no matter how close you and matt were—physically and emotionally—it never got to a point where he’d open up to you. maybe chris and nick if it really got to that point, but even that was an incredibly rare occasion. now, you’re at your apartments rooftop, legs dangling off the edge, moonlight glowing just enough to show the smoke leaving his mouth. the weirdest part of this isn’t the fact you’re curled into his side, or that it’s in the middle of the night, it’s that he’s talking. talking about everything clouding his mind, talking about anything and everything.
you were always the closest to him out of the three, it wasn’t anything dramatic, the two of you just had an invisible pull towards the other. it worked for you two, he’d listen and you’d talk, leading to him knowing the most about your struggles.
“y’know.. sometimes i wish you’d smoke with me.” he spoke like it was costing him something, like he was risking everything—which to be fair, it felt like he was. you’d never smoke and you had made that very clear, seeing what it did to people around you.
you met his eyes in the dark, they held a glimmer of hope and something entirely different. you raised an eyebrow thinking it was probably a joke, but when his expression didn’t change, you sighed, turning away. “matt..you know exactly why i can’t,”
“you could if you wanted to.”
“matt.”
“just wish you could be high and experience how it feels, ‘s all.” he never cared that you didn’t smoke, infact he thought it was better that you didn’t smoke. so you weren’t quite sure what, or why he wanted you to be high. you sat in silence after that, a new uncomfortable tension was weighing heavy on the two of you.
the silence was too much to bare. you snatched the joint from his hand, inspecting it like it was a foreign object to you. “what do you even want me to be high for?” you mumbled.
he shrugged, keeping his eyes focused on his prized possession
you turned away and groaned.
“seriously, you never wanted me to smoke, why now?” when you looked at him, he wasn’t looking at the joint, or at the city, but at you.
he leaned in, your eyes meeting, foreheads nearly touching. he was giving you space to pull away, he was close enough you could feel him breathing on your lips. your breath hitched, not for long, but long enough that he caught it and let a grin plaster his face. “i wanted you high—” he stared at your plump lips, closing the slight distance between you two. the kiss wasn't simple or clean—actually, it was the complete opposite. full of passion but rushed, like he was holding that in for months—maybe even years. your lashes fluttered shut as you were focused on the movement of his lips against yours. he slowly pulled back, just to breathe, and to whisper "for that." you opened your eyes, confident that he could hear your heartbeat. matt took in your expression before flashing the same cocky grin you've seen on him use on multiple people before. the smoke from the joint continued curling in the air, it should have made you both feel suffocated, it should have made you guys realize what you two were actually doing, but if anything, it fueled matt more. he kept chasing after your lips, the soft pink shade, the way they were swelled, and the soft pants that left them had him craving for more. he stubbed the joint on the bottom of his shoes before returning to you.
"you're so greedy" you smiled against his lips, he hummed. not just to agree but to show you he was paying attention. paying attention to your reactions, to the noises that left you, and to how your body kept inching closer—if that was even possible. everytime you'd break apart for a breath, he'd whisper something to you, a toxic promise.
"i promise we'll be so good."
"don't be scared, 'm right here."
"baby, breathe." the petname fell from his lips like silk. it caught you off guard for a second, but you weren't complaining. you couldn't. not when his mouth was on you again. you felt like you were on fire, or that you were on cloud 9. gaining more confidence, your hands reached around his shoulders to the nape of his neck, slightly tugging at his hair. a reaction you expected was a gasp, a moan, a whimper—anything of that sort. not for him to smile and lift you by the hips, moving you to his lap. in any other scenario you would've been terrified of being so high up without stability, but matt's hands on your waist felt stable enough. not necessarily safe, but it felt right. even if your own eyes weren’t red-rimmed, looking into matt’s made it feel like they were. matt seems to be thriving off of the weed and your lips, you would probably get high with him later if he asked again. because now? now you weren't scared, you weren't thinking about how smoking altered people, you were thinking of how lost in pleasure you could get, of how light you would feel, how it would feel to be high and kissing matt.
he pulled away before letting himself get addicted to yet another thing. resting his head in the crook of your neck, breathing in your scent.
you looked down at him, continuing to tangle your figures through his soft brown curls. yes, the experience was amazing and yes you enjoyed it, but all that you could think about was what now? he spoke up and wrapped his arms tighter around you before you could question him. “you’re shivering.”
truthfully, you hadn’t noticed. you could’ve sworn you were just sweating from how overwhelmed you felt from his mouth on yours. he helped you off his lap and further away from the edge of the building.
as much as he didn’t want you to leave, he had to. he walked you to your room before leaving to go to his. you knew matt and you knew he could forget about everything when the morning came, but something in you was saying otherwise, and you trusted your gut more than anything.
as you cozied into your bed, the moment kept replaying in your head, certain you weren’t getting over it anytime soon. even if you weren’t high for that—as matt worded it—it damn well felt like you were. you realized you wouldn’t mind getting high if it was with matt. because with matt, everything was different, and if it meant being able to experience that again? so be it.
