Yes, I have a criminal AU based on KoKoBop because why not and I want to talk about it because there's no actual story connected to it, just a bunch of babes~
It’s gonna be a long post, though.
This is kind of a lazy gang but I love them.
Minseok (Xiumin) is the leader and he doesn't really do much right now other than being soft and kissing his babes. It's not really some kind of harem or whatever because it's mostly just platonic kisses but he just cares for the members so. fucking. much like where would he be without them?
That's a good question and also he would probably be in jail, not because he'd get caught but just because what's the fun in doing soft crimes and stuff if you're all lonely?
So yeah, he has done most of what the others do but they do it far better than he does - and because he's got an organized mind and is really good at figuring out how to work everything so nothing ever goes wrong, he's just ... the leader.
Honestly, he doesn't look like the leader at all but hey, that's good because nobody would actually think he could do the shit he does. And if you were to betray him, he would kiss your temple right before he cuts your throat. That's my boy Minseok.
Jongin (or Junghwa, maybe Junghwa tbh) is 2nd in command but only because they're romantically involved with Xiumin lmao. Like that's literally it. The two of them just love each other a little more than they love the rest of the members. They're also the scariest member of the gang outside of Xiumin whose appearance betrays his mind.
Either way, Jongin/Junghwa is scary as fuck. They do most of the murders and honestly, they mostly do them for Chanyeol's sake but they can do them for any of the gang members. They enjoy it, the desperation of their victim as they stare death in the eyes. Exhilarating! And it's just so enjoyable to lift that gun, aim that knife, press those fingers into throats.
Jongin/Junghwa loves looking into the eyes of their victims to really see the fear and they honestly have absolutely no trouble killing kids either.
There's nothing psychopathic over them as such, though. Emotions fully intact, moral code just completely screwed.
They love cuddling after a job well done tho and they sleep practically 15 hours a day so most of the time they look so so so soft and approachable lmao.
Chen (Jongdae) is the information. Mostly he gets it from eavesdropping and monitoring the police and the political people but sometimes he also gets it on the streets. Honestly, Jongdae is so wild on the streets like he can sniff up the most irrelevant information and still have it be relevant. Ask about anyone and Jongdae will get you information.
He's got a lot of informants as well. Actually he prefers everything but hacking because hacking is really really boring and it leaves him alone in front of a computer. He's a social guy, man, what did you expect?
He knows how to hack, though, but it's just not something he does if he can avoid it. Getting information the old way is preferred.
Jongdae used to be a spy for North Korea but then he ended up liking South Korea too much so he defected and found Xiumin and Jongin/Junghwa instead and hey, that was pretty good as well.
Jongdae has gotten new identities countless of times but hey, with a guy like Chanyeol, it couldn't get any easier.
So yeah, lets talk about Chanyeol because now I've mentioned him twice, haha. Chanyeol does ghosting. That's primarily his job and oh boy does he enjoy it. In case you don't know what ghosting is, it's taking the identity of someone that few people know has died.
And that's where Jongin/Junghwa comes into their partnership because what better way than to steal a dead person's identity than to kill them first?
That way very few people will know they have died (if any at all) and fixing passport photos etc. is a piece of cake. So mostly they ghost when they need knew identities because that way they can take on a "living" person's identity and if everything else fits (age, appearance to a certain extent, nationality and so on) then why not?
He can make fake identities from scratch as well but that requires more work and Chanyeol actually likes ghosting. To think of the lives they overtake and wonder who they were in the past.
Oh, to dig up all those childhood memories of the ghost and hand them to a member - what a joy.
Chanyeol honestly lives for ghosting.
He's also tall as fuck and has a wide smile on his lips so being in public is not really any problem and - seriously, Chanyeol has so much free time, what is he gonna do with it?
Which leads us to Joonmyun. Not really but I want to talk about Joonmyun. So ... Joonmyun actually does a lot of the footwork in the gang. How boring, now isn't it? Okay, no, not really.
Joonmyun is a total babe and mostly he just sets stuff on fire.
Arson is his specialty and he's developed his own way of doing it. Like you just know when it's EXO's arsonist that has been lighting fires but nobody is able to catch him because he's just that sneaky.
He's so good at what he does, though, because he lingers in the night and also looks like a normal business man at day, assessing the buildings, how to light them on fire subtly and makes mental notes for days or even weeks.
Every arson is so well-planned that it's just impossible to trace it back to him, yet at the same time there's just this thing that makes it his entirely.
He also does drugs as in he sells them. Sometimes he hands them out at night clubs because why the fuck not and he's got that dealer reputation but nobody really dares take him down as a dealer either because Joonmyun is the perfect liar and he can get away with everything.
Smooth motherfucker really.
Let's talk about Soo next. I kind of want it to be Sookyung, though. She's a badass woman. She holds a master in biochemistry and that's actually her best weapon. She spends most of her time in labs and she hates noise and bothersome gang members that just wants to cuddle like get the fuck out of her lab. Right now.
She is actually kind of harmless, even if she's also the most deadlist.
Sookyung usually makes CBRN threats. She has yet to actually release anything to create a contamination but that's beside the question. The threats are definitely enough to have people do their bidding, especially political people.
If you don't know what CBRN stands for, it's an abbreviation of Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear and it's used as either attacks, defense or happens as accidents, usually with quite horrible consequences.
While Sookyung deals mostly with the Chemical and the Biological aspect of CBRN, she has knowledge of the other two as well. She doesn't really use them for consequences but rather nurses her vira and bacteria and tries to combine and create new fatal chemicals.
She's a little introverted and mostly wears a scowl on her face but she's also fiercely loyal and when she's comfortable she can speak for hours about her small microscopic children.
She prefers Xiumin, Jongin/Junghwa, Seyoon and Lay over the talkative members such as Jongdae, Chanyeol and Baekhyun.
Lay operates in a business suit as he walks around in the daylight and looks into numbers. He works top jobs and steals millions of money with fraud, but he's the kindest person on Earth and nobody would consider him worthy of such crimes.
He's intelligent as fuck, often leading to confusing moments and he's often far ahead compared to the people around him. It makes him seem rather dazed and sometimes people think he smokes weed. Yixing has never touched such substances, though, his intelligence just puts him on another level.
Fraud keeps him sane and he loves tempering with the numbers, watching his own bank account grow as he empties banks and large companies before he moves onto the next one.
Originally from China, he has contacts in China as well and sometimes operate there. He likes traveling around the world and Xiumin mostly lets him.
Innocence is his appearance and nobody would suspect a bad bone in him. Too bad they're wrong.
Baekhyun and Seyoon have a small competition, but let's talk about Baekhyun first.
Baekhyun is a thief. He likes action and stuff happening and if he's without his gun it's all just wrong. That's why he has found solitude in robberies and shoplifting, stealing mostly in broad daylight where the chance of getting caught is high.
But Baekhyun is also like a magician and even if he is caught, there's no way to find the stolen goods on him. He cannot be spotted on cameras and he's like a chameleon as he blends in with people. He's absolutely sneaky and he's so observant.
Baekhyun always knows the trends, come to Baekhyun for anything and he will know. The most social of them all (although followed closely by Jongdae) Baekhyun loves to be where people are.
He also pickpockets and he's good at it. Refined pickpocketing with a dash of excitement is his specialty along with the shoplifting and the robberies.
It isn't uncommon that he shoplifts something none of the other members of the gang don't think they need such as expensive wine, Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses.
Seyoon is also a thief, but she has specialised in much more refined theft.
Her specialty is racketeering and her patience and persistence is what lets her get away with it. She plays on fear and often convinces her victims they need the protection she offers, even if the danger is completely fictional. She enjoys the smooth lie that slips through her lips and the fear she can instill in people, only to collect hard cash in her hands.
She loves watching her bank account grow with deposits and her lips are usually curled into a small smile. She's cocky as fuck and considers her work the most important for the gang. Where would they be without her really.
She also does pickpocketing because she cannot let Baekhyun have all the fun.
While she isn't as extroverted and social as he, she has the benefit of her good looks and men are so easy to pickpocket when they're drunk. Her playing field is clubs and bars and she rarely sets foot in a shopping mall.
At the end of the day, she and Baekhyun always counts who got most money from their pickpocketing and while Baekhyun often wins, Seyoon still considers herself a more successful thief. After all, she does the refined theft.
I'm not even sure this gang could work in the real world, but they're important and soft and even though they don't necessarily do all the dirty work with extreme violence and such they still have enough money and most certainly enough power to secretly run the government.
That said, they're usually also hidden from other gangs because of their little street-action and involvement with the rest of them.
Minseok is fine. Jongdae is a past chapter of his life and he is absolutely fine.
He looks around in the park and then notices the large elm tree. Jongdae loves elm trees. He finds them majestic. Minseok shakes his head. No. He’s fine. It’s over. He doesn’t think of Jongdae anymore.
He hurries past the tree and forces himself to look at the river. There are a couple holding hands while the girl is balancing on the steps of the stairs. They used to do that when they were in college and in love.
Minseok scolds himself once again and hurries past the loving couple. He stares at the gravel but the smell of newly cut grass and his pollen allergy reminds him of Jongdae and it’s making his heart ache so bad.
He wants to be okay, has fooled himself into believing that he is more than okay but everywhere around him is Jongdae and Minseok wants to sit down and cry again. He’s a grown-up, he scolds himself. He’s not a teenager anymore, this really shouldn’t be a big deal.
But it is and it hurts so much to know that he’s no longer in a relationship. That somewhere along the way Jongdae fell out of love. What hurts the most, however, is not having seen it coming.
Minseok should have seen it coming. He should have noticed the signs. Minseo’s old teenage magazines would have been able to tell him that this wasn’t meant to be. Yet his heart still aches and screams and begs for Jongdae to return to him, for this to be a bad dream.
But it isn’t. Minseok kicks a stone but the sound of the stone rolling over the path and onto the bicycle road, has memories of Jongdae’s laughter surface. Everything is horrible.
Minseok is not fine.
~~~
“Byun Events, Byun Baekhyun speaking,” Baekhyun says when he picks up the phone. He grabs his notepad and a pencil when the person on the other end requests the planning of a baby shower. He asks the obligatory questions before he asks if they can arrange an appointment and discuss the details.
Baekhyun has been burying himself in work ever since Taeyeon told him he had been drunk and cried for Chanyeol. Baekhyun wants to deny that he’s affected by their break-up but he knows that Taeyeon and Jiyong see right through him.
That doesn’t stop him from at least trying to fool himself, however. His parents have picked up his stuff from Chanyeol’s apartment. Baekhyun didn’t actually go with them, he doesn’t want to look at Chanyeol. He doesn’t want anything to do with the other man if he can get away with it.
His reaction to the break-up scares him and it’s better drowned in events. It helps that it’s wedding season.
~~~
Kyungsoo sighs as he stands outside the large office building. He doesn’t know why he was chosen to arrange the baby shower for Sohyun but it’s a happy distraction from Jongin.
Kyungsoo worries about him. He hasn’t been able to get in contact with him at all ever since they broke up and while it should be understandable, it still worries him unnecessarily. Kyungsoo would rather just forget Jongin, but it seems impossible.
With a last deep breath he steps inside the office and looks around. There’s a large desk and behind it sits a man with red hair. Kyungsoo squints a little before he lets it go. The man looks up and sends him a dazzling smile.
“Mr. Do?” he asks and Kyungsoo nods. “Ah, yes. Hang on, I’ll be with you right away!”
He turns back to his computer for a minute. Kyungsoo counts the art on the wall and is startled out of his stance when he hears the man talk to him again. He’s led into a smaller office and then the man reaches out a hand.
“I’m Byun Baekhyun, I’m looking forward to working with you.”
~~~
Chanyeol should feel bad. He should feel awful. His apartment is half-empty without Baekhyun’s things and his heart is still broken, but he doesn’t feel bad at all. It’s not right.
He laughs at the joke Jongdae cracks beside him and takes a sip of his beer. When it became habitual for them to go out on Fridays after work if none of them has a weekend shift, he doesn’t know. But Chanyeol enjoys the break from the grave reminder that he is now single after a 5-year long relationship.
“You should have seen his face,” Jongdae says and takes another sip of his beer. The smaller man is slightly tipsy but Chanyeol doesn’t mind.
He’s talkative, even more so when tipsy, but his stories are interesting and mundane at the same time. He doesn’t talk about work or requires anything of Chanyeol. He helps him when his gestures become a little too energetic and Chanyeol feels comfortable in his company.
Chanyeol should feel horrible with his break-up but when he’s with Jongdae he’s able to forget, just a little bit.
~~~
“This is Kim Minseok, our new HR manager,” the director says and Minseok reaches out to shake the hands of the employees. He has gotten so many new informations, his head feels like it’s bursting but he’s looking forward to start work. Maybe it can take his mind off of things.
He sends them a smile and turns back to the director when he is given more information. It’s going to be great when he starts working for real again. Maybe that will make it easier to forget everything that has happened in the past weeks.
~~~
Jongin smiles as he helps Hyein on the swing and pushes her lightly. She laughs and shouts for him to push her higher. Taemin observes them silently with Jungwoo in the pram next to him.
Being with Taemin’s family helps take his mind off of his own failure in his past relationship. It works wonders, if he has to be honest. With Hyein he is the weird uncle, the one that is both scary and familiar.
Taemin is his best friend and they’ve known each other since they were kids. It’s comfortable in a way that makes Jongin feel accepted as a person, as a whole.
When Hyein doesn’t want to swing anymore, Jongin helps her off the swing and lets her run off towards the sand box. Taemin just observes her to make sure nothing happens.
“We got a new HR manager,” Jongin says when he sits down next to Taemin.
“Huh?” Taemin answers and then hurries off the bench he’s sitting on when Hyein stumbles and starts wailing.
