Sweet, but Deadly...

How do I know you're mad? Because you're here.....and everyone here is mad!

[cyanidefilledcandy]

You ever get anxious to relax?

I don't mean like you don’t want to relax because you think something bad will happen. But like the idea of the actual act of relaxing makes you anxious? :/

[cyanidefilledcandy]

...I lied. It is literally exactly because of the first reason. :P

Hooray, delayed processing! :D

[cyanidefilledcandy]

You ever get anxious to relax?

I don't mean like you don’t want to relax because you think something bad will happen. But like the idea of the actual act of relaxing makes you anxious? :/

[cyanidefilledcandy]

You know....I truly thank whatever watches over me for putting such wonderful people in my life.

I truly would not have survived adulthood without my parents and friends. 💜

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I REALLY wish I knew where my TENS unit was...or that I at least had a heating pad...

My back is FUCKED.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Just randomly remembered going to some out of state seminar thing with my class, they had a talent show and I actually worked up the nerve to sing.....and was promptly booed by the crowd. 🙃

[cyanidefilledcandy]

My psychiatrist never called...

But I'm the one resistent to treatment, right?

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I feel terrible...

I've literally been crying all day. I'm not even as depressed and sick anymore. I just can't stop.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I just remembered Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge!!! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

Perfect pickup album after an hour of pain and existentialism! 😊

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Uh oh... "Breaking the Habit" is coming up next...

Yall know my original interpretation was the complete opposite of what it was about? I literally the song was about letting go of pain and choosing life.

*sigh* My sweet summer self....I had hope back then...

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I found this meme on Reddit yesterday.

Bro, why is all my teenage angst music not only more relevant, but cut so much deeper? 🥲

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I'm in a rare moment where I can actually enjoy music and figured I'd indulge and relax for the first time in 3 weeks.

......why the fuck did I turn on System of a Down?

Like yall why is this album made in 2001 MORE relevant today? 🙃

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Yall....I just remembered Linkin Park's "Meteora" exists...

[cyanidefilledcandy]

I'm trying my hardest not to call my dad and stress him out, but Jesus fuck! I need someone right now!

[doctorwhogifs]

[cyanidefilledcandy]

On some lighter news, soup worked. Today at least. I'll see how I do tomorrow. Since this has been happening, whenever I find a safe food, it stops being safe the next day.

I did still get nauseous after, but that's been literally since I got sick 26 years ago. Sucks, but I'm used to it.

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Also, sorry to my mutuals (and followers in general).

I know this gets tiring....but that's part of the reason I do it here. And writing has pretty much always been my biggest s-word deterrent. If you need to unfollow for your own well being, please do so. <3

[cyanidefilledcandy]

Me: I'm very sick and poor.

World: Work hard and get a good job.

Me: So I spent 5 years working crazy hours, picked up a second job to support myself, only got 4 hours of sleep a night, missed every family and friend event including the birth of my niece and my sister's final days on Earth and I found out I will never be promoted because I'm a woman.

World: Just get a different job and go to the doctor.

Me: Got a different job and it was stable enough, but now I'm beyond sick. I went to every doctor possible the MOMENT I got health insurance. After 2 years of never missing an appointment and doing everything told to me, my job decided the paperwork I had on file wasn’t good enough, plus my body and mind are shifting in a way that's not sick....but none of the 5 doctors I've been seeing for the past 2 years would see me or vouch for me. So, I got fired despite doing the job of 6 people, including the manager's job. Also lost my insurance and the "free health market" wants to charge me over $200 a month for insurance, which I obviously can't do.

World: So find a better job.

Me: I got another job and. I got even sicker to the point where I'm barely able to move, and I can't even sit or stand stationary without being in excrutiating pain. My hair and teeth are literally falling out. I also lost this job for missing more than 2 days in a 5 month period despite, per the manager's words, "being the best thing to ever happen to the department". Didn't work there long enough to reap any benefits.

World: Just try harder.

Me: I should be on Disability at this point, but I'll put my body on the pyre again and try to get another one. Hey! I found one that I can (barely) physically and mentally handle that actually even got rid of my chronophobia. But it doesn't pay as much and I have to pay to get to work because my car is down because I have no money to fix it and my father who usually fixed has had 4 heart attacks and a stroke since then. I also am actually wasting away because I literally can't eat anything. But maybe I can get EBT to make up the costs.

Food Stamps: Well, you either work JUST enough to qualify or you work JUST under enough to qualify.

Me: Fine....well, at least I can focus on my mental health.

Mental Health Services: All of our funding has been cut, so we can't help you unless you pay.

Me: I understand. Well at least I have cannabis that takes the edge off on a lot of my mental and physical disabilities.

Government: Yeah, those are a felony now.

Me: .....guess I'll die.

World: No. You're not allowed to do that.

Me: Well, FUCK ME I GUESS!

World: You know, I really don’t understand why you're so negative. You're obviously in this position because you're lazy and aren't trying hard enough.