Culture Counsel

At times, we just need a quick preview of our Journey thus far. Where we have come from, What we had been exposed to and How we have grown.

[culturecounsel]

"Most people know me, but don't know my story. At the age of 3, I watched my father leave. I attended four different high schools and struggled with dyslexia, making my education more challenging than it is for most. Eventually I left high school without earning a diploma. At the age of 23, my closest friend River Phoenix died of a drug overdose. In 1998, I met Jennifer Syme. We fell instantly in love and by 1999, Jennifer was pregnant with our daughter. Sadly, after eight months, our child was born stillborn. We were devastated by her death and it eventually ended our relationship. 18 months later, Jennifer would died in a car accident. Since then I avoid serious relationships and having kids. My younger sister had lukemia. Today she is cured, and I donated 70% of my gains from the movie Matrix to Hospitals that treat leukemia. I am one of the only Hollywood stars without a Mansion. I don't have any bodyguards and do not wear fancy clothes. And even though I'm worth $100 million, I still ride the subway and I love it! So in the end, I think we can all pretty well agree that even in the face of tragedy, a stellar person can thrive. No matter what's going on in your life, you can overcome it! Life is worth living."

Keanu Reeves

[culturecounsel]

[culturecounsel]

Do not do what you cannot live with Do not write what you cannot face

Consequences

[culturecounsel]

"Getting clear on expectations is critical because the meaning we assign to a child’s behavior influences how we manage our own emotions and reactions to the behavior at hand. If we see the behavior as manipulative or purposely designed to drive us crazy, then we are much more likely to react in angry or harsh ways that escalate instead of calm our child. If, instead, we see these behaviors in the context of normal development, then we can approach our children with empathy and be more effective in teaching good coping skill"

[adoptedbythestars]

“I don’t [worry] because I am really clear in my head what it’s all about,” the actress tells Cooper. “The second you are handed a newborn, it is yours. It doesn’t matter what body it came out of. I’ve never felt more strongly about anything in my life.”

[adoptedbythestars]

“Adoption is an issue for everybody at all stages,” Curtis, who has two adopted kids domestically. “There’s tremendous loss and great love and great warmth.” To help bridge those feelings, she wrote the 1996 children’s book Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born, which has been embraced by adoptive families.

[adoptedbythestars]

Meg Ryan adopted a 14-month-old girl from China named Daisy True. “She is the daughter I should have. I never felt like I was on a rescue mission or anything like that. I just really wanted a baby; I was on a mission to connect with somebody, and Daisy and I got to meet each other this way at this time. We are so compatible.”

[adoptedbythestars]

At the age of 50, Diane adopted twice domestically. "Motherhood was not an urge I couldn’t resist,“ Keaton has said, "it was more like a thought I’d been thinking for a very long time.” In 1996 at age 50, the actress adopted daughter Dexter, now 16, followed by son Duke, 11, in 2001. The famously press-shy star, who shared her family 

[bourbontobabies]

Hi, I don't know much about the adoption process, but I'm a young girl and I'm expecting a baby this upcoming December. I would like to give my child up for adoption, as I am not financially, emotionally or physically prepared to bring up a child. Do birth mothers get to choose who the adoptive parents are? Do we get to meet them and interact with them, and make sure we feel that's a fit family for our children? I'm scared that if I do give her/him up, that I won't know who the parents will be.

In open adoptions you absolutely get to choose the family! In a lot of cases you get to know them over the course of your pregnancy, you can communicate through email or phone calls or in person visits at your agency or other locations depending on everyone’s comfort levels. Open adoptions are very common now and in an open adoption the expectant mom (that’s you) gets to pick the family who will raise your baby, you’d know their names and depending on the degree of openness you may even know where they live, be invited to their house, have regular visits with your child, etc. Adoptive parents (people like me) put together online profiles or hard copy books that explain who they are, share pictures, etc. Those parent profiles are often your first introduction to a prospective family but from there you can ask for more specific information or ask to meet them. (For example, here’s the one my husband and I gave our agency to show expectant moms in the hope that they’ll choose us.)

A lot of times in open adoptions an agreement is worked out so first mothers (that’s you again) can be a part of the child’s life. Sometimes this means the adoption triad (that’s everyone involved in the adoption: you, adoptive parents and an adoption professional) drafts a schedule for letters, pictures and visits. Sometimes those agreements change over time too. Here’s an article about different kinds of open adoptions. For my tastes it sways a little heavily towards the adoptive parents side of things, but it’s a brief overview at the concept at least. For a better understanding of what it’s like from your end of things, I’d recommend reaching out to some birth mother/first mother message boards or blogs to hear other people’s first hand experiences. 

Open adoptions can be done a few ways, you can contact an adoption agency in your area and have them help you find a family or you can look for a family independently. Once you find a family you’re interested in, they will likely refer you to their adoption agency, facilitator or lawyer. 

I’ve never placed a child for adoption so I really can’t speak to what kind of things you should look for in an agency but I can tell you that we chose to work with an agency instead of doing a fully independent adoption because we wanted the expectant mom who chose us to have access to resources like pre and post adoption counselling as well as support from an adoption professional. 

