work in progress

[daartsareparepsa]

linkin park

[daartsareparepsa]

[daartsareparepsa]

Social Anxiety

It´s not just avoiding events More like feel odd the second I leave my place Whole body tense Praying to meet nobody in the staircase

It´s not just dreading conversation More like overwhelmed when buying milk and bread Didn´t look up nor speak up enough cash, quickly swiped card and just fled

avoid going out in daily life eye contact is too much analysing every word afraid of being judged

footsteps in the hall please let them not come in my room all alone still no chance to relax back around others way too soon

Surrounded by strangers at the mall feels like pure, painful torture hearing every single one of them talk and they all talk about me-for sure

even worse with acquaintances people I know but not close not a single word in my head I feel awkward and exposed

self-isolation in order to feel safe at home I’m free, the outside world is my cage

[daartsareparepsa]

snow patrol

[daartsareparepsa]

Wunderkind

I am a Wonderchild but nothing like Mozart incredible talented, gifted and smart no I´m a Wonderchild ´cause I wonder to hard Wondering all the time about what other people think of me about the future and what life will bring for me Wondering what chances I´ll miss if I take that road instead of this wondering what choices I truly make if in the end it´s all up to fate Wonder so much wandering lost while wondering wounded from wonder wonder about wunder My life is like a book without pages my life is like a song without notes my life is like a letter nobody can read my life is like a TV without a remote My life is a riddle I can´t solve my life is a needle without a hole my life is a thousand locks with no key my life is a small island in the massive sea

[daartsareparepsa]

[daartsareparepsa]

you were my saturday night feeling turning into sunday evening now I´m dreading what happens when monday comes

[daartsareparepsa]

How it feels to not feel

It´s often described as a shadow but that´s too softly explained cause it´s not simply following me It´s inside me, forever enchained

The thing is, I sense it coming I try to run, to fight it, to stop I´m restless and try to escape deep down I know I cannot

I feel so much all at once then I slowly begin to fall get consumed by this blandness till suddenly there´s nothing at all

Listen, I need you to understand all well-meant words are pointless I hate that you tell me about light when all I want to do is sit in the darkness

I hate that you tell me how I feel at those times when I can´t feel myself this only makes me feel more alone and misunderstood, nothing else

Listen, that’s not how I feel that´s how YOU feel Or you think I feel Or you wish I would feel

Sometimes I want it to come back past ache feels as familiar as present joy I think I’m missing a part of me or maybe this is the real me

Because that’s the thing about feelings they are not always easy to feel Tell me, if feelings are supposed to be natural why is it so damn hard to just let them be?

[daartsareparepsa]

[daartsareparepsa]

Questions for myself

Who am I? What makes me me? And even more important Who do I want to be?

What are my values? And have they changed over time? Do they change still In situations when other people opinions become mine?

How can I know what´s wrong But still not be able to change Why aren´t I still in in delusion Clueless but happy, blind but strong?

Why can´t I be happy? Why am I so sad all the time? Will I ever be satisfied? Ever learn? Is it too late already? Will I ever stop yearn?

Why am I overestimated by all who know me Their opinions higher than my talent But underestimated by people who don´t Mistake my choice to not overexpose as bland

I wish somebody would see me Just the way I am Good sides and bad sides Weakness and strength

Would you watch me fail And still give me a chance Would you watch me succeed and still know I bleed? Why do I bend to be what they like? I have to pretend for the rest of my life Does anybody know All of this is just a show?

Can´t anybody see None of this is really me But how could they If I really couldn´t do it myself?

[daartsareparepsa]

counterfeit.

[daartsareparepsa]

[daartsareparepsa]

[daartsareparepsa]

I know it´s unfair: expecting you to be perfect when I´m full of flaws myself

[daartsareparepsa]

[daartsareparepsa]

Good Girl

I was the Good Girl, had no problems good grades, so smart and clever well behaved, caused no troubles so autonomous, no struggles

never asked for help relied on myself stayed quiet, unnoticed and out of the way

no one thought something´s wrong -not even myself- assumed that´s just me getting along with everything, when really, I wasn´t

So much later I realized something is not right that all this time I wasn´t just fine

Just because I made no problems doesn´t mean I hadn´t any maybe I always said no worries because there were to many

Till today it affects me still not really happy stopped singing in the car a long time ago

still bottling up though I speak my mind still issues with trust and fear I´m not kind

so, by now I have realized something´s not right that all this time I wasn´t just fine

But just because I realized Doesn´t mean I’m cured Now begins the real hard work

Although I’ve been exhausted For a very long time I guess I can make it Even if I may never be fine

[daartsareparepsa]

but you don´t know who you are