Journal

Just a girl who thinks and feels a lot 

[cukiyo]

Was feeling okay until we did a fucking workout and then went downhill like fuck.

It's so hard and I have no motivation and I don't care and I don't understand why I should put myself through that when I've been working all day and I'm so tired and almost everything in my day is things I have to do that I don't want to. It's like there's nothing in my life that's for me and enjoyable left It's all just societies slave.

My s/o was asking me about techniques and I don't know, I wish I was dead, writing about it just dwells on it, and I feel empty and dead and blank and hopeless nothing else means anything it's like I'm a ghost trapped for no reason, endless suffering.

In that moment I am thinking about going out and taking drugs with a likeliness of bas side effects, trying to get raped or assaulted because those things make.more sense to me.tjan why I shouod keep taking sachets because my bodies fucked and they won't help me.

[cukiyo]

Struggling so much with my mental health

I'm so beaten down and tired and alone and in pain and I don't feel like there's anyone I can go to for helo and support.

In trying so hard and I had a good week or two but then the period cloud comes and destroys me and I have had 2 weekends if breakdown and co-dependant issues and struggle to get through each day.

Finally had 2 groups from a CMHT thing, first was okay and the second wasn't great. I don't get how the group is gunna help qhen I feel like I need intense 121 therapy. There's only 2 of us service users and we are both on holiday alternating weeks coming up, they have said there's nothing for 2 weeks to 'be fair' and 'because its a group' which feels like a kick in the fucking face because I need help.

Also they don't do personal CAT maps in the group, if they aren't gunna give me personal support then how is this glijg to help me for fucks sake.

I wish the people in these jobs would suffer and die and imagine killing them sometimes.

It's like they are watching me die and bleed and they just don't care and its my issue ti deal with.

What if I can't.. suicide seems my only option.

Just sat to try and journal and look at toolkit/toolbox ideas but I barely feel able to look at articles about it without breaking down because everything sounds impossible.

There are so many barriers and I don't have anyone to talk to so I don't know what to do about them and how to process them.

I just don't understand how I can survive in this world with hardly any support system surrounded by pain

I'm struggling to work part time hours even though its not enough money. It's pulling me in opposite directions. What am I supposed to do? I just don't understand.

In constantly drowning, even if I'm not it feels never ending. My bad days consumer me and eat away every good thing I have and leave me with nothing. ⁶

[cukiyo]

Walking to work this morning and this little patch of blue sky and white clouds to the right of the building made me cry. It was the first thing that allowed me to focus and breathe this morning, to see light and hope and something that's worth trying for when I feel ready to collapse and give up.

Mornings and winter and the cold are all hard and exacerbate all my anxieties and struggles.

Things have been building up and now I'm in a hole.

How is one person supposed to manage and process all.the constant thoughts, intrusive and others ie without someone to constantly talk to and get support from.

It's so hard

[cukiyo]

Sleep is the best time

The only safe, happy time where sadness isn't lurking in each passing minute

[cukiyo]

Love changes as you get older, I'm really struggling with my feelings a lot in the last year

Some people you feel it more and others now

But only being with people who have that intense attraction doesn't seem right or healthy anymore

Someone I spoke to said it needs to be calmer and deeper

When I'm struggling i wonder if it just means being with someone who's a friend and can keep you alive

When it gets so hard to survive on your own

How do you know who is the right person and how you know how you feel, its so stressful

Don't have a good relationship with my dad

So even trying to spend time with him is hard

[cukiyo]

Monday off work

Woke up and went for breakfast, didn't get up in time to take my tablets or drink any water because I'm struggling with depression and ahicidal thoughts so bad

Came home and napped for a few more hours because being awake is hard atm

Woke up very warm and dod some washing up, because it's fucking constant, thinking about not eating much so there's less to clean

Saw an article about euthanasia and thinking about the idea of doing it for myself due to mental health but don't really have anyone to talk to about it

Getting through the week is overwhelming

Driving test and lessons coming up and I don't even feek anything about it because I'm hoping I won't be feeling like this or alive much longer

Keeo thinking of suicide scenarios and just hoping all this pain will end

[cukiyo]

It feels like no matter what you do and how hard you try it's never going going get better.

