.daiscoverer. @daiscoverer - Tumblr Blog

Thank you for saving me.

As my world crumble and fall and as I’m on the verge of giving everything up and as I’m ready to let go, you guys made me cling to a thin line called dog’s unconditional love. As my world shatters I cant let yours to be broken too. I can’t bear the thought of you missing me and asking where am I and if I will ever be coming back to cuddle and snuggle you.

So NO. I will not take away your world because of my selfishness and wanted everything be over with. No, I will not take my life. I’m hurt as hell yeah but I will feel it, devour it even if it goes beyond my bone marrow. I will endure this with the hope that one day everything will be okay.

Who’s going to take care of you? To love you the way I do. These are the questions in my head when Im thinking of ending it all.

So…

Thank you for saving me mga anak.

The lust I don't understand.

It's not like I caught you with another woman or flirting with someone else; but I guess I made myself vividly clear when I said I don't want you watching shallow pleasures in the world wide web. Perhaps it's not cheating for many; but for a few just like me, it can be. Especially if you did it a few minutes after we made what we call love; or maybe at least for me it is love. It's as if I am not enough and you have to open things online just to fulfill what was lacking.

Am I really that boring in bed?

Am I really not giving you what you hoped for?

Am I the only one contented with what I have and with what you can give?

It is not painful as getting yourself another woman to flirt with but it is very disappointing. Knowing that you broke your promise again and again. I don't know what kind of lust clutch deep within you. I don't know what kind of s*x you've always wanted (forgive the word). And I don't think I can give it to you.

So how's that? I'm now filled with insecurities once again.

I've been wanting you to stop for some time now explaining that all it does was to fill me with self doubt. But I guess you never really understood 'coz you manage to sneak out and do want you wanted. And I can't be like this forever. If you don't want the path I want, then go ahead do as you please.

I don't want to argue anymore. As long as you know that I know what you did and you know what it made me feel; end of story for me. No quarrels, no questions and no long discussions, in fact no conversation about it anymore. I chose not to be bothered by it, I chose not to make it an issue again - it's on you after all. If that's you, then be you and you do you.

I don't want to hear another insincere apologies nor insubstantial justifications and reasons anymore. If you think there's nothing wrong with what you're doing and you opt to do so continuously, then be my guess. Let that devour your flesh and enjoy your lust that I never really understood. I don't care anymore.

Behind the Scene

Slowly, I'm starting to learn not to care anymore. Learning not to utter a word and choose to keep my silence even at the beginning of every fight.

Every argument, every misunderstanding, every disagreement over petty little things makes me care less.

I am too surfeited of this.

I never imagined our relationship would come to this, to this almost nearly ending but not quite; almost nearly letting go but can't.

We had a great beginning, greatest even; but how come we're losing it day by day? How come we seemed to be at the very edge of breaking even?

What should we do? what should I do? How can we mend this? How can we restore?

Here I am lost in my thoughts; deep in the middle of this sh!t called the real story behind every perfect relationship.

The Home I Found In You

Your face is my picture of peace and serenity; that even thousands of worries and uncertainties rumbling inside my head are calming down when I came face to face with you. Uuhhmm your eyes, the way they stares straight to my soul and how they shut the loudest scream of my anxieties up.

"You're my peace of mind in this crazy world." as the song sings; and indeed you are. Your arms are my home that I feel so damn secure; and it feels like nothing else matter when your assuring hug squeezes out the angst in my scared heart. That everytime your lips touches mine, it feels like everything will be okay though the world is falling apart.

I may not tell you all my problems, I may be concealing my fears with my smiles sometimes; but trust me, your love is the only thing that is keeping me happy despite of all the stuffs that are bothering my crazy mind and heart. Your love assures me that no matter what happen I will always have someone to come home to.

You are my home and I belong to you.

This will be the first time I am to write our story:

Looking back at almost nine years ago, we were both young and naive and full of dreams. I never realized that God gave us a glimpse of forever then. He united us never knowing that He is stamping your heart and mine of each others' name.

"Whatever happens you're his and he is yours." I guess that's what God said.

We fell apart for we both have aspirations and things to pursue; we lived our lives separately, achieving what we want to and have had relationships of our own: also, we both have had our hearts broken.

And then one night, God decided that we're both ready to be reunited. And from that moment on, we relive what we had and it was way sweeter than before. I realized that all this time, I've been looking for love in a wrong place, wrong people and wrong situation. All the while you are here right before my very eyes, I was just too blind to see and too stupid to notice.

We've been in this crazy ride of life for a while baby, and now that we're riding the waves hand in hand it is even crazier than it ever was. And today, I am just too happy and greatful that God loves us both so dearly to let us experience a love of a lifetime. To have this chance to live and be celebrated by one another.

This is our version of love; a destiny guided and made by One True King - God's gift for Dais&John.

wordsnquotes-net

“And all of a sudden, I felt nothing. And it felt great.”

— j.s. (via wnq-writers)

One thing I was not really prepared for when I chose loving you is getting hurt.

Perhaps this is just an aftermath of all the heartaches I've been through, perhaps this trauma of getting my heart broken is just a side effect of letting my guard down and not so of protecting my heart.

I am starting to be enveloped by insecurities from I don't even know where. Questions are pouring down like tears streaming down the eyes of a broken hearted girl. Am I enough? Where did my short comings came from? Am I beautiful enough? Am I really that fat? Or was I too much?

Why?!

Then, only then... I realize, I'm slowly getting back to where I was way before you even found me. To my heart shattered self. And if I can manage it before, I can definitely manage it now.

It's hard to overcome insecurities, yes; but it is always a choice between letting it envelop your being or not. It's a choice between letting it eat your flesh or let your flesh eat it. So yes, it's not easy but it's possible. I did it before and I will do it again.

