I grew up fully catholic, which, yeah. You can guess a lot of things about me from that statement. I did the whole shebang growing up, baptism, first communion, confession, i served as an altar girl a few times, and finally, confirmation, which means i basically locked in Catholic God as my final answer. They make you do confirmation when you're an adult (14 years old), the idea being you do it on purpose after your brain has fully developed. My sunday school teacher told us, this one is your choice. But was it really? Lets look at my environment. Me, 14 years old. I am still living with my parents at home. My mom and dad are really catholic, and they really want me to get confirmed. So, i just do it. If it makes them happy, whatever. My motto for life. I go up there and lie and say I have a perfect, beautiful faith.
But inside, i have Questions. I'm not sure every thing is happening for a reason. I have things in the text I agree with and things disagree with. I have my own Interpretations. I am a Debbie Doubter. I never get to enjoy the peace that comes with believing someone's got it all covered, and its not for lack of wanting. I LIKE the idea of community. I like living in service of others. I just dont know if i believe in anything 100% like they want me to. Like I can hear the truth as they say it but my mind just starts biting it, shaking it around, leaving bits of it everywhere.
So I get confirmed. I move to my own place in uptown. I get a little experimental with religion. Buddhist temple. There's a form you can fill out to say why you're there today, one option being "just visiting." Thats me! The usher says, go ahead, go up to the shrine, clap twice, and bow. I do it for him specifically. I don't know if i did it right but he seems happy.
Non denominational christian church. The pastor says, we're celebrating three new pastors graduating, get some cake in the back! I do. I write in their book, "I dont know you. But congrats!" They gave speeches and I think they did well. They are around my age but so confident in their life choices that I'm actively jealous. I'm still looking for something that feels like religion but i don't know what that is yet.
My mom says, "you're still looking for your church, huh?" You know me, mom. Always got to make it harder on myself. Messing around with these false idols. Taking the long way around. Kinda. She says, "Why don't you go to a catholic one?" There's a catholic church right outside my apartment. I go. My mom says i have to at least once and i do it for her. But its been a few years and I barely remember any of the prayers. And they changed some of them, what the hell? What does consubstantial mean? I can't even do the apostles creed. All those years of waking up at 7 for sunday school and I still felt like an outsider.
I go to uptown Baptist church. The pastor says, "God's love is like a parent's: unconditional." I start sobbing. He continues, "I dont need to explain to my son I love him just because he exists. I just do." Fully weeping at this point. And im making it worse because I'm trying to hold it back, which prolongs the breakdown way past if I just let myself feel it. Just me wiping my face with my sleeves for the whole hour sermon. You're telling me i spent all these years feeling guilty for a sin i did not commit, and other people get this?
I left light headed and it was already night. I walked around in a daze. I never did go back to that church after that. Too embarrassing. And what if they cut me to the core again? I couldn't do that another time. Not yet. I found what i was looking for. And I found i wasnt ready for it.
At least i know if im ever ready for it, it's out there waiting for me. Someday, Someday.
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