My husband and I are looking for an expectant mom on our own as well but even if we find someone online or in person outside of the agency, we’ll still refer them to our agency so they can access those resources. I hope you’re able to find a family that can offer or help you access those same kind of resources as well. And I hope you find a family that fits with how you want your baby to be raised. 

You have a big choice ahead of you and one I imagine will be almost unbearably difficult. But if you want to do an open adoption plan, I know there are people out there who would love to welcome you into their family along with your baby. 

(In fact, I know of several other adoptive families who are currently home study approved and are looking for a mom just like you. If you’re interested and feel comfortable messaging me off anon, I would love to give you some details about them or how to find them online to look into them yourself. I absolutely don’t want to make you feel like I’m pushing any adoptive family on you however, so if that’s not something you’re comfortable with I completely understand.) 

I wish you nothing but the best of luck and I hope you get the support you need while you’re making this decision. Please also remember that if you do decide to parent, even if you’ve already chosen a family to place with, there is no shame in that and that you are absolutely allowed to do that. It’s a very brave thing to choose an adoption plan, but it’s just as brave to decide to parent as well. Those birth mother message boards I mentioned above might be a really good resource not just for more information on doing an adoption plan but also for support during your pregnancy and beyond as well, whether you decide to place for adoption or parent, having a support network will be really helpful I think. 

One last caveat: I’m new to this whole thing. I am by no means an adoption expert. I’m currently in the process of trying to adopt through open adoption and I am passionate about making that experience as positive for everyone involved as possible. But again, not an expert. Cannot stress that enough. I hope that this response has given you some ideas for where you can find more appropriate answers but please don’t take what I’ms saying as gospel. I have never been in your shoes and can’t even imagine how difficult this is for you. 

I don’t know who you are but I am keeping you in my heart today. xo

[adoptedbythestars]

In March 1993, Michelle Pfeiffer adopted a baby girl domestically. “I was shocked at the prejudice, voiced in some quarters, over my decision to adopt a mixed-race baby. It’s really surprising that people still put so much emphasis on it. None of us are pure anything. We’re all a mixture. Claudia is a beautiful child, and some of the most beautiful people I’ve seen in the world have been of mixed race. As mother of both an adopted child and my own birth-child, there is absolutely no difference in the huge amount of love I feel for both my children. I always knew I wanted to adopt a child and also have one of my own. There is no difference at all.”

[realtalksexadvice]

I see that you're looking into adoption and I'm wondering if you've considered adopting from foster care? I know a lot of people want newborns or infants, but often they have very young children as well, so you'd still get to see them grow up and all that. Congrats and good luck whatever you choose!

We have considered it. It’s not the best choice for our family right now.

I’ve written about why we made that choice here and here and here.

The bottom line is this: for where we are at in our lives right now, an infant adoption is best for us. We considered all the options and this is what we decided was best for our family. We would like the opportunity to grow as parents with a child. We have the space and means for an infant right now, but need some time to work up to an older child. We would like the experience of having a baby as well. We hope to adopt an older child in a few years. We hope we are able to be a foster family in the future as well. We have plans for our family, this is just the first step.

And I’m going to be brutally honest here, every time we get a suggestion like this it hurts. I battle, CONSTANTLY, with feeling selfish for even wanting a child at all, let alone a newborn.

I know these asks are well meaning, but I urge you moving forward to resist the impulse to send a “why don’t you just adopt” message to someone suffering through infertility, a “why don’t you adopt an older child” to someone struggling to find an adoption placement or any other variation of this kind of message.

Please trust that people who are opening their hearts and homes to any child, be they biological, foster or adoptive, have considered which option is best for them and their situation. People pursuing IVF or other reproductive assistance methods know that adoption is an option. People pursuing international adoption know that domestic adoption is an option. People who are adopting infants know older child adoption is an option. It’s not like we don’t know that other options exist, it’s that we’ve already done the research and decided this one is the best for us for now.

These choices are not easily or flippantly made. Each one of them requires considerable resources, both emotionally and/or monetarily, to execute. Anyone actively pursuing parenthood is likely doing it thoughtfully and with intention. Please trust them to know what is best for them and their family.

-Dani

[culturecounsel]

The day I found out that I was adopted- it was as though I woke up as someone else

[culturecounsel]

When I decided to publish a series of posts about adoption earlier this week, I didn't realise it was adoption week. How timely

[culturecounsel]

Change… I guess it could either be daunting or inspiring. The year ahead possesses many challenges. Who knows? It could be for the better. I already find myself to be more focused than I was earlier. Efficient use of time is almost essential these days. No time to play around.

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[culturecounsel]

[culturecounsel]

[psychotherapy]

I find one of the hardest things to do in our work, is to be able to hold what is emotionally coming across and not to get frightened and run away and not offer advice not tell people what to do. That is a tremendous difficulty and a great thing to do, right?

Leston Havens, psychotherapist (via psychotherapy)