I don't need someone's approval or worship or praise, all I need is myself loving who I really am; because I know who I am and to whom I belonged to. God made me, loves me and that is more than enough.

And here I am, sitting in a corner of an empty room; staring blankly at nothing.

Fvck! This is what I get after doing things that I haven't thoroughly thought about.

Here I am, asking for the divine guidance once again; after drowning myself in temporary and shallow laughters brought by beers, whiskeys and rums.

Here I am, confuse as fvck and complicated as sh!t.

Here I am, brain clouded in choosing between my want and my need; a fight between my playful heart and my faithful mind.

Here I am. Here I am. Here I am.

Anxiety attacks

Dreams are now becoming nightmares, that every morning, I suffer from chest tightening that gives me pain deep within the unknown part of my being.

I never knew what anxiety really is until I have experienced it. I thought it was just like any other stress and worries, but I was wrong. Anxiety is a feeling of extreme stress, super close to depression. Anxiety is when you worry at something so much that you can't seem to find any ray of hope. And what does anxiety do in our body? It makes us restless, it wakes us up even before our alarm snoozes. It gives us the feeling of fatigue even after we over slept. Anxiety takes away all your smiles and make them frowns - my steady fingers are now trembling with feelings I can't even explain. Tears are just running down without me even realizing it.

The struggle is real. Fighting and finding peace within my inner self is never easy. Prayer seems unheard, wept seems unseen and grief seems unending.

Anxiety eats my flesh, it's like darkness hugging all the lights. Anxiety is me; and the only light I am holding to stay alive is the hope that one day everything will be okay and all worries and fear will come to pass; and be the source of strength that will make happiness, peace and rest be genuinely enjoyed.

‪I have a long list of the things that I can no longer do according to my new found special someone. Forgive my ranting, I just can't seem to contain the feeling that I need to get away from the person who I have become just to become the person he is aspiring to spend the rest of his life with.‬

‪I don't know if he is worthy of losing myself or not. But one thing is for sure, yes I do like him. But, I love my self; and the person I am at the present. If he cannot accept me as I am, well then I am better of alone loving myself a bit more. ‬

‪So I have decided, I will gamble this. I will tell you what I want and what I don't. If in the end of it all you decided to do compromise, then I will be very happy; but if otherwise and you force me to be fitted to your non-negotiable standards, then okay, fine, goodbye. ‬

‪I might regret this decision in the future but I least I chose not to abandon my true self just to become someone's delusional dream girl. ‬

I wanted to cry, I wanted to rant, I wanted to stand firm. It took me years and years of discovering and rediscovering; tons and tons of heartaches and tears. It's really not easy to find what I was looking for in life, what I long to do; what my passion is and what life is all about, my life.

In the midst of all the chaos and heartbreaks I found myself, who I truly am. And here you are, messing things up. Messing up with my mind and heart. I admit I let you all in that easy. But if finding you means losing myself again, well then I am sorry. I just simply can't give up the person who I've become. Maybe you're worth the risk or maybe not; I don't care, that sounds mean but I can't lose myself again. It's not worth it. Yeah I can have a good future with you but a future with my true self is definitely the best!

If you came into my life with the goal of changing me to be fitted to your standards and be the woman you wanted me to be, then no. I'd rather be single living with my own standards and freedom. I'd rather spent my whole life doing things I love than living with someone and stay in their comfort zone.

I am DAISCOVERER and forever will be.

Watching The Hows Of Us with this kiddo.

Yung pamangKing mong kasabay mong lumaki kaya magkapatid ang turing nyo sa isa't isa.

I cry a lot lately. Well, actually ever since I've experienced heartache I found myself more compassionate than before.

Whenever I see people in pain it pains me too. I don't know how I became more emotional right after my heart has been broken. Perhaps that's how life teaches us.

What's more exciting is that I'm happier with my now fragile heart. I can feel the pain easier so thus the joy.

I even cry in a tiniest stuff in movies and I laugh and giggles when reading novels.

I am now full of emotions that I can now express without feeling of any guilt and embarrassment.

I guess this is life. And this is my freedom.

I long for a moment like this. Moments when all you have to do is appreciate mornings, garden flowers and celebrate it with a coffee at hand.

How could I miss a moment so much that it breaks me apart.

Let me cry this yearning and be drowned with the tears of ache. Hoping that in the future, I won't be anymore.

I wanted to tell a story of you and me. A story of how we met each other and how we end up like this. But that would bore minds. So no, I would rather tell memories that's haunting me but is making me smile with giggles at the same time. Weird isn't it?

But then I realized, we're not in a relationship nor even dating. So no, you don't deserve a spot on my blog. Our story is never to be shared, that sounds bitter and what not but it is what it is. An untold story of me and you.

Tonight, I will put a period on our story. Not that I wanted to but it is the right thing to do. This is it, the ending. I don't need to tell you why nor to explain my reasons; because of all people you should have known that what we have is nothing but a mistake.

So,

I had fun but I am done.

And when an open window is bigger than the door that has been shut, perhaps it is the right entrance all along. An entrance that you wasn't able to see clearly; but now you do. It is never too late to start anew, never too late to walk away too. And it will never be late to change path and take a different road. Life is a constant change; you make mistakes but that's okay, you'll always have a chance to change course and the flow continues. So, don't be afraid. Have that courage and faith.

If it is right, then you’ll never ever have to wonder its worth.

Never settle for anything less, for we deserve the world. We may have made tons of wrongs and mistakes but that shouldn’t depreciate our value; on the contrary it appraises it. Those hurts and brokenness sharpens and molds our heart to become a beautiful and genuine diamond. You learned from them, thus you know better. You choose if not better, then what is the best!

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