zozo

trying to remain somewhat anonymous so I can keep venting freely... they/them | old enough to know better

[curlyspeaks]

i am but a leaf, chaotically floating with the wind. I haven't a clue where I'll land, or whether or not I'll wither before ever touching the earth again. all the while seeming blissful to those who watch, sat on the park bench.

[curlyspeaks]

guess this has become a once-a-year thing where i suddenly remember my acc exists, post something where i inevitably pour a piece of my soul into and then promptly forget about til next year... oh well

how you doing tumblr? ive been on a journey since last i wrote, lost bits of myself, found new ones... in concrete terms, i finally finished my fucking degree! and started a new one... i dont know even good things feel eh, ive been off meds and havent gone to therapy for about 8 months, ive gotten several severe urges to c** BUT i made it through without it! i feel disconnected with a part of me but i have no idea which...

----------BRIEF POSITIVE NOTE-----------

on another note ive never been more connected to a very specific part of me... i think im ready to start hrt, i still very much identify as nb and a they/them but i do feel like know transitioning will soothe some dysphoria even if it doesnt kill it completely... just having made ul my mind and admiting it to close people felt liberating

----------------------------------------------

but idk i permanently feel like an observer of my own life, things happen, i make decisions, i react, but it all feels automatic and as if im watching it on a screen, im trying to reconnect with old friends and see if thatll shake things up but idk life isnt very fulfilling, life just is what it is and i always expected it to be more i guess...

[curlyspeaks]

I'm tired of losing my sense of self so often

[curlyspeaks]

I remember this app providing a safe space from the algorithms of the more popular social media, I remember Tumblr users rising against policy changes from admins, an occasional and here and there but in large part an ad free social media that was beholden to its community.... where did all that go?

[escuerzoresucitado]

[bekgoldblog]

New work uniform

[curlyspeaks]

I don't know I'm still on this app, I used to use it for finding comfort and sympathy for my mental struggles but every day this formerly incredible platform grows more and more vacant, it feels lonelier than ever on here and basically any big platform.... it seems that the more we strive to connect with each other, the lonelier we actually get, I'm not even sure I remember some of the faces of people I used to call best friends, would they recognize me on the street if they saw me? more than that, if they did would they even say hi? or would they walk faster and pretend it didn't happen? hell I don't even know if I know how I'd react, would I say hi?

I don't know what I'm saying anymore, I'm so fucking tired

[curlyspeaks]

I hate the fact that I have to breathe, exist and be perceived

[curlyspeaks]

every single fucking time I feel I'm starting to actually get better and that my meds are finally working my brain to find brand new ways of humbling me.

fucking hell, the whole world is overstimulating, these last few days were too chaotic and have made me reconsidering the whole "not getting high to tune out the world" thing.

it's no wonder the best part of this summer so far was to go to the river and letting myself go with the strong current, feeling nothing but the cold water and the sun on my face as I watched the trees go by... I think I'll cherish the memory of that fleeting moment forever.

[jordanbolton]

To The Substitute Art Teacher - Jordan Bolton

[curlyspeaks]

I've been barely posting here, not sure why... maybe it's the fear of repeating myself so much that you - whoever you may be - will get bored of me...

logically it makes no sense, I don't even know you, why would your thoughts have this much weight? wasn't the whole point of posting here to be able to speak freely?

I don't know anymore, sometimes it gets better, sometimes not so much, I'm tired of this cycle

[curlyspeaks]

what u look like fam

high and burnt out

[curlyspeaks]

it's getting exhausting being let down by people you thought you could count on

[hellokittyshinkansen]

Why are antidepressants like. A Faustian bargain where u trade Ur panic attacks for fourteen hours sleep a day

[tothedogsorwhoever]

Remeron:

You can't be anxious if you're unconscious.

[bocchigoblin]

[curlyspeaks]

hey everyone...

I'm writing here again so you already know what's going on, I feel like I'm on a loop, whenever I genuinely start feeling better I end up crashing down and when it gets real bad I find myself writing and being active here again....

I know relapse is part of the process but I doubt there's even really a process at this point, my relapses keep undoing all the progress and I have to start from scratch. I haven't been to my therapist in 4 ish months and haven't had meds for longer than that, part of it isn't my fault since the healthcare system in my country is collapsing and it takes months to get an appointment, part of it however is also my fault in delaying getting help. I'm hoping that writing this makes me snap back and call my therapist but honestly I'm not sure that'll happen any time soon.

I suck at being in a relationship and I genuinely think I'm not cut out for this, I keep disappointing them no matter how hard I try.

I'm at a point where I really don't know what the fuck to do anymore, the bl∆de is looking like a possibility again, it's been a while since I've put it to use and I'm starting to think that that is what I'm doing wrong.

I really don't know anymore...

sincerely,

Zozo

PS: haven't talked about it but yeah I've been starting to use zozo as my online persona

[curlyspeaks]

hey tumblr, it's been a minute,

I've been trying my best to get better over the past few months... it's not working, if anything I'm worse than ever.

this exam season got rid of every tiny bit of stability I had, as a result I started smoking more often, to the point where it's been daily, more than once a day. wake and bake has been the routine. and some family members are starting to notice and have interventions. thing is they have no idea what it's like and it shows, thank fuck none of them are psychs because their interventions just make things worse.

I've been more on edge, having bursts of intense emotions more often and swinging from one to the other at a faster rate than I can keep up. smoking helps with that, which is why I've relied on it so much. there was one day where out of nowhere I just kicked everyone out of the house for a couple days and I didn't leave my room, I barely opened the blinds and I cut myself again after ages of being SH free. I'm not proud of it. it's a vicious cycle because I hate myself more for it and that makes me want to cut more...

haven't done anything in a couple days tho, as soon as my exams ended I just had to leave everything for awhile so I'm on holiday for now, going back the day after tomorrow. the holiday didn't help. at all. my mental health is still going downhill, I still want to kms, cut, smoke, drink...

however today I did something I always swore I wouldn't do and I'm hating myself even more than I would if I had cut, I self medicated, I'm currently in a blissful state that I'm perfectly aware is a direct result of the meds.

...

I don't know anymore

I've been saying I want to kms for years but as time goes on that desire is only growing, I have no clue how much longer I can hold on.

literally my only reason to not do it right now is that some people in my life don't deserve to go through loss, especially my parents, they're amazing parents and they really are good people... and yet it's all I can think about...

it's selfish, I know I'd cause them pain but still I wanna do it...

I'm just exhausted.