𝓅s : no this isn’t what the songs about but i really didn’t feel like writing smut so i just went this way instead, either way i literally cannot write kissing-smut scenes loool, lmk if this feels crazy awkward cause not at one point throughout this did i know what i was doing hence the abrupt ending </3
no matter how close you and matt were—physically and emotionally—it never got to a point where he’d open up to you. maybe chris and nick if it really got to that point, but even that was an incredibly rare occasion. now, you’re at your apartments rooftop, legs dangling off the edge, moonlight glowing just enough to show the smoke leaving his mouth. the weirdest part of this isn’t the fact you’re curled into his side, or that it’s in the middle of the night, it’s that he’s talking. talking about everything clouding his mind, talking about anything and everything.
you were always the closest to him out of the three, it wasn’t anything dramatic, the two of you just had an invisible pull towards the other. it worked for you two, he’d listen and you’d talk, leading to him knowing the most about your struggles.
“y’know.. sometimes i wish you’d smoke with me.” he spoke like it was costing him something, like he was risking everything—which to be fair, it felt like he was. you’d never smoke and you had made that very clear, seeing what it did to people around you.
you met his eyes in the dark, they held a glimmer of hope and something entirely different. you raised an eyebrow thinking it was probably a joke, but when his expression didn’t change, you sighed, turning away. “matt..you know exactly why i can’t,”
“you could if you wanted to.”
“matt.”
“just wish you could be high and experience how it feels, ‘s all.” he never cared that you didn’t smoke, infact he thought it was better that you didn’t smoke. so you weren’t quite sure what, or why he wanted you to be high. you sat in silence after that, a new uncomfortable tension was weighing heavy on the two of you.
the silence was too much to bare. you snatched the joint from his hand, inspecting it like it was a foreign object to you. “what do you even want me to be high for?” you mumbled.
he shrugged, keeping his eyes focused on his prized possession
you turned away and groaned.
“seriously, you never wanted me to smoke, why now?” when you looked at him, he wasn’t looking at the joint, or at the city, but at you.
he leaned in, your eyes meeting, foreheads nearly touching. he was giving you space to pull away, he was close enough you could feel him breathing on your lips. your breath hitched, not for long, but long enough that he caught it and let a grin plaster his face. “i wanted you high—” he stared at your plump lips, closing the slight distance between you two. the kiss wasn't simple or clean—actually, it was the complete opposite. full of passion but rushed, like he was holding that in for months—maybe even years. your lashes fluttered shut as you were focused on the movement of his lips against yours. he slowly pulled back, just to breathe, and to whisper "for that." you opened your eyes, confident that he could hear your heartbeat. matt took in your expression before flashing the same cocky grin you've seen on him use on multiple people before. the smoke from the joint continued curling in the air, it should have made you both feel suffocated, it should have made you guys realize what you two were actually doing, but if anything, it fueled matt more. he kept chasing after your lips, the soft pink shade, the way they were swelled, and the soft pants that left them had him craving for more. he stubbed the joint on the bottom of his shoes before returning to you.
"you're so greedy" you smiled against his lips, he hummed. not just to agree but to show you he was paying attention. paying attention to your reactions, to the noises that left you, and to how your body kept inching closer—if that was even possible. everytime you'd break apart for a breath, he'd whisper something to you, a toxic promise.
"i promise we'll be so good."
"don't be scared, 'm right here."
