content: hurt/comfort. fem! reader dealing with internalized homophobia. 3.7 k words.
summary: you and nikki have had a thing going on between you for a while, but what happens if that secret would come out?
notes: this turned into an entirely different direction than intended. this was supposed to be a fun, short fic but turned into something completely else. if internalized homophobia is a sore subject for you, I do not recommend reading this!
it was trivia night in that bar downtown and like usual, you and your group were seated in the far front, completely captivated by the game, well most of you. you, nikki and sarah were a-game with that night's questions, answering them without flaws, but the other two were completely in their own heads. ian was mostly there for the drinks and fear of missing out on a group hangout and bear was staring at nikki, like an uncomfortable amount, with basically heart eyes. you only rolled your eyes at that, knowing his attempts of getting her attention were futile.
no one in the group knew how you and nikki had for months spent nights talking over the phone, flirting over text, how your hugs lingered a little longer when you spent time together alone without the others. you and nikki weren’t exclusive, but neither of you had been seeing someone else during these months so maybe it wasn’t completely fruitless flirting…? as far as you knew, the group didn’t know about you and nikki, but if they’d figured it out, the gossip would spread like wildfire. compared to nikki, who was confidently public with liking girls, you weren’t. it was a big deal for you to let out something so personal to the public. nikki, who had been your best friend years before whatever was between you, knew that and kept it a secret, for you.
the questions rolled in feverishly, with the next one being “what is a group of flamingos called?” you buzzed the button without thinking it over with the group and called out “a flamboyance,” which was correct, of course. all nights playing trivia weren’t for nothing. “since when are you a flamingo expert?” nikki teased you, lightly shoving your shoulder. you let out a little chuckle and opened your mouth to reply when ian interrupted you. “yeah, y/n, you are such a nerd.” it wasn’t in the same teasing tone as nikki had said, and you didn’t really know if he had meant it in a joking manner or not, but you were once again interrupted, only this time by nikki. “don’t be an ass, ian. we got a point, and every point we get is closer to the victory beer,” she snorted back, not playing around with you, like usual. she always got to tease you endlessly but when someone tried to do it back, with a tone she didn’t like, she retaliated. “well then y/n, get me that beer faster,” he answered, raising his third pint for the night that was almost empty. ian’s eyes weren’t pointed at you though. they pointed to the girl right beside you, the girl who had just defended you. he always had that habit of annoying you when you got close to nikki but he had a glint in his eyes, like he knew something he shouldn’t. it made a chill run down your spine but it was calmed when nikki patted you on the shoulder and gave you a sweet smile. although it seemed like nikki didn't approve of that comment either, she had decided to play nice. her smile has always been one of your greatest weaknesses. she could say basically anything, but at long as she smiled at you like that, it didn’t matter.
you caught bear watching her smile towards you, seemingly jealous, but you didn’t really mind that. he could be jealous all he wants but you’re still her number one. she had said it herself one night.
you and nikki were talking over facetime, discussing everything from life to death and everything in between. “what do you mean ‘you’re lacking love to inspire you to write your book’? have you seen the way bear looks at you? the man is fully encaptivated by you, like he wants you forever and ever,” you teased her, after she had complained about having trouble with inspiration. it was a calculated move by you, that you had carefully laid out. you knew bear liked her, maybe a little over ‘like’ but that’s another discussion, and you wanted to know her thoughts of it. as you had started falling for her a little bit, you wanted to locate your competition. “no. ew. don’t say that. he’s like a brother and nothing else.” her face scrunched in disgust at the idea of her and bear being lovers. “oh, like hansel and gretel, but grown up and become incestuous?” you continued pulling her leg with a big smile plastered on your face. only what she didn’t know was that your smile wasn’t just accompanied by the teasing, but also from your pleasure of her not seemingly having any other potential love interests. “ew, you’re psycho. stop it,” she called out, putting on a disgusting look, but you could still see the small smirk on her lips.
that was why you could confidently rule him out of the equation. yeah, sure, there were other signs too. like how she touched you more than him and leaned more into you when talking, but that was nothing compared to the confirmation.