Jongin is a little impressed with how being a father has changed his best friend, but he hasn’t told Taemin that. He knows Taemin won’t be flattered. Still, it’s a wonderful change that has happened. He wishes it would be him. He had always thought of him and Kyungsoo with two of their owns.
At the thought of Kyungsoo his mood falls. No. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He looks down at Jungwoo in the pram but it doesn’t make it any better and Jongin can almost feel the tears form in his eyes. Goddammit.
Taemin returns after a minute. Hyein is sitting in the sand box, building what Jongin guesses is supposed to be a sand castle.
“New HR manager, huh?” Taemin says when he sits down again and automatically starts rocking the pram a little. Jongin nods.
“Yeah… I don’t know if he can be as good as the former, though. Junsu was amazing, shame he had to move to Mokpo.”
Taemin nods a little.
“Yeah. So how are you really doing? Don’t say all is fine, I know you.”
Jongin sighs.
“I’m holding up, I guess. It’s easier when I’m with you guys, it makes it less lonely and there’s less time to think about …” Jongin chokes up at the thought of Kyungsoo. “Yeah, you know. It’s easier when I’m busy with you guys…”
Taemin nods a little again and sends him a smile.
“You know you’re always welcome if you need it. We appreciate your help.”
Jongin just bites his lower lip so he doesn’t start crying right there in the park in front of his best friend.
~~~
Baekhyun is looking through fabric samples to make bows of when the door to his office opens and he looks up to get eye contact with Kyungsoo. He smiles kindly and puts the two fabric samples away so he can direct his full attention to the other man.
“Is everything okay?” Kyungsoo asks before Baekhyun gets to say a way.
“Yes, I would say so.”
Kyungsoo smiles back. It looks soft on him. When he smiles, he doesn’t look like a busy pilot, but Baekhyun knows his occupation.
Kyungsoo hasn’t said a lot about himself during their meetings but Baekhyun has managed to get a little out of Kyungsoo, mainly because the woman they’re planning a baby shower for is a stewardess and it would be cute if there were a small theme of airplanes and skies as well.
“Do you like the yellow airplanes or the blue sky better?” Baekhyun suddenly asks and holds up the two fabric samples. Kyungsoo tilts his head and Baekhyun bites his tongue before he blurts out something stupid he shouldn’t be saying because it’s only been a month since he broke up with Chanyeol.
“The yellow one. It’s more genderneutral, don’t you think?” Kyungsoo says and Baekhyun just automatically agrees. Whatever the customer wants. “Ah, but I was just checking in to see how things went. You’ll be done in two weeks, right?”
Baekhyun nods.
“Absolutely. Trust me, it’ll be a baby shower she’ll never forget.”
Kyungsoo smiles again, one of those soft smiles that Baekhyun shouldn’t notice, but does anyway.
~~~
This is not good, Jongdae reasons. Chanyeol is a nice companion, maybe a little too nice. He listens and responds whenever Jongdae talks and he doesn’t seem bothered by Jongdae’s rants. His smile is nice and warm and he makes Jongdae feel comfortable and safe.
This is just not good, but maybe he is getting a little too comfortable with Chanyeol.
He still thinks of Minseok occasionally but the guilt of breaking up has long since translated into relief and while he feels bad because of how happy he has become after their break-up he doesn’t really want to force himself to feel bad either.
His friends think it’s weird. Break-ups are supposed to be sad and they’re supposed to hurt for months, but Jongdae isn’t hurting.
No, Jongdae feels great – even if he shouldn’t.
~~~
“How’s your apartment?” Minseo asks and Minseok frowns.
“It’s … fine?”
He doesn’t understand her question and he understands it less when she chuckles.
“Oh, so you didn’t fall into fast food and no cleaning when you …” Then she stops and looks at him guiltily. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bring it up. Is it getting any better?”
Minseok scoffs and takes a sip of his coffee and burns his upper lips. He yelps and almost spills the coffee when he removes the cup from his lips.
“I’m fine. Really. I’m over him.”
Minseo doesn’t say anything but Minseok knows she thinks it. That he can’t be fine when it has been so few weeks and maybe he isn’t really fine but he didn’t invite his sister out for a cup of coffee to discuss his break-up with Jongdae and he’d rather they don’t talk about it at all. He knows she understands because she doesn’t bring it up more throughout their coffee date.
When they part, she hugs him tightly and pats his back twice and Minseok almost chokes up. He manages to hold it in, however, and only lets a tear roll down his cheek when he watches her back disappear into the subway train.
He really needs to get over Jongdae and he needs to get over him fast.
~~~
Maybe Kyungsoo isn’t completely ready for this. Woobin nudges his side and gives him a thumbs up and a smile. He looks like he’s about to say something but they get interrupted by Woobin’s daughter who wants to borrow his phone. Kyungsoo looks around and notices the smiles on his co-worker’s lips.
Majority of them have brought their partners and children along and while Kyungsoo never really wanted kids and he’s used to being the only homosexual in his social circle, his sudden singlehood feels a lot more pressing now.
He hasn’t told more than a few of his co-worker that he and Jongin has broken up and it pains him to hear the question “How is Jongin?” from those of his co-workers that know he has a boyfriend… or well, who knows he used to have a boyfriend.
So far Joongki has done his best to distract people from asking too many questions and Kyungsoo appreciates the gesture. It just shouldn’t be necessary.
He should have been able to tell people that they broke it off, that they’re no longer a couple, that he is once again single in their group of tight-knit colleagues, but Kyungsoo can’t say it and the longer he stays, the more he is reminded of what he would have had, had he not broken up with Jongin.
~~~
This is wrong. Chanyeol stares at the papers in his hand and frowns. He doesn’t get it. The numbers don’t make any sense and it most definitely doesn’t match what’s in the box in front of him.
“2x Adrenaline,” he reads off of the sheet and finds 5 medical ampoules that are all labelled Adrenaline SAD. He continues his hunt through their cardiac arrest box. There is too little saline in the box and only one ampoule of amiodarone. He counts at least 7 23G needles and only 2 18g needles.
Chanyeol is getting increasingly annoyed with his co-worker. It makes no sense that their cardiac arrest box is in such a disarray should they need it. He doesn’t want to scold the other man, however, because he’s too tired to cause arguments.
Instead he makes sure to count and recount a million times so he’s sure that he at least knows what’s missing and what’s there.
This isn’t really Chanyeol’s job. An EMT would have been able to do this as well, but considering the mistakes Chanyeol isn’t sure he trusts the EMT’s to do this.
It doesn’t really matter whether he trusts them or not, however, because the reason he’s here isn’t to actually keep track of the cardiac arrest box, it’s to get his mind under control.
He has been meeting up with Jongdae for the past three months and it starting to feel wrong. He may have started growing fond of the other man and he really shouldn’t be. He knows that Jongdae isn’t straight because Jongdae had a boyfriend but they haven’t spoken about private matters like that.
It also feels like he’s cheating on Baekhyun, despite them no longer being together. It’s not really right to start feeling new fond feelings. He should still be heartbroken. Chanyeol needs to get his mind under control.
~~~
“Hey, I’m looking for Jeon Haerim,” a man says behind him and Jongin looks up from his computer and blinks behind his frames. The man is short, dressed in a shirt and a pair of nicely pressed pants. He looks good. Jongin surprises himself with that thought and shakes his head shortly.
“Ah, yes, over there,” he says and points down the hallway. The man nods a little and then tilts his head.
“I don’t think I’ve met you, have I?”
Jongin contemplates saying yes for a short second and just letting the stranger pass by so he doesn’t have to deal with thoughts he doesn’t want to deal with and so he can return to the code he’s writing right now so he doesn’t forget it. Instead he shakes his head.
“No, I don’t think so. Kim Jongin,” he says and reaches out his hand. The other man shakes his hand and smiles. It looks cute. No. No, it doesn’t. Jongin isn’t looking for cute anyway.
“Kim Minseok. I’m the new HR manager.”
Jongin nods a little in recognition.
“Ah, yes. Anyway, Haerim is down there if you need her,” he says and points down the hallway again when he lets go of Minseok’s hand. Minseok sends him a kind smile and then leaves him. Jongin returns to his computer screen and shakes his head slightly. He needs to focus.
~~~
Baekhyun stretches his hands over his head and leans back in his chair. Then the front door opens and he hurries to sit up straight and look professional. The short man that enters the office has Baekhyun raising an eyebrow, however.
“Kyungsoo?” he says and Kyungsoo turns around to look at him startled.
“Oh,” he says and Baekhyun tilts his head in a question. Kyungsoo doesn’t elaborate, however. It makes Baekhyun nervous.
There is no doubt that Kyungsoo is a good-looking man, but Baekhyun is still kind of fresh out of a relationship and while he doesn’t really miss Chanyeol, he can’t go around drooling over good-looking men.
Taeyeon would judge him far too much and he really doesn’t want to hear that he’s looking for a rebound because if there is one thing Baekhyun is not looking for it’s a rebound. He wouldn’t be able to deal with another Chanyeol. Baekhyun is smarter now.
“What can I do for you?” he asks when Kyungsoo has kept silent for too many seconds. Kyungsoo just sighs a little.
“This is going to sound stupid, but apparently my co-workers liked the baby shower so much, they decided to let me plan the yearly summer party and you know me, I suck at planning. So here I am, hoping that you can help me with this even if it’s as informal as something can be.”
Kyungsoo sends him one of those smiles again and Baekhyun bites his cheek to keep himself from smiling as well.
“Of course. No problem. Do you want to discuss it now?”
~~~
Jongdae leans back against the couch and closes his eyes. The TV is showing a drama he hasn’t been following. There is drama going on but it’s a nice change from his own mundane life and it helps to listen to other’s drama instead of his own.
When he opens his eyes a minute later and turns his head towards the TV an elderly woman slaps a bunch of money on a table and the young woman, presumably the leading woman, gets up from her chair and refuses to leave her love for money. It only results in the elderly lady threatening her.
Jongdae sighs a little. Maybe dramas are a little too dramatic to his liking. He turns off the TV and grabs his phone instead, noticing a missed call from Sanghyuk.
“Hey,” Sanghyuk says and it sounds like he’s balancing something before he plops down on a chair in a more quiet room. “I was wondering how you’re holding up on the single life?”
Jongdae sighs a little.
“Uhm, well about that…” he says and gets interrupted by Sanghyuk.
“No way!”
Jongdae frowns a little.
“What’s that supposed to mean? I didn’t get a new boyfriend or anything if that’s what you’re implying.”
Sanghyuk chuckles a little.
“But you met someone, didn’t you?”
Jongdae quiets down. Did he? Is Chanyeol really worth all the thoughts he’s spending on him? Yes, he is. That Jongdae is sure of. He doesn’t want to admit that to Sanghyuk, however, so he dodges the question and asks to Yuna instead.
~~~
Minseok laughs and clings to Sungmin, who shakes his head. Minseok feels great. He feels absolutely wonderful and downing the two bottles of soju along with a few strong liquor shots have made everything so easy.
It’s easy to forget Jongdae, it’s easy to flirt, it’s easy to be single. All the hardships has disappeared.
Yes, it must be annoying for Sungmin who has joined him, but Minseok doesn’t really want to think about that. That will only mean guilt and Minseok really doesn’t want to feel guilty. Not right now. Not when he’s finally free.
He’s finally allowed to be single and be him. He doesn’t have to listen to Jongdae’s rants, he doesn’t have to talk more than necessary. He doesn’t even have to share his shampoo. It’s great.
Well, it’s great until he flirts a little too much with another man and almost gets into a fight. Then he gets nauseous and has to stop in the middle of the street to gain his composure.
Sungmin looks at him worriedly but Minseok waves the concern away. He’s 30, he can handle being drunk. Because denying that he’s drunk would be pretty pointless.
The nausea doesn’t let up, however and when he vomits into the toilet in Sungmin’s house, he suddenly wishes he wasn’t single anymore. Being single is difficult. Being in a relationship is much easier, much safer. Minseok hates Jongdae for bringing him misery like this.
~~~
Kyungsoo has the most beautiful laugh, Baekhyun decides as they sit in the café opposite each other. They are technically supposed to talk about the summer party but the conversation has long since drifted into private matters and while Baekhyun knows a little about Kyungsoo such as his work, this is a whole new level of knowledge and Baekhyun finds that he likes it.
Kyungsoo is interesting. He’s fast-paced like Baekhyun, loves to get things done the right way, a little perfectionistic, highly logical.
He also has the most adorable smile that Baekhyun shouldn’t keep fancying but the more he sees it, the more he realizes that Kyungsoo not only is interesting as a person but also a very handsome man.
Baekhyun shouldn’t be falling in love so shortly after his break-up with Chanyeol, not really. But Kyungsoo is everything Chanyeol isn’t and Baekhyun can’t help but feel attracted to him.
~~~
“What does this mean?” Jongdae asks and Chanyeol tilts his head.
“What does what mean?” he asks and takes a sip of his beer. Jongdae points between them with a finger.
“The two of us meeting up like this every Friday to get a beer. It’s been months.”
Chanyeol doesn’t understand.
“What?” he asks confused. It means they’re friends, doesn’t it? Chanyeol considers Jongdae a friend. Maybe he considers Jongdae a small crush but he is definitely not going to admit that out loud and definitely not to Jongdae.
They’re friends and Chanyeol isn’t going to lose whatever it is between them by admitting he find Jongdae attractive.
“Okay, so I’m drunk right now, so please forgive me, but I’ve been thinking. You know, I think it was fate when we met in the cafeteria that time months ago, don’t you think so?” Jongdae says. Chanyeol laughs.
“What are you on about?” he asks and Jongdae sighs exasperated.
“Nevermind,” he says and waves a hand in front of his face to wave the conversation away. Chanyeol isn’t going to let it go that easily, however.
“No, Jongdae. What do you mean?”
Jongdae shakes his head and Chanyeol wants to grab his shoulders and shake him. So he does.
