Warnings: very light alcohol consumption, Anakin and Y/N being cute
Summary: You and Anakin arrive on Levangé, and it's more beautiful than you could have imagined (okay you guys gender neutral welcome to my vacation fantasy honestly, I might stretch out the AOTC plot just to get to spend more time on Levangé, a planet I made up and am now fully attached to)
Word Count: 5k
"Y/N! Y/N? Are you awake?"
You were roused from your precarious slumber abruptly, forcing your eyes open, air tugging through your lungs in a loud inhale.
"Sorry," Anakin said softly, "I just...look." The ship had pulled out of hyperspace, and you looked out the side of the viewport at the planet below.
"Woah," was all you could manage. You felt Anakin's Force presence nod in agreement, felt his surprise and wonder at beholding the spectacle below you.
Levangé was one of the most unique planets you'd ever seen, at least from the air. You saw the blue crystalline waters meeting the atmosphere, saw the lush greenery of the many archipelagos littering the planet's surface. And you saw too the weather patterns in the deepest parts of the oceans, the spiraling of the clouds with the flashes of light occurring within. It was a beautiful, violent scene. The stunning peaceful nature of the blue water and the beautiful green islands were far from the threatening looking hurricanes, but the fact was that both of these sights existed, and on the same planet. The multiplicity was breathtaking.
"We're headed right over one of them," Anakin whispered, and you both leaned against your parallel viewports, trying to look down into the eye of one of the great spiraling cloud patterns. It was dark, and it looked as if it could swallow you both whole.
But the ship continued flying, over the dark mass of spinning cloud, away, downward toward the sun-drenched mess of islands on the southern side of the planet. The ship knew where to go. You watched in silence as the trees, the sand, the cliffs, and the ocean grew ever closer.
Though the island was spotted with small dwellings, most with orange tiled roofs, the ship landed in the forest, the landing pad revealing itself only when the ship had descended past the tree line.
As the ship touched down, you felt Anakin's Force presence squirm. You couldn't quite trace the origin of this feeling, but you knew that Anakin felt a distinct change—the before you'd gotten into this ship and the after seemed different worlds, at least between the two of you. As the cockpits opened upward, you felt Anakin's feelings contradict each other, felt the feeling of anticipation rise. You wished, suddenly, that you could delay turning around and facing him. But you climbed out of the cockpit, lowering the ladder to descend, and found yourself face to face with Anakin.
"After you," Anakin said awkwardly, trying to help you lower the ladder from the Starfighter, brushing your hand with his in the process. He withdrew his hand as fast as lightspeed. You blushed furiously.
"Welcome!" a voice called from below. "Welcome to Levangé, Master Jedi." You climbed down the ladder quickly, finding the greeter to be a pleasant looking middle aged man with dark skin and very short bristly hair.
"Thank you," you told him, reaching out your hand in greeting, "but we are only Padawans."
"Regardlesz," the man said, his accented language flowing freely and smoothly off his tongue, "we are ever so grateful for your presence here. We cannot zank you enough, for putting your own lives at risk in order to keep our senator safe from zese attacks."
You felt Anakin's discomfort at these words as he descended the ladder after you—you were here, after all, not solely for the purpose of keeping Senator Voure out of harm's way, but also to discover the identity behind the attackers. This, you felt, was information that this Levangéan did not need to know.
"I'm Theo," the man continued, "ze 'ouse manager." Theo's accent made these words sound beautiful, even though they were quite plain. "And zese are ze 'andmaidens of ze house, Elodie and Océane." You watched as two timid looking girls stepped out from behind Theo. You gave both a smile, but inside, you were reeling. Handmaidens?
"Let us go inside," Theo continued, his voice warm, as if he had picked up on your discomfort, "so we can talk more about your stay 'ere." You nodded, swallowing loudly. Theo turned and was followed by the handmaidens, walking a small path through the trees away from the landing pad. You went to follow, and felt, in the Force more than through your senses, Anakin's hand reaching out to guide you. He didn't touch you, but the gesture of his hand behind your back as you walked made you feel hot. Or, perhaps it was just the weather here. Even in the sheer gray dress that Master Yuma had picked out for you, you were sweating. The heat, here, it seemed, was all around you. It wasn't just coming from the sun, but was on the air itself.
Theo led the group out of the woods and down steep steps toward a grand house. You shielded your eyes from the sun, and it was only then that you saw it—a vast, shining ocean was before you, so grand in size, so light in color. It was dazzling. And, as far out as you could see, past the horizon, an ominous gray, a darkness beyond the edge of where the sunlight touched.
"Y/N," Anakin said softly, and you looked around, realizing that Theo was holding the door to the house open for you. You blinked, nodding in thanks as you walked through it.
"My apologies zat ze 'ouse is small," Theo said, bowing in return as he pressed the button on the wall to close the door on the forest. "Ze senator's accommodations in ze capital are much grander, but I understand zat ze Jedi would prefer you to stay out of the ze public eye." You heard Theo, but you were having a hard time taking in his words. The house had cream colored walls. It was adorned with light colored, soft-looking seating, beautiful ornamental rugs, and all around you were objects seemingly plucked from the sea; shells of interesting sizes and shapes, shells that must have at one point contained creatures you'd never seen before; and driftwood of all colors, some of which was hanging on the walls; and seaglass, oh the seaglass, every color of it imaginable, piled into crystal bowls, or else draped from the driftwood, hung in strings. The colors permeated the room. And beyond the living room, a dining room with windows looking right out at the sea, over the cliff beneath the house. You saw stairs winding upward, to an upper level.
"It's beautiful," was all you could manage. You, having never had more space than your sparse Padawan room, could not imagine anyone calling this house small. You fingered the seaglass.
"Ze servants 'eadquarters is downstairs," Theo continued, watching your reaction with interest. "Should you need anyzing at all during your stay, you may ring." Theo pointed to a panel on the wall, next to the doorway. "I am told zat ze Jedi would like for you to imitate ze senator's schedule, no?" Theo looked at both you and Anakin expectantly.
"Yes," you choked out, unable to take your eyes off that ocean.
"We feel it is important that Y/N replicate the Senator's behavior," Anakin explained, taking on the authority of the Jedi plural, "as closely as possible, should any eyes be watching."
"Of course," Theo responded, gesturing to the large table off the kitchen. You and Anakin followed and sat down across from him. The handmaidens stood in the corner of the room, still looking diffident. Theo said something smoothly to them in another language, and at his words, Elodie went into the kitchen, busying herself with something.
"Ze senator begins her days in ze southern country wiz a bath," Theo explained. Elodie emerged from the kitchen with a large carafe of something that smelled sweet, as well as cups, and a plate of fruits and other assorted fares. You and Anakin looked at the food and drink with discomfort. You were not used to being served. It felt antithetical to the Jedi way, and you wanted to protest, but you didn’t want to offend these keepers of the house. Plus, you reminded yourself, you were here to impersonate the senator, and she, it seemed, was used to having servants. "Please, drink," Theo said, pouring both you and Anakin cups of whatever was in the carafe. You put the cup to your lips. You'd never tasted anything like this.
"After bathing, ze senator is dressed for ze day by 'er 'andmaidens," Theo continued, gesturing toward the girls, who both stood in the corner again. "Zen, ze senator embarks on one of many activities. Zis is where she comes on 'oliday," Theo said, smiling, and spreading his arms wide. "It is a respite from 'er many duties in ze capital. Thus, we 'ope it will be as comfortable to you as it is to 'er."
You smiled at Theo, hoping to mask your feelings of overwhelm. Not only was this your first mission without Master Yuma; not only were you paired with Anakin, of all people; but you were being asked to behave in a way that was so unusual for a Jedi...it was very overwhelming. You didn't know how to conduct yourself. You took another large gulp of the beverage, in spite of yourself.
"Ze senator enjoys hiking in ze hills," Theo continued, looking up as if to recall the senator's activities. "She enjoys walking ze beach, and swimming, when ze tide is right. She enjoys trips into town, to shop, to eat, to...eh...spend time amongst 'er people." Theo frowned. "I zink it is best if you avoid ze others...as zey might recognize you are not zier beloved senator." You nodded at this, taking another sip.
"I 'ope, in short, zat you will enjoy yourselves 'ere," Theo finished, pouring himself a cup of what was in the carafe. "I admire ze Jedi very much. I 'ope we can repay your service with our kindness."
"Thank you," you said sincerely, looking upon Theo with a sudden burst of admiration. You finished your cup, looking at it with a peculiar eye.
"Nectarwine," Theo said, smiling. "Good, isn't it?" Your eyes widened. You had never before tasted any kind of libation. Today, it seemed, was a day for a lot of firsts.
"You must be tired from ze journey," Theo said, smiling at you and standing up. "Ze senator's suite and ze guestrooms are upstairs. You can take your pick," Theo continued, turning and smiling at Anakin. Anakin had put down his cup, looking at it as if it might explode, and intentionally avoiding your eyes.
"Thank you," you said again, smiling at Theo and standing up yourself. You knew that one cup of nectarwine was not going to harm you, but you couldn't shake this hint of a fuzzy feeling, a feeling you could only compare to the time you'd unintentionally inhaled spice. You blushed at that memory, the memory of you and Anakin on that rooftop, alone, so many years ago...
"Good night," Anakin told Theo, looking at him cautiously. Theo bowed, and then left through the door, headed downstairs with the two handmaidens. You walked slowly toward the staircase leading upward, feeling the silence grow in its intensity. There was no reason for you to be feeling this way, you reminded yourself. The absence of Theo and the handmaidens left you and Anakin alone, sure, but you'd been alone for 11 hours of flight time on that ship. This was no different than that. Right?