"baby, breathe." the petname fell from his lips like silk. it caught you off guard for a second, but you weren't complaining. you couldn't. not when his mouth was on you again. you felt like you were on fire, or that you were on cloud 9. gaining more confidence, your hands reached around his shoulders to the nape of his neck, slightly tugging at his hair. a reaction you expected was a gasp, a moan, a whimper—anything of that sort. not for him to smile and lift you by the hips, moving you to his lap. in any other scenario you would've been terrified of being so high up without stability, but matt's hands on your waist felt stable enough. not necessarily safe, but it felt right. even if your own eyes weren’t red-rimmed, looking into matt’s made it feel like they were. matt seems to be thriving off of the weed and your lips, you would probably get high with him later if he asked again. because now? now you weren't scared, you weren't thinking about how smoking altered people, you were thinking of how lost in pleasure you could get, of how light you would feel, how it would feel to be high and kissing matt.
he pulled away before letting himself get addicted to yet another thing. resting his head in the crook of your neck, breathing in your scent.
you looked down at him, continuing to tangle your figures through his soft brown curls. yes, the experience was amazing and yes you enjoyed it, but all that you could think about was what now? he spoke up and wrapped his arms tighter around you before you could question him. “you’re shivering.”
truthfully, you hadn’t noticed. you could’ve sworn you were just sweating from how overwhelmed you felt from his mouth on yours. he helped you off his lap and further away from the edge of the building.
as much as he didn’t want you to leave, he had to. he walked you to your room before leaving to go to his. you knew matt and you knew he could forget about everything when the morning came, but something in you was saying otherwise, and you trusted your gut more than anything.
as you cozied into your bed, the moment kept replaying in your head, certain you weren’t getting over it anytime soon. even if you weren’t high for that—as matt worded it—it damn well felt like you were. you realized you wouldn’t mind getting high if it was with matt. because with matt, everything was different, and if it meant being able to experience that again? so be it.
𝓅s : no this isn’t what the songs about but i really didn’t feel like writing smut so i just went this way instead, either way i literally cannot write kissing-smut scenes loool, lmk if this feels crazy awkward cause not at one point throughout this did i know what i was doing hence the abrupt ending </3
𝓅s : creds to @/delilahsturniolo for the whole album marathon idea ! i split up hob & gtg just to make it easier !! the schedule will most likely change just cause of how lazy i can get </3
𝓅s : creds to @/delilahsturniolo for the whole album marathon idea ! i got rid of gtg (second half of hob) just to make it easier !! the schedule will most likely change just cause of how lazy i can get </3
in which . . bsf!reader shouldn't like bsf!matt, but she can't control her feelings and he can't control the distance between them
warnings . . kinda fluff(?) , unresolved angst
requested here !
you've been best-friends with matt for as long as you can remember. your first tooth falling out? he was there. his first girlfriend? you were there. you getting braces? he was there. him scraping his knee while skateboarding? you were there. everyone was surprised that you guys weren't a thing or at least had feelings for each other yet.
the soft glow of the tv lighting up matt's jaw and nose as he spooned you into his side with his tattooed arm. nick and chris on the other couch, invested in whatever movie they'd picked. cuddling during movies was nothing new between you two — it happened basically every movie night. it should have felt familiar, it should have felt safe, it should have felt comforting. but it didn't. your heart was pounding at your ribcage to be let out, to breathe.
matt huffed, "kid, i can feel y'starin' at me, whats going on in that head of yours?" matt always had a way with words, knowing how you were feeling before you even registered it. you stared up at him, doe-eyed. like a deer in headlights.
"h-huh? nothing 'm ok," he fully turned to face you, eyes hopping around your face to figure out the truth. he was opening his mouth to speak before you cut him off with your own voice, "i'm gonna head to your room, 'm tired." as you stood up you felt chris and nick's eyes on you, waving them a goodnight as you entered matt's room.
you weren't tired.
you just needed space. space to figure out why you were reacting how you were. space to figure out what was going on in your head. space to figure out answers and do your own research. doing your own research included looking at articles on the internet, articles about love, how it feels, what it is, and how it happens. throughout your school years you never trusted the internet, not once. its always full of random bullshit stories and rumours is what you told yourself, but for once, maybe it wouldn't hurt trusting the internet.
"loves a silly feeling, people have different ideas of love and it's different for everyone. but one things always the same in their description of love, of how it should feel like something warm, comforting, tender. something that comes easily before you even realize it. something that gives you that adrenaline rush but never too much to tip you off. it should feel like yours, and only yours."
reading that felt off, it reminded you too much of how you felt around matt. how reliable and safe he felt, like your favourite fluffy blanket shielding you. you hated to admit how it might be true, you hated to admit that matt probably knew with how you'd acted. but you mostly hated that you might actually love him.
before you could put more thought into the idea of loving matt, he was at the door. staring. "thought you were tired?", he didn't get a reply. instead you shifted to the right side of the bed as he laid on the left, saying goodnight and that he loves you. he loves you. it was on the tip of your tongue, it always was. not once in your years of knowing him did you ever say those three words back to him. he didn't mind it much, but you did. you did because for you two, love had a different meaning. you felt it deeply, tenderly, romantically. he felt it platonically. at least from what you knew.