It’s intuitive and sudden and everything he doesn’t expect when Jongdae leans forward and places his lips on Chanyeol’s. The kiss is short, can barely be called a kiss but Chanyeol still knows that their lips touched. They definitely touched.
It stirs butterflies in his stomach. Is he even allowed to be in love so early after a break-up? Is Jongdae even in love with him? This doesn’t make any sense. No. This shouldn’t be happening.
“What?” Chanyeol asks dumbfounded. Jongdae smiles a small shy smile. Chanyeol likes that smile. Wait, he shouldn’t think like that.
“Maybe I have a teeny-tiny crush on you and I know it’s hella wrong so forget this, forget this conversation. You’re a great friend Chanyeol, let’s keep it that way, okay? Forget this shit. I’m drunk. I didn’t mean to do that. It was because you shook me! I can’t control myself, you know. Shitty coordination when I’m drunk, ha ha ha.”
Chanyeol just looks at him and then smiles fondly.
~~~
If anyone had told Kyungsoo that he would feel attracted to Baekhyun when he was 18, he would have laughed out loud. At the same time, if anyone had told Kyungsoo he would be a pilot when he was 15 he would have laughed out loud as well. So maybe that isn’t a good measure.
Unexpected things happen but falling for Baekhyun was definitely not in his plans.
Still, here he is, sitting in front of Baekhyun and laughing while he drinks his cup of coffee. It’s the fifth time they’re meeting up at cafés and they should be discussing the summer party, but they’re not. It feels like a casual outing, maybe even a casual date, but Kyungsoo doesn’t allow himself to entertain that thought.
Baekhyun understands his humor in a way that is refreshing. He understands the lack of verbalisation and talks enough for two anyway. He doesn’t complain about Kyungsoo being busy because he is busy himself. He is kind and genuine in everything he does.
Kyungsoo has a hard time believing Baekhyun embodies what he needs, but the more time he spends with the other, the more obvious it becomes. And it’s painfully obvious now.
~~~
Jongin sighs a little as he walks down the street. Being single hasn’t made him less lonely. In fact, it has probably made him more isolated. He doesn’t spend time with Taemin and Gwiboon any more, everyday life goes on and he can’t keep hanging around and being a burden so he has withdrawn.
That, of course, means that he doesn’t get out as much as he used to and he only really sees the sky when he travels to and from work. Definitely not ideal, but easy.
Jongin doesn’t mind the self-pity. It helps him a little.
He passes business men and women and school children in their uniforms. An elderly man walks passed him while smoking and Jongin frowns a little. He takes a look around and spots a small café. Maybe it’s on time he starts being a little social again.
He takes a quick decision and enters the café, only to be met with a sight he’d rather be without. Kyungsoo sits opposite a man, a cup of something in front of both of them. They’re laughing and smiling and Jongin feels his heart drop into his stomach.
Of course. He is a fool for thinking Kyungsoo cared enough about him to suffer in the same misery as Jongin. Kyungsoo would have moved on quickly. It was Jongin’s fault after all.
He can’t tear his eyes away, however. He just stands there, in front of the door way, making it difficult to enter and exit the café and stares at his ex-boyfriend laughing with another man.
It isn’t until Kyungsoo turns his head and widens his eyes at the sight of Jongin, that Jongin is able to turn around and leave the café.
~~~
“What about you, Minseok? Do you any kids?” Sikyung asks and Minseok shakes his head a little.
“Ah, no, I don’t.”
Junghwa smiles a little.
“Your wife must be quite young,” she says and Minseok blinks in succession at the mention of a partner he doesn’t have. Then he shakes his head.
“No, I’m not married either.”
The more they prod, the more bitter he feels. He thought he was over it, but he still doesn’t like being single and the assumption that he has wife and children only makes it so much worse.
Minseok knows his co-workers aren’t trying to be rude and that they’re not saying it to harm him. Really, Minseok should be better than to be hurt over this but he’s just not that strong and he’s definitely that petty.
In the end, he just admits that he’s single. He doesn’t tell them more, however. His mood isn’t as good as it was before he went to lunch.
~~~
Jongdae looks at Chanyeol. Chanyeol looks at Jongdae.
“Are we really doing this?” Jongdae asks. His heart is beating fast in his chest and man, if he wished it wouldn’t. But it does and it’s because this question is something he hadn’t imagined when he met Chanyeol. Chanyeol nods a little.
“I mean, if you want to. It’s just a date.”
It’s just a date. Except it’s not just a date. It’s the first date after Jongdae broke it off with Minseok and he’s nervous.
It’s not just as date because this is the first date with Chanyeol, a man that Jongdae has become fond of. A man that seems to fit where Jongdae lacks.
Chanyeol isn’t mysterious like Minseok was it. He isn’t silent and he understands Jongdae.
Jongdae really doesn’t want to mess this up. But this is supposed to be casual. It’s been 7 months, 5 of them as singles. It should be okay to go out again, to start dating again. This isn’t rebound, not anymore. Jongdae doesn’t want Minseok back. All he wants is Chanyeol.
“I want to.”
Chanyeol lights up in a smile that almost blinds Jongdae. It’s perfect.
~~~
This was a stupid decision. Kyungsoo shouldn’t have invited Baekhyun to the annual summer party. His co-workers are nice, they don’t prod about their relationship and Baekhyun mingles well.
Kyungsoo isn’t forced to stay at his side like he was with Jongin and Baekhyun doesn’t cause him any embarrassment or makes him uncomfortable. Baekhyun fits right in.
And that’s the problem, because it only makes it so much easier for Kyungsoo to see why he needs Baekhyun in his life. It only serves to give him another reason to keep crushing on him.
Kyungsoo empties his glass of beer and tunes in on a conversation between Hyungsoo and Woobin. Hyungsoo turns to Kyungsoo when he notices him and sends him a smile.
“Your new boyfriend is nice,” he says and Kyungsoo blinks. Wait, what?
“What?”
Woobin nods and agrees with Hyungsoo. Kyungsoo doesn’t really get it. His heart is beating fast and he turns around to look towards Baekhyun. He can feel a small blush creep onto his cheeks. No, this crush should be kept platonic.
~~~
Minsoek wants to choke someone. More specifically, he wants to choke Jongdae. They haven’t kept each other as friends on Facebook but Minseok thought he was ready to see what he was up to. He thought he was over the other man.
But there on his Facebook feed is a small heart and two pictures, one of Jongdae and the other of a man he has never met. Underneath the heart is the text is in a relationship with Park Chanyeol.
Minseok really wasn’t ready for this.
“Fuck,” he says the minute someone enters his office and utters his name. Minseok turns around in his chair and looks at the young software technician.
“Hey,” Minseok says and tries to stay calm. It doesn’t work.
“Are you okay?” the young technician asks and Minseok deflates.
“Love is hard, isn’t it?” Minseok scoffs. “I’m sorry, let’s not talk about private matters. What brings you here?”
To his surprise, the man, Jongin, Minseok remembers, enters the office entirely and closes the door behind him before he flops into a chair.
“Tell me about it. I caught my ex-boyfriend on a new date. I guess love isn’t for me.”
Minseok nods a little.
“My ex-boyfriend just got in a new relationship and I’m still jealous. So much for being grown-up about this.”
Jongin laughs and Minseok smiles. It works to lift the atmosphere just a little and while Minseok never in his wildest fantasy had imagined that trash-talking Jongdae with his co-workers would be a good way to get over the other man, it’s oddly refreshing to talk to Jongin.
~~~
Baekhyun is running through the airport. Terminals are not supposed to be so far away from each other. It’s frustrating to put it mildly and Baekhyun is late. Very late.
He’s panting, his bag bouncing against his hip but he continues his way towards the terminal, other passengers jumping away to give space for the running man.
When he finally reaches the gate, he’s the last person to board. Sohyun looks at him with a smile and wishes him a pleasant flight and Baekhyun nods a little.
He recognizes the crew and while he finds his seat, he can’t help but wonder if Kyungsoo is flying the airplane. It would be a coincidence if he was.
When the seat belt signs turn off and the crew start their walk down the aisles Baekhyun has finally caught his breath. He recognizes Hyungsoo and sends him a smile.
“Hey, can I ask a question,” he asks when he’s handed the cup of orange juice he has asked for. Hyungsoo nods.
“Sure,” he says and Baekhyun smiles a little.
“Is Kyungsoo flying?”
He can see the mischievous glint in Hyungsoo’s eyes but he gets his yes anyway. It has butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. For some reason, Baekhyun hopes he gets a sight of him in the airport.
~~~
“No way,” Minseok says and Jongin nods firmly.
“Yes. Can you believe that?” he asks and feels comforted by Minseok’s shake of his head.
“Who doesn’t tell their lover they love them or miss them when they’re overseas, that’s absurd.”
Jongin laughs a little and takes a sip of his glass of water.
“Yes, that’s what I tried to tell him, but I guess he didn’t love me enough to tell me.”
“Grotesque,” Minseok says and Jongin smiles.
~~~
Chanyeol tilts his head and then turns the piece of wood in his hand. Jongdae sits on the arm chair and flips in the manual.
“Come on, you have to help me out here,” Chanyeol says and Jongdae looks up from the papers.
“I can’t even figure out what is up and down,” he says and Chanyeol rolls his eyes.
“How did you become a dentist?”
Jongdae laughs.
“Teeth are easy. You can see one part and the other is hidden. No chance of flipping them over or putting them in the wrong order. Which reminds me, you don’t have any dental floss.”
Chanyeol turns around to look at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he asks and Jongdae starts laughing.
“C’mere,” he says and Chanyeol easily abandons the IKEA-dresser in favour of kissing Jongdae.
~~~
“That’s absurd,” Jongin says and Minseok nods.
“I know, but that’s what he said. I talk too little.”
“I can’t imagine that.”
Minseok laughs.
~~~
Kyungsoo needs to stop doubting himself. There is no doubt really, he’s in love with Baekhyun and stalling isn’t making his love any less. He might as well just get it over with.
If this doesn’t work out, if he read the signs wrong, then he’ll take a break from love and just focus on flying around the world. But he can’t give up now. Not when it’s this close and all the signs point towards mutual feelings.
He has planned it all. He’s going to ask Baekhyun on a casual date. He doesn’t want to overdo it. He even went as far as asking Joongki on how to do it best, but the other man hadn’t been of much help.
All of it is shot down, however, when he notices Baekhyun in passport control, looking like he waits for someone.
Mirae pats his shoulder as she passes but Kyungsoo can’t take his eyes off of the man with the red hair in the middle of tourists and locals.
When Baekhyun recognizes him, however, he waves and Kyungsoo sends him a small wave back.
He laughs a little while Baekhyun walks in the opposite direction of everyone before he stands in front of Kyungsoo.
“This is a little awkward,” Baekhyun says. “But I thought I should wait for you. I’m not that busy.”
Kyungsoo smiles.
“We should have airport dates more often,” he says and only then realizes what he’s said.
“So this is date?” Baekhyun asks. Kyungsoo takes a deep breath.
“If you want it to be?”
“Do you want it to be?”
“Yes.”
The smile that spreads on Baekhyun’s face is enough to light up Kyungsoo’s entire world.
~~~
“I love dogs!” Jongin says. “Kyungsoo didn’t like dogs, however, so – no dogs. I’d love to get one, however.”
Minseok smiles over his cup of hot chocolate.
“Dogs are wonderful! Cats are awful, though. My sister had a cat once and it hated me. Satan’s spawn, I swear to God.”
Jongin starts laughing.
He had never believed that he would spend evenings in Minseok’s office, drinking hot chocolate after work and laughing. Jongin hasn’t laughed as much as he has done in the past month and it’s all because of Minseok. Taemin and Gwiboon even commented on the change.
Jongin knows that it shouldn’t really justify falling in love with the man, but he has never met a man that seems to understand him so well. They are like two puzzle pieces that fit together effortlessly.
“If I tell you I might have fallen in love with you, what would you say?” Jongin asks after a silent moment in their conversation.
Minseok closes his eyes and Jongin’s heart beats awfully fast in his chest at the chance of rejection.
Then Minseok breaks into a smile.
“Do you want to go on a date with me?”
~~~
“Kyungsoo!” Baekhyun calls and fumbles with his hair in the hall mirror. Kyungsoo stands beside him 30 seconds later.
“There,” he says and reaches up to pat a stray strand of hair in place. Baekhyun turns around and smiles.
They’re on their way to a Christmas party with Kyungsoo’s co-workers but they have plenty of time. There’s no running late, no unwanted attention. Baekhyun places a kiss on Kyungsoo’s cheek as a thank you and Kyungsoo just shakes his head fondly.
“Let’s go,” Kyungsoo says and grabs his jacket so he can get dressed. Baekhyun gets dressed as well and as they step outside, snow starts falling.
Baekhyun snorts when Kyungsoo mumbles something about clichés and then locks the front door to their small house.
“You know,” Baekhyun says as he gets into the car and pulls off his gloves. Kyungsoo turns to look at him.
“Hm?” he asks and Baekhyun just leans over the gear switch to press a kiss to Kyungsoo’s lips.
“Let’s go. We don’t want to get there late, Sohyun is going to eat all the cake.”
Kyungsoo laughs and presses another kiss to Baekhyun’s lips before he turns towards the road.
~~~
Jongdae looks over his shoulder and smiles. Chanyeol is sleeping on the couch and Jongdae places his cross word in his lap as he observes his sleeping boyfriend. The wall clock is the only thing making a sound but it’s soft and homely.
The atmosphere is warm and Jongdae decides to get up from the chair. He leaves the magazine on the chair and gently places himself next to Chanyeol on the couch.
It wakes up the taller man and he raises a questioning eyebrow.
“Sleep,” Jongdae whispers and presses a kiss to Chanyeol’s cheek. He snuggles close to his chest and listens to Chanyeol’s heartbeat.
Chanyeol falls into slumber again with Jongdae pressed against his chest. The warmth is slow and relaxing but it’s everything Jongdae could have ever wished for.
