trying on a metaphor
PUT YOUR BEARD IN MY MOUTH
dirt enthusiast
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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#extradirty
Mike Driver
KIROKAZE
祝日 / Permanent Vacation
taylor price
DEAR READER
⁂
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Claire Keane
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sheepfilms
Sweet Seals For You, Always
$LAYYYTER
d e v o n
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@cryinginmyfrozenyogurt
warm hands and a fountain by a lake. tears that are of joy and words that are tender and true. a memory that is so happy. i miss you. i miss the moment that there was joy, and a moment of realization about how much you care. tears that are earnest. a good thing. i’ll be okay i’ll be okay i’ll be okay.
my birthdays this week and i remember a month or two ago the only thing i could even imagine wanting was for you to wish me a happy birthday and i remember how i thought my last birthday was my best birthday because you were in it and now you probably won’t even text me and you aren’t in my life anymore and i’m still sad about it i thought i wasn’t anymore but i still am but at least now it’s less like spirals on a gum ball machine and more like how there’s leftover ice when the sun starts to melt the snow because i wonder if you even remember anything about me and i wonder if you remember my birthday because in the end i didn’t mean as much to you as i thought i did but i also don’t care enough to let it get to me anymore
of course i would film myself fumbling around on a piano whilst tipsy
i’m not going to put this on my main blog because i don’t want too many people to know but recently i applied for a transfer school in boston and i hope more than anything that i’ll get in and i’ll get to go i hope so much that i get that because i think it could be really good for me and it’s not my dream school but it’s a really good school with a really good program and really good people and i just hope i get this one thing i haven’t wanted anything like this since i discovered how good it felt to love and be loved in return i just want to live right please universe let this be for me
it’s been forever since we talked and now i have all these scrapes and bruises and i have no one to tell about how i got them and no one to make me laugh like you do but i don’t know the difference between spirals in my head like a gumball machine and the feeling of me missing you so i guess this means we’re both done but we’ve been done for a while i think and that hurts to admit but i’m just trying to figure out how to exist in a way that doesn’t make it worse
it’s december and my mom wants to throw a party for me and my brother and she told me to invite you. she’s doesn’t know that we broke up because i haven’t told her and i just wish we were still together because we would be making plans to see each other over winter break and we would finally get to have that sparkly liquor and build pillow forts or just talk and i really want to see you but i don’t think i’m going to get to and i want to reach out to you so bad because i miss you and i still love you even after everything and it hurts to know that maybe i won’t be able to talk to you for the rest of my life and i know i should move on but i don’t know how to just yet and waiting is staring to feel useless and disappointing
i used to think we’d use euphemisms to say “i love you” and thought it was almost romantic but now i think maybe i was just delusional and you didn’t care at all
i know i should probably go to my therapist tomorrow and tell her that i’ve been burning myself again but idk if i’m going to tbh shit i can’t do anything right
is it sad that the nicest interaction w anyone i’ve had all day is the cashier at the cvs telling me to feel better if i was sick when i bought the nyquil
i think i’m going to like listen to sad songs and drink nyquil probably i don’t have class until 11;30 tomorrow anyways
fuck it’s getting bad again and last time this happened i went crazy and drank too much nyquil and no one cared no one cares no one cares especially the people i want to care about me the most they don’t care it’s not their fault they don’t care it’s just i really wish they did and the only person that makes me feel cared about are my dad and my step mom but i have such a weird relationship with them and if they found out about how i’m failing my classes and that i got a tattoo and my mom they’d hate me they’d drop me
i’m so glad i kept this blog because now too many ppl i know follow my main blog and i don’t feel comfortable talking abt my feelings on there because i want to isolate and just get random ass notes on my posts stop trying to help me with my self destructive behavior i want to be alone
my worst fear: that you’ll never love me and you’ll never be able to love me and it’ll be a waste of devotion. here’s the thing, i can’t get over you because i don’t want to get over you and more than anything i just want you to come back just please text me or call me and tell me you want to work things out that’s all i really want and we can be together... please if you meant it when you said you loved me stay please, just a little bit longer tell me you will i just wish i could call you and hear your voice this hurts more than i thought it would
letter to myself in a year
date: 11-10-17
right now you're at a low point in your life. there's no other way to put it. you're failing most of your classes, you feel like you have no success and no value, and you've gotten you're heart broken again by the same person. life as of right now sucks and is hard and you don't feel like you have a lot to look forward to and you're writing this letter to yourself in a year 1/2 as a distraction and 1/2 as a dare to keep on living just to see how things turn out. are you still going to that shitty school? i know you want to move so san francisco so how's that? get a job already i know you have depression and anxiety and things are hard but you're kind of getting help so i hope you're condition improves. i don't want to know about love i almost hope you haven't met anyone just so you can feel content with yourself and love always hurts you in the worst ways. did you actually fail your classes? i hope not that would really suck i know you went through a really bad time in your life but like tell me you did good that's something i'm really worried about for us anyways whatever i don't really have any questions that are that long term idk maybe i'll rewrite this later see ya in a year hope you're doing better
this feels strange. like i'm wearing shoes two sizes too big and there's just too much extra room. it doesn't fit. maybe i just need to grow into it? i know i have growing to do and maybe i just haven't learned how to be. i hate college if i'm being honest. maybe i'm not social enough for it or maybe i just haven't figured out good time management. that's all i ever hear, time management. budgeting is hard. i miss not having to buy my groceries all the time and not always saying i can't afford something. my dad was right about getting a summer job but i was too focused on other things. this is kind of frustrating but in a quiet passive way, like i wish i was doing better but i don't care enough to be bothered to make any progress. i want to write an amazing album and go on tour but i like the security a boring desk job has. in the end i just really want an apartment and a lover who cares about me.
working on it
i feel like i have a lot to think about and nothing to say. this is hard to swallow, but i guess that's expected when i thought i would be with you forever, or at least longer than this. it doesn't quite hurt the same as the first heartbreak, it's almost like this time i know it isn't over, like i know there's something unfinished between us, something still has to happen. i have to work on myself for a bit though, that i am sure. i need to be alone. being without you is hard still, do you still think i could be your soulmate?
i went through this blog and i can't believe i felt so intensely about someone like that... i can't remember what it felt like but i know i felt it once. how odd. i'm in such a similar situation that i was a while ago except this time i know they love me, they told me. but god she hurt me so much more this time. would i be a fool to do what i did last time and run to her with a big gesture of love? stay tuned