You walked up the stairs, Anakin trailing behind you, and tried to force these thoughts out of your mind. It was hard, with Anakin's emotions running so rampant. You still felt a great deal of conflict in him; it was as if he were cautiously regarding every word he said, wanting to control multiple conflicting impulses at every move. It was exhausting to perceive, even from your standpoint.
The two of you reached the second story and headed down a short hallway, toward a set of double doors which you assumed must open to the senator's suite. You pressed the button on the wall panel and the doors opened.
Nothing could have prepared you for this. Not only was the room grand, in size and in splendor; not only was the bed larger and softer than any you'd ever seen, let alone slept in; but the room opened to a large balcony which overlooked the entire ocean in front of you, an ocean that was now meeting a sky of melting colors. The sun was setting.
"Wow," you breathed, walking forward and feeling the wood of the bed. There were plants all about the room, and you fingered the vines, watching a few lizard-shaped creatures crawl across the wall.
"This is..." Anakin said, clearing his throat, as if he didn't know how to put words to a room like this.
"How are we supposed to live like this?" you asked, not expecting an answer. You walked forward to stand on the balcony. It was the most beautiful place you'd ever seen, with your eyes. You felt like you shouldn't be here. It felt wrong, to be sleeping in a bed this magnificent, when there were so many in the galaxy who still suffered to find a safe place to sleep. It wasn't the Jedi way.
"It's our duty," Anakin said, walking out to meet you. "We must do what is expected of us." You turned around, and at meeting Anakin's gaze, the loaded silence from earlier swelled in its density. It was as if the heat in the air were turning it solid; as if you could barely move through it. You gazed into Anakin's eyes, and you felt a tiny voice of panic inside your mind. You were, in every sense, unable to look away. You were trapped in his gaze. You couldn't escape.
The sweet liquid in your stomach churned, and the fuzzy feeling overtook you. You watched Anakin through half-shut lids. You felt out of control of your entire body, looking upon him now. He was the most beautiful place you'd ever seen, without your eyes.
"You must be tired," Anakin said, and the sound broke something in the air. You breathed in quickly, wondering how he'd managed to free you from where you'd been caged. "I'll leave you to get some sleep." At that, Anakin turned and walked quickly from the room, pressing delicately on the door panel as he passed to close the doors behind him. Watching him walk away, you felt every single part of your body call after him, wanting nothing more than for him to stay.
"Miss? Are you awake?"
You heard the chime of the girl's accented voice coming from behind the door, and felt the sun streaming in beyond your closed eyelids. For some reason, you found it difficult to open them. You rolled over in the fluffy cocoon of the senator's large bed.
Reluctantly, your eyes opened. You realized by the position of the sun out on the balcony (closed off from you only by a ray shield, one that would shut off automatically from the inside if you chose to walk toward it) that it was mid-morning at the earliest. You sat up quickly, getting out of the large bed and scurrying toward the double doors that led into the room. You had just had the best night of sleep you'd had in your entire life, and you already felt guilty.
"I'm sorry," you said, pressing the door panel quickly. Elodie and Océane walked through quickly, one holding fluffy towels, the other holding a basket.
"We did not wish to wake you," Elodie said timidly, "but, if you are to follow ze senator's schedule...we wish to prepare you your bath, Miss."
"Oh," you said, suddenly feeling awkward. "That won't be necessary, really." If you had hoped to make the girls feel more at ease with your words, it was clear you'd had the opposite effect. You felt the discomfort in Elodie's and Océane's presences grow.
"We—" Océane started, looking to Elodie, searching for words. "We must look after you, while you are to stay 'ere."
"I really—" you responded, flushing, shifting where you stood in the senator's silk pajamas. "I don't need anything, honestly."
"We insist, Miss," Elodie said a bit more firmly, giving Océane a look of assurance. It was now, reading the girls' Force presences, that you finally understood. Asking them not to do their jobs made them as uncomfortable as you felt, being waited on. This was new territory for all of you.
"Okay," you agreed, trying to pacify the handmaidens. "But please—make sure you take plentiful breaks, yes? Only perform the tasks deemed absolutely necessary." Elodie laughed.
"Of course, Miss," Océane said, blushing. You followed the girls into the large refresher, the tub bigger than any you'd ever seen. Elodie placed the towels on a table, and took the basket from Océane's arms. While Océane began to run the bath, Elodie placed a variety of oils, soaps, and cleansing balms on the edge of the tub.
"Let us know when you are finished," Elodie said calmly. "We will wait outside." You nodded at this, still feeling incredibly uncomfortable at being waited on. Once the girls had left the room, you sunk into the hot water, feeling as if all of the pressures you'd accumulated in your muscles—the years of fighting, the scars, the injuries—melted off you immediately.
After your bath, Elodie and Océane dressed you in a light and airy gown of cream colored silk. It had been the simplest of the outfits you'd been able to find among Senator Voure's things, but you still felt uncomfortable, wearing it. It had very thin string-like straps.
Descending the stairs onto the main floor of the house, you felt a nervous energy. You weren't sure if you were the one who felt nervous, or if the feeling was coming from someone else's presence.
"Good morning," you said awkwardly, walking toward the dining area to find Anakin sitting at the table. You heard Theo bustling around the kitchen, into which you could see through an open decorative archway in the cream-colored wall.
"Afternoon, more like," you heard Theo chime from the kitchen, and you blushed. You turned to Anakin to apologize for sleeping so long to find he'd jumped out of his chair, awkwardly. The way he was looking at you was difficult to understand. It was as if something had gotten caught in his Force presence, like a voice getting caught in the throat.
"What are you doing?" you asked him genuinely, and, seeming to try to shake himself out of a trance, Anakin looked around, confused, as if he himself didn't know why he'd stood. He cleared his throat.
"Nice outfit," Anakin said, as if trying to joke, but his face burned a bright crimson color as he sat back down. You didn't know whether to laugh or scream.
"You look wonderful, Miss," Theo said generously, walking out of the kitchen holding a large platter on which you saw lots of different breakfast items, and multiple carafes full of liquid. "Very well-rested."
"Thanks," you said, plopping yourself down into a seat at the table in a way very unbefitting of your current style of dress. Theo began immediately serving you, pouring what looked like caf into a mug before pouring a pinkish juice into another cup. Anakin, still not looking at you, began to help himself to some kind of pastry.
"Have you thought about what you'd like to do today?" Anakin asked when Theo had exited back into the kitchen. "As Senator Voure, I mean." Anakin still seemed to be trying to poke fun, but his Force presence conveyed that he was feeling very conflicted.
"I don't much like this idea," you said quietly, not wanting Theo or your handmaidens to overhear, "of sitting around pretending to vacation, whilst waiting to be attacked. It feels counterproductive."
"It isn't," Anakin said, finally looking at you. "There's nothing we can do, now, but wait." You nodded. He was right, of course, but it still gave you a feeling of unease. "Plus, it makes tactical sense, to get the lay of the land on this planet," Anakin said, drinking a sip of his own caf. "Where should we start?" You smiled.
"I want to swim in that ocean," you said honestly, allowing yourself to let your Force presence out a bit. You weren't trained to desire recreation or luxury. Still, the ocean had been calling to you, in a way, since you'd arrived. Its beauty was unmatched, except, perhaps, by the boy in front of you. But you pushed that thought from your mind. You'd never swam in any body of water like the one outside the window. Anakin smiled at your response, and in spite of yourself, you returned his grin. You took a sip of juice.
"Theo," you called, "is there nectarwine in this?" Theo poked his head out of the kitchen, giving you a wink.
Anakin waited while your handmaidens dressed you, again. He wasn't sure why you needed an entirely different outfit to go to the beach, but he supposed this was all a part of the façade, so he didn't say anything. Plus, when you came down the stairs, you were dressed much more practically than you had been, in a flowy see-through one piece romper over what looked like swim garments. It was still colorful and silky, but it was distinctly tunic-like, and Anakin noticed your mood slightly improved.
Theo and the handmaidens were carrying chairs, food, and other items from the house down the path to the beach. Anakin insisted on helping, but Theo wouldn't hear of it. It was as if you and Anakin were the rulers of the house, of the entire galaxy. Anakin had only ever served others, both as a slave and as a Jedi. A part of him felt weird, watching Theo carry things for him. Another part of him—perhaps the child in him—felt this was some kind of strange retribution, for his upbringing. He banished the thought as soon as it entered his Force presence—he didn't want you to know about these deepest parts of himself.
Anakin settled for walking with you down the forested path, the one that let out along the cliffside and eventually descended toward the beach. He'd never seen you look at anything the way you looked at that water—except, perhaps, in those rare moments, when you looked at him as if...
No, Anakin thought firmly. He had made up his mind. He would not try to confess his feelings again, not unless you yourself initiated it. He would wait for you to come to your senses. And, if you never did, at least he would not be deprived of your presence, the way he had been during those weeks of shutting you out. This amount of you—this friendship—was better than nothing, even if it was torture. His resolution was tested every time you had to put on one of the senator's outfits, but he held his decision firm in his mind. He would not ruin things this time, with his impulsive behavior, no matter how beautiful you looked in those...
Anakin shook his head, watching you descend the path to the beach in front of him. It was a small sandy oasis, hidden from the rest of the island by the rock formations surrounding it, but opening out to the vast ocean, clear and still out to the horizon. He saw that Theo and the handmaidens had set up two very comfortable-looking chairs and a table replete with towels, platters of fruit, and more nectarwine.
"They sure do like their wine here," you said, giggling, turning back to Anakin with a grin. Anakin's breath stopped at the sight of you, the sun shining down on your hair, hair that looked clean and shiny, barely resembling its usual unruly state.
"And their sand," Anakin replied, looking down at the ground under his boots with distaste. The sand here was not, he noticed, like the sand on Tatooine—it was fine, and soft, and, most importantly, on the ground, rather than blowing in the air around him.