~~~
In an apartment in Jongam-dong is Jongin waking up from his afternoon nap. A small bark sounds throughout the apartment and then the front door opens.
Jongin yawns sleepily and stretches his arms above his head before he reaches out towards his glasses. Minseok greets the puppy before he enters the living room and sends Jongin a smile.
“You shouldn’t sleep during the day, you won’t be able to fall asleep in the evening,” Minseok says and Jongin gets up from the couch to wrap his arms around his boyfriend.
“If you sleep next to me, I’ll always be able to sleep.”
Minseok laughs a little at that.
“I love you,” he says and Jongin beams.
“I love you too.”
Minseok just nods and pats Jongin’s chest before he pulls out of the embrace. Jongin pouts a little at the loss of contact. The puppy barks at them and they both turn to look at it before they look at each other.
“I love you more,” Minseok says with a glint in his eyes.
“I love you most,” Jongin counters and chuckles.
“I love you more than most. I win,” Minseok says before he runs into the kitchen, Jongin hot on his heels.
They end up in the kitchen, Jongin leaning on Minseok’s back while Minseok fixes food for the puppy. Jongin couldn’t be happier.
Jongdae looks over his shoulder and sighs. Minseok isn’t what he was when they met in college 6 years ago. He’s still very handsome but he’s no longer what Jongdae desires. Jongdae turns back around and continues his crossword.
When they met in college Minseok had been the mysterious friend in Jongdae’s group. Minseok had been silent and kept to himself and that had only drawn Jongdae closer. It had been a game between them and Jongdae had enjoyed the fight.
Minseok had been everything he wanted and more – but he isn’t anymore.
It’s not that Minseok is a bad boyfriend in any way. He provides for them and complains little. Jongdae on the other hand complains a lot and it bothers him that the only answer he usually receives is an agreeing hum.
He can’t find it in himself to break up with the older man, however. Jongdae is way too dependent on Minseok and he keeps believing there are ways to fix it, ways to talk it out and ways to start over again.
Except every night he lies awake while Minseok sleeps next to him and hopes he’ll soon be out because he can’t talk to Minseok.
They’ve grown apart and the longer it takes him to remove the bandaid and break up, the more will it hurt. He lets his eyes rake over the paper before he returns to the crossword.
~~~
In an apartment in Jongam-dong is Jongin waking up from his afternoon nap when his phone starts ringing. He fumbles with his glasses and finally finds it, only to get disappointed when he hears his boyfriend on the other end. A surge of guilt follows the disappointment.
“Hey,” he says into the phone and tunes out while Kyungsoo tells him about his colleagues. It’s not that Jongin doesn’t care but Kyungsoo says the same every time he’s overseas and Jongin knows he won’t be missing what he wants to hear the most. Because no matter how often Kyungsoo is away, he never tells him that he misses him. Jongin doesn’t really doubt Kyungsoo’s love for him but it’s shadowed by feelings of loneliness.
They haven’t spoken in a long time. Jongin finds it hard to tell Kyungsoo that he feels lonely because Kyungsoo won’t understand. Kyungsoo doesn’t have a large group of friends but they’re close and he never needed verbal affection.
Jongin needs verbal affection more than anyone he has ever known. He needs to be told that he’s loved and appreciated and every time he tells Kyungsoo this the other man tilts his head in a question and asks why.
And Kyungsoo won’t ever understand and Jongin doesn’t want to annoy him by requesting things that falls so unnatural to the other man.
Kyungsoo hangs up after an ‘I’m running late, see you later’ and Jongin stares at the phone in his hand.
Jongin appreciates Kyungsoo. He loves him. But the more they’re together, the more do they seem distanced and Jongin doesn’t know what to do to get closer to Kyungsoo again. He puts the phone down, forgets his unhappiness and turns on the TV.
~~~
“Chanyeol for crying out loud,” Baekhyun says and turns around on his heels so he can glare at the taller man. “How long is it going to take?”
He hears noises from the bathroom and sighs frustrated. It’s always like this whenever they’re on their way out and Baekhyun is getting impatient.
It had been a charming thing when they met but the way Chanyeol takes his time with everything is starting to bother Baekhyun now.
They’re always running late because of Chanyeol and Baekhyun hates when he has all eyes on him in a negative light. And right now, they’re on their way to a baby naming ceremony.
“I can’t tie my tie,” Chanyeol mumbles and Baekhyun groans out loud. He doesn’t care that Chanyeol hears it because he’s frustrated.
“Then leave the damn tie,” he says and walks through their apartment so he can burst into the bathroom and remove the tie violently from around Chanyeol’s neck and slam it onto the counter. “I don’t fucking care, come on!”
Baekhyun has to tell Chanyeol to speed and they barely make it to the church, everybody looking at them when they enter seconds before the doors are shut behind them.
Baekhyun does his best to ignore his boyfriend and calm his anger throughout the ceremony and he succeeds – until Chanyeol takes forever with getting to the reception afterwards.
Baekhyun isn’t a man with a lot of patience but he has been waiting for Chanyeol for years.
When he fell in love with Chanyeol 5 years ago he had sworn that he would wait forever but forever is a long time and Baekhyun’s patience has long since run out. Chanyeol apologizes in a hushed whisper and Baekhyun accepts it but they both know it’ll be the same the next time they’re going to another event.
Deep inside Baekhyun knows that they should probably break up, that it doesn’t work out for them and that they’re hurting each other more than anything by keeping up the façade, but Baekhyun loves Chanyeol and he’s a little scared of what’s going to happen when he no longer has Chanyeol, so he swallows the frustration as good as he can and clings on with all he has.
~~~
Kyungsoo yawns as he walks through passport control. His small luggage is following along behind him as he drags it with him with little force. It’s 11.23 pm and he has the next three days off. For some reason, however, he’s not looking forward to getting home.
He feels bad for it but reasons that it’s not his fault. Jongin has been passive-aggressive for the past weeks and Kyungsoo doesn’t know what more to do. Jongin never says what it is he wants and Kyungsoo has tried taking time off to be more home, but that didn’t help.
Now he takes the long flights so he doesn’t have to worry about Jongin. It’s cowardly but it’s easier to pretend everything is fine between them on the phone.
One of the stewardesses passes him and wishes him a good weekend and Kyungsoo nods and wishes her the same.
When he leaves the airport, he goes to find the Airport Railroad Train. The train is relatively empty on a Friday late evening and it means Kyungsoo gets a seat.
He leans back against the windows and closes his eyes while he lets the train transport him towards home. When he first got the job, Jongin had happily travelled back and forth to pick him up from either Incheon or Gimpo, but ever since they moved to Jongam-dong it had been a rarity.
Kyungsoo doesn’t really fault Jongin for not wanting to drive far when he has a job too, but at the same time, it hurts a little sometimes when he has been gone for a few days. Kyungsoo transfers to line 6 at Gongdeok Station and sinks back into another seat.
26 minutes later he exits with his luggage and looks towards the sky. It’s cloudy and chilly and Kyungsoo sighs. It’s not going to be warmer when he comes home.
~~~
Chanyeol isn’t a stranger to the threads his and Baekhyun’s relationship are kept together with. He knows that Baekhyun is constantly on the move, his mind working without relaxing. It used to be charming, the way the other man always had a million projects on the go, but it isn’t anymore.
Chanyeol is tired. He’s tired of seeing death and injuries every day at work. His mind needs to gear down, needs to remove the images of what he’s seeing at times and it results in everything else working in slow-motion. Chanyeol knows it bothers Baekhyun but he doesn’t want to change it. He knows they should talk about it, that he should tell Baekhyun why he needs to slow down and be clumsy and forgetful and lazy but he can’t find the words to say it.
And Chanyeol loves Baekhyun, he really does. The 4 years with Baekhyun has been 4 years Chanyeol appreciates and cherishes. He’s no idiot, however, no matter how many times Baekhyun tells him he is, and he knows that maybe it would be better to break up.
Breaking up is scary, however, and so he decides to carry on, ignore their problems. At least until he can find the words to explain to Baekhyun.
~~~
Minseok loves Jongdae. He sees their differences as a way to grow and he enjoys Jongdae’s rants every afternoon. He knows Jongdae enough to know that the other man is a little annoyed when he doesn’t say much, but Minseok doesn’t know what to say. He tries to come up with things for Jongdae, he tried even harder when they started dating, but by now he has grown comfortable in their routine and he prefers it this way.
He loves it when he knows what’s going to happen. He loves that he’s home at 5 pm every day and can start cooking for when Jongdae returns from his shift at the hospital at 5.30 pm. He loves that they eat together, sometimes in comfortable silence, other times with Jongdae ranting about colleagues.
There’s a certain satisfaction that comes with knowing what happens next and Minseok appreciates the predictability.
He climbs out of the covers and looks back at his sleeping boyfriend. Jongdae has never been a morning person, not like Minseok. Minseok appreciates the sunrise more than the sunset. He slips on his slippers and walks towards the bathroom so he can shower.
The hot water warms up his cold body and he closes his eyes under the stream of water, lets it wash away his thoughts and doubts. When he steps out of the shower, he hears Jongdae’s alarm and Jongdae cursing.
Minseok sends his reflection a smile and then the door opens and a dishevelled Jongdae appears.
~~~
The pager in his pockets beeps in quick succession and he groans internally. It’s not that Jongdae usually minds getting called but he’s in the middle of his lunch break and this beeping means incoming trauma.
It’s rare that he even gets these calls because he’s a dentist and he is never required to be there. The message on the pager readers major head injury, however, and that means that he has to be there to look at the jaw and the teeth should anything require emergency surgery.
His colleagues send him a smile when he gets up from his seat and leaves the coffee room to go down to the E.R.
The trauma team takes over first when the patient arrives and when the paramedics are done with their job they leave. Jongdae tilts his head when he notices the tall man in the paramedic uniform talk to the head nurse.
Then he turns his head towards the patient and immediately knows that he has a lot to do. If all the blood on his face indicates anything, Jongdae is pretty sure he requires surgery.
~~~
“I understand,” Baekhyun says and scribbles the request into his note book. “Yes. Absolutely, it’s not going to be any problem. What day would fit you?” he asks and then finds his calendar. The 25th is circled with red. It’s their 5th anniversary. Baekhyun tunes back to the customer on the phone and listens to their schedule.
When she suggests the 25th Baekhyun takes a look at his calendar before he confirms. He writes the appointment down and hopes that Chanyeol will forgive him.
They never do anything on their anniversary anyway, it’s impossible that Chanyeol has planned anything this year. In fact, it would probably be a miracle if he hasn’t forgotten. Baekhyun doesn’t think it hurts anyone. He hangs up on the phone after he has confirmed a few of her requests.
It’s the first meeting they will have but this is a woman with plans and Baekhyun is going to meet all of them and make her wedding exactly what she wants it to be and more.
This is what Baekhyun does. He plans weddings and other events and makes sure they are dreamlike. He makes them whatever his clients want them to be and Baekhyun is the best in town.
It has taken years for him to get where he is now but now that he is finally on top of the game, only competing with a few others, he is not going to suddenly lose clients because he can’t meet up with them.
He turns to his computer and starts writing down in more detail what has been said in the phone because there is no way he is going to be able to read his own notes in a day or two.
~~~
Jongin sighs and rolls his shoulders. The weekend has been absolutely horrible. The minute Kyungsoo stepped inside the apartment, Jongin longed for him to leave again. It’s easier when he isn’t there. Somehow the loneliness is justified when Kyungsoo is on another continent, but the loneliness doesn’t disappear just because Kyungsoo is home and it makes it a lot harder to deal with.
Jongin turns back to his computer screen. If only he could talk to someone about it. He doesn’t want to talk to Kyungsoo but Jongin has been unable to tell his sister as well and it bothers him a little that it has become such a secret. It shouldn’t be.
Jongin isn’t a horrible person for feeling the way he does. Yes, he feels guilty whenever he sees Kyungsoo and knows that he doesn’t love the other man anymore but it doesn’t make him to a bad man and he knows that his sister would understand. Still he’s unable to tell her that things aren’t going as smooth as he wants them to.
He blinks a little to focus back on his job. Jongin has a habit of day dreaming at times and his boss isn’t particularly satisfied with this.
It’s not that Jongin is bad at what he does, he isn’t. Working with software hadn’t been Jongin’s first dream when he was a child but he’s happy with where he is.
The company is large enough to not suffer much financially but small enough that the employees know each other and it’s the perfect place for Jongin.
~~~
His phone weighs in his hand as he stares at the last conversation he had with Jongdae last. It’s from two days ago and it’s a simple request of picking up some milk on his way home.
They don’t talk a lot these days and while Minseok doesn’t mind the lack of conversation, it does worry him a little. He pockets his phone again without telling Jongdae that he has gotten a job interview. He can tell him over dinner. Minseok isn’t disliked in his work place, but the stress is getting to him and he wants to work somewhere smaller.
He can’t quit, however, because that would mean living solely on Jongdae’s income and Minseok doesn’t want to burden his boyfriend. Instead he has started looking for jobs elsewhere around Seoul.
The first time he brought up his unhappiness with his job, Jongdae had enthusiastically encouraged him to find another job. Now Minseok never hears Jongdae’s opinions on anything. He sighs a little and continues down the street, styrofoam-cup of coffee in hand.
~~~
“What?” Chanyeol asks and Baekhyun looks up from his calendar.
“Do you mind?” he asks but doesn’t sound very concerned with Chanyeol’s opinion.
“I …” Chanyeol looks at Baekhyun for a few seconds while he decides whether or not he minds. “Yes, I mind.”
Only then does Baekhyun look up from his calendar. He raises an eyebrow.
“Really?” he asks and Chanyeol sighs a little.
“Nevermind,” Chanyeol says and watches as Baekhyun shrugs and returns to his calendar. They should be talking about this but Chanyeol is too exhausted. Instead he turns around and wanders into the bedroom.
