The thing about creativity and art to me
Up until earlier this year I had been writing my fiction novel. It was many, many years in the making and in the final year of it, I was able to focus on it so much, putting other things aside, finding satisfaction in it every single day and having many people admire my conviction to really go through with it.
Well, I finished it. I mean, as much as I could finish it. I finished it as much as I could before I let outside forces in on it: feedback, revision, consideration, plans, time passing. At this point I'm not sure that I'll ever be done with it.
The thing that was done though, was focus.
I couldn't focus on completing my story anymore - that was done. And then I struggled to focus on walking the path towards publication. Among the many reasons for that included my never being super sure that writing a book was actually my thing. I wrote "a book" because I needed to write this story that lived in my head for 1-2 decades. But I never felt certain, that a book was the way to express my voice.
And then I hired an editor who confirmed that notion, which was good, in one sense. They were direct and honest. And it made me face reality. I still see a lot of truth in what they said.
But what they also did was to shatter my little bit of self esteem and hope that I had for the story and my skills. While trying to keep a friendly tone, they conveyed that I must have never heard of "show, don't tell" and that I should start attending some workshops since apparently I hadn't understood anything about writing. My story isn't publishable and even if I rewrote the whole thing for a few more years, there may be no hope whatsoever that I could ever publish it. The reason I wasn't able to write an exposé isn't because I struggled with conveying my story clearly, it was because my story wasn't clear to begin with. It might be enough to give it to a few friends and family who appreciate it.
It was a very hopeless, defeating conversation and it made me feel stupid and naive. I do accept and appreciate the truth in those words, but there was a cruelty underneath that said "You don't know how it's supposed to be done. How dare you" - at least that's what I perceived.
And then in the following days and weeks and months I started to go within. To explore what I want and what my voice is. I shouldn't focus solely on facing my creativity outward but I can't help but want to put something out into the world after all these years of only having worked creatively for others.
But creativity really - that's what I'm coming to understand more than ever now - for me is a way to exist mindfully in this world. The joy comes from being present with the thing that was or is being created. I didn't think I would ever say this, but I found a profound sense of fascination, awe and inspiration in taking photos of flowers. It's become a meditation for me.
My macro lens truly is teaching me a thing or two about focus. About looking closely. About discovering more of what's already there. The camera has become a meditation tool for me and is showing me that for me creativity is mindfulness. Mindfulness is creativity. I don't need to achieve. Observing, often, is enough.
Depending on where the focus goes, completely new images can arise, new details come to light, literally. New sets of colours and textures. And then the next day, it can all be gone, wilted or a new flower may have blossomed that was only a green speck the day before.
It's all transient.
So, my mind has been scattered as fuck. I have a thousand ideas and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere with anything, as if I was stuck. And that's frustrating, to say the least.
But now, my mission for this season is to focus. Focus on the joy of mindful creativity. I have a new project for my story and I want to see if my voice comes through with this one. It's not going to be a book. I'm leaving the book behind. But as a wild creative multimedia scholar, freelancer and low key artist, I decided I'm going to not give a crap about how things are supposed to be done. I don't want to put my voice into a pre-arranged box that it can't fit into anyway. I'm exploring my own creative expression and I'm trying my darndest to stick with it and to leave the doubts by the wayside.
If any of this resonates with you, I would love to hear from you, your project and your experience. Let's fuel creativity.
