What Does Vetting Look Like?
If you do any significant amount of reading about D/s you’re sure to encounter the idea that it is the responsibility of each party to ‘vet’ the other before formalizing a relationship. This advice is normally aimed at submissives, and my writing will be too, because it brings me to point number one…
Until the point where a submissive has agreed to enter into the power exchange dynamic it is the submissive who is in control. I know, that’s an uncomfortable thing. We don’t enjoy taking control, and the idea of being responsible for such a big decision is daunting, but it’s very important.
Giving control over your body, and your well-being, to another person is to be taken incredibly seriously, and you can’t make someone else responsible. If you decide to give your power to someone you haven’t taken the time to vet, it would be unfair not to take some of the responsibility when things go south. If you invite a snake into your bed, you have to own your responsibility when he bites.
The first step to vetting someone is to get to know them as a person. Just like every other relationship. The vanilla things matter. Let me repeat that in case it didn’t sink in… the vanilla things matter. Your morals, religion, hobbies, and personalities need to align the same way any other couple’s should.
That doesn’t mean they need to be the same. It’s okay if he loves hiking and you’d rather sit in with a book, but these things must align. There shouldn’t be contention every time you discuss what to do on Saturday, and you shouldn’t feel that you’re compromising yourself to make it work. You’ll want to avoid letting sex and kink be the main topic of conversation at this point.
As you’re getting to know this person you’ll probably start seeing little glimpses of dominance peeking through. You’ll notice the way he checks in often, asks you to call when you’ve arrived home safely, or tells you where you’ll be going for dinner rather than asking.
The next step in your vetting is going to be giving him opportunities to lead. Push small pieces of power over the line and watch to see what he does with them. Watch carefully, and be honest with yourself about how he responds. Does it feel right? Is he putting your well-being above his desires?
Tell him you’ve been feeling tired in the mornings before work and don’t know if you should try showering at night, what does he think? Does he asks questions about when you go to bed? Does he say “whatever you think,” or otherwise let the opportunity to decide for you pass? Does he send you to bed when you have an early day even though he’d rather stay on the phone? These little ‘tests’ are all insignificant in themselves, but they combine to give you a very clear picture of what sort of leader you have.
This is the point where discussion of your future/potential dynamic will start coming into the picture. Let him know how you feel about the decisions he’s made for you. “It was nice not to have to decide… thank you for ordering for me…It made me feel really cared for when you called because I didn’t text when I got home.” Then start asking questions. LOTS OF THEM.
Discuss kinks, sure, but don’t let that be the only thing. Ask him what he imagines the day-to-day looking like. How much free time does he have? Why did it end with his last submissive? Are there any things that are must-haves? Limits? This is when the discussion crosses past the vanilla and becomes about shaping a dynamic. You want to find out what is important to each other, what sort of control will he want? How will he exercise it.
Continue pushing pieces of power over the line and keep watching to see what happens. Don’t rush it. If this is the right Dominant for you, then you’ll know over time. Does he own when he’s made a mistake, or try to cover with excuses? How does he react when you’ve forgotten to do something he asked? Does he speak poorly about every woman he’s ever been with? If so this is a red flag you should be aware of. Sexual tensions are high in the beginning of a relationship. It’s exciting for both parties, but does every conversation come back to sex?
If you take to vetting this way, with open honest communication about the dynamic, there will be no question that you are looking to be his, and that he is looking to own you. Some traditionalists feel it’s the sub’s responsibility to first approach the Dominant seeking ownership, and you’ll probably want to discuss expectations about this before the time comes so no one is left wondering what they’ve done wrong.
Have fun. Enjoy the journey, and above all don’t rush the process. If it’s the right person you’ll be glad you took the time. If it’s the wrong person, you’ll be even more grateful.