~~~
Kyungsoo turns to look at Jongin.
“I’ll be back tomorrow. It’s just a quick flight to Beijing,” he says. Kyungsoo doesn’t really know what he expects but it isn’t Jongin turning around with a raised eyebrow.
“I’ll be at Taemin’s tomorrow,” he says. “I promised to babysit the little ones while he and Gwiboon go on a date to celebrate their 5-year anniversary.”
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin and nods a little. He guesses it would have been too much if he had expected Jongin to wait for him at home.
“I’ll call you when I arrive,” Kyungsoo says instead and Jongin just shrugs. Kyungsoo doesn’t want to feel annoyed but he can’t help it. Jongin’s nonchalance and his passive-aggressiveness is starting to get on his nerves and even though he tries to stay calm, he can still feel how he grits his teeth.
Kyungsoo turns around and leaves Jongin in the living room.
~~~
When Jongdae plops down into his seat in the canteen, he notices the tall paramedic that had been there the day he had gotten the trauma call. For reasons Jongdae doesn’t know he gets up from his seat and walks towards the other man.
“Can I sit?” he asks and obviously pulls the man from his thoughts. The other man sends him a wide smile and nods a little.
“Yes,” he says and gestures towards the other chairs. There isn’t anyone around them, people sitting with colleagues at other tables.
Jongdae constantly tries to figure out why he has moved to sit opposite of this stranger, but he comes up short. The only logical reason he finds is that he just wants to get to know new people, that he just wants new friends.
Jongdae doesn’t get out much, not after they moved to Hagye-dong. His friends are busy with their own lives and most of them have moved further away after they got children. Some of his childhood friends still live in Daejeon and it’s too far for Jongdae to casually travel to Daejeon.
Minseok’s friends are boring and Jongdae never really hit it off with them. Jongdae wishes he could fault their move on Minseok, but truth is that they moved to get closer to Jongdae’s work place.
He bites into his sandwich before he sighs audibly in front of the stranger.
“I’m Chanyeol,” the man opposite of Jongdae says after 5 minutes of silence where they have been eating. Jongdae looks up, chews his food and sends Chanyeol a smile.
“Jongdae,” he introduces as well. Maybe this decision wasn’t that stupid.
~~~
Baekhyun knows the look in Chanyeol’s eyes when he gets dressed Saturday morning. He doesn’t say anything as he grabs his bag and slams the door behind him. The sun is shining from a blue sky but Baekhyun isn’t in the mood to good weather. Honestly, it would have been much better if it had been raining.
He shakes his head a little and tries to forget Chanyeol as he walks towards his appointment.
He stands up from his seat when the woman enters. Baekhyun has prepared a pot of tea and he gestures towards it while he tells her she’s welcome to take a cup. She has big dreams and she paints a wedding filled with tulle.
Baekhyun can see the details before him until he asks her about a budget and she’s much lower than her dreams would ever cost.
It takes a lot to discuss the reasonable wedding she can get for her budget and he needs to cross a few things off his list. There’s no way she can afford a menu including oysters and caviar. She isn’t happy with this knowledge, however and it takes a lot of sugar coating and sweet-talking.
In the end, however, she believes in his ability to make it perfect despite the low budget. Baekhyun manages his temples. The incoming headache is not going to be better when he gets home and has to deal with Chanyeol.
~~~
Minseok should have seen it coming. Really, the signs had been there. Their lacking interest, the short conversation, the unimpressed boss. He sighs a little as he stops in the middle of the street. His suit looks flawless and people stare at him like he stands out among the other business people in the district. He runs a hand through his hair.
Minseok wants to scream. It had been the perfect opportunity but there is nothing he can do about it now. He sends a text to Jongdae but the only thing he receives is a Read 12.05 PM.
~~~
Chanyeol stares at the two candles. The red cloth is on the table and the food on the plates untouched. Chanyeol knows he shouldn’t have made a big deal out of it. It’s only their 5th year anniversary, not their wedding day.
Still he feels exhausted that he’s here alone on a day that should be significant to them. He doesn’t know when Baekhyun’s meeting ended and where he is and he hasn’t bothered to text or call him.
He’s staring at the wax making its way down the two candles, two orange spots flashing before his vision every time he pulls it away from the candles.
When the front door opens, Chanyeol removes his gaze from the fire and blinks a couple of times to remove the orange spots. Baekhyun enters the kitchen with a yawn and then stops.
“What?” he asks and Chanyeol smiles a bitter smile.
“I’m celebrating my 5th anniversary with my boyfriend. Oh right, he’s not here. Because he doesn’t care.”
Baekhyun tilts his head and raises an eyebrow.
“Really Chanyeol?” Baekhyun asks and Chanyeol leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. “You know how important my job is to me. No, wait, it’s not like you would understand what it means to work hard for something.”
Chanyeol blinks, taken aback at the venom in Baekhyun’s words.
“What’s that supposed to mean? You think I became a paramedic in my sleep?” Chanyeol asks. Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. “You have got to be kidding me.”
When Chanyeol gets up from the chair he has been sitting on, he towers over Baekhyun. Baekhyun doesn’t step back, however, too used to Chanyeol’s height.
“So you’re leaving, huh? What a way to deal with shit like this.”
Chanyeol whips around and glares at Baekhyun.
“Are you for real right now? You were the one who thought your job was more important than us, you were the one that ditched me even though I said I minded and right now you’re the one accusing me of running away?”
“You are running away! You’re always running away. Unless we actually have to be somewhere because then you’re so ridiculously slow that I have to drag you out to get anywhere on fucking time.”
“This isn’t about me being slow,” Chanyeol tries but Baekhyun shakes his finger a little in disagreement.
“No. This is about you being slow. This is about you expecting everything even though you always run away from confrontations and conversations.”
“You never talk to me either! The only thing you ever say you say to fucking hurt me. I’m sick and tired of always having to be your puppy! Do you even love me?”
Baekhyun stops a little before he answers.
“No.”
Chanyeol looks at him and feels his heart crack in two. He knew. Somewhere deep inside he has known for months where they were going.
Chanyeol has known for months that they were heading towards a break-up but hearing it said out loud hurts so incredibly much.
“I want you to leave,” he says. He swallows the lump in his throat. “I don’t want to see you again. We’re done.”
Baekhyun blinks a few times.
“Coward!” he says before he turns on his heels and heads into the bedroom so he can pack his things. Chanyeol flops down on the chair again and buries his head in his hands while he realizes that this is real. The candle wax is dripping onto the cloth now.
When Chanyeol hears footsteps he looks up from his hands.
“Baekhyun,” he shouts and Baekhyun stops in front of the kitchen.
“If you take back your words, then I will be the one to say them. We’re done Chanyeol. I break up. I’ll come get my things soon.”
With those words, he leaves the apartment and Chanyeol buries his hands once again.
~~~
Jongin looks at Hyein who clings to her mother. Gwiboon is looking at him with pity.
“Jongin,” she says as she rocks back and forth in the rocking chair while she breastfeeds Jungwoo. Jongin ignores her and calls towards Hyein again but the girl only tries to climb onto Gwiboon’s lap.
Taemin joins them in the living room and grabs the 3-year-old girl before she can get her feet caught under the rocking chair. She giggles a little before she notices Jongin and hides in Taemin’s shoulder.
“You should go home,” Taemin says as he plops onto the couch next to Jongin. “I bet Kyungsoo is missing you.”
Jongin scoffs and both Taemin and Gwiboon raise an eyebrow.
“No, he doesn’t,” Jongin mumbles. That’s the last thing Kyungsoo does. Jongin hasn’t told Taemin that his and Kyungsoo’s relationship is not ideal anymore, however. He had wanted to tell him but then Gwiboon had gotten pregnant with Jungwoo and Jongin hadn’t wanted to impose on the family happiness.
The longer he had left it unsaid, the harder it had become to actually say it out loud.
“What?” Taemin asks. “Is everything okay?”
Hyein moves in his lap and turns around to look at Jongin. She starts talking to Taemin but he only briefly looks at her before he gets eye contact with Jongin.
“Dad,” Hyein says and Taemin sighs a little.
“Not now princess.”
She pouts and cuddles into his chest to gain his attention but it doesn’t work. Jongin wishes Taemin would be more focused on this daughter than he is on him.
That isn’t going to happen, however, because whenever Taemin has an inkling something is wrong, he’ll go to the world’s end to figure out what it is. Jongin doesn’t understand why Gwiboon married him.
“It’s … nothing. We’re fine.”
The lie is obvious and Jongin fools no one.
“Princess?” Gwiboon suddenly says and gains Hyein’s attention. Jungwoo is done nursing. “Do you want to help mommy fix lunch?”
Hyein nods and climbs from Taemin’s lap. Gwiboon hands Taemin Jungwoo instead but the 4-months-old baby burps and then falls asleep in his arms.
“Jongin, what’s wrong?”
Jongin sighs.
“It’s … I feel lonely,” he finally admits. “We’re just not compatible, I guess. But I love him, I really do.”
“Why do you say you’re not compatible?”
“He never tells me he loves me.”
It sounds so pathetic. Jongin really shouldn’t complain about his relationship with Kyungsoo but he feels so lonely, so distanced. It doesn’t feel like they’re boyfriends and Jongin is sinking further and further into the loneliness.
He wishes he could just stop demanding the verbal affection from Kyungsoo. If he could then everything would fix itself. But life isn’t like that.
“Did you tell him?” Taemin asks and Jongin nods.
“It doesn’t come naturally to him and I guess I got tired of constantly complaining because he doesn’t tell me he loves me or misses me. I don’t know Taem, I wish it was easy but … I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“You should break up if you’re falling out of love, Jongin. It’s not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship that doesn’t work out. You’re not making things easier by staying.”
Jongin nods a little. Still he doesn’t want to fully admit to himself that Taemin is right. He’d rather believe it can be fixed, that time will heal the wounds – even if logic tells him that there is only one right decision.
~~~
“Dr. Kim,” the nurse says and Jongdae looks up from his patient to turn around and look at her.
“What is it?” he asks and she bows a little as an apology for interrupting his session.
“Mr. Kim is here to see you.”
Jongdae bites his lower lip and closes his eyes while he counts to 10 so he doesn’t get angry.
“Tell him I’ll be there when I can,” he says and opens his eyes to watch her nod and close the door.
Then he turns back to the patient in the chair. The woman looks at him curiously. Jongdae counts to 10 again, just to be sure that his annoyance has dimmed enough to not affect his communication with the patient.
Minseok is not supposed to be here. Jongdae has asked multiple times that he doesn’t show up at the hospital. The nurses think it’s a sweet gesture and that Minseok is oh-so-romantic but Jongdae finds it annoying.
He wants his work-place to be free of dating and romantic affection. He’s a professional and he wants to spend his breaks with his co-workers, not his boyfriend.
There is a clear line in Jongdae’s mind and Minseok is overstepping constantly, even when he has been told not to.
So Jongdae does what he does best; he prolongs the time before he has to talk to Minseok. It makes him strangely satisfied to see Minseok waiting for him.
When he can’t stall their meeting any more he goes to fetch Minseok, only to be handed a piece of paper and get a kiss on his cheek. Minseok leaves him with a smile and Jongdae looks down at the paper. He sighs and pockets the paper as he reads the time and the restaurant on it.
Then he returns to his office and tries to forget the dinner invitation that lies heavy in the pocket of his doctor’s coat.
~~~
Kyungsoo shouldn’t be upset with the lack of Jongin in the past two days. He knows that it’s on time they end it, that the act can’t keep going. He just doesn’t want to hurt Jongin. It should be logical that hurting is inevitable but Kyungsoo feels bad because he knows that he will feel more relief than he’ll feel hurt and it’s all wrong. He should be heartbroken to let his boyfriend of 4 years go but he isn’t.
“An Americano to go,” he says to the barista behind the counter when it’s finally his turn and as he steps aside he starts thinking about him and Jongin again.
Maybe time caught up to them, maybe they were just not as strong as he first thought they were. Maybe they were not meant to be.
He’s handed the cup of coffee and goes to find a table before he has to board. He’s there early, way earlier than he’s supposed to be, but staying in the apartment without Jongin had been a dreadful reminder of what was no longer.
There is still an hour until he has to start working and Kyungsoo fully intends on using it people watching in the airport.
A large family in a hurry captures his attention and he watches the parents usher their children towards the terminal. He guesses they’re going on vacation if their clothes say anything. They’re probably going to Europe.
A lone businessman in suit rushes past in the other direction. He’s definitely on a flight to Busan. He’s probably going home. Kyungsoo smiles a little.
Then he tilts his head as he observes a young man with his hair dyed red. He’s tapping his feet to an invisible beat like he’s in a hurry but when he turns around to look for a place to sit, he seems oddly relaxed.
The man sits a couple of seats away from Kyungsoo but Kyungsoo can’t tear his eyes from the other man.
~~~
Baekhyun takes a deep breath and looks around to find a seat. He’s still annoyed with Chanyeol and how everything has played out. He didn’t want to break up like that, but he’s also too angry to fix it. It’s over between them. It had been unfair of Chanyeol to act like he had.
Baekhyun has been sleeping at Taeyeon and Jiyong’s. Taeyeon is highly pregnant but the minute he had told her what had happened between him and Chanyeol she had insisted that he stayed with them. Baekhyun still needs to tell his parents that they have broken up but he isn’t going to rush it.
Right now, he has promised Taeyeon to spend some money to treat himself so that is what he’s going to do.
Baekhyun has planned a flight to Sapporo and he’s going to spend the weekend relaxing in onsens and eating great food. He should probably feel bad due to the break up but Baekhyun is looking forward to forgetting Chanyeol.
The anger he had left with is still simmering within him and he just wants to forget it all before he has to go back and stand face to face with Chanyeol once again.