. . .
the next morning you woke up and left before any three of them could stop you. you couldn't lay there and be anywhere around matt after realizing you might love him. you didn't feel okay. you cared for him — of course you did, he's your best-friend, but did you care enough to say that you love him? to say that you need him? to say that you want him? because maybe, if for once in your life, you told him 'i love you' he would stay. but you could also always lie, saying it was nothing, that you're fine, and continue to never tell him that you love him. but would you still feel the way you do?
. . .
after that day, the hangouts became less frequent, the movie nights stopped, the texts shortened until it was almost like he never existed. you couldn't blame him, you were the one that stopped reaching out. loving someone scared you. and the texts on your phone felt like a joke as you kept rereading them when it was just you.
matt: hey you comin over? nick wants to gossip or sum, kid won't shut up.
read 12:34pm
matt: read? atleast lmk if you're comin or not. we can hangout another time if you want? just us?
read 8:09pm
matt: kid i can't read your mind yk, text me when you feel like it. love you always
read 1:42am
it was your fault. you knew that. your mistakes are the reason for the distance, but matt was patient with you. he always was. laying down on your pillow, bringing the covers up to your chin, a useless attempt to sleep. what if you never met matt? where would you be in life? what if you could rewind time and make sure you never met matt, or any of the three? the realization of everything settled deep in your bones, the quiet before the storm. before all hell let loose.
you hated to admit that it was your fault.
you hated to admit that it's true
and mostly, you hate that you love him.
a/n : this took so long and its not proofread so ignore any mistakes for my own sanity.. im sorry wow i got so lazy at the ending im sorry again gosh .
a/n 2 : GUYS PLS I FORGOT AB THE WHOLE BUT THEN YOU KISS ME AND WE'RE RIGHT BACK TO WHERE WE STARTED FROM IN THE SONG OH MY GOD IM REALIZING THIS AFTER I WROTE IT 😭😭
i have hate to be lame in my drafts butttt... i was wondering if i should make an au and have u guys sends reqs in my inbox cause i would prefer that instead of making a whole series (im lazy) soo lmk if you guys would be interested
i could make like a little intro post to establish their relationship and then you guys could send reqs based off of that
Matt please!! I saw another creator do it and I loved it soo much but i can’t find it now. And you’re writing is so so so good, so i was hoping you could write it!
i think lara (harrystyleslover212) did it bc i told her tooo , i miss that girl like crazy </3 ill def get to it now!!
currently watching: rewatching true blood and ncis
current obsession: alexander skarsgård & AKOTSK
last google search: what did they call a temper tantrum in asoiaf
currently working on: the second chapter of my daeron au
🏷️ no pressure tags! @rottenbites @userhotd @lilahthedoll @bellesreverie @pensfairy @dewypout @deertaur @dolcefloral @doeeyedcrucifix @deerpains + anyone who would like to join
Reading your ficsss!! You’re such a good writer omggg
Who’s Lara btw? I saw your post abt her, was she the harrystyleslover212 who was like in your comments for the first fic but not the second?
thank you smsm<3
lara was a writer on here who did disable the day i posted that i missed her, yes she was harrystyleslover212! we were good friends and i miss her loads </3
in which . . reader and toxic!chris are exes who only want eachother when they're under substances . wc 0.6k
warnings . . suggestive, angst, mentions of weed & alcohol
you and chris always had a perfect relationship, glued by the hip. even if he was in la and you were still in boston, there wasn't a second where you guys were seen without eachother. slowly it shifted, he claimed it was 'work' and you, not wanting to seem like a burden, gave him that space. but, it felt like he was leaving you behind— or letting you go.
the distance only caused more issues, sleeping mad, texts on delivered or even seen and less frequent visits. the issues kept piling and piling until it became too much.
it happened the next time he came to boston.
the breakup wasn't clean. it was messy, words that couldn't be taken back were said in the heat of it. doors were slammed, bags were packed and tears were most definitely shed.