as the trivia questions kept rolling in and the night moved on, you started to feel something nudging your ankle. you didn’t have to be a genius to figure out what it was as when your eyes met nikki’s from beside you, a secret smirk struck her lips. she was trying to play footsies, that cheeky girl. your cheeks blossomed a little, but whose cheeks wouldn't when such a beautiful girl was trying to play footsies with you? of course, you reciprocated it, a little hesitantly with the fear of being caught, but still reciprocated. her closeness had always made your heart flutter and then, when doing such an act in public, you couldn’t help to hear your own heartbeat rise more than usual.
nikki had always had her way of being secretly flirty when you were out in public. it was like she adored you and wanted to shower you with affection all the time, but since your mutual agreement, she only did it secretly. for example, when the group were discussing the answer to a question, nikki leaned in, close enough for you to feel her breath hitting your ear. “you look really good tonight,” she whispered, not sultry, but rather in a tender way, like she had thought about it all night and wanted to let you know. if your cheeks had blossomed when she had started playing footsies, which she was still doing by the way, your cheeks transformed into a tomato red shade.
when nikki leaned back a little, you made eye contact. if you weren’t in such a public environment, you would beg her to kiss you. you were completely encaptivated by her. her smile, her eyes, her warmth oozing from her. maybe you should just let her kiss you and let that be your come out story… but of course, the moment had to be ruined by sarah, who seemed oblivious, despite the bluntness of both of your actions. “well, do you know the answer? is jupiter or saturn the biggest planet?” it seemed like the moment had only been interpreted as you discussing the answer. both you and nikki cleared your throats, it seemed like she, just like you, had forgotten everything around you except the other, and answered at the same time, “jupiter.”
the trivia night ended shortly after and therefore the group were planning on going to the next bar, and then a next and a next probably, but you weren’t interested in going. sure, it would be fun to spend more time with the group, but you were tired. it had been an exhausting day already and you actually wanted to be sober enough to drive yourself home. you all stood up from the table in agreement to leave this bar, at least, but you still had to tell the others that you weren’t planning on following them elsewhere. when you had stood up and prepared to push your stool in, nikki beat you to it. she always had that way to act like a gentleman towards you. if others could read nikki as well as you could, it would be obvious that it was in a romantic manner and not just like a joke between friends. she beamed up at you after pushing it in, and you jokingly made a little bow. “why, thank you, my lady.” a little blush rose on her cheeks but she reciprocated the joking manner, “nothing short of the best for my woman.”
when you all had reached the parking lot, ian wrapped his arms around nikki and sarah, who seemed confused by his sudden action. “i take sarah and nikki and you take bear,” he ordered you, like you didn’t have a say in it. it was weird that he was trying to decide this then. you and nikki had come together and ian had driven both sarah and bear but all the sudden, that wasn’t in play anymore. no one seemed happy by that request, at least by their facial expressions. of course, you and nikki would complain about not going with each other. bear clearly wanted to go with nikki so he could probably try to smooch her in a car and sarah wanted to go with bear, because of her blatant crush on him. if bear opened his eyes and realised nikki wasn’t interested, there would be a girl happily waiting for him, but that was another discussion.
you muttered to ian, his usual asshole behaviour didn’t exactly put a smile on your face. “actually, i was planning on going home. i’m tired.” it made bear let out a little relieved sigh, which you were probably the only one to notice. if you didn’t go, his chances of being with nikki were higher, but his dreams didn’t come true. “if y/n is not going, i’m not either,” nikki exclaimed, pushing away ian’s arm and moving to your side. a little smirk tugged at your lips. you had always liked when it didn’t go ian’s way after he had planned something without including others’ thoughts.
“why, nikki? so you can fuck y/n in her car?”
bear and sarah gasped and they looked shocked. their eyes turned to you and nikki and widened with disbelief, like they hadn’t seen that coming, but seemed like they were putting the puzzle pieces together. like the truth was always in front of their noses, like it had been, and they had finally figured it out. the smirk that had been on your face faded as quickly as it appeared on ian’s face. a fury bloomed all over your body, but it also had an edge of panic. you hadn’t wanted the others to know about you and nikki. not because you were ashamed of her, not in any way, but you were a little ashamed of yourself. since you had grown up in a not so welcoming environment and were taught that people like you should hide, you really had wanted to do this at your own pace, and now that was seemingly ruined.