Then he catches sight of a man in uniform, sipping a cup of coffee and Baekhyun places himself in a chair so he can take looks at the other man. That is wrong, so wrong, but it helps Baekhyun forget.
~~~
“I can’t believe he did that,” Chanyeol mumbles and plops down in front of the dentist. Jongdae looks up from his lunch and raises an eyebrow at the sight of the tall paramedic.
“Who did what?” he asks and Chanyeol only then realizes that he’s not alone at the table.
“Oh, uh, it’s nothing,” Chanyeol says and waves his hand a little. He starts eating but he’s still annoyed. Baekhyun shouldn’t have fled the country. They could have worked it out. It was a stupid misunderstanding, a heated argument. This is ridiculous. “No, you know what? It’s not nothing.”
Jongdae tilts his head a little in question and Chanyeol just sighs.
“My boyfriend … ex-boyfriend, I guess, is just being absolutely ridiculous.”
Chanyeol smiles a little to lift the atmosphere and Jongdae nods a little. Chanyeol has a beautiful smile, but right now it looks worn down. Jongdae frowns a little. That was an unprofessional thought. He shouldn’t think like that when he’s in a relationship.
“I know that we don’t really know each other, but if you need to let it all out, I’m a great listener,” Jongdae says and Chanyeol just nods a little.
“That’s a kind offer, but no thanks. I’ll be fine.”
~~~
When Minseok hangs up, he lifts both arms in a silent celebration. He got it. He did it. This company is perfect. They’re smaller but still big enough to need an HR manager. It’s located in Northern Seoul so Minseok doesn’t even have to propose a move to Jongdae.
And the best of all – the employees and bosses seem like amazing people he’ll be able to work well with. It’ll be perfect.
Finally he can leave his dreaded position. Finally everything will be better.
Nevermind the fact that Jongdae stood him up yesterday at the restaurant and only arrived after 50 minutes. According to Jongdae he had forgotten the note in his doctor’s coat but Minseok knows deep down inside that it hadn’t been that.
He decides to ignore it, however, because he wants to believe they can fix it. He loves Jongdae and he doesn’t want this to go to waste. Things will be better now. Definitely.
Minseok is sitting on the couch, typing away at his laptop when Jongdae enters after his shit.
“I have something to tell you,” Minseok says excitedly and pats the couch to invite Jongdae over. Jongdae still stands unnecessarily far away.
“I got a new job,” Minseok says at the same time Jongdae says “let’s break up.”
They look at each other.
“What?” Minseok asks.
“Let’s break up,” Jongdae repeats. The temperature in the living room suddenly feels chilly. Minseok puts the computer away on the table and turns to look fully at Jongdae.
“Why?”
He doesn’t understand. Everything was supposed to be better. Minseok just got a new job, they were going to fix this. They can’t break up.
“I don’t love you anymore Minseok.”
The words sting as they’re said and Minseok gets up from the couch, only to sink back onto it when the words sink in. Then he feels a tear trail down his cheek.
Minseok doesn’t understand it. When did Jongdae stop loving him? When did their relationship become unrepairable?
His emotions are all over the place and Minseok cries. He cries into Jongdae’s shoulder when the other sits down on the couch next to him and wraps his arms around him.
Minseok wants to be mad, wants to push him away but he doesn’t. The only thing he’s able to is hold Jongdae close and cry and Minseok wishes it wasn’t like that.
~~~
“We should break up,” Jongin says to his reflection in the mirror. “I’m breaking up,” he repeats. Then he shakes his head. He can’t do it. Why is breaking up with someone so difficult? It’s for the best, Taemin’s voice echoes in his mind and Jongin frowns.
What if it isn’t? What if he’s just fooling himself because he’s blinded by his own disappointment?
Jongin shakes his head again and returns his gaze to his reflection.
“I think we should break up.”
~~~
Kyungsoo looks at his co-pilot. They’re over the Pacific Ocean and there has been no trouble so far. It’s 3.30 AM back in Korea and Kyungsoo is tired. He hasn’t been able to sleep well with all this distance Jongin is putting between them and even the coffee he has consumed in the airport before starting work is no longer enough.
“Would it be okay if I took a collected rest? Just 10 minutes. I’ll fly afterwards if you need me to?”
His co-pilot nods a little and Kyungsoo scoots his seat back, away from the instruments.
“Trouble back home?” he asks and Kyungsoo groans and rests his head back against the seat.
“Don’t remind me,” he says and his co-pilot chuckles a little. Kyungsoo falls asleep within minutes and is awakened 10 minutes later. The power nap helps him focus on the rest of the flight, but the thoughts of Jongin never disappears.
~~~
Baekhyun really doesn’t mean to get drunk, but he still ends up crying into Taeyeon’s pregnant belly when he arrives home from Sapporo, drunk out of his mind.
He misses Chanyeol and it’s stupid. It’s stupid because he broke it off, it was him who couldn’t fix it any more, him who couldn’t stand Chanyeol. Chanyeol and his stupid long legs and his stupid gorgeous smile. Chanyeol and his deep voice that sends shivers down Baekhyun’s spine. Chanyeol and everything he brought with him.
Taeyeon sighs a little but runs her hand through Baekhyun’s hair.
“I miss him,” Baekhyun whispers and hiccups before he forces his tears away with his hands. “I should call him and apologize.”
Taeyeon gently fishes his phone out of his pocket and places it between her thigh and the couch pillow, effectively trapping it out of Baekhyun’s reach.
“No, you shouldn’t. You just miss the idea of being in a relationship,” she says and Baekhyun shakes his head against her belly.
“No. No, I definitely miss Chanyeol.”
He nods a little before he sniffles. Chanyeol who had been his dream guy, his ideal type, everything he had wished for. And then he starts crying again. How stupid he had been when he broke it off. Because of a silly argument. They could have fixed it, right? Taeyeon continues to stroke his hair while Baekhyun cries.
~~~
“This is purely platonic,” Jongdae says and reaches over to grab the beer on the counter. Chanyeol nods beside him.
“Of course,” he says and sends Jongdae a smile. Jongdae wishes it wasn’t so contagious. “So why did you invite me out to grab a beer?”
Jongdae just sighs.
“I need advice and I have no friends in Seoul that doesn’t know my boy… ex-boyfriend.”
Chanyeol nods in understanding.
“Oh,” he says and Jongdae nods a little as well. Going to the guy he has spent lunch with a week or two is stupid. Jongdae should have talked to his friends, called Sanghyuk and asked his opinion but it had been easier to ask Chanyeol out to get a beer.
It’s friendly, the atmosphere doesn’t suggest anything and Jongdae just enjoys the presence of the other man.
He doesn’t know how to feel after he broke up with Minseok. His first emotion had been relief but then Minseok had started crying and guilt had been overshadowing the relief. He still doesn’t really know how to feel. If relief is even alright to feel in a situation like this and even though he knows that Chanyeol just got out of a relationship as well, it feels nice to just say it out loud.
It’s easier to sort through his feelings and thoughts when he gets to say them out loud and Chanyeol is a great listener.
They talk for hours in the small bar, one beer becoming two and two becoming four and before he knows it he’s a little tipsy. It feels liberating, however and Jongdae welcomes the feeling with open arms.
And when Chanyeol laughs he knows he made a great decision when he asked Chanyeol to go with him.
~~~
Jongin finds Kyungsoo in their apartment when he finishes brushing his teeth. He has had the music on loud and hasn’t heard the front door open so when he’s suddenly face to face with the smaller man, he stops his dancing.
He’s in his pyjama pants and a grey shirt and Kyungsoo is standing there in his uniform.
“We need to talk, Jongin,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin’s resolve crumbles. He doesn’t want to talk. Suddenly he’s not ready to do anything and he wants to run away and hide in their bed, put his fingers in his ears and act like Hyein instead of the 26-year-old man he is.
“Can’t it wait?” Jongin asks and Kyungsoo shakes his head. Shit. “I was on my way to bed.”
Kyungsoo sighs and looks at Jongin and Jongin shrinks in on himself.
“Jongin,” he says and Jongin stands as nailed to the floor while Kyungsoo places himself on the couch. There’s silent in the apartment. “I don’t think we should continue.”
Jongin squeezes his eyes shut at the words. He doesn’t want to listen anymore.
“No,” he whispers. Kyungsoo continues.
“This … Us … It doesn’t work anymore. I’m unhappy. I can’t do this anymore, it’s not fair to keep you in this relationship either. It’s not you, it’s me. Let’s break up.”
“No,” Jongin whispers again with his eyes still shut. This is not true. Kyungsoo can’t break up with him, not like this. Why is it so easy for Kyungsoo to say these words? Why doesn’t he struggle with them?
When he opens his eyes Kyungsoo is still there on the couch, pity in his eyes, sadness in his smile and it’s all wrong. It’s all wrong. Jongin should have been the one to break up with Kyungsoo. Jongin is the unhappy one.
What did he do to make Kyungsoo so miserable that he had to break up?
Jongin turns on his heels and heads into the bedroom where he crawls under the blanket. He listens to footsteps but hears nothing. There’s silent around him and the silence is suffocating.
Jongin is the wrong person. It’s Jongin, not Kyungsoo. It’s not you, it’s me. The anger that rises in his veins slowly overtakes the confusion.
Of course, it’s Jongin. Jongin did wrong. Kyungsoo didn’t do anything. He sits up in bed and punches his blanket. Of course, Kyungsoo wanted to break up with him because Jongin has only been doing the wrong thing.
Jongin is the course of this. Jongin was jealous, Jongin was unable to conform, Jongin was unable to compromise.
He wants to scream and punch the wall but instead he throws the blanket to the floor and then curls in on himself and starts crying, rocking back and forth on the mattress.
“Except he has a horrible secret that not even Sehun knows. It’s the reason Jongdae is studying meteorology to begin with. He’s terrified of thunderstorms. Jongdae himself considers it astraphobia and if he was to ever tell anyone, he would say that he suffers from astraphobia, only because it sounds more professional and less childish than “I’m afraid of thunderstorms”. But Jongdae doesn’t intend on telling anyone anyway so it’s not important what he would call it.”
-
i decided to write a mama!au and jongdae being afraid of his own powers just fills me with so much happiness i can’t like it’s just so cute, hahaha
also very counterproductive and bad for him because bad feelings will just cause even stronger thunderstorms tsk tsk <3
hardest character to writewould probably be luhan in his chapter of i was going to die slowly
i loved his disorder and i still find it so so so interesting but it was so hard to write out in a way that was satisfactory without making him seem like the abusive asshole he is
easiest character to write
baekhyun in maybe if i skip dinner. because he was me and at the same time distanced enough not to be me and idk his character just came to me so easily
how many unfinished ideas/stories are you working on at the same time?
two! right now at least, lmao
i have a crack story that is going to be ridiculous and not crack at all and a merfolk!au which is shinee so i guess irrelevant. and then i had a brief idea i never got to entertain further but maybe, we’ll see
oh wait, no, nevermind, i got a few stories unfinished on aff that i should definitely finish but apparently that takes time so. the two mentioned above are unfinished and unpublished lol
hmm, i like writing xiumin. i think it’s xiuhan as a pairing because theyre so cute altho i ship xiukai more
favorite line you’ve ever written
oh shit, uhm ive got a few but “. He turns around as another plane takes off and his mind slowly finds its way back to flames, screams, cries, crashes and his body finds comfort in the panic attack that shakes him after years of sleeping. “ (Aviophobia) and “He should be happy and free with the knowledge that he can become pretty but he isn't because it's not satisfactory anymore.” (MIISD) are probably some of them heh
do you reread your own stories?
yes! as a matter of fact i do! not always because im satisfied with them but then i can fix all the grammar lmao so yes, i do reread them
i have an idea i’ll have to finish which is just stupid but i’ll write it anyway. either way, does anyone have an idea? a fic they want me to write or smth? uwuwu
pairings: xiuchen and baekyeol. xiumin and baekhyun centric, though.
genre: angst
rating: nc-17
warnings: eating disorders (bulimia and anorexia), self-harm, self-hatred
please take care of yourself if you choose to read.
Minseok is sleeping when a shrill tone suddenly snaps him out of sweet dreams. At first, he thinks it's the fire alarm, then he realizes it's his phone.
The screen flashes with Joonmyun's name on it and when he finally picks up, the first thing he hears is a sob. Joonmyun is unable to tell him anything though and it isn't until the manager's voice fills his ear that he finally gets the news.
Baekhyun is dead, he died at 4.43 AM according to doctors and the manager is going to talk to the hospital so that Minseok can attend the funeral. When he hangs up he's filled with a bitter sadness. It doesn't really occur to him that Baekhyun is actually dead until Jongdae calls him and cries.
Jongdae rarely cries but there is nothing left of the strong man that has been telling Minseok to start caring about himself when he sobs over the phone. Minseok feels horrible. He can't be there to support his band members and he can't even be there to mourn Baekhyun when he should have been.
It's also slightly terrifying, he realizes, a few minutes later. That it could be him. That life could be taken away so quickly.
Minseok knows of Baekhyun's problems with food. Jongdae told him. He's not sure if it was supposed to scare him but it hadn't. He had felt sorry for Baekhyun, of course he had. The other was too precious to even worry about food.
Now, however, he's just left with a weird sort of numbness. His band member has died yet he hasn't even shed a tear yet. Minseok kind of hates himself. He doesn't leave his bed for the entire day.
Instead, he stares at the ceiling and when the clock is 8 PM he feels the tear tracks drying on his cheeks and knows that he has been crying.
He loved Baekhyun, they all did. Baekhyun was perfect no matter what he did, his voice a gift from heaven and Minseok knows for certain that maybe being stubborn about losing weight was a wrong choice when all it lead to was unhappiness.
Now he'll never get to tell Baekhyun that the other was perfect. He'll never get the opportunity to apologize for not noticing, for not caring. The sob that wrecks his body is so pathetic that Minseok wants to hate himself for it, but he can't. He just wants to cry.