"What's wrong with sand?" you asked, and Anakin saw that you'd removed your shoes and dug your feet in, dancing forward to the water's edge. You were acting in a way that was so unlike yourself, you who were usually so controlled, so serious.
"I don't like sand," Anakin responded casually, not putting much thought into his words. Truthfully, he just wanted to keep you talking, wanted to keep you happy and free, in this way he'd rarely seen you before. "It's coarse, and rough. And it gets everywhere."
"But when it leads into this!" you responded cheerfully, splashing some of the ocean spray back up in Anakin's direction. He couldn't help but laugh, running forward to splash you back. "The senator's clothes!" you protested, still laughing, and you ran back up to where the chairs had been set, taking off the romper over your swimsuit quickly so as not to get it wet. Anakin felt the need to look away from you. He felt like he might be blinded, somehow, as if looking at you were the same as staring into the suns.
Anakin stood on the beach, watching you swim. He hadn't known you even knew how to swim, and yet here you were in this vast ocean, your head just a dot on the sunny horizon. He wondered how much you remembered of your life on Batuu. You, at least, had the luxury most Jedi had, of being taken at an early enough age that you wouldn't have many firm memories of your childhood. Anakin grimaced. He had been keeping from you, thus far, the fact that his nightmares were beginning to come back—the ones about his mother.
Anakin shook his head firmly to clear it, a habit he'd unconsciously picked up from you. He mustn't think of that just now. Not when he was in such a beautiful place, with you by his side.
When you finally came out of the water, you had a gleam in your eyes. Anakin couldn't help but stare. It wasn't just that you were clean, and wearing beautiful clothes that showed more of your skin; it was that you were so happy. Anakin handed you a towel.
"How come you won't come in?" you asked him, wrapping the towel around yourself and sitting in one of the chairs.
"I don't swim," Anakin lied. The truth was, Anakin didn’t want to let his guard down, even for one second. He wanted to make sure he was watching, at all times, primarily so you wouldn't have to.
"You will," you said forcefully, "before we leave. You have to, Ani, it's so wonderful." Anakin felt his moment of stress melt away, hearing you speak in this tone. He sat down in the chair next to you.
"I didn't know you loved the water," Anakin said quietly, looking over at you.
"I barely remembered, myself," you responded sincerely, watching Anakin.
"Do you...do you remember much?" Anakin asked. "About Batuu?" You looked at him for a moment.
"I usually lie," you said, "and say I don't, especially to Master Yuma. But the truth is, I do. I remember my parents very well. My mom," you continued, looking out at the water. "She taught me to swim. Batuu can be very cold, but in the summer, it warms, and there are rivers, and lakes..." you let your speech drift off, remembering. Anakin watched your eyes move in the familiar way they did when you were thinking of elsewhere. You seemed to come out of your reverie, smiling serenely at Anakin, reaching for the basket on the table between you and pouring two cups of nectarwine.
"You know," Anakin said, smiling, "the high life seems to suit you." You looked up at him in surprise, your eyes flashing for a moment, before you smiled, taking a sip.
"I've wondered, lately," you said, holding your cup and looking at your lap. "How much of my life I've resisted everything—myself, my desires..." Anakin froze. "And it's made very little difference," you continued. "I think it may have been naïve of me...it was like I thought I could save the galaxy, all by myself, by being a certain way...like I thought it was my job, to save everybody, to save the entire republic."
"Who says the republic needs saving?" Anakin asked, watching you curiously. You were being more honest with him than you'd ever been before, and it was thrilling. Anakin felt himself shaking in his tunic, though it was quite warm.
"It doesn't, I suppose," you said, smiling down at your lap. "If it ever does, then I will go back to my old, serious, boring self." You drank more of the nectarwine, while Anakin's glass sat untouched. It was almost worth the attempt on your life, Anakin thought to himself, to get to see you here, now, this happy. Anakin relished this thought for a moment, and then looked up, seeing you watching him. You both laughed.
"You really can be annoying, when you do that," Anakin said, rolling his eyes.
"I can't help it," you said, the smile falling off your face. "I can't turn it off."
"I know," Anakin responded seriously. "Sometimes, though," he said, looking back at you, his smile gracing his face once again, "I wish it were me, with your Force gift. Sometimes I wish I were the one who could read your thoughts."
"I for one am glad you can't," you said, laughing nervously.
"What would I find, though," Anakin asked quietly, leaning forward in his chair, staring into your eyes, "if I could?" You stared back at him, for one moment, before reaching for his glass of nectarwine. Draining it in one gulp, you stood out of your chair, stretched your arms, and then ran back into the ocean, splashing your way from the shallows out toward the horizon.
can you tell? that i wish i was on an island somewhere? lol. let me know if you'd like to be tagged when the next Chapter is posted!! (also if you asked to be added to the taglist and i forgot, just ask again woops) until then, enjoy a beautiful A Jedi's Return gif:
Warnings: teeny bit o angst, lot of lover's nerves honestly
Summary: You and Anakin depart for Levangé
Word Count: 2.8k (a bit shorter than usual bc I have been very busy but I love you so here's a bridge chapter that will get us where we need to go)
"This is insane," you said, holding up a dress with only the tips of your fingers, like it might be poisonous. You looked around at the outfits strewn about the briefing room.
"Part of the job," Master Yuma said bracingly, looking around the room as if she too were overwhelmed by the colors. Senator Voure had sent what she had called "a few things" for you to wear while you impersonated her on Levangé. The outfits you saw around you were more intense, in number and in quality, than you could have imagined of clothes. You looked down at your own beige tunic, touching it helplessly. You'd never worn anything different than Jedi attire, ever. You supposed you must have worn something else as a child, on Batu, but you couldn't remember that.
You walked across the room, trying to think clearly in spite of the dissonance of pattern and texture around you. Your ribs twinged in pain, and you grimaced—you'd just been let out of the medical bay this morning, and already, you were set to leave for your mission. Usually, you wouldn't have batted an eye at this pace—Jedi were often called into duty at inopportune times, at the last minute, or while recovering from injuries. Today, though, you felt differently. Maybe it was because this would be your first real mission without Master Yuma. Or, maybe it was the thought of the person who would be accompanying you in her stead that made you nervous.
"Don't senators ever dress practically?" you asked desperately, pulling some of the garments back into their suitcases.
"There are pants in here," Master Yuma said, a smile in her voice. She was teasing, you knew, in part to mask her worry and frustration at having to send you on a mission without her—your first mission without her.
"I don't know if I'd call these pants," you uttered to Yuma in an exasperated tone, holding up a clothing item with room for two legs, but that had colorful strands of fabric hanging off the sides. You assumed anyone wearing these might look a bit like a rathtar.
"You know, you might actually enjoy wearing something new for a change," Master Yuma said, taking the pants from your hands and folding them into the last of the suitcases. "You probably won't be away that long, anyway." You felt her Force presence pang with sadness, and saw her turn her face away from you.
"I'm going to be just fine," you reassured her, leaning your head against her upper arm.
"I know you are," Master Yuma said, turning to pull you into a tight hug. "You'll be back here before you know it." You let yourself melt into the hug, closing your eyes and breathing deeply.
"I sure hope so," you said quietly, dwelling on the mission at hand, and the Padawan who would be joining you. Master Yuma sighed.
"You know," Master Yuma said, pulling away from you, keeping her hands around the sides of your shoulders, "I've been pretending for some time now that you still need me...that you aren't ready for the trials. I'm sorry if I've been holding you back. If anything, it's been my own inability to let you go." Master Yuma's eyes filled with tears.
"Master," you said, shaking your head, "I will always need you. Now, and after the trials, and forever." You had rarely seen your Master cry, but today, of all days, it was too much for you. You threw yourself back into the hug, hiding your face in your Master's arms.
"It's time to go," Master Yuma said gently, dragging both of your minds back to your sense of duty. "This looks suitable," Master Yuma said, pulling a sheer gray flowing garment out of the last suitcase. You couldn't help your displeased expression. Master Yuma laughed, handing you the flowy dress and helping you to button it after you'd thrust it over your head. It as extravagant, and pointless, that much was certain. However, it only showed part of your neck and shoulders, and the material was actually quite soft. You couldn't help but blush in embarrassment, wearing this.
"One last thing," Master Yuma said, sighing and reaching for your Padawan braid. You knew that Master Yuma would re-braid it when you returned, knew that you were simply committing to the mission, but still—leaving the Temple in someone else's clothes, without your braid, felt like a bad omen.
Master Yuma piled the suitcases onto the hovercart and pressed the button to make it follow you—out of the briefing room, through the halls of the Temple, to the hangar on the northeastern side. You walked slowly beside your Master, reflecting on the fact that she wouldn't be coming with you. It didn't feel right, somehow, but you knew by now that this was the way of the world—change came swiftly, and was almost always too quick.
"I see our friends are waiting for us," Master Yuma said quietly as you stepped out onto the hangar, squinting in the Coruscanti sunlight and putting a hand up to cover your eyes. Anakin's pout was visible even from this great distance. He stood, his hands clasped together in front of him, next to Master Obi-Wan, who immediately walked forward to greet you both.
"Everything is set with the coordinates," Master Obi-Wan said as he reached you. You felt his nervous energy, his unhappiness at not being assigned to accompany you. "The ship will take you directly to the safehouse, which is situated at the edge of a very remote village in Levangé's southern hemisphere.
"Right," you said flatly, watching Anakin's unmoving stare as he stood next to...hold on—
"You are to imitate the senator's behavior as best you can, as if it were she who were vacationing in the south," Obi-Wan continued, "and keep both us and the council abreast of any disturbances that you notice in the village. The quicker we can take someone into custody, the quicker we can bring you both home." You were listening to him, you were—but you were more distracted by the ship behind Anakin. It was a BTL series Y-Wing Starfighter. You gawked at it.