. . .
a month or two had passed, you weren't sure, it all felt like a blur. you also weren't sure how he was holding up, but you also didn't care— atleast, thats what you told yourself. because even if physically it was no contact, he still lived in every corner of your head. and quite frankly, your routine now only consisted of going to clubs, bars, getting drunk out of your mind and rolling joints to the point you couldn't even walk in a straight line.
one night it came crashing down, the so called 'progress' you made was all down the drain. cause last night, who knows what happened. but you certainly weren't in your room, the weight of someones arm was on your waist and your legs tangled. instinct kicked in, only to look over and see a brunette haired boy. chris. the same chris you hadn't seen in months. except he wasn't the same, he looked far more out of it. red eyes, messy hair that wasn't just from waking up.
it hit you when you tried to get up, the pain shooting up your legs only making you crash back down. the dip in the bed as you fell stirred him awake with a low groan coming straight from his chest.
batting his eyes open, he noticed you sitting on the edge of the bed.
" where y'going? " chris questioned, afterall, it had been months and he missed you—only when he was under the influence, though.
" away from you. " you said it so softly he might've missed it if it wasn't as quiet as a library in his room. you knew he heard you, he heard everything. he just never tried. which is why when you found your heels at the edge of his bed and clothes discarded around his room you didn't look back when you left. and he didn't chase.
he never did.
cause he knew, you'd always come back when you were drunk.
and he was right. you woke up there consistently, with a pounding headache and legs that constantly betrayed you. you knew it'd never be you and him again. he just kept you at arms length cause it was easy— easier than admitting he missed you, easier than working it out, easier than everything else. you never knew that. you never would, but the thrill of waking up next to him— even just for a night kept you around. because the attention he gave you when the sun was down, covered every danger this situation ever held.
eventually, he pulled back enough to hurt you, but reeled you in enough to keep you on your toes. he knew what he was doing and you knew that this was wrong. he'd only fuck you up is what everyone told you. and thats exactly what he was doing. he was selfish, but you were obsessed.
deep down, you knew it'd never go back to being healthy, and that this on-off relation would never end.
but deep down, you also knew, you should've been running for the hills.
a/n : pls this got so sloppy at the end </3 . for @nrdmatt
in which . . reader's always had a thing for chris, but she can't risk losing the only good thing in her life . wc 0.5k
warnings . . angst, mentions of suicide & being insecure, yearning
february 3rd, 2014
the day i met the person who saved me, even if he'll never know it.
stepping out into the fields, i planned on going to my bench and digging my nose into a book— like i did on any normal day. except this wasn't a normal day, because suddenly, a boy came running up to me. saying something about needing another person to play a game with, all i knew was that i was mesmerized, he looked like a guy you would dream about spending every breath with. i didn't care what he wanted, i just knew i'd be there, for every single breath he took.
and i was.
realizing i loved chris wasn't something that suddenly hit me like a train, it was subtle, in the small moments. the moments where he held me for a second too long, the moments where we'd stay up all night doing some movie marathon, the moments where i wanted to do nothing but die, and he'd keep me in his arms all night telling me it'll be ok or that it'll get better. the moments where my heart felt like a stone. yet, in that same heart, i felt a flower bloom, and he was the cause of it.
the flower was pink, like the colour my face turned when he'd tuck some hair behind my ear. it felt perfect, i was by him, i knew him better than anyone. the little promises he'd make, the smiles, every friendship he had, everything about him, i knew. i wouldn't mind being like this forever, but forever doesn't exist— at least not for me.
what did hit like a train, was her slowly stepping into chris' life like she belonged by his side. truthfully, she did. more than i ever did. it was painfully obvious that they were a match made in heaven. she was the girl that you'd see on tiktok and would wish you could look like her. she was too sweet, or maybe i'm just too bitter. she took her place beside him, the place i once held with my head high.
i know he didn’t mean to, it just happened. i don’t know why i thought for once it would be different, because in the end, i still loved him. maybe it would be easier if she was just some random mean girl he had hooked up with, but, she was a ball of sunshine. his smiles were real— not the fake ones i had began to notice when he was trying to be nice. she took my place in those little moments i held so dear to me, and i realized one thing,
he was never mine.
he'd never be mine, and i'd never be his. i'd be stuck in the sidelines for eternity. but, no matter what i still loved him wishing that it could've ended up differently. i could only blame myself, because maybe, just maybe, if i confessed i'd be in her position instead. i was scared. i couldn't risk the bond we had. however, i'd still fulfill my promise of being there, for every breath he takes.
a/n : this feels so messy and rushed umm hi this is scary also everyone thank liv & val for proof reading
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