what a twat

drug addict//bipolar I'm bad at doing drugs Clean since 7/16/20

[cunt-nuggetz]

I don't post here anymore

Unless I'm really struggling.

But right now I'm not sure where I'm at exactly and I want to write, but not in my journal, and I can't focus well enough to write what I really want to write.

[cunt-nuggetz]

I have an appointment with a new therapist on Wednesday. Hopefully this one is like Heidi and I can tell her about wanting to hurt myself without getting Baker Acted again.

Heidi was awesome, because even when she knew I was hurting myself, she didn't have me Baker Acted because she knew I wasn't going to do something worse.

Because even though I'm doing better than I was the day I got Baker Acted, I still want to hurt myself.

I still wanted to hurt myself the whole time I was in Park Royal, I just couldn't say it or I'd still be there.

I can want to hurt myself without acting on it, just like I can want to get high and continue to not get high. Just because I'm having those thoughts doesn't mean I'm going to do it.

[cunt-nuggetz]

❤️ my current therapist for not having me constantly Baker Acted because I keep fucking up

[cunt-nuggetz]

I didn't realize that today was the 1st until I saw a post about Jamie. About it being 7 years since she died.

I didn't realize it was July.

I hate July.

July and December are my least favorite months of the year. I hate them with a burning passion. As much as I don't want it to be August because that would mean I'd be back at work, I want it to be August.

[cunt-nuggetz]

Back to the void

I have no energy or motivation to do literally anything. The only things I am able to feel are anger, hate, and pain. Other than that I feel empty.

I can hardly even think, except about wanting to hurt myself or die. But deep down, I don't want those things. I'm tired of this bullshit. I'm tired of feeling so out of control.

Somebody asked me earlier if I was okay. All I could say is "I don't know". Then he asked if I'm stable. Again, "I don't know". I don't even know what stable is anymore.

I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't want to be here, and here is everywhere. Nothing feels right anymore.

But hey, at least I told my brain to fuck off so I can actually dissociate again.

[cunt-nuggetz]

What is the purpose of existence? Why the fuck am I here and not already dead? I honestly didn't plan on living this long and have no idea what the point of being alive even is. I don't want to be alive.

If the point of life is to work and then die, what's the fucking point? There has to be more to life than this misty grey nothingness that I'm feeling, because if there isn't, there's no point in living, not like this. I hate emotions, but I hate the void more.

[cunt-nuggetz]

C R A Z Y

The void is bad right now.

The Intrusives are bad right now.

I'm struggling to hold on and not slip away into the nothingness. I want to hold on. I don't want to fall away.

But it's so hard.

[cunt-nuggetz]

Fighting the urges is exhausting

All I want to do is go to sleep, but all I can think about is hurting myself again. I don't want to hurt myself, but I still do. I just want my brain to stop so I can sleep.

[cunt-nuggetz]

It is okay to not be okay.

I don't remember the last time I was actually okay, I'm always either depressed as shit or manic as fuck and both are equally bad. I want to get better, but I don't know who I am without my mental illness. I feel like I'm losing a part of who I am whenever I start doing better. I just want to be okay.

[cunt-nuggetz]

I'm in a crisis, I need help

Come on mood shift, shift back to good again

[cunt-nuggetz]

PURE // VOID

I feel nothing

I think nothing or nonsense

Witch house is void music

Can't sleep//sleep too much

Brain fog but with clarity

Chill and spacey

Dissociation

Empty, but not like a hole, just nothing

Wavy static//blobby static

NEUTRAL

Not happy or sad, just flat

No manic or depressive tilt

IS THIS HOW NORMAL PEOPLE FEEL?

[is-this-a-stickup]

I am not okay.

I don't normally post this kind of shit here because I have a blog dedicated to this shit, but I need somebody other than me to see this so I know it's really real.

Everything is all wavy, but my brain is mostly flat with sharp spikes.

I'm starting to slip again and don't know how long I can fight it.

I am not okay.

I'm really struggling right now. Struggling not to get high, not to blow up my life, not to hurt myself.

I really want to hurt myself. I've been doing so good. It's been over a month since I've intentionally hurt myself (not counting the tattoos I've given myself). The thoughts haven't been there, but they're slipping back in. It's starting to get bad.

I want to feel something again. I want to be more than just uncomfortably numb and flat. I'm tired of surfing the void. I want to feel. I want to get high so fucking bad but I know better than to do that. So if I can't get high to feel, what does that leave me?

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be a burden and bother people with my problems. I pretend my problems aren't real. I isolate myself and end up feeling alone. I always hope things will get better, but they don't, and I'm starting to lose hope.

Fuck.

[cunt-nuggetz]

Hahaha Baker Act me, Cap'n!

[cunt-nuggetz]

Can't think

Can't feel

Can't sleep

Cold hands

Cold feet

Self harm

No soul

[cunt-nuggetz]

I remember being in middle school and wanting to be an adult so I could hurt myself and not have anyone stop me.

[cunt-nuggetz]

Mentally preparing for the likelihood of a Baker Act when I tell the doctor I've been hurting myself again and having suicidal thoughts

[cunt-nuggetz]

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being such a fuckup. I'm sorry that I can't find gratitude for the little things in my life. I'm sorry that I can't do simple things because of my anxiety. I'm sorry for missing work for things that are all in my head. I'm sorry for being such a failure. I'm sorry that hurting myself is the only thing that helps. I'm sorry for isolating and not opening up. I'm sorry for being a burden.

I'm so sorry.

[cunt-nuggetz]

Have you ever taken a depression quiz and had it tell you to call the suicide hotline?

No? Just me?

Okay