Someone put me out of my misery (/affectionate)
"— and as you can see, the previous residents had this absolutely gorgeous black marble countertop installed in the kitchen. There is also a state-of-the-art range, and the fridge is brand new."
Jen chewed on the inside of her cheek, trying not to crack up as the prospective buyers following her made appreciative noises. Yeah, the previous residents. Right.
To be fair, if Jen told anyone that the house she had been selling over and over for years was actually a sentient being, they'd probably put her in a straitjacket. Maple — named, of course, for the maple structural beams she was made of, because of course — did a very good job of pretending to be a normal house. It was just when she was occupied by anyone that doors started opening on their own, mysteriois red puddles started seeping out of the floor, and wallpaper patterns started growing eyes.
As far as anyone else was concerned, the realtor that Jen worked for was just spectacularly unlucky.
"Maybe we'll tile over that," one of the interested buyers muttered to another, gesturing to the genuine mahogany floorboards in the living room. His accomplice nodded along. Jen felt her smile twitch.
"You said this place comes pre-furnished?" the third stooge asked. Jen nodded, trying not to show the righteous indignation she felt in her expression as the small pack of rabid house flippers salivated over all of the expensive, rare furnishings they thought they could ruin.
"Yes, everything you see here is included in the sale price. That's why the price is so high. That bureau, for example, is a genuine 1895 Earl Carpentry Company original!" She gestured to the bureau in question, currently decorated with an artful bouquet of rhododendron flowers in a nice vase atop a handmade dresser scarf.
The three clients observed the bureau, and when the silence stretched awkwardly, Jen cleared her throat. "Moving on to the first floor bedroom…"
Behind her, one of the morons she had the misfortune of showing around whispered to another, "we can paint that, right?"
When the showing was finally over, Jen closed the door behind the idiots three. Almost immediately, she pulled out her phone and deleted their contact. No, they wouldn't be getting Maple.
Without guests to entertain, Jen allowed her corporeal form to fizzle away. Gods, maintaining a physical shape was such a drag. At least she could file the necessary paperwork at the tax collector's office online, and the construction company she used didn't ask questions about their mysterious invisible customer.
Drifting into the sitting room, Jen brushed her hand through the petals of the rhododendrons lovingly. Around her, the house hummed.
"No, I know," Jen mused. "I don't think it's worth selling to them, either. Maybe to a nice elderly couple? You could scare them to death easily enough, and if we let the bodies rot for a couple weeks, their inheritors would probably want to just sell the place on…"
Jen settled on the cushion of the luxurious window seat, still deep in thought. Maple rumbled disapprovingly, reminding Jen about the recent renovations.
"I know we just put in that nice quartz tile in the bathroom. If we go for that plan, we would obviously steam clean whatever surfaces they died on." Jen flicked her gaze up to squint at a flickering light fixture. "I don't like it either, dear."
Comfortable silence settled over them, and ghost and house each considered their options.
"Well," Jen said eventually, picking herself up and drifting towards the kitchen nook where she kept her work things, "might as well look for a new target."