Being in your mid twenties and realising just how much your parents fucked you up is exhausting.
I have seen you twice in the past twelve years, yet the tone you used when you told me I was dead to you will never leave me.
You still tell me I'm not good enough, that it's my fault, that I could be perfect if I just tried harder.
He will always be with me, his voice always mine when I criticize myself.
I have seen how you changed, Mother, and where you haven't. I try to keep you in my life, even tho you where worse in so many way's.
The child in me is still afraid of you, still walks on eggshells and puts everyone before their own needs. Not just with you, Mother, but with everyone.
You have taught me from such a young age that I am responsible for others emotions, lest I be screamed at and told I should be happy that you do not hit me the way you've been hit as a child, that I should be grateful you did not lock me in the basement, only wearing my underwear in the middle of winter, since that was done to you. I wasn't even ten yet when you screamed this at me Mother.
Was I that unlovable? Was I born wrong? Was I to much of a mirror and you couldn't handle seeing your worst parts reflected back at you? What was is, Mother? What would bring you to treat a Child that way?
I must have done some things right when I was older, since you told me about all your problems when I was 15. When I was still a child, dealing with all the emotions that come with my parentage.
You told me you wanted to drive your car into a tree on your way to work.
You wanted me to be your therapist, your caretaker, your saviour.
You wanted me to be the person you never had growing up, and with that you refused me the parent I needed.
i hope you know why I didn't text you today.
romaincrisis
baratheonpilled
discoholicmusic
prguitarman
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