The mind is a fragile place. It’s very easy to hurt and very hard to heal. Ive learned this hard truth during the last 7-8 years of my life. It is very hard for me to speak but I will try nonetheless.
I have never been a good student during my high school days. I would say at most average or at times, slightly above average. One summer my mentality changed and I became from one day to another an impressive student. When I got to university I was able to express myself. My motivation came from anger. I was angry at myself for the person I had let myself become during the years, somebody who could not rely on itself because of bad, very bad habits.
Even if my grades were insanely good, I realized something very quickly. My body and my mind were not as strong as those of those I was competing with in my mind. It was always seemed to me that these people always were ready to work hard, did not need any kind of rest and simple physical activities could heal them in an instant. I have always envied them. It is very hard for me to keep up with them. I am not sure why, but I tend to burn out very easily.
My motto, since becoming a good student has always been ‘change is good’. I have always been scared of changes, and I still am. I do not like going out of my comfort zone. I always try my best to change what I think is wrong with me.
Since I have moved to another country, one image I saw online and which I have saved on my phone, has particularly stuck with me. ‘If you keep carrying the same bricks, you will end up building the same house’. I am perfectly aware of why I failed in the past. I know the reasons and I try to mitigate them to the best of my abilities every single day. Even so, It is a hard task. For example, I try not to listen to songs which related to very obscure moments of my life. This is because they put me in states of mind which are not suited for students who are overachievers at very competitive universities. But my mind has self-destructive tendencies and I end up listening to them from time to time. This has a very negative impact on my mood and as a result I am not able to concentrate and I can not keep myself disciplined to do what I need to do, leading to losing the entire day depressing-procrastinating.
Recently I had both a technical and managerial interview for a company that has been a dream for me to work for. In my opinion, both went very well. Unfortunately I was told that this position might not be available anymore in a short period of time because of economical reasons. This has been on my mind for the last two days. I have skipped classes to prepare for these interviews and I have put a lot of effort and hope in them. Even if it was not an outright rejection, I have been having this bad feeling about it.
As a result of multiple factors, I have spent all of today simply watching anime, not going out of the house, not wanting to meet/speak with anybody.
I have been scared the whole day. I have been thinking that I am not good enough to get the job of my dreams. I have been constantly comparing myself with other people, comparing my almost non-existent achievements with their awesome resumes.
But then, during some moments of clarity I also think that high-school me or bachelors me would have sold a hand to be at the university and in the position I am in now.
This probably wont reach many people and most of all is a reminder for myself.
Everybody has their own strengths. Some do not manifest for a long time, while others might be useful on a daily basis. Just remember this:
- If you keep carrying the same bricks you will build the same house every time. Try and recognize what is going wrong in your life and try to make little changes, as bigger ones tend to make you feel worse than before.
- If you keep following other people, you will never be first. Stop comparing yourself with other people. Get rid of Instagram, LinkedIn or whatever might make you compare with others. Focus on improving every day so that you can say you are better than yesterday. If you compare yourself to others, your rate of growth will be zero. If you compare to yourself, you will grow more steadily.
There is a myriad of things I would like to add, but it is late at night and I am in need of resting. Just remember that everything in life happens for a reason and even though you might not see it at first, it will make sense in the future. You will never be faced with challenges that you cant take on. Even if you fail, get up and show them that you believe more in yourself than their words.
