
14. The feeling of being judged for using drugs, like all I am is a druggie or bad influence.
15. The only way I've been able to cope up to this point has been to fill my body with things that are dangerous for me.
16. The lonely and ashamed feeling when I hide in my car to use whippets or snort Adderall. The distance I would create between myself and the people I love because I was hiding my hurt and didn't want them to know what was going on with me.
17. The look on my friends' faces when they found me in my car using whippets after being clean for 3 weeks...it broke my heart.
18. The fact that my parents no longer trust me enough to give me any money because they feel like they'll be enabling me to continue to use.
19. The effect the whippets and marijuana abuse had on my school attendance and homework.
20. The freezer burn I gave myself from the whippets on my lip, chin, and even leg.
My takeaway from this assignment:
The pros were harder to come up with than the cons. Listing them all out when you're trying to be sober, it's so easy to remember all the reasons you want to quit, but it's hard to remember more than a couple reasons that made you want to continue doing them. Another thing I noticed, the pros, they aren't reasons. They're just excuses I would tell myself to continue to use.
Another thing to notice is that a lot of the pros and cons kind of go hand in hand. For example, the pro: "losing 20 pounds and feeling more confident in my body" and the con: "I feel as if I developed an eating disorder after losing all that weight," they connect. Some excuses you have to continue to use may sound like a pro, but it ends in a con. Also notice how the cons are much more descriptive and sound much worse than any of the pros. Let me tell you something, those pros/excuses, they are not worth the cons.
#project hail mary
#heated rivalry
#writers on tumblr
#photography