"We're going all the way to Levangé...," you pointed, your face feeling hot, "in that?" The Y-Wing was a small, two-seater ship with no hull, and Levangé was many parsecs away, positioned as it was in the Outer Rim. All of this meant that you and Anakin would be sitting, back to back, in a confined cockpit, for a long, long time.
"We don't want another attack while in-transit," Obi-Wan explained, giving Yuma a knowing look. "Our enemies will expect Senator Voure to be traveling in style. Thus, to get you there safely, a smaller ship is our best bet."
You nodded, resigned to your fate. Obi-Wan pushed the hover cart in the direction of the ship, loading Senator Voure's suitcases—or, your suitcases, you supposed—into the small cargo hold. Master Yuma stepped in front of you, gripping your arm.
"You look miserable," Master Yuma whispered to you, stroking your hair. You said nothing, making sure your Force presence was pulled fully into yourself. This was a habit you'd been unable to shake, lately. Master Yuma sighed. "The Jedi Order, the Republic, the ideals on which you stake your life," Master Yuma said quietly, "mean nothing if you don't first embrace your own place within the galaxy." You gave Master Yuma an inquisitive look.
"How can you say that?" you whispered, glancing over her shoulder to make sure neither Obi-Wan nor Anakin would overhear.
"It's the truth," Master Yuma said simply. "Sacrificing your life for a cause means nothing if you do so only because of the influence of others."
"I'm not sacrificing anything," you told Master Yuma, looking her in the eye. "I'm going to be fine."
"I know you're going to be fine," Master Yuma said impatiently, letting go of your arm. "What I mean to say is this: you have only one life. Make sure you live it for yourself." She took a step back from you as Obi-Wan returned to escort you to the ship. You looked around and saw Anakin climbing into the pilot's seat. Whirling back to face Master Yuma, you gave her a confused stare, which she returned with a small smile. What did she mean, and why was she telling you this now? You allowed yourself to be led toward the ship.
And so it begins, you thought, climbing into the gunner's seat without so much of a glance at the back of Anakin's head.
The silence felt heavier than space itself. Anakin was surprised the ship didn't descend into the ether, or whatever lay beyond the flashing blue of hyperspace that illuminated his view out of the tiny cockpit. There he had sat, with you sitting behind him, facing the opposite direction, for almost four hours now—and nothing. No conversation, no sound at all. You could be asleep, for all he knew. It felt as if he were alone in this ship—you had pulled your own Force presence back so thoroughly that he couldn’t sense you at all, even though his mind knew that you were sitting behind him.
While Jedi often took ships of varying sizes out on missions, Anakin had been assigned with you and Master Yuma, as well as his own Master, so often that with you he'd always taken a ship of moderate size, with at least a cockpit and a main hull. If the two of you had been in one of those ships, you could have at least closed a door between you. Anakin would rather be truly alone than be sitting here, in your presence, feeling more alone than he had ever felt in his life.
Anakin's anger toward you had slowly evaporated over these past few weeks into a confused sadness. He regretted the way he had handled the situation with you, your last true conversation having gone so badly. If only he'd been able to stay calm; if only he'd been able to ask you, gently, why you didn't want to talk about your relationship, why you felt as if everything needed to remain unsaid. He had roved his own mind for weeks now, weeks of silence between the two of you, and he still couldn't puzzle out your feelings, still couldn't find any clues as to why you'd reacted the way you did. But instead of asking you to clarify your meaning, he'd flown off the handle, as always, and then iced you out. He'd wanted, in those days you'd been in the medical bay, to apologize for his behavior, to take your hand and sit by your bedside day and night. But he'd held himself back, primarily out of fear for how you'd react. You'd been as cold to him as he'd been to you, at least since he had refused to train with you after you'd both returned from Serenno. And now here you were, sitting so close together, but remaining emotionally so far apart. This wasn't what Anakin wanted. He had to fix this, but he didn't know how.
The silence was absolutely deafening. Anakin didn’t know what to say, after four long hours of travel, four long hours of sitting at your side but not being able to look at you. Getting his own lips to move took an enormous act of internal momentum.
"Y/N?" Anakin asked. He knew you were sitting there, even though he couldn't feel you or see you. He knew you were likely deep in thought yourself, possibly even taking in his own emotional landscape as you regarded your own. It wasn't fair. Why did you get to know everything he was feeling, and he couldn't even get two honest words out of you?
"What?" you asked, your voice sounding flat and unemotional. Anakin took a deep breath.
"Are you nervous?" he asked, his own nerves spilling out into his voice.
"About what?" you asked, your flat tone giving way to something else, an urgency you hadn't meant to convey. Anakin couldn't help a small smile. Here you were, impersonating the target of an assassination attempt, wanted for murder, and yet you still didn't understand what you had to be nervous about.
"About...our first mission, on our own," Anakin responded mildly.
"No," you said, the flat tone back in your speech.
"Me neither," Anakin lied, sighing, looking out at the blue of hyperspace and wishing you couldn't read his emotional impressions just now. The truth was, Anakin wasn't nervous about any potential threat you might face—he knew he could protect you from any and all attackers. What was causing Anakin's nerves had nothing to do with the mission at hand, and everything to do with the fact that the two of you were embarking on it alone, and in such a precarious relational state.
"Good," Anakin heard you remark bitterly, "seeing as you didn't want to be here in the first place."
"That's not true," Anakin said quietly, crossing his arms.
"Oh please," you said, and Anakin felt your Force presence slip a bit, a bit of yourself coming out into the atmosphere. "I was there. Obi-Wan had to all but drag you to the ship."
"It isn't because I didn't want to come," Anakin countered, his own voice coming out sounding angry. He took a deep breath, trying to control his impulses, trying to make sure he didn't lose his cool with you yet again.
"Then why?" Anakin paused, wondering if you wanted a real answer.
"I'm sorry, okay?" Anakin uttered. The words hung in the quiet of the ship, the quiet of hyperspace, the two of you zooming across the universe facing in opposite directions.
"You're sorry?" Anakin heard you ask, and he couldn't determine the tone of your voice, couldn't tell whether or not you were receptive to this turn in the conversation.
"Yes. I'm sorry I...I'm sorry I got so angry with you. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I don't want the whole mission to be like this, I can't take it." Anakin was losing his cool again, but at least this time what poured out of him was earnest, rather than angry. You seemed to prefer it when Anakin was vulnerable and sincere. He was learning. "I want to go back to being friends."
The following silence was excruciating. How dare you leave these words hanging in the air, without so much as an acknowledgment that you had heard them? Anakin felt himself growing frustrated again. He wanted to shake you, to tell you to spit it out already, to beg you to say something, anything. Instead, he sat quietly, forcing himself to breathe, forcing himself to wait for your response.
"Okay," you said quietly.
"Okay?" Anakin asked, holding his breath.
"Okay," you responded. Anakin heard you sigh.
"So you...accept my apology?" Anakin waited. This silence felt complicated. Anakin couldn't tell what you were thinking.
"Yes," you breathed, and Anakin heard the bump of you leaning your head back against the seat. You were infuriating, with how little you were giving him.
"So will you stop hiding your presence now?" Anakin asked, trying to joke with you, to get you to loosen up, to act like yourself again.
"When I feel like it," you responded sardonically, and Anakin couldn't help but smile.
"I wonder what Levangé will be like," Anakin continued. He wanted to keep you talking, wanted to keep the communication open, at least, for the rest of the many hours you two would be spending in this small ship, facing away from each other.
"I wonder how long we'll be there," you said, your voice pensive.
"I'm sure Obi-Wan and Yuma will find the source of the pursuer dart," Anakin said, reassuringly, "and then we'll be able to put a stop to these separatist attacks altogether. Everything will go back to normal."
"Don't you feel it though?" Anakin heard you ask, and as you let out a bit more of your Force presence, Anakin felt the fear behind your words. "The change. The way things seem to be turning...cold. Falling apart."
"Don't talk like that, flea," Anakin said quickly, wanting nothing more than to make the fear in your voice go away, wanting to replace it with other emotions. "This is just another problem, one that the Jedi will solve, in time." There was a period of silence that followed this utterance.
"I hope so," you said, finally, and Anakin felt your uncertainty. He wished he could comfort you, wished so much that he could only turn around and look at you—but you and him were stuck, in your seats in this small ship, facing opposite directions, like two spires pointing forever away from one another. Anakin faced forward, looking ahead; you faced backward, looking at where you'd been.
let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for Chapter 19!! i've been getting a wee bit busy but don't worry, Levangé is going to be juicy as hell! love you all
With a portion of the map provided by BB-8 combined with the remaining section offered by a reawakened R2-D2, the whereabouts of missing Jedi Luke Skywalker were finally revealed. With Leia’s blessing, Rey, Chewbacca and Artoo took off in the Millennium Falcon to locate the long-lost Jedi hero. It was a lone Rey who found him in the grassy mountain peak of a distant, ocean-island world. Hooded and silent, Skywalker looked at Rey intently as she reached out to hand him his long-lost lightsaber.
Warnings: really nothing, just mention of violence and recovering from violence, but it's Star Wars so what do you expect (tiny bit of angst but hopefully that will improve soon)
Summary: While you and Anakin struggle with the aftermath of your fight, your new assignment goes poorly; a new strategy is planned in addressing the separatist attacks (this chapter sets up the events that will be AOTC. it's all happening, folks.)
Word Count: 3.5k
The cold of the early morning blew through the open entrance to the Temple. You shivered, wiping sleep out of your eyes, and pulled your robe around yourself more tightly. It was worth it, you reminded yourself, to get up this early. The mess hall would be nearly empty at this hour. The thought of breakfast this early in the morning turned your stomach, but the breakfast hall would be warm, with a roaring fire, and it would have caf. You hurried forward, eager to pass out of the cold air blowing into the Temple. You smelled the sweet smell of the Jedi's usual breakfast—freshly baked seed breads, various proteins, simple, reasonable fares that would serve their optimal nutritional purpose.