“shut the fuck up, ian! you don’t get to come here and tell us anything you don’t know anything about.” nikki’s voice drew you out of your trance. it seemed like nikki hadn't told him which led you to the conclusion that he had figured it out on his own. he had noticed your lingering touches and your body language. you felt your hands start to shake and your eyes start to water, but you couldn’t act weak now, then everything would be even worse.
“come on, y/n. let’s go,” she continued, final in her tone. you both got to your car, leaving the others behind. you didn’t know what to do. what were you supposed to do? your biggest secret was out, much to your dismay. it had been your story to tell but it was stolen from you. nikki put her hand on your shoulder and said softly, “let me drive.” as much as you wanted to brush it off, act like this didn’t hurt you, you handed her the keys. you were in no condition to drive anyways. nikki moved to open the door for you and you sat down, brain far too filled with your thoughts that you barely noticed her doing it. what would happen now? would the group split because of this? you didn’t really care much for bear, since you just never had been so close, but you actually liked sarah. she was a sweet and funny friend you’d had for ages. would your friendship evaporate because of this? a part of you knew that she wouldn’t judge you for anything but what if she took ian’s side because of her undying crush on bear? you noticed that you had zoned out when you woke up from your trance by nikki sitting down in the driver’s seat and driving out from the parking lot. you could see ian, bear and sarah on your way by. sarah seemed to be yelling at ian, pointing her finger into his chest. it was nice knowing you at least got one friend backing you up, but bear just stood frozen. like he couldn’t comprehend that nikki had someone else.
“i’m so sorry,” you heard nikki say from beside you as she put her hand on your thigh, not realising until then that it had been shaking, and gently stroked it with her thumb. her warmth gave you the comfort you desperately needed at that moment. “i… i wanted to tell them myself. at my own pace,” you whispered out, looking at her hand on your thigh. her hand squeezed your thigh a little as she focused on the road. “i know, baby. it’s okay. it will be fine,” she tried to comfort you, and then continued, sounding more annoyed. “ian’s a dick. we’ll stop hanging out with him.” you almost let out a broken sniffle and said “okay.” a silence sat in the car with you as nikki continued to drive. “you can come home with me if you’d like. i don’t want you to be alone now.” you grabbed her hand on your thigh and intertwined your fingers with hers. she knew you so well. you didn’t want to be alone tonight, not after that. “please,” you whispered out, sounding too vulnerable for your liking. the silence fell once again, this time not as cold but it still tugged at your heart. you wished the night had gone differently. that ian wouldn’t be that much of a dick for no reason. that you hadn’t gone out at all.
you reached nikki’s house after a while, and she parked in her driveway. when she had pulled the parking brake and killed the engine, a sigh left her lips. an exhausted, worried and regretful sigh. her head turned to you and her hand that had been on the steering wheel reached up to your cheek, softly stroking your cheekbone. “i’m so sorry, baby. if i knew that ian would do something like that, i wouldn’t have been so obvious at the bar earlier.” “it’s not your fault, nikki. you couldn’t have known,” you answered, trying to avoid eye contact. nikki frowned slightly at that and pulled herself up from her seat to give you a sweet kiss on your forehead. it was the first kiss between you that had actually meant something. sure, you had kissed each other’s cheeks at parties for fun but it had never had a deeper meaning, not in that way. her lips lingered, soft and warm, and you threw your arms around her like you couldn’t bear there being a distance between you. her arms came around you and almost pulled you over the centre console of the car. her hand stroked strands of your hair and you buried your face in her neck, filling your nose with her familiar scent.
you sat like that for a while, having nothing to say, just soaking up each other’s closeness. it felt good to have someone know you so well. after what felt like an hour, but was probably five minutes, she whispered, “come on, baby, let’s go in.” you reluctantly let her go so both of you could move. as you opened the car door, you felt the cold air hit your face. it gave you a sense of freedom but also a reminder of reality, of what had happened just twenty minutes ago.
