babbling cuddlefish

[cuddlefish86]

So I'm done living in insanity and expecting a different result. I need to make changes on my life. So I made one small one like give the boot to someone I thought was friend. I've done nothing wrong to this chick but be a good friend. But when she loses touch with reality I'm some kinda whore and she spies bullshit out her neck to my boyfriend. So do I keep forgiving her and just let it slid. There are consequences to our actions. I shouldn't have to keep on the defence when when a friend or family is around. Love and support is what that shits suppose to be about. I'm not saying I'ma complet angel in the situation. I've caused my fair share of damage and mistrust. But I will not let that be held over my head when I've done everyhing put it behind me a correct the poor choices I've made in my past.

[cuddlefish86]

Some times I start and can't turn it off. The snow ball is in motion. And I can't stop it. Other times you instigate it. I'm not the only one to blame and your not innocent and done nothing wrong. My feelings were very hurt tonight. No matter what your hands don't belong on me or vise versa. you've broken

My rib, bust my face open, and yes even hit me like a man. And your arguing semantics. You justify your wrong doin. And acknowledge your aware of what your doing. I can't even blame a black out. You say you love me. But you don't, you recent me. I know I'm hard to love. And my its hard to not look back at the damage I caused. But you can't seem to let it go. So I think I'm gonna go this time cause I'm done being the cause of your pain. I don't wanna hold you back of your true potential

[cuddlefish86]

Another restless night. Where I can't turn off my overthinking. I made a really good friend here In AZ. She's pretty awesome and I kinda idolized her before she got her bf. She had her shit pretty together. And now she's leaving for Colorado to be with her kids and grandkids. I wish I could go with her. I want outa here so bad. But I'm hella stuck. She was also my rock kinda. I'm not good with good byes. And I'm kinda falling apart inside. I really hope I make it there too and see her again. I'm really gunna miss her. you go girlfriend! I wish you the best

[cuddlefish86]

My hands get clammy and my anxiety is though the roof. It been 2years since I seen my kids last. It'll be a couple months still till I might get to see them. It's all up in the air still. By my mom's approval. She can be a hard shell to crack rightfully so. But I feel like I got to have a phD in children phycology to see the kids. Again I'm overwhelmed and defeated. I can't change the past or take back the damage I've already caused. I'm not trying to cause more. I never stop wanting to be in there lives. I was dealing with some struggles, grief, pain,and issues that took away from my children. And all I got are apologizes and half cocked promises. I probably never be as good as a parent as my mom did for them. I just want to be a part of their lives and watch them grow. Help Heal the damage I caused if givin a chance. So they don't grow to be dysfunctional and the damage can come to an end.

[cuddlefish86]

Late night thoughts... The Lord ask me to be still. And I immediately have a million questions come to mind. For how long? Can I sit and do a project; does that count? Do i have to meditate too? What the heck are the parameters to being still. Why can't we walk and talk? I feel a heavy sigh coming on and the feeling of being defeated. Does sleeping count. I need to get a wrap on this being still thing. Cause I feel like I'm missing things and fighting a losing battle with myself. Can someone tie me to a chair and duck tape my mouth so I can get God's message. I feel like I'm losing important info.

[cuddlefish86]

It's Sunday and im greatful to be breathing. Why? Cause I seen the darkest side of me. The side that didn't want to go any further, that gave up on life. I was living moment to moment in my grief and guilt of my past. Dragging into my present. And destroying my future. The drugs kept me under it's thumb. Living in constant psychosis, and my judgement day to pay was everyday. Running circles just wishing to be forgiven so I can move forward in my life. And it never coming. But my chains are breaking. Link by link... what binds me yesterday doesn't today. My life's not perfect and I'm a work in progress. I'm okay with who I am today and still striving to the woman I want to be tomorrow. Im being stripped of the woman of this world and God is making my life better in all aspects. I'm so greatful. I still have a long road ahead. But I'm secure cause God's got me.

[cuddlefish86]

Everyday I wake up is a blessing. Thank you for another day not promised to me. Every time I got high was a struggle that wasn't ready to face. My battle is already won in God's name. I'm going through the hardest chapter in my life it feels like I'm defeated. But know somebody got my six. Why else would I still be here?