Entering the breakfast hall, you breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't here. You made your way over to collect your food, a few pieces of toasted bread and some fruit, and were in the midst of pouring yourself a large, steaming cup of caf when you felt it. To call it a disturbance in the Force would be overstating it, but you certainly felt disturbed, feeling Anakin's troubled presence enter behind you. You didn't turn, but merely took your plate and cup and walked over to sit in the corner of the hall, alone. You tried to keep your hands from shaking as you grabbed utensils. What was he doing up this early? Why in the world would he choose to breakfast at this hour? Unless he, too, was trying to avoid...
You couldn't help yourself. You stole a glance over your shoulder to look at him. Anakin, tall and lanky, in his new darker colored robes and vest he had taken to wearing, was pouting, his jaw set as he collected his breakfast. It wasn't that you had been trying to actively avoid him; it was that seeing him in the hallways of the Temple brought back all the bad feelings you'd been shoving down inside of yourself, ever since you'd returned from Serenno a few weeks ago. And it wasn't just your own memories you were grappling with—being in his presence meant feeling the tornado inside of him, all of the hurt, anger, among other things, things that made you feel as if your heart was breaking into tiny pieces and shattering on the floor, over and over again, in an endless loop. Suffice to say, being in Anakin's presence these days was more than you could handle.
You drank a sip of caf, burning your throat, and started to cough. You felt Anakin look over at you, and forced yourself to continue facing the opposite direction, into the corner. Would this never end?
As you were picking at the bread you didn't feel like eating, an opposite and opposing force entered the dining hall. You turned around, smiling slightly, making eye contact with your Master as she strolled over to where you were sitting.
"Aren't you going to eat?" you asked her, seeing that she'd skipped the breakfast array all together.
"There isn't time," Master Yuma said, putting a hand on your shoulder. "Our presence is requested."
"We have a new mission?" you asked, glancing quickly over at Anakin's turned head. Master Yuma paused.
"No," Master Yuma said, unease entering her Force presence. "You do."
"The office of the Chancellor?" you asked, trying to keep up with Master Yuma as she strolled, quickly, through the Republic Executive Building. "Why in blazes are we being briefed there?"
"The Chancellor himself has requested this assignment," Master Yuma said, her nerves causing her to walk even faster. "We mustn't be late." The two of you walked quickly through the luxurious hallway until you reached the lift that would take you to the penthouse, at the very top.
When the lift had ascended and the doors opened, you saw Chancellor Palpatine sitting behind a large desk. Around him stood a handful of senators, Master Windu, and Master Yoda. You squeaked in surprise. Master Yoda was rarely involved in the briefing of your missions. Of course, neither was the Supreme Chancellor himself.
"Ah, she is here," the Chancellor said, standing and opening his arms in welcome. "Yuma, lovely to see you as always."
"Likewise, Chancellor Palpatine," Master Yuma responded, walking forward deferentially, one hand behind your back to guide you forward with her. You stumbled a bit.
"And your charming Padawan," the Chancellor said amicably, turning to face you. "Y/N, isn't it?"
"Yes, Chancellor," you said, mirroring Master Yuma's deference, "a pleasure to see you again."
"I wish it were under better circumstances," the Chancellor said, sitting back down as you and Master Yuma joined the ranks surrounding the Chancellor's desk.
"Agree with you on this course of action, I do not," Master Yoda entuned, looking over at you before returning his gaze to Chancellor Palpatine.
"Y/N is certainly up to the task," Master Windu said firmly.
"What task?" you asked, looking between your Masters, then back to the Chancellor.
"We are taking a new approach to try to determine who is ordering these attacks on the senators of the Galactic Republic," Master Windu explained, his gaze harsh and determined. "The Chancellor has suggested a Jedi should impersonate a senator—one we believe is a likely target—in order to capture the attacker, to be taken in for questioning." You felt Master Yuma's unease grow in the Force.
"And you believe that Jedi should be me?" you asked, putting two and two together. Master Windu pulled out a small holoprojector, setting it on Chancellor Palpatine's desk. A holo-image of a senator arose from its base.
"This is Senator Voure," Chancellor Palpatine said, his voice kind, watching you attentively. "She is in staunch opposition to the Military Creation Act. She is currently off world, but has been expected to return to Coruscant later this afternoon."
"Surely, you see the resemblance," Master Windu said, looking between you and the hologram. You squinted. Sure, Senator Voure was young, female, and petite. She had somewhat of a similar hair color to you. Other than that, though, you didn't think the two of you looked that much alike. Still, from far away, you could certainly pass for this woman.
"So," you said, intuiting the plan, "it is I who will be...'returning' to Coruscant in her stead?"
"Yes," Chancellor Palpatine said. "We believe having you impersonate Senator Voure will serve the dual purpose of keeping her safe, and allowing the Jedi Order the opportunity to discover more about the mysterious figurehead behind these attacks."
"Using her as bait, you mean," Master Yuma said, weaving a protective arm around you, looking cross.
"Your Padawan is more than capable of handling herself," Master Windu told Master Yuma. "She has proven herself a worthy adversary, to any bounty hunter who might try to engage her."
"Proven herself, she has," Master Yoda said, looking up at you with his wise old face. "But force her to do this, we must not."
"Y/N," Master Yuma asked, looking at you with wide eyes. "Do you agree to this?" You thought it over for a moment, reaching out with the Force, feeling the room. You shivered. For some reason, it was colder in here than it had been outside. You looked down at the hologram of Senator Voure, and thought about what the creation of an Army of the Republic might mean.
"Yes," you said, looking up at Chancellor Palpatine. "I'll do it."
Anakin could barely see through the storm in his head. He ran through the hallways of the Temple, struggling to stay upright, his limbs not wanting to move, though his mind desperately needed to get him there, to get closer.
He'd heard about the bomb. He didn't understand it. What had you been doing on that ship, a senator's ship? He'd seen you in the breakfast hall just this morning. What had happened to you? Were you okay? What if you weren't? What if the last interactions he'd had with you had been in anger? What if he'd spent the last few weeks since Serenno ignoring you, and now you were gone? His insides felt like a scream; his arms and legs felt like fire. He felt he could burn this whole Temple to the ground, without meaning to, just by being here, just by feeling this way.
No, he told himself sternly, forcing his feet to move, one after the other, up the stairs, over to the western wing of the Temple, where the medical chambers were. You would be okay. He couldn’t let himself burn up completely. Not yet. What if you needed him? He had to keep moving.
He burst into the medical chamber, alarming the droid who stood at the doors, ignoring its questioning as he raced past empty beds, into the next room, the room where they kept critical patients. His heart turned to stone. There you were, laying in the bed, tubes strapped to your face and arms, your head bandaged. And Obi-Wan, turning towards him from your bedside, his hands coming up, palms forward, as if to stop Anakin from coming any closer, as if in a vain attempt to calm him.
"What happened!?" Anakin demanded, striding the length of the room, almost crashing into Obi-Wan's outstretched arms.
"She's going to be fine," Obi-Wan said, his voice quiet, calm, and even, as always. Anakin breathed deeply, blinking his eyes and trying to get oxygen into his lungs.
"She's...going to be...?" Anakin sputtered, looking at you, laying in that bed with your eyes closed, air flowing through a tube to your nose. What were you wearing? Instead of your usual Jedi tunic, you were wearing what appeared to be a stately gown, yellow and pink, in a fine material that barely covered your shoulders. Anakin gawked, trying to understand the juxtaposition of this outfit with your bandages and the hospital environment.
"She's going to be just fine," Obi-Wan said again, putting his hands on his Padawan's shoulders, trying to steady him as if he were a bucking rancor. Anakin heaved deep breaths, watching you, turning back to Obi-Wan.
"You're sure?" Anakin asked, his voice cracking.
"Positive. The medics have confirmed she'll make a full recovery." Obi-Wan gestured for Anakin to sit in the chair on the other side of your bed, and Anakin threw himself into it reluctantly.
"What happened? I heard a senator's ship was attacked. Why—"
"Senator Voure's ship landed on a hangar that was rigged with explosives," Obi-Wan explained carefully, watching Anakin as if afraid he were the one about to explode.
"Why was Y/N on the senator's ship?" Anakin asked, his breath still coming fast, wiping his sweaty hands on his knees.
"Because," Obi-Wan said, sighing, looking Anakin in the face, "Y/N was impersonating Senator Voure. We expected the senator would be on the receiving end of something like this—"
"So you put Y/N in there on purpose? You knew the ship would be attacked, and you allowed her to get on it?" Anakin asked, his anger rising in him, looking at his Master in disbelief.
"I didn't put her anywhere," Obi-Wan said, his face sympathetic. "Chancellor Palpatine consulted with the council, who recognized an opportunity—"
"Using Y/N as bait? Putting her up for the separatists like a Yala for slaughter?" Anakin bellowed, waving his hands in the air.
"Anakin, you've got to calm down. Everything is okay," Obi-Wan said, his eyebrows upturned, feeling truly sympathetic for his Padawan.
"Why wasn't I informed of this plan?" Anakin huffed, his nostrils flaring.
"I wasn't even informed until after the fact," Obi-Wan said, keeping his voice calm and even, trying, it seemed, to soften the blow of this revelation. But Anakin didn't feel calmed—he felt spiky, angry, as if he were erupting. How could the council make such a heartless and selfish decision? Did they really care more about finding information than they cared for your own life?
