I watched Bo's new special Inside today.
#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork
I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.
About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.
I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.
Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.
He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")
He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.
It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.
I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.
He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.
It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.
He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.
He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.
He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."
He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.
The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.
He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")
I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.
I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?
Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.
And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.
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