-
They remove the NG-tube a day before the funeral. He's told not to walk around, preferably being in the wheelchair despite being allowed to walk around in the hospital on his own for an hour every day.
The doctors are sympathetic and even agrees to cut down on the aggressively sized meals they've been giving him.
Minseok still kind of refuses to eat, it's not that easy to suddenly change, but he's actually making an effort to change. It's not that Minseok is particularly proud of himself.
He wishes he could stop eating and lose the last few kilograms but the doctors are also very clear with him - if he doesn't gain more weight, they're putting the NG-tube back in and they'll force feed him until he weighs 50 kg. The number is absurdly high, Minseok is sure he'll collapse long before he actually gets there.
For now, he weighs 44 kg. and that is still horrifying, but it's definitely better than 50. He wishes they won't go over 45 but he's also pretty sure that he can't negotiate with the doctors so they let him stay there.
The manager picks him up an hour before the funeral and he gives Minseok a sympathetic look as if the suit is too big on him. Minseok knows it hangs a little loose but it's better than filling it out completely because that would mean he is fat.
He isn't, though and his cheekbones are still horribly visible on his cheeks and his collarbones still create deep valleys. It's okay as long as his bones don't disappear underneath a layer of fat again.
There's silent in the car. He's been told it's a private affair. The members are going to be there, the same is Baekhyun's family. A few other friends are probably coming as well to pay their respects.
The fans have not been notified of time and place of the funeral and Minseok hopes they won't come. He doesn't want to be seen in the wheelchair that is now lying in the back of the car, waiting for them to arrive so Minseok doesn't have to walk.
When they arrive the members are there. They're all dressed in black and few acknowledges him. The manager wheels him closer to the coffin and Minseok feels a lump in his throat. He had promised himself he wouldn't cry, just to honor Baekhyun's beautiful smile, but looking at the picture on top of the coffin is so hard that he cries anyway.
He gets off of the wheelchair and steps closer only to bow down in front of the picture so he can pay his respects. He wants it to be a nightmare, he wants the nurse to come to wake him up any minute now. But there is no nurse to wake him up, only the soft cries of his members and Baekhyun's family.
As he rises from where he's bowing, he wipes away a tear.
"I'm sorry," he whispers to the picture. What he's sorry for he isn't sure. But he's definitely sorry. He feels a soft hand grab his own and when he turns he finds Jongdae. The other has been crying as well and Minseok doesn't say anything that could ruin it. For once, Jongdae needs him just as much as he needs Jongdae.
They move a little away, closer to the group but there's silence amongst them all. Nobody knows exactly what to say. To bury a friend is something Minseok had hoped he would never have to do, at least not while he was still young, but here he is, along with the rest of them.
Chanyeol is staring blankly ahead of him, Joonmyun is crying into Yixing's chest and Sehun, Jongin and Kyungsoo are just standing there. It is as if the world has suddenly stopped moving, but Minseok knows that isn't the case.
He doesn't like being here so when he turns to Jongdae he tells him he wants to go back to the hospital.
-
Eating is terrifying. Eating on his own is more than terrifying and Minseok can't do it. His hand is shaking, the soup on the spoon splashing back down in the bowl in front of him.
He hasn't even taken a sip but the thought of actually consuming calories is so horrible to him, that just holding the spoon is a huge step. He wants to do it, though, he wants to eat the soup.
He somehow wishes to prove to the doctors that he isn't anorexic but something inside of him has already given up on that. He's sick, he's sick enough to be admitted to the hospital and he isn't going to get any better if he keeps denying.
The psychiatrist smiles at his efforts and Minseok sort of kind of wants to punch him the face. It's not that doctor Hwang isn't a nice man, he's a great man. He's very optimistic, something Minseok sometimes finds a little annoying. Like right now where his big smile is supposed to indicate that Minseok has taken a huge step towards recovery when he hasn't even been able to take a sip of his soup.
The knock on the door is a thankful welcome and Jongdae sends them a smile as he bows his head a little in greetings.
"Come on in, come on in," doctor Hwang says and Jongdae nods as he closes the door after him. He takes a seat on the other side of Minseok's bed and Minseok puts the spoon back into the bowl of soup.
Doctor Hwang seems to be able to feel that something is unsaid between them so he gets up and sends Jongdae a blinding smile before he tells the other to help Minseok eat a little of his food. Minseok sends him a scowl when he leaves and sighs heavily as the door closes.
"I can't even eat a fucking spoonful," he says frustrated and Jongdae takes the spoon from him.
"You know, it would probably be easier if you didn't shake that much." Minseok glares at him and Jongdae just smiles. "Here, let me help you." And he does.
The first spoonful is horrible. It tastes like fat and Minseok almost wants to vomit but he doesn't and Jongdae's eyes glint beautifully and Minseok thinks it's worth it. He eats another two spoonfuls before he gets enough and the taste of fat becomes too much.
"I've been thinking..." he says and Jongdae puts the spoon back in the soup as if feeding your band member is the most normal thing he has ever done. He tilts his head as if to ask Minseok to continue and Minseok does.
"I ... After Baekhyun ..." He can't get himself to actually say 'died' so he skips and hopes that Jongdae understands. "I don't want to die, so I've been thinking that maybe I should ... you know, give this whole ..." He gives up midway and sighs but Jongdae seems to understand anyway and he nods.
"I'm glad. I really am." He sounds so sincere that Minseok turns to look at him, only to get full eye contact. His heart skips a beat but he ignores it when he nods.
"But you know, I don't think being in the industry is going to do me any good and I would hold you guys back so much because of this..." He gestures towards his body that is still on the slightly slimmer side. Jongdae sighs a little.
"I get it," he says and Minseok actually thinks he might be getting it. "Quit." Jongdae suddenly says and Minseok stares at him incredulously.
"What?" He's pretty sure he didn't hear what Jongdae just said. He must have been dreaming it. The other wouldn't possibly be encouraging him to quit EXO, to quit his dreams and ultimately disappoint all of them. But when Jongdae repeats himself, it's exactly what he's suggesting.
"The industry is tough and you know it. Minseok, if you want to focus on getting better, quit EXO, be Kim Minseok again." He doesn't say 'I love you' but it lingers in the air and Minseok knows it's there. Because Jongdae loves him, even when he's not supposed to because Minseok is not worth loving.
Minseok lets the thought simmer and Jongdae feeds him another spoonful of soup.
-
The company isn't exactly happy when Minseok enters the office and declares that he wants to quit EXO. It's his only wish. He doesn't want lawsuits and money and the promise of being able to work in the entertainment industry again, he just wants out. He just wants them to null his contract so he's not with them in the next couple of years where he's going to focus on recovering. It wouldn't do them any good either.
He tells them all of this, has brought documents from several doctors to back up his points. He's suffering from severe Anorexia Nervosa with severe physical complications such as osteoporosis and bradycardia, he won't be of any use to them.
At the end, the board agrees with his decision and terminates his contract. The fans are going to hate him but Minseok doesn't care when he finds Jongdae and lets the other follow him back to the hospital.
They've been in the room for 30 minutes when doctor Hwang enters with a big smile and asks if it's true that Minseok wants to talk to him. Minseok nods.
"I want to admit myself long-term. I want to be here on my own."
pairings: xiuchen and baekyeol. xiumin and baekhyun centric, though.
genre: angst
rating: nc-17
warnings: eating disorders (bulimia and anorexia), self-harm, self-hatred
please take care of yourself if you choose to read.
Eating has him almost gagging on reflex. Jihyun raises an eyebrow at him and Baekhyun winces. She had doubted him when he told her that he used to vomit twice a day. Whether or not she didn't believe the number or whether or not she didn't believe that he vomited, Baekhyun isn't sure of. And sure, he lied. He didn't vomit twice a day, he used to vomit all the time.
He doesn't anymore though because he's actually getting better. That is not to say that he is fine and believes in himself, not at all. He does still on occasion sneak in the diet pill when it gets a little too rough and the thoughts still linger in the back of his mind.
The weight loss dream is still there. But yeah, sure, he is getting better.
"How does it make you feel?" she asks after a minute and Baekhyun puts the spoon down before he sighs and looks up from his half-eaten plate.
"Gross," he answers and she sends him a smile. He doesn't know what she makes of his progress but she says she can definitely feel it coming.
She told him it takes times and not just a week or two, no, a long time. Baekhyun doubted her words at first. How long could it take to actually stop wanting to vomit or hurt himself when it took such a short time to start wanting it in the first place. But Baekhyun has grown smarter than that because it is taking him a long time.
He hates their eating sessions the most. Talking is one thing, it's a little like lying except he can't lie if he honestly wants to get better and he does. Baekhyun has seen just a little bit of hope on the other side that doesn't include razors or white toilet bowls and he wants that. He wishes he could have kept his weight as well though but you can't have everything.
The first time Jihyun had asked him to step on the scale after he was discharged was also the first time since his suicide attempt that he was to watch his weight. And the 53 that had mocked him in red had forced him into a panic attack, a sudden desire to lose more weight, to run to the bathroom and prod at his gag reflex and get it out, out, out.
But Baekhyun hadn't vomited that day because the door was locked and Jihyun was there.
Well, he hadn't vomited at the hospital. He had found a public bathroom on his way home and forced two fingers down his throat until the horrible feeling of guilt had gone away. Jihyun doesn't know this. Baekhyun doesn't find it necessary to tell her this because it's a step back he isn't exactly proud of.
"Are you full?" she asks when he hasn't taken a bite in 5 minutes and Baekhyun decides that, yes, he's full. He isn't. But the feeling of being full still really terrifies him and sure, he wants to get better, but he can't just magically get better. At least not if magically getting better includes being full. He nods and sends her a smile.
They spend the rest of the hour talking about how eating makes him feel and Baekhyun isn't sure he's supposed to lie if he's supposed to be getting better, but he can't help it.
-
Baekhyun steps out of the hospital and forces himself not to find the first public bathroom he can. He'll just eat little for dinner tonight and it should be fine. They all know he eats with Jihyun every second Monday anyway.
A car honks a few meters away from him and when Baekhyun looks up he recognizes Joonmyun's car. The passenger door opens and Chanyeol leans out with a goofy grin spread across his features.
"Hurry up," he says and Baekhyun almost run to catch up with the two of them.
"Where are we going?" he asks when he gets into the car. Joonmyun offers him a smile and tells him they're going shopping for Jongdae's birthday party. Baekhyun stiffens a little on the back seat. Birthdays. Birthdays mean cake and candy and fat food and Baekhyun doesn't think he's particularly ready for that.
Joonmyun interrupts his train of thought when he starts the car and drives off from the hospital. Baekhyun sinks back into the leather seats and turns to look at the city as they drive past.
He knows he shouldn't be thinking of ways to avoid the birthday party because that is only another setback and still his mind keeps reminding him to eat a diet pill daily the entire week before the birthday party to make sure he doesn't gain too much, to remember that he can always prod at his gag reflex if he gets too full and to remember to jog 5 km to burn off calories.
He shakes his head slowly. He needs to tell Jihyun about this tomorrow but as Joonmyun parks the car and Chanyeol excitedly hurries off like a way-too-big puppy Baekhyun files it in the back of his mind as 'things that shouldn't be said out loud'.
He smiles as he walks with Joonmyun. The older is talking about what present to get Jongdae and Baekhyun honestly almost forgets what he was thinking about in the car and why he is so afraid of birthday parties, to begin with.
They settle on an RC car, Joonmyun is sure Jongdae is going to love and Baekhyun finds himself laughing when Chanyeol comes back with a pair of ridiculous sunglasses and declares that he's going to give them to Jongdae. Joonmyun just rolls his eyes, but Baekhyun can't thank Chanyeol enough for making him laugh genuinely and he finds himself willing to fight it all once again.
There is a life on the other side of self-induced vomiting and black thoughts. Chanyeol begs Joonmyun to buy him bubbletea and the leader is, as usual, kind enough to do so. Baekhyun declines but promises it's not because of his thoughts and for once it's actually true.
-
The dorm is filled with balloons and other decorations. There's a cake in the refrigerator along with plenty of delicious dishes that has been created by fancy chefs.
There's a mountain of candy stocked away in the cabinets and Baekhyun knows he shouldn't be doing this. He wants to will himself to move, to go back to bed, Jongdae will come home tomorrow and he will see it all and be happy and they will celebrate and eat it all together. That's how it's supposed to be.
Baekhyun shouldn't be standing in the kitchen at 3.23 in the morning and staring into the sharp orange light of the refrigerator as the coldness seeps into the room. This is wrong. Baekhyun is getting better, right? He is definitely getting better so why is he here, staring at the cheesecake that calls his name in the most seductive way he has ever heard.
He closes the refrigerator while he tells himself no. First and foremost, he won't get any skinnier if he eats alone. That is rule number one. He can't eat alone. Even Jihyun says this because she wants him to break the dangerous binge-cycle. But he can't will himself away from the kitchen. It's like there's a force field keeping him there, telling him to taste it, if only to make sure that it actually tastes good enough to serve.
Instead of opening the refrigerator he opens the cabinets and stares at the candy. One candy bar won't make him fat. Nobody will notice it has gone away. It's a little like midnight snacking he tells himself. Just one candy bar and then he'll go to sleep. One candy bar won't make him feel guilty either so there will be no reason to do any harm after. Just one.
Baekhyun reaches for one but grabs two unconsciously. Okay, he can do two. Two candy bars aren't going to make him fat and they won't make him feel guilty. He slowly opens the first one.
As he takes the first bite he closes his eyes and moans lowly. It tastes so good. The softness of the chocolate melts on his tongue and it's just too good. Baekhyun hasn't tasted anything as heavenly in a long long time.
He quickly devours the first candy bar and opens the second. Just one more. One more is okay and his stomach is begging him for more. More, more, more.