"Uohhr..." you emitted softly, turning your head from one side to the other on your pillow. The noise you'd made evaporated Anakin's anger. It still hung, in the air around him, but it was no longer concentrated, no longer the most important emotion he was feeling. Anakin immediately took one of your hands in both of his, the hand that was not strapped to the machines near your bed.
"She's only mildly concussed, with a few bruises to her ribs," Obi-Wan said quietly, watching Anakin carefully. "They gave her pain relief, which is sedating her, but she should be out of here in a few days, and fully back to normal in a few weeks." Anakin nodded, not taking his eyes off you. What could he say to you, when you awoke? That he had been childish? He was still angry at you, even now, for your inability to face him, your inability to own up to your own feelings. If it was a rejection you were holding back—if he really meant nothing to you outside of friendship—Anakin could take it. But you wouldn't even give him that, and it frustrated him, that you withheld yourself so firmly. He didn't understand it. But it didn't matter, now. Anakin felt his face flushing in embarrassment and fear, wondering how you would react to him when you awoke, wondering whether you were angry with him. He supposed he would find out soon enough.
You felt a softness around you, a physical softness, but a softness that was also in the air, in the vibrations of energy surrounding your motionless form. There was even a softness inside of you, making all of your limbs feel fuzzy. You felt the physical softness to be pillows. You smiled, moving your head against their pleasant surface, feeling the softness in the air swell at the same time. You stretched your arms, but met resistance—you felt your hand moving out of an enclosure, the warm, hard edges surrounding your hand falling away, and felt some kind of string pulling back on your other arm. You frowned.
You opened your eyes, and felt the softness in the air fall away, dissolve into a nervous, distant energy. The softness of the bed and the pillows remained, and you blinked, trying to sort out your surroundings. It was very bright in here, and your eyes felt a bit watery.
"Y/N?" you heard a familiar voice say, and you blinked again, trying to get your eyes to focus.
"Obi-Wan?" you asked softly, surprised to hear how feeble your voice was.
"I'm here," you heard Master Obi-Wan say. "How are you feeling?"
"Soft," you said, sighing, leaning your head back and blinking your eyes some more. You heard Master Obi-Wan chuckle.
"That's good," Obi-Wan said, and you heard the smile in his Force presence. You looked around, and saw his face smiling down at you, his familiar beard and long hair glistening from the bright lights on the ceiling.
"Where's Master Yuma?" you asked blearily, looking around. It was then that you saw Anakin, and you breathed in, the softness you felt giving way to a spiky feeling, an embarrassed hurt, a useless fear. Anakin was sitting back in his chair, his body leaned away from you, as if to create distance, but he was looking at you earnestly. You felt a mix of worry, fear, affection, and that familiar anger behind his eyes, but you also felt other things, and, as usual, you couldn’t sort through them. You flushed, a hint of anger entering your own presence. Why was he here, when he had refused to even speak to you for the last two weeks? What did he have to say for himself?
"She went to speak with the council," Master Obi-Wan said, in answer to your question, looking at Anakin, then back at you. "Y/N, do you remember what happened?" The soft feeling in your veins was fading, and you thought back, trying to remember the morning.
"The ship was attacked," you said slowly, remembering putting on Sentaor Voure's clothes, boarding the ship in a discreet location, and then landing on the senator's hangar. You flushed, realizing you were still wearing this gown, one that left much of your shoulders on display. You reached for the medi-blanket, pulling it up to your chin.
"The hangar was rigged with explosives," Master Obi-Wan said seriously. "Master Yuma is asking the council to call off this assignment, given the circumstances."
"But this attack proves that our strategy is working!" you protested, trying to sit up in bed, but feeling a pain in your ribs. "We just need to be smarter about this. We can't quit now."
"Y/N, you could have died, had you been positioned differently on that ship," Master Obi-Wan said, and at his words, Anakin leaned forward in his chair, looking back and forth between you and Obi-Wan.
"I didn't die, and I’m not going to," you said defiantly. "We just need a better plan. We're so close to discovering—"
You were interrupted by the doors of the medical bay opening, and Master Yuma striding through them.
"I'm glad to see you're awake," Master Yuma said, striding over to your bedside and hugging you gingerly, then stepping back and kissing the top of your head. "How are you feeling?"
"I feel fine," you said, watching Master Yuma carefully, trying to understand the agitation you felt in her Force presence. "What did the council say?"
Master Yuma responded by giving Master Obi-Wan an incensed look. "They believe we should send you off world," Master Yuma said slowly, through gritted teeth. "As the senator. They think doing so will force whoever is behind these attacks to send bounty hunters, rather than using more crude forms of killing, like explosives."
"We'll go with her, then," Master Obi-Wan said, looking at Master Yuma with pleading eyes. "As her Jedi escort. That's believable, that the Republic would assign Jedi to her tail, after an attempted assassination."
"The council believes," Master Yuma said, her nostrils flaring, "that sending well-known Jedi Knights will cause the attackers to resort to more dangerous alternatives, in their attempts to harm her."
"They want us to send her alone?!" Master Obi-Wan said, incredulous. "We can't do that."
"I'm fully capable of going on a mission alone," you said defiantly, trying and failing to push yourself up on your pillows.
"But with an attempted assassination—" Master Obi-Wan objected, turning to you.
"They've agreed," Master Yuma said, her voice calming, though only slightly, "to allow us to send a Padawan to accompany her." Everyone in the room was quiet, as all turned to look at Anakin. Anakin flushed scarlet.
"I don't know..." Anakin started, sounding uncomfortable. Your face grew hot with anger. These were the first words you'd heard him say in weeks. Did he hate you so much that he refused to go on an assignment with you?
"I can go alone," you said flatly, turning back to your Masters.
"You'd rather her remain unprotected?!" Obi-Wan asked, turning to his Padawan incredulously.
"Of course not," Anakin said, looking at the ground, pulling on a thread of his tunic's sleeve.
"Unprotected?" You asked, the volume of your voice rising. "What do you think I am, a youngling?"
"I am more than certain you can take on any attacker, Y/N. What worries me is how much is still unknown..." Obi-Wan cut himself off, fingering something in his pocket.
"The Chancellor himself suggested Anakin accompany you," Master Yuma said, "and I'm not about to disagree. We don't know what we're facing here, Y/N. If you have to impersonate the target of an assassination attempt, I'd rather you do so with a companion."
You sat there, pouting. You would have crossed your arms, had one of your wrists not been hooked up to an IV.
"Anakin?" Master Obi-Wan said expectantly, looking at his Padawan. The two of them seemed to have some kind of silent conversation. There was a lot of complexity in the emotions involved. You tried to parse through it, but gave up. What did it matter, why Anakin didn't want to be around you? That was his problem. You were done worrying about his insolence.
"Okay," Anakin agreed, sighing, the defiance in his Force presence turning to a deep sadness. This confused you even more. "When do we leave?"
"In a few days," Master Yuma answered, watching your face. "Once Y/N has recovered. You'll be departing to Levangé, Senator Voure's home world. There, you will pretend to be the senator, hiding out at one of their political safehouses."
"What's that?" you asked Master Obi-Wan, seeing him fingering something small in his hands. He started, as if he were unaware of his movements, deep in his thoughts.
"The pursuer dart," Obi-Wan explained reluctantly.
"The one that tried to kill Senator Grano?" you asked, crinkling your eyebrows.
"And you, if you remember correctly," Master Obi-Wan said, sighing. "Look at this." He held the broken pieces of the pursuer dart out for you to look at, fingering them carefully. You had to squint, but you could see the small, mysterious markings on the side of the dart.
"What does it mean?" you asked, breathing, looking back up at Obi-Wan.
"We aren't sure," Master Yuma said. "But while you two are on Levangé, we plan to find out."
Warnings: more angst (sorry), pouty Anakin, and dissociative symptoms? lol
Summary: Dealing with the aftermath of your difficult conversation with Anakin, you are presented with a new mystery to solve
Word Count: 4.4k
"Tyrannus?" Master Obi-Wan said again, stroking his beard, sitting in the ship's hull with you and Master Yuma. "I've never heard that name before. Though," Obi-Wan continued thoughtfully, "it could be a codename. Someone powerful enough to order an assassination likely wouldn't reveal his true identity to his underlings."
"Or hers," Master Yuma agreed, "or theirs. And how does this Tyrannus fit into what we've discovered about Dooku?"
While you and Anakin had been...well, arguing, Master Yuma and Master Obi-Wan had discovered evidence of Count Dooku's involvement in an effort to unite various separatist factions into a real political movement. Of course, it was unlikely that Dooku himself was involved in the separatist violence toward the Galactic Senate. There was no motive. Still, Dooku's political leanings meant that you needed to tread carefully. His efforts to secede from the Republic could have dangerous consequences.
"We'll need to leave the system, and then return," Master Yuma suggested. "That way, we can land in the space port and state our intentions to pay a diplomatic visit to Count Dooku. He won't need to know of what we have learned already."
"You said Anakin wasn't far?" Obi-Wan asked, looking at you attentively.
"He wanted...to make sure the perimeter was secure," you said slowly, as if your tongue was numb, looking down at your hands. This was a feeble excuse, and you knew it, but Obi-Wan didn't seem inclined to press you further.
"I'll go and fetch him." Master Obi-Wan rose from the flight couch and strolled down the ship's open ramp into the forest. You and Master Yuma sat quietly for a moment, you making sure your Force presence was pulled fully inward, into the singularity inside you, the infinitely dense space where you could hide yourself when needed. It was no use.
"Spill it," Master Yuma said, sitting across from you, leaning forward and looking you in the eye. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened," you said, quasi-truthfully, avoiding your Master's gaze.
"I'll know soon enough," Master Yuma said, inclining her head toward the ramp. You knew she was right—Master Yuma would be able to read enough of the situation in Anakin's Force presence when he returned. You sighed.