nikki came over to your side of the car, put an arm around your waist and led you in. her house felt as familiar as usual. you had spent endless evenings there, with just her, doing whatever you felt like. you had cuddled on the couch, crawling into her during horror movies as she laughed at you. cooking, and burning, countless dishes in the kitchen while dancing to the music from her phone. for fuck’s sake, you had your own stash of clothes in her bedroom drawer, which you barely wore, because she always insisted on you wearing her clothes instead. “do you need anything? water? food?” nikki asked, like always, making sure you were taken care of. “no. i just want to go to bed,” you mumbled back, wanting just to close your eyes and forget everything. nikki smiled at you and tugged you towards her bedroom, “then we’ll do exactly that.”
once in the bedroom, nikki handed you a pair of her shorts and shirt for you to wear, which you gladly did. wearing her clothes felt like a protective layer from the outside world, like you were secure from any harm just by some fabric sewn together. after changing, you looked at nikki, who’d also changed to pyjamas, her lips tugged up just a little, in that smile she seemed to only keep for you. “you look really cute in that,” she said softly, with a hint of pride in her voice. you blushed a little before retorting teasingly, “you are such a flirt.” “only for you,” she smirked and kissed your cheek before laying down on the bed. her bold action made you blush even further but you lay down next to her. she quickly put one arm under your head as a pillow and the other around your waist, spooning you from behind. maybe it would be okay to be out as queer if you got to have nikki with you all the foreseeable nights ahead. if you got to come home to her and live a domestic life, just like you always dreamt of.
you stayed like that for quite a while, the only noises being both of you breathing and the occasional sound of the sheets moving. you stroked her arm that was around your waist while her hand snaked under the hem of your shirt, softly laying on your bare stomach. it was the peace, the familiarity you craved after such a night. but your thoughts were interrupted by a buzz from the nightstand, your phone. a fear tugged down your spine as you were reminded of everything that had happened before. you considered ignoring it, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to relax again until you knew what it was. was it sarah or bear? did they text you that whatever you and nikki had was disgusting and didn’t want to be a part of it? you pulled up your phone, the background being you and nikki from a year ago, drunk out of your minds, smiling widely at the camera while having your arms around each other. once you unlocked your phone, you could read the text you had received.
“i’m sorry for tonight. ian is an asshole. even bear agrees. we took a taxi to bear’s and left ian to himself. i hope we can still be friends after this <3”
her text warmed your heart in so many ways. maybe you wouldn’t be all alone once people knew about you. maybe your dad had been wrong. maybe you weren’t a ‘disgusting sinner’ for liking girls, loving girls, loving a girl. you were still not out of the woods about those thoughts and you knew that yourself. all of the condescending thoughts you had about yourself would live with you for the rest of your life, but maybe they would fade over time. if sarah and bear, who seemingly didn’t agree with ian’s outburst, maybe they could accept you, just like you were.
nikki smiled at you, with a smile you’d never seen on her. she seemed so happy for you, so proud, like she felt everything with you. “see, baby. i said it would be fine,” she whispered as she stroked your stomach under your shirt. “i thought… i thought that…” your eyes started to water as a feeling of being overwhelmed settled in your body. you couldn’t have imagined a better outcome from such an experience. “shhh, it’s okay. nothing bad will happen. they still appreciate you as a friend.” a sniffle left your nostrils as you turned around to face nikki. seeing her smile from the front made you smile back at her. “you were right,” you mumbled at her while looking into her warm eyes. “i usually am,” she teased you back and kissed your forehead again. it made you feel a little giddy and you hid your face in the crook of her neck. her hand that had been stroking your stomach had moved to your back. you could feel her warm fingertips stroking it slowly but surely as she pulled you closer.
“you know how i used to complain about not feeling enough love to inspire my writing?” she asked, breaking the silence with a low tone. her body still felt warm around you, with her legs tangled with yours. “yeah?” you replied. “i lied. i’ve felt it for so long,” she continued, her breath hitting your ear. “so, am i your muse then?” you asked her teasingly. “always been, baby.”
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