Baekhyun grabs another candy bar from the cabinet. Then another one. The wrappers fall to the floor like rain, Baekhyun too occupied with eating to actually care. He doesn't know how many he's eaten but the wrappers on the floor say 11 when he opens the refrigerator once again.
The cake looks so tasty and the small dishes of seafood and other delicacies call out to him once again.
So Baekhyun naturally grabs the cake and finds a fork and starts eating. The cheesecake is soft and delicious and it has him moaning in delight as well as he scoops bite after bite down. He hardly even chews it.
Somewhere in the back of his mind, a little voice tells him to stop. It's drowned the second he opens the coke and takes a gulp. He sits on the floor and grabs dish after dish, shoving food inside.
And then suddenly he realizes that he's ruining Jongdae's birthday. He's eaten almost all the food and it's now 4.12 am. He stares in shock at his reflection in the metallic refrigerator door and how it slowly morphs into fat cheeks and a double chin. He's disgusting. He's absolutely disgusting.
Baekhyun hates himself in that moment. He was doing so well. He was trying to fight it all, he had been getting better.
Sure, he was told recovery was hard, but this - this is just disgusting. This is not recovering. This is not who Baekhyun was supposed to be. This is just the nightmare all along and he'll be getting both fat and disgusting.
He gets up and scrambles to the bathroom. One last time. He promises that he'll call Jihyun tomorrow and tell her everything. What he's been doing. He almost wants to call her now and just cry, tell her how stupid he is and how disgusting he is but he can't call at 4 am, she's asleep.
So he does the only thing he knows - he opens his mouth and lets two fingers prod at his gag reflex until he vomits.
Then he feels a strong pain in his stomach and he removes his fingers from his throat to clutch at his stomach. The pain is stronger than anything he has ever felt before, it's dizzying and definitely way worse than cutting his wrist.
It's nauseating and Baekhyun feels the overwhelming need to vomit again so he does so except this time it's mostly blood. It's disgusting really, as he coughs into the toilet and the blood drips down his chin.
The pain in his stomach spreads from the left side to the right and he curls into a ball on the white-tiled floor as he tries his best to conquer the pain. It'll go away in a minute. It always does, Baekhyun hasn't done anything abnormally wrong.
He coughs again, specks of blood painting the white floor. His heart is beating faster than it usually is but Baekhyun doesn't notice because the pain is so overwhelming.
He's hyperventilating when he notices how hard breathing has actually become and he tries to force himself to relax, to stop panicking and to take deep breaths. Breathing doesn't get easier nor does the stomach pain let up. And as he closes his eyes tightly shut to focus on letting go of the pain, he's painfully aware of how similar this situation is to something else.
He cries out, tears falling from his eyes as the pain gets too intense and then he drifts off into blackness, a sudden feeling of calmness filling him. All he sees is black.
hello!!! its your anon writing fan again :) i was wondering if there are plans to update maybe if i skip dinner anytime soon? once again, i love your writing!!!! thank you :))
yes, yes, there is. i just need to figure out the logistics of how to post the two ending chapters but they’ll be up soon. ^^
pairings: xiuchen and baekyeol. xiumin and baekhyun centric, though.
genre: angst
rating: nc-17
warnings: eating disorders (bulimia and anorexia), self-harm, self-hatred
please take care of yourself if you choose to read.
Minseok hates the hospital. He hates the doctors and their white coats, he hates the nurses and their determined steps and most of all, he hates the fact that he is here because being here means that he's sick. And Minseok isn't sick.
He sighs and turns in his bed, the IV-drop pulling a little in his hand when it's stretched as much as possible. He glances at it with disgust but lets his hand fall back so he doesn't stretch it out too far. He still has the NG-tube and he's still being force fed whenever they deem him unable to eat and it's really unfair.
Minseok spends every night walking around in his room, counting his steps. 100, 110, 120.
He knows it doesn't do much but the thought of how many calories they're actually putting in him is so disgusting to him that it gives him small panic attacks. So Minseok doesn't think of how many calories he's forced to consume but rather how many he can burn off without their knowledge.
Minseok has learned pretty fast that he's not the only anorexic that is admitted to the psychiatric ward. Well, that is if he was anorexic to begin with which he is absolutely not.
That aside, when he is allowed in the common room in his wheelchair and he sees the other patients, they're fairly easy to spot - the ones who think the same way he does. They're mostly girls, of course, they are. But they're a lot skinnier than he is. They're allowed to walk around though which makes Minseok feel slightly jealous. He wants to walk around as well.
He knows it's a gamble considering his career but if he hasn't been allowed seeing other people he would have gone insane. The 48-hour isolation with only the members visit was proof enough of that.
There's a girl who has been looking at him strangely as if she's not sure she's seeing the person she thinks she's seeing and Minseok doesn't blame her. News of him being admitted to the psychiatric ward hasn't exactly been spread around. And the hospital staff cannot say anything.
When she does take the first few steps towards him and introduces herself one afternoon, though, she also promises that she won't tell anyone why he's here. This has Minseok frowning. He's not sick, he's just here because Jongdae was worried about him. He tells her this and she laughs. It sounds a little scary but she shakes her head and smiles at him.
"You know, I thought my parents were just worried about me as well. That there was nothing wrong at all. Turned out my world was a mix of reality and hallucinations and now I'm here. Well, at least until the doctors deem me good enough to go home. Don't you want to go home?" she asks and Minseok sighs and turns to his hands.
He does. He wants to go home. But he doesn't want to get fatter just to go home and shed it all once more. He only needs to get to 38 kg. Perhaps he can even compromise and agree on 38.5 kg.
"I do," he says and looks up but when he's about to elaborate he sees Jongdae in the doorway, waving at him and he sends the girl a smile. "My friend is here, so I guess I have to go."
He schools his expression into a smile, masks all thoughts of getting fatter and losing weight again when he waves to Jongdae as well. The girl nods and leaves and Jongdae hurries to Minseok's side. His lips are smiling but his eyes don't portray the happiness and Minseok knows that he's been awake all night.
The dark circles under his eyes are only badly concealed but Minseok doesn't mention it and Jongdae doesn't say anything either when he takes Minseok back to his room.
☆★☆
Baekhyun is discharged from the hospital on a rainy summer day. The manager is here to pick him up and his signature is illegible as he signs with his left hand. The right arm is still in bandages, the scar hidden for the world to see, but at least he's out of the hospital.
The fans will know that he's been discharged, seeing as he has schedules already tomorrow. He's not exactly sure he can do a fan meeting but the manager has promised that there won't be a fan sign and Baekhyun guesses it's good enough that he has to fake happiness in front of all of them. He's sure the bandage will be covered by clothes, hiding the truth from the world to see.
He sighs as he gets in the car and fumbles with the tablet. It's not easy doing everything with his left hand.
He's still an out-patient though. Jihyun isn't letting him go all that willingly and somehow Baekhyun doesn't want her to either. He doesn't exactly like his diagnosis, hell, maybe he even still disagrees with it, but when he had finally told her that he was too fat and that he didn't want to fight the refrigerator anymore, he had acknowledged that if 'bulimia nervosa' could help him get out of the nightmare in which he was trapped, then maybe it wasn't all that bad.
He sighs a little when he accidentally clicks a tabloid website. News of kpop idols spring to life and most of them are boring, this one has a comeback, that one has a comeback.
But then there's a little side section and the title catches his eyes and makes him gasp. 'Reasons EXO's Baekhyun might be hospitalized' is the headline and it makes him crumble in fear. What if they know? If someone snuck inside and knows that he's sick, that he tried to kill himself.
But it's all fan speculations and people disagreeing with the official statement from SM Entertainment.
Baekhyun understands their skepticism, he really does. He just can't tell them the truth either and he trusts his company to know how to deal with all this. In all honesty, Baekhyun doesn't want to deal with it himself when he's still falling.
It's a little like a free fall, Jihyun had said. Baekhyun thinks it describes it all very well. Climbing up is almost impossible and falling is so easy. The dreadful feeling he has carried around in forever is still there, clawing at him and dragging him down, down, down.
Jihyun also said he needed to make the conscious choice of wanting to get better. He needed to fight it. And if Baekhyun is honest, he thinks he might be able to do it. At least he's going to give it a try.
☆★☆
Jongdae sits on his bed, Minseok is still in his wheelchair. Sure, he should have lied down but somewhere inside, he hopes that the way he slowly moves his foot up and down is enough to burn just a few calories. And if Minseok can burn a few calories sitting as well, then it's definitely better than lying down and letting them feed him until he's fat.
Jongdae doesn't say anything, only hums a little as if the silence speaks enough for both of them. It doesn't.
The only thing the silence says is that he has to fight harder. Needs to fight more, needs to be less than he is today because tomorrow they will come and they will feed him again no matter how much he protests, no matter how big of a fuss he makes.
It's almost not worth the fight, the staff not even listening when he rationally tries to explain to them that they're making a mistake.
Maybe Minseok is aware that they're just doing their job, somewhere deep down, but he was just doing his job as well.
They are both professionals so how come they can't see that Minseok needs to get back on the stage, needs to get back to his fans, needs to get back to EXO so they can stand on stage together. Jongdae sends him a shy smile when he leans a little forward and Minseok leans back in his wheelchair.
"What are you thinking about?" Jongdae asks curiously and puts a hand on Minseok's thigh to stop his leg from moving.
Minseok scowls a little and starts opening and closing his hand in a small fist. Movement burns calories so obviously, he needs to move. Jongdae eyes him with an unreadable expression.
"Nothing," Minseok lies and sends Jongdae a smile so the other doesn't notice how he's still trying to burn as many calories as possible despite being forced to stay still. Jongdae notices though and puts his other hands around Minseok's to still the movement as well.
Minseok wants to snap at him but that wouldn't make anything better either. He sighs a little. "What about you?" Jongdae looks towards the floor quickly before he gets eye contact with Minseok.
"You," he states boldly and Minseok shrinks a little. Jongdae shouldn't be thinking about Minseok. It's true that he did confess but Minseok also doesn't deserve it so he rejected him.
Doesn't he know how much Minseok is hurting him? Isn't he aware of how good he is? How Minseok isn't good enough to accept it?
Minseok doesn't get to finish his self-hatred before a soft pair of lips meets his own cracked ones and he stills.
Time stands completely still, his body no longer moving at all. Jongdae has closed his eyes, Minseok can see that. But it's not love that the kiss transfers.
He's pretty sure Jongdae doesn't mean to tell him how wrong he is, what a terrible human he is, by kissing him. It's usually not the message with a kiss. But Minseok is so hyper aware of all his flaws in that moment that he doesn't even enjoy it. It only makes him smaller, his mind screaming at him to stop Jongdae before the other does something he'll regret.
Minseok can't stop the tears that run down his cheeks nor can he stop his thoughts from punishing him when Jongdae pulls away and the glint in his eyes crack and dies down.
"Please leave," Minseok says and Jongdae does so without another word.
☆★☆
Chanyeol is waiting for him when they arrive back at the dorm. He's talking animatedly about something Baekhyun doesn't understand as if nothing is wrong but there's an aura of doom around him. As if he's been waiting for today to happen, only to see that something horrible is going to happen.
Baekhyun understands because the rain has always been dampening Chanyeol's mood, but the taller one is trying hard not to let it get to him.
At least it seems like it when he sends Baekhyun a lopsided smile and tells him that he's going to order Baekhyun's favorite food for dinner. Baekhyun winces at the mention of food. Sure, he has taken the decision to get better but he's not sure he can indulge in greasy food so soon.
The whispers of how fat he is come back slowly, they creep back to him like a fog surrounding him and it isn't until Chanyeol places a hand on his shoulder that Baekhyun seems to be able to shake them off. They're there, though, hiding just behind him and ready to attack him if he takes one step wrong. He'll fall again and he knows it.
Then he remembers Jihyun's words and curses the woman for knowing him so well despite not knowing anything at all and the desire to fight it all slowly gets bigger again.
"Don't ... expect too much," he tells Chanyeol as they settle on the couch and it shuts Chanyeol up almost instantly.
"Expect ... too much?" he asks and Baekhyun nods. Don't expect too much. He's still not good enough, still not thin enough to actually eat something like this and despite his hospital stay he has yet to actually eat a large amount of food.
He dreads it. The feeling of being full is still the worst he can imagine and he surely doesn't want that. He doesn't want the other to think he's suddenly all better. Sehun eyes him skeptically when he passes them in the living room and Baekhyun feels his heart plummet.
The younger hasn't said a lot. Chanyeol thinks it's because he's still a little affected about the news of Minseok's admission to the hospital.
Baekhyun, however, is pretty sure it's his fault all the same because it was Sehun who found him bloody and half-dead. He wishes he could turn back time, only if it would leave him either dead or completely alive.
Jongin enters the dorm with Taemin, they're laughing loudly and Baekhyun pulls his knees close to himself and wraps his arms around them. Chanyeol raises an eyebrow.
"Oh, hyung," Jongin says and quickly releases Taemin's hand as if they have been caught doing something inappropriate. Taemin smiles and nods his greetings.
"Welcome home." The two of them disappear rather quickly and Baekhyun feels the guilt in his stomach. He's not worth their company. But of course, he isn't, he never was.
He sighs a little when Joonmyun and Kyungsoo enter the dorm after a schedule.
"I just don't get what I did wrong," Kyungsoo whines and Joonmyun pats his shoulder in a comforting manner before he sees Chanyeol and Baekhyun on the couch. He sends them a smile but says nothing as he follows Kyungsoo into the kitchen while the other keeps whining about the filming and how he'd apparently been taking one too many re-do's in his own opinion.
Yixing saunters into the living room yawning and stretches his hands in the air. He doesn't say anything but he, too, sends Baekhyun a smile and Baekhyun buries his head in his knees and lets the darkness consume him once more.
He doesn't understand how they can all be so happy to see him when he is not worth seeing and it both hurts and comforts him.
Chanyeol's soft hand on his back is soothing as Baekhyun lets his mind fight itself.