"Truly, nothing happened," you pleaded, glancing at Master Yuma's beautiful face, feeling a sting of embarrassment. "I—I don't know what you all want from me." Your cheeks burned as anger singed through your insides. "I'm supposed to follow the code; I'm supposed to be compassionate; I'm supposed to put other's needs before my own; I'm supposed to do all of this at once, and I'm trying to, but it's like trying to hold together a starship with a thin strand of string. It's impossible to do all of it at once without hurting anyone. I can't—" You blinked back tears out of your eyes. "I can't make everyone happy, I can't be the perfect Jedi, and I'm trying so hard. Everyone is mad at me, all the time." You wiped your nose with the sleeve of your tunic. You knew you sounded like a whiny teenager, but you didn't care. You couldn't keep your frustration inside yourself any longer.
"No one is mad at you," Master Yuma said softly, reaching out her hand to place it over yours.
"Anakin is," you said, your face falling into despair. "And you are, too," you continued, looking your Master in the eye and pulling your hand away. "I know you think I should be handling this differently. I don't know what you want from me!" You stood up, swinging your hands. "I'm trying my best to keep everything together, and it's not enough for you, or for Anakin, or for the Order."
"I'm sorry, Y/N," Master Yuma entuned softly, remaining still in her seated position, exuding the calm wisdom that came so easily to her. "If I've been too harsh with you, if I've overstepped my bounds, if I've made my opinions known without focusing first on your feelings—I apologize for my mistakes." Master Yuma's humility stripped the anger right out of your presence, and, as you usually did after an outburst like the one you'd just had, you felt remorse seep through you. You hung your head.
"I'm the one who should be sorry," you said quietly, turning to sit next to Master Yuma. "I shouldn't have lashed out like that. I'm just," you scrunched up your face, pushing the tears out of your eyes with your fingers, "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to make everything okay."
"Sometimes you can't," Master Yuma said graciously, stroking your hair like she used to do when you were younger. "You can only do your best to make decisions that are right, and good."
"I am trying," you sighed. The feeling of her hands on your hair made you feel comforted in a way only Master Yuma could comfort you. It made you feel younger, like you were protected from harm.
"Then I commend you for that," Master Yuma smiled slightly. "And I'll leave it to you, to decide how to handle this...problem. I trust you, your instincts, and your intentions."
"Thank you," you said miserably. This support was helpful, sure—but it didn't solve the problem at hand, the one that was likely walking back to the ship now, hating your guts.
Anakin lay amidst the mosses and leaves, staring up at the gaps in the tree canopy. He knew this was called crown shyness—when trees wouldn't ever touch the trees growing next to them, giving them space, leaving these small gaps for sunlight to get through. These trees were like you, he thought bitterly. Always leaving just the smallest gap, never allowing him to get too close to you. The trees must have some scientific reason for growing like this, he thought. But what was your reasoning?
Anakin's anger had calmed into a dull ache, a bitter, hostile feeling that he felt attach inside of him, gripping around his organs. He didn't understand. As much as he thought through it, he couldn't make sense of your behavior. You had let Henry declare himself—you had let Henry tell you how much he admired you, how much he wanted to kiss you. Granted, you had jumped off a building after Henry's declaration, but still. Surely you had read Henry's emotional intentions as clearly as you had read Anakin's. Why had Henry been allowed to declare feelings for you aloud? Why hadn't you stopped him, the way you had stopped Anakin? Could you really believe he was trying to trick you—could you really think this was all about him being competitive?
Sure, Anakin had played into the competition that had grown between the two of you over the years. He'd found it fun, and comical, and also inevitable—the two of you were the best in your rank, and of course you wanted to beat each other, both having such competitive natures to begin with. But how could you think Anakin would put that over his friendship with you—his love?
Certainly, you were able to read Anakin's emotions well enough to know that his intentions had nothing to do with competition. So why would you say that you thought they did? What did you wish to gain, or avoid?
"Will you tell me what's wrong? Or are you planning to stew in your anger a bit longer?" Anakin turned his head in the direction of his Master's sarcastic voice, seeing Obi-Wan standing amongst the trees. Anakin pushed himself up on his arms.
"Stew, I think," Anakin responded moodily, standing up and brushing some of the dried moss off his tunic.
"Either way," Obi-Wan said shortly, crossing his arms and legs, standing in a casual position. "We're needed back at the ship. We plan to pay Count Dooku a visit."
Anakin started to walk back in the direction of the ship, slightly reluctantly, and Obi-Wan followed. "Y/N told us of your discovery," Obi-Wan said, watching his Padawan, "but we have no knowledge of anyone called Tyrannus. Interesting, indeed." Anakin said nothing, looking angrily at his feet as he stomped through the twigs and moss back in the ship's direction.
"What happened?" Obi-Wan asked, his voice kinder, ignoring Anakin's request to stew in his emotions.
"Nothing," Anakin said grumpily.
"Anakin, allowing your anger to fester is dangerous," Obi-Wan said, carefully, his voice even. "You mustn't allow it to grow inside of you, like this. You will lose control over it."
"I have plenty of control over my emotions," Anakin responded tersely. "It's Y/N you should be lecturing."
"Ah," Obi-Wan let out, looking at his Padawan as they walked. "Why do you say that?"
"Because she's infuriating," Anakin said angrily, kicking a stick as he walked.
"I find her to be very pleasant company," Obi-Wan said, a small smile crossing his face. Anakin knew his Master was baiting him, trying to get him to divulge what had happened between the two of you, but he wasn't going to give in.
"Well, then, she should have been your Padawan. Instead of me," Anakin said crossly.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan said, putting his arm on his Padawan's shoulder.
"I said I don't want to talk about it, okay?" Anakin shrugged Obi-Wan off and stalked ahead of him, leaving his Master to follow behind.
"And, as quickly as we vanished," Master Yuma said, pulling the ship out of hyperspace, "we reappear." You gazed out of the viewport. The view over Serenno was the same as the last time you'd seen it, but the feeling inside of the ship couldn't be more different. You sat across from Anakin, who had refused to say a word to you since he'd returned to the ship with Obi-Wan. You looked back at him, but he refused to even look at you. You saw his pouting face turned to the side, his jaw set in bitterness. You felt this anger surrounding his Force presence, but underneath it, you felt that he was still dwelling on your conversation, trying to make sense of it. You couldn't help yourself. You dove deeper into his presence, feeling his hurt with him, feeling his confusion. It hurt you, too, to think over these things. But you had done what you'd needed to do. You and Anakin couldn't let your relationship change. You couldn't violate the code. You'd be forced to leave the Jedi Order. You needed to be strong, for him as much as for yourself.
Anakin set his mouth into a firmer pout, putting his head into his hands, and you felt his thoughts turn to you, in this very moment, his anger lashing out toward you, his feelings of embarrassment and shame welling up as he communicated, very clearly, the desire for you to get out of his head. You let out the soft sound of a small inhale. Anakin had never, ever expressed that he felt intruded on, when you read his presence. He had never expressed the desire for you to stop reading him, with or without words. You looked away from him quickly, feeling tears springing behind your eyes. You closed your lids, and breathed deeply, but it was no use. You couldn't stop feeling Anakin's emotional impressions any more than you could stop hearing the whirring of the ship, any more than you could stop feeling the flight seat beneath you. It wasn't a sense you could turn off. You felt remorseful. You felt trapped. You drew your Force presence even deeper into yourself.
"That landing hangar, there," you heard Master Obi-Wan say to Master Yuma through the open door to the cockpit. You felt the ship touch down and opened your eyes, but Anakin was already standing up, turning his back to you, waiting at the ship's ramp.
"We've sent a transmission," Master Obi-Wan said, approaching the ramp with Master Yuma. "Count Dooku knows we have arrived to speak with him about the attacks on the senate."
"Why all the secrecy earlier," Anakin asked harshly, anger still permeating his tone, "if we were just going to state our intentions so clearly?"
"It's best to gather information from many sources," Master Obi-Wan said sagely. You tried to focus on the mission at hand, but you found your thoughts dwelling on Anakin, a despair you couldn't control seeping into every part of your mind. You didn't know whether this despair was your own, or if it was coming from Anakin, if it was even real. Your head was beginning to feel foggy. You and Anakin followed your Masters off the ship and out of the port, walking up the high street toward the capitol building, where your meeting with Count Dooku would take place. You watched your feet move beneath you, the cobblestones of the street moving past in a blur of the sunlight. Fully visible in your Jedi robes, you felt the presences around you taking in the sight of you and your fellows, felt the whispers moving past your senses, but you couldn't focus on any individual strand, any one presence. I must still be tired, you thought, trying to shake the brain fog out of you, but it was getting worse.
You looked upward toward the capitol building, cylindrical like all of the buildings on Serenno, but larger, grander in scale and beauty. You felt as if the air you were breathing in wasn't moving to your organs, like you were walking through thick sand.
"Something's wrong," you said, struggling to move your legs upward toward the capitol building. You heard the whispering presences through the Force grow louder around you, a cacophony of different emotions calling out to you.
"What?" Master Yuma turned back to you, and you saw her as if through a veil, felt her move toward you as if in slow motion. The fog descended around you. You saw Master Obi-Wan start to turn around, saw Anakin ignoring you, walking forward.
"Something..." you tried to say, but your legs started to feel weak underneath you. You closed your eyes, breathing deeply, trying to ground yourself in the Force. You felt outward, feeling the end of the root out in front of you, the root moving toward the base of the tremor, in the direction of the capitol building. You felt a presence acknowledge you, as if in fear.
"He...he knows I'm here," you said, your eyes still closed, trying to remain conscious. "But how—?"
"Y/N, what is it?" Master Obi-Wan asked urgently, grabbing onto your arm.
