Dysphoria

Kathleen Naomi, 24. +63. A vision with nowhere to go.

[cutleansantos]

2ne4

Ahhh, another year of existence. 7 months spent in a quarantine. What a year! Crazy, eh?

[cutleansantos]

I actually don’t know where to start because I don’t know how I feel. I have grown numb all through this years and I can not push to my full potential. I don’t think that I grew and I can’t see the better part of me. 

I am not the same person that I used to be 3 years ago. I don’t know if I recognize myself at all. What if it’s all in my head and everything is just not as great at it seems to me. It’s like that Katy Perry song ‘Love Me’-- “ I lost myself in fear of losing you. I wish I didn't do, but I did.”  Life hasn’t been but great in general but I was kind of hoping that this won’t get too complicated that I need to think about it. I feel so lost and numb. Who am I?

[cutleansantos]

The fact that life isn't fair doesn't mean we shouldn't do everything in our power to improve our own lives or the world as a whole. To the contrary, it suggests that we should

Don’t sweat the small stuff... and it’s all small stuff // Richard Carlson, PH. D.

[itsboundtobetragic]

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

“Take A Breather, Superman”

[cutleansantos]

Day 47 of Quarantine

It has been weeks since the last time that I went out (except for going out for groceries). Life has been pretty good to me actually-- without thinking about the current situation of the whole world. I have this list that I have to accomplish during the ECQ where this follows:

Fix my Clothing Cabinet

Clean the front yard and backyard

Read books

Learn more about my job

Find an online job

As of this moment, I can say that I tick off 3/6 in the list but what’s much better is I did way too much than just finishing the list. All my life, I have been taught that lists always matter.. but you know what? Maybe the list is just a social construct and we are always meant to do things that’s not confined on our list.

Which takes me to the list of things that I have done this quarantine..

Baked oatmeal cookies - Probably the best that I did this time not only because it was something new, but also because it made me feel like I can do anything.

Enrolled to an online class - This time is the best time to learn more than what you already know and there’s no better way than enrolling in a Harvard Business class. I know, I know, everybody probably enrolled in this thing but what’s the harm right?

Did a weird painting - I do not have a talent with arts however, took chance to discover, paint, and relax the hell out of me after being pressures for so many things. Honestly made me think clearer and better.

Learned to love myself more - All these days, I have been always prioritizing other people.. and because of being at home for so long, it made me discover myself. It made me realize things and to take a breath whenever I make a decision. This life is too short and I do not want to spend another minute living it the way that I do not want. 

These times are crazy. Hell, it may be even crazier after this is over. Although one thing is for sure.. we are NEVER limited with what we have right now. We have infinite capacities in life and I think we should appreciate that more. Live it. 

[cutleansantos]

The world is a crazy place to live in, but it’s crazier in someone’s head where everything seems to be going non-stop. I have been thinking the past few days about how I feel so complete by being alone. I never thought that I can feel so whole by appreciating myself. 

I used to think that I always need a partner. Someone that I can to tell everything-- rant about little things, share my new found love of wine, cry about the last episode of Suits... Until I learned to tell myself about all these stories and how it makes me who I am.

Self love is hard but I am positive that it’s the purest form of all.

[rojnapat]

isn’t it insanely fucking wild how our entire way of living changed in just a couple of weeks. like. worldwide? the entire world changed COMPLETELY in just weeks. did we ever even imagine that humanity could change so easily in the middle of crisis? we were always taught that global changes take time and are hard to achieve, and just like that, we’re all suddenly living in completely different conditions, our mindset has completely changed and we’ve created new habits in no time, have incorporated the words “quarantine” and “infection/infected” to our vocabulary and drop them in the regular without even noticing it. it’s incredible the way this virus has exposed that many, many of the worlds problems can be solved just that easily, and we’ve been lied to our whole lives just because the people in charge don’t care about them

[poetic-pics]

Isn’t it funny…

[cutleansantos]

Whirlwind of Hope

In these times, when everything seems to be trusted to a leap of faith... all we can do is wish each other well. Sometimes, it’s just too exhausting to just open social media and read all these negativity. How people ill-wish each other due to their opinion when the truth is we just want this to be finished--to be done, to live.

Now this is a time to reflect and to realize that each moment is important. Each moment has a uniqueness of its own and never take it for granted.

[epiphanies]

Someone Great (dir. Jennifer Robinson, 2019)

[cutleansantos]

How can someone you have met only on a short period of time can mean the world to you now? I have always come to think that staying with someone is a decision that we make everyday but deciding doesn’t seem so hard when it comes to the right person. With you, everything fits perfectly, being happy isn’t always an option because it is always there. 

One and a half year doesn’t seem so long ago- seems like only yesterday, we were exchanging notes. I can still remember how you would leave medicine in my office desk but true enough you still do that until today. I can’t wait to have more stories to tell people around us about how amazing you are. 

You are my person.

[cutleansantos]

2 years

Honestly couldn’t believe how two years went by so fast. How everything changed- how I changed. I have always believed that life has a way of figuring itself out and guess what, it really does. There’s so much that I want to write down about those two years but what really matters is that I have surpassed two whole years without having to come back during my darkest of days. And yes, there might be bad days but it never outweighed the good ones.

I have been working for two years now. Kind of exactly the same time around the last time I got to post here. I have learned a lot these last two years and how life could be better despite of having a war inside your head. How beer tastes better than hard liquor and how I would prefer staying in than going out. Life has pretty much changed for me but I think everything made me a better person.

Had regrets about some life decisions, made mistakes, but no matter how bad the situation is, always got back up. 

What I learned during the past two years made me stronger, wiser, and better. Focused more on self-love and hoped for the best. 

[cutleansantos]

Where I am now: Location Unknown

[cutleansantos]

BACK AT IT AGAIN

Well, hello there tumblr. It’s been a while since I posted something regarding my life and yuuup, I’m still alive. So basically, a lot has happened during those moments that I haven’t posted. Life happened. The past few months were bittersweet to me.. from the thesis moments, the sabado inuman-slash-iyakan nights, the overnights, coffee at 11pm, food trips at different food parks, and of course, GRADUATION. Yes, I am now an alumna of Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila. Who would’ve thought that things will turn out to be okay? My college life was on hell of a ride. I am not over reacting but it was full of effort especially being a scholar. I started out as an Accountancy student which is not my choice in the first place. I GOT A FAILING GRADE. 5.00. I thought that this will be the end of me so creds to the one and only Father up there. Thank you for having my back. Fast forward to college life, irregular, damn I thought things would be easy but lol who am I kidding? But after about 2 years, I got along. Treasured some friends. Drank a lot of alcohol. Cried so much about acads and oh s/o to the ones who broke my heart during college. Read a lot of articles. And believed in God. I am sure that saying it was like going to hell and back is not an overstatement. Don’t get me wrong, I loved those four years but when I think of it all I can say is “fuck.”  BUT HERE I AM, writing and starting my first job at the 29th of May. I hope life will be just as easy as yesterday. But, this is life and I am more than ready to face everything that goes my way. 

[wnq-writers]

Sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself.
I’ve suffered so much self hate and resentment. 
That I realized this war within me had to stop. So I glanced at the mirror smiling at the lovely woman staring back.
And I admired her body with awe.
 So I told her that she is smart, kind, beautiful and strong.
While I vehemently chanted to every inch of her body, as resilient and wonderful. So now her beauty is embedded within my thoughts.
From that moment on I just knew it.
After hating her for all these years…..
I was finally loving her for the first time.

Loving Her For The First Time // Conee Berdera (via wnq-writers)

[wordsnquotes]

Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.

Bianca Sparacino (via wordsnquotes)