that chapter 3 oh, poor bucky. (and poor steve!) i know you said you weren't good with 5 things headcanons (lies btw all lies that post was great) but i need to know: 5 shitty excuses bucky considers giving steve/actually gives steve for his behaviour. 5 stupid and/or destructive things bucky does in an attempt to distract himself. im sorry but bucky angst fuels my life force.
Aww, thank you. And I am terrible at these, but they’re good exercise, right?
Five Shitty Excuses Bucky Considers Giving Steve/Actually Gives Steve For His Behaviour
Badmouthing Tony is easy. Hell, it’s too easy. The words fall from his lips without him even thinking about it. It’s almost as if he’s outside of himself, watching himself, as he hears the abuse coming out of his mouth. Steve looks sad, as though he’s misjudged him, and Bucky can’t find it within himself to shut the hell up. Later, at home, alone, he tries to justify his words, and wonders who he was really aiming them at.
"I’m just really tired, Steve. Coulson’s got me rewriting my essay and he’s pretty much said it’s shit but not in so many words." "Maybe you should read the book." "Maybe you should let me copy." Steve sticks his tongue out at Bucky, and Bucky elbows him gently in the ribs. Some days, it’s easy, and he almost forgets. Almost.
'Blondie' gets on his nerves. It's not like Bucky has dibs on Steve and nicknames or anything, but seriously. The fact Steve doesn't seem to mind drives him mad. “Seriously, Steve, he calls you Blondie.” “I don't mind.” “Maybe you should.” “Why's it bother you so much? It's just a name.” “You have a name, you don't need another.” “Then stop calling me 'punk'.” “That doesn't count.” “One rule for you and one for everyone else.” Steve jokes, but there's an edge to his voice. That's not it. It's something barely there, a wisp of something, a possessive streak Bucky hasn't fully realised. “Just don't think it suits you, is all.” He says instead.
"You fell asleep on me in English." Steve says. "I was tired." "I’m just glad there wasn’t drool."
Okay, kicking Tony in the ribs was not his finest moment. His head reels and he tries to find the words but instead he runs. His thoughts are a mess and he can’t order them. With the door shut in his face, he wishes he’d managed to say that Steve deserved better. Really though, that’s not it at all. He’s being selfish again.
(see the thing is, the next few chapters are full of Bucky trying to excuse his behaviour and then realising what a dick he’s been, so it’s really hard to write these and not spoil anything!)
Five Stupid And/Or Destructive Things Bucky Does In An Attempt To Distract Himself
He comes home with bruised eyes, sometimes a split lip. It’s so easy to antagonise the boys on the corner. The adrenaline hit of the fight is all encompassing, and he soon forgets everything but the urgency of the moment, of ducking punches and trying not to get hurt. And when his palms scrape the pavement, the pain is good too, because it gives him something else to think about.
Mouthing off in class isn’t something Bucky was prone to, unless it was to protect Steve. Generally he liked to skulk and watch the clock tick the minutes away. But lately he finds himself openly mocking teachers, muttering snide remarks and sarcastic comments. Steve elbows him in the ribs and gives him a stern look, shut the hell up, like. But he doesn’t. And so he spends the rest of the lesson in the hall outside the classroom, a note for detention in his pocket.
When everyone else has gotten ready for PE and has left the changing rooms, he goes through their pockets. He’s not looking for anything, and he never takes anything. He flicks through their phones and sometimes uses the Select All option to send texts. If anyone knows it’s him, they never say. He doesn’t care anyway. He’s finding he cares less about stuff every day.
Some evenings he doesn’t eat. He tells his mum he’s eaten at Tony’s, but really, he likes the feeling of his empty stomach, clenching and unclenching as it begs him for food. It stops him thinking of anything except food, except food makes him think of Steve, so it doesn’t really work. So he starts eating again. But he misses the emptiness, because it felt like he deserved it. He catches himself, sometimes, and wonders when things started to get so scary. And he promises himself he won’t let it get that bad again.
Except it does. Only once. And he hates himself for it the second it’s done and the blood springs from the cut. The pain is good but the shame and fear that someone will see it has him clutching the toilet seat as he retches. He clutches tissue to the wound, and urges it to stop bleeding. The red seeps through and he closes his eyes. Finally, the red stops, and he wraps the razorblade in tissue carefully and flushes it away with the bloodied tissue. He bandages his arm with supplies from the first aid kit above the sink. When his mum asks, he tells her he tripped. The look she gives him makes him want to run for the toilet again. Instead, he smiles and laughs about how clumsy he is, except he isn’t. Slowly, the cut fades from angry red to white, until it’s barely noticeable. Steve doesn’t notice it until one evening, when he’s pressing butterfly kisses to every part of Bucky’s skin. “How’d you do that?” He asks curiously. “Caught it on wire. Had to get a tetanus shot and everything.” Bucky lies. Because Steve doesn’t need to carry that burden.
That got dark quickly, and I’m really sorry about it. I just feel Bucky is the sort of person who’s reckless and, if there’s no-one else to lash out at, will lash out at himself. He’s at his lowest point right now in the fic, so I don’t think these are too out there. And I’m not trivialising or romanticising any of what he’s done. I know first hand there is no good there. Shying away from writing about something because it’s painful isn’t the answer. I hope I treated the issues delicately and without hyperbole.
(Why can’t I have ‘Five Times Bucky saw a dog and it made him smile’ or ‘Five Times Bucky laughed at a bad pun’ ACTUALLY DON’T ASK ME THOSE BECAUSE THEN I’D HAVE TO WRITE THEM.)