Trying to tidy my house but it never ends

[cukiyo]

Struggling really bad with depression and suicidal feelings

Hope I can make it through winter

💀

[cukiyo]

Reading

The last book I read was the salt water path

The book I'm currently reading is the midnight library by matt haig. I think this book has confirmed to me that matt haig is my all time favourite author.

This book hits me in a way that the best books do.

It's made me cry in in good way multiple times. Twice yesterday lunch time.

You fall in love with books in some similar ways that I do with people.

There's that pull, to be around and read more. The enjoyment of the experience that you want to go back and remember it positively. It revives emotions and feelings in you that you might not have felt for a while. It lights you uo, touches your core. Opens your mind and re-centers you.

When I read the pages and sentences where the book talks about the want to die, exploring that feeling and trying to understand it. I felt that, it's something I've experiences qhite a few times.

Then realisation of wanting to live. Of hope and inspiration and beauty and connection. Shifting your perspective and focus, it helps to bring you back to a neutral of not more hopeful mindset. Time to think and be without the darkness.

Books are less complex and multifaceted that oeople and easier to comprehend. Maybe this makes it easier to love them, they don't make mistakes and choices that hurt us in the same ways.

Feeling so hopeful and enlightened today because of this book 🤍

[astrangerlately]

[cukiyo]

Saw him at the weekend

Omg I love this man, his voice and his words and his heart so much. Such good feels from his music ❤

[cukiyo]

It's Thursday so I'm almost through my first week back to work and doing full time hours

Little bit tired but managing managing get good amount of sleep and finding the evenings a bit meh but it's all going medium good so that's a little achievement 😀

[memeuplift]

[cukiyo]

F 13/08/21

My mum said something upsetting on Tuesday and I was with a few family members. I was clearly struggling and one of them checked on me but the other two didn't. They haven’t reached out since. 

Maybe they think it’s better to just leave you to get on with it and pretend its fine, but I prefer knowing people actually care. With BPD I guess we get wrapped up in our own emotions but still I have high standards and I wouldn't see someone I love in pain and struggling and not reach out to check on them. 

I really struggle with the older generation and some of their shitty attitudes. 

I know we are more sensitive and maybe get upset more, but it’s because we have higher standards, we know what they did isn’t okay but we have to deal with the consequences. Denial and being oblivious and lack of awareness makes it easy to keep doing the wrong things. I and I believe others like me aren't that selfish and stubborn. We aren’t just going to repeat the same shitty patterns of abuse that they did. I would rather be upset than go around causing other people trauma and abusing them.

Events always give me anxiety because of pressure and expectations but It’s my birthday soon and I feel weird about it. One of the things I keep thinking about is I have spend over half my life struggling with mental health, which is sad. I have probably wishes I was dead every year for more than half of them too. I am still here though, must be a reason I guess unless its just dumb luck and random. 

Maybe knowing so much about mental health makes it harder, when I’m struggling I think, would this be different if this didn't happen and they didn't do this. I bad rumination loop to get stuck in as we cant change the past only the future. 

Positive things to take forward -

I will not make the same mistakes and bad choices as my parents and other abusers who aren't related to me. 

I will be better than them, I will improve on their mistakes. I haven't ever hit, threatened or emotionally abused a child and I like to think that will never change. 

I will keep working on leaving the difficult emotions in the past and letting them go and moving forward 

[thepeacefulgarden]

[cukiyo]

Here comes the depression and numbness again crashing through everything - it's kind off okay though, it's like a 0.6 so I can get through it 👏🏻

How do people ever had a positive relationship with abusive parents, wonder if it's better to be the old generation who just are insensitive and get on with it causing more and more trauma. I guess not, don't wanna be like that.

[melindacarolinee]

[snorlax-and-co]

To all the survivors out there..

[cukiyo]

30 next month feels pretty surreal when you've been wishing you were dead for more than half of your life

🤷🏼‍♀️💀