"It's happening again," you heard Master Yuma's terrified voice say to Master Obi-Wan.
"How does he know who I am?" you asked, your eyes dancing under their lids as you used your other senses to reach out to this presence. It did not feel the same as the black hole of a presence you'd felt on Hoth; still, there was something similar, a hint of darkness. If that presence had been a frozen sea, this one might be an ice cube. There was something nefarious in the Force, a disturbance that was taking all of your senses hostage.
"Y/N, you're scaring me," you heard Master Yuma say, as if from a distance. "Y/N, please, what is it? What's going on?" You worked the air in and out of your lungs, opening your eyes, taking in the blurry forms of Master Yuma and Master Obi-Wan.
"He's leaving," you whispered, feeling the presence turn, as if it were striding through a door, and slamming it shut.
"Who is leaving?" Master Yuma asked, watching your face. Behind your Masters, you saw a small ship taking off into the sky, as if from a hidden hangar in the capitol building.
"Count Dooku," you said, blinking, seeing your Masters more clearly. You saw Anakin standing at a distance, glancing up at you and then averting his eyes back to the ground, his face screwed up in a pout. You could tell he was listening closely.
"How do you—?" Master Obi-Wan began, but you shook your head.
"I'm not crazy," you pleaded, looking at both of your Masters.
"No one said you were," Master Yuma said, looking frantically back and forth between you and Obi-Wan. The brain fog was overwhelming you again.
"Y/N, you don't look so good," Master Obi-Wan observed. "Master Yuma will take you back to the ship. Anakin and I will check on Dooku's status." You nodded, turning to look at Anakin, who was still staring at the ground. Could he really cling to his anger, even now? Would he really refuse to look at you?
Master Yuma wrapped a firm arm around you and started to walk you back in the direction from which you'd come. You were shaking. You didn't know why, but you didn't want to leave Anakin's side. You turned your head back, looking to Anakin, pushing out with the Force. You reached out with your hurt, pleading with him just to look in your direction. Ani. You saw him grit his teeth firmly, and turn to walk the other way, refusing to even glance back at you.
You sat in your quarters, the sparse Padawan room feeling like a breath of fresh air after so long without sleep, and so long not being back at the Temple. You'd just awoken from a much needed nap. Here, surrounded by the safety of these walls, it was hard to remember the horrible nefarious buzzing feeling you'd felt on Serenno. Still, you tried to think back over that experience, tried to piece through what you'd felt. Thankfully, you'd been able to reunite with Jarin and his brother, escorting them safely off-world. They had recounted for Master Obi-Wan and Master Yuma what they had told you of the person called Tyrannus. You had been correct about Count Dooku; he had left shortly after his notice of your arrival. Master Obi-Wan and Master Yuma had agreed that this was suspicious, but they refused to jump to any conclusions. You had talked it over with your Master, and though you had no way of knowing this, you felt in your gut that Count Dooku had known of you, had recognized your presence. There was no explanation for this—why Count Dooku would know you, a lowly Padawan, made no sense.
Could the presence you had felt on Hoth those years ago have been Count Dooku's presence? Something in you didn't think so. But why would he have fled when Jedi came to Serenno on a diplomatic mission? Why did you feel this certainty, that Count Dooku had recognized you specifically? Why couldn't you shake the suspicion that you had been the reason Count Dooku had fled?
You felt her presence before she approached. You reached out with the Force, letting your Master know it was okay to come in before she knocked.
The door opened and Master Yuma walked through, smiling warmly at you, a stressed feeling vibrating through her Force presence.
"You look better," Master Yuma said, looking you over with a satisfied smile. You nodded back to her, sighing. "This last mission has given us a lot to think about, hasn't it?" Master Yuma approached your bed and sat, reaching her hand out to rub your back.
"Too much," you agreed. "Did you tell the council of my suspicions?" Master Yuma hesitated, her hand pausing mid-rub.
"The council...doesn't believe Count Dooku could have anything to do with the attacks on the senators," Master Yuma said carefully. You knitted your brow in frustration.
"Why?" you asked, trying to breathe through your elevated heartbeat.
"The council, in all of its wisdom, can at times fall into the trap of pride," Master Yuma explained. "Count Dooku was once a Jedi, trained by Master Yoda himself. They will not believe he would betray their code."
"Hasn't he already renounced their code?" you asked, confused. The more you tried to think through it all in your head, the more your head started to hurt.
"Y/N," Master Yuma said, soothingly, "you've been through a lot in these past few weeks. Try to put these concerns out of your mind, for now. Try to regain a sense of normalcy, of routine."
"But—"
"It is necessary, when one feels overwhelmed," Master Yuma said delicately, "to establish a sense of safety and regularity." You sighed.
"There's nothing normal about any of this," you emitted, your thoughts dwelling on Count Dooku, and then shifting to Anakin. You felt your face fall into a slight pout.
"Then we must try harder," Master Yuma said through a small smile, "to find that normalcy where we can." You felt in her pause something unsaid, and you turned to look at your Master, narrowing your eyes. Master Yuma met your gaze, and you felt the direction of her thoughts mirror your own.
"What is it you came in here to tell me?" you asked, suspicious.
"I have arranged sparring practice for you," Master Yuma said amiably, shrugging. "Now that you're feeling rested, a bit of practice—your normal routine—should do you some good." Your heart leapt as Master Yuma's thoughts dwelled on Anakin. You knew he wouldn't resist a good sparring match, and you knew he'd have to look at you, have to face you, speak to you again. You felt the corners of your mouth move upward, a smile gracing your face. Master Yuma looked delighted at this response.
"Anakin will be waiting for you on the eastern balcony at sunset," Master Yuma said, getting up off your bed and winking at you. "Don't hold back."
You sat very still. You knew if you allowed yourself any movement at all, you would break down, and you wouldn't let yourself do that. Your eyes were closed. You breathed evenly. You worked, hard, to keep your emotions at bay.
You were being silly. Anakin would come. He had been delayed, was all. And you knew that when he arrived, you wouldn't betray any negative emotions. You wouldn't give him that satisfaction. Everything would go back to the way it had been. When he came, he would find you here, meditating, like normal.
The minutes felt excruciatingly long. You breathed rhythmically, forcing air in and out of your lungs, forcing your face to remain composed. You would not give in. He would still come.
The minutes passed slowly, and you felt as if you were a statue beginning to crumble, sitting as you were, on this balcony, so still in your meditation pose. You felt your stone insides begin to crack. You felt the last bits of light fade from your skin. You couldn't keep yourself together any longer.
The moment you opened your eyes, and your body fell out of its position, you felt the tears flowing freely out of you. You didn't understand. How could he not come for you? Could he really be that angry with you? Didn't he understand, that everything you were doing was meant to hold your fragile lives together? Didn't he understand that you were doing this for his career as much as you were doing it for yours?
The pinks were fading from the Coruscanti skyline, the dark blue encroaching, and you let your emotions out, finally, kneeling as you faced the sky, weeping. How could things have gone so wrong? Anakin wasn't coming. Anakin had never before let you down, had never before failed to come for you, when you were waiting for him. The hurt of it was too much for you to bear. It felt as if you had been slashed through with a lightsaber, over and over again, the pain moving through your whole body. And you knew it was your fault.
"Find you here, I suspected I would," you heard behind you, and you stifled a gasp, turning your head. It wasn't often that anyone was able to sneak up on you, but your despair had clouded your senses.
"Master Yoda," you said through your tears, watching the old Jedi Master walking toward you, his cane hitting the marble of the balcony with an echoing click.
"A disturbance in the Force, I sensed," Master Yoda said in his calm, croaky voice. "Brought about, it was, by your grief." You looked at Master Yoda with wide eyes, the tears still falling softly, as he came and kneeled beside you, mirroring your body language, facing outward.
"Grief, Master?" you asked, trying to puzzle over the meaning of his words.
"Grief, yes, young one," Master Yoda said, looking out at the fading color in the sky. "Careful, we must be, with our feelings." You watched Master Yoda's face, but his eyes stared outward, looking far off into the distance.
"I—I fear my feelings stem from attachment," you spilled out, not able to keep up any pretense with this Jedi Master who made you feel as if you were once again five years old.
"Yes," Master Yoda responded, his calm pervading the atmosphere around the two of you. "Fear of loss, attachment can bring. But," Master Yoda continued, his ears perking up as he turned to look at you, "loss itself, does not bring about anger, or hatred. Our response to our grief, is what matters." You met Master Yoda's gaze, and saw on his face a small smile. In his Force presence, you felt nothing but calm, and a slight sense of pride, as he watched you. You sensed him thinking back to you as a youngling, sensed his admiration at how you had grown. You felt this Jedi's care for you in his very being, and it calmed you in a deep way. Being in Master Yoda's presence made everything feel okay.
"I have tried," you sighed, "to respond correctly. I have tried so hard," you said, a lone tear falling down your cheek, "to be compassionate to those around me, and to walk in the way of the light."
"Without compassion for the self," Master Yoda responded simply, "a Jedi cannot have compassion for others."
"Master?" you asked, confused, trying to make sense of this.
"Do right by your own feelings, you must," Master Yoda said firmly. "It is not feeling you must fear, but your response to feeling." You let these words sink in, trying to sort out their meaning. Master Yoda sighed. "True to your own feelings, you must be," Master Yoda said plainly, "if you wish to show compassion to others." You inhaled sharply. How could Master Yoda know--?
"Old, I am," Master Yoda said, standing slowly, using his cane for support. "Time for me to sleep, it is." Master Yoda smiled at you, a twinkle in his eye, before turning and exiting the balcony, leaving you alone with your thoughts.
WOW y'all I can't believe we've made it but the ATTACK OF THE CLONES ARC STARTS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER AHH anyway let me know if you want to be tagged in that :)
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