Gary B

We didn't miss it, this is it.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

Sweet dreams

I thought my one true sanctuary was sleep but dammit when I sleep I dream and sometimes when I dream it’s about her and it’s so soft and sweet and I wake up with the ghost of her cheek on my cheek, and my cheeks feel warm just like first times always do but then I’m in a bed instead of her arms wondering if we have already met before or will someday meet and if we did meet what would I do, what would I say, because I never know the right thing to do or say if I can speak at all, but I must’ve said it this time because she was so close and her lips were touching my ear between inhale and exhale then she whispered something so beautiful, something just for us, something she knew I needed to hear, I close my eyes, searching the darkness for her words as if I could pull them back to me but everything is slipping away like smoke like sand like water between my fingers and details are getting even more fuzzy and now I can’t remember what she looked like but I can still feel her, I can feel the weight of her body on mine, I can feel her white hot heart pressed against my chest burning a hole through my shirt and my skin and my bones reigniting my soul like a dying star hit by a nuclear warhead.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

Little breakdown

Well it’s springtime. Everything is waking up, bright, fresh, green, shiny and new but I’ve spent an entire autumn and quite the long winter heavily salting all my wounds so nothing could return, burying the possibilities under layers of tedious routine day in day out the same places over and over and over or maybe not leaving home at all not living just existing to keep up the routine that sometimes feels like a bigger burden to maintain but monotony is safe or at least that’s what I tell myself but I’ve been wrong before so when the weather turns and the sun seems brighter and temps go up and a couple love songs find their way to my playlist then two or three maybe four more, and I can’t stop myself from singing along, and it feels good to sing and it feels good to feel good but I know the truth and how the story ends, and I’m crooning and dancing around the kitchen while making breakfast or anytime I hear music anywhere because, well because it feels better than I’ve felt in so long and I start believing something could happen that cannot happen again because I won’t let it happen because being lonely isn’t so bad I don’t feel lonely or maybe I do because when you finally get used to it it doesn’t come and go away it’s just the way and what am I doing I gotta get outta here the sun is so bright and people are holding hands and the flowers are everywhere now painting the world in so many colors and fragrances and it’s all so beautiful and alive and my eyes feel hot and it hurts my lungs heaving in and out because I wanna breath it all in and fill the empty space with something other than nothing and I run home and slam the door behind me turn off the lights and just try to sleep all the sunny days away.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

All my tattoos have a story but some are better off not told.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

It’s been so long now, years actually, and it just never happened. Not once, maybe I finally succeeded in burning all the love out of my heart for good. Maybe this is how it was meant to be all along.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

“Maybe you should get some therapy instead of reading sad poetry”

Ever since I learned how to read and write, reading and writing have been how I escape a world that I didn’t understand. I still have my first ever poem and although it’s barely legible at this point it means a lot to me because I remember exactly where I was when I thought of it and how excited it made me to be able to make something, to create, to give a voice to my heart and thoughts. I never really let anyone read what I wrote when I was kid because I was too self conscious and because in the beginning I liked that they were just for me almost like loveletters to myself. I love reading poetry and such by others because I like to know I’m not the only one that feels like I feel and to see them get through it lets me know I can make it too. That’s why when I gained the confidence to let people see my work and friends and family say “maybe less sad poetry and vague cries for help on the internet and just get therapy already” or “you know I’m here if you need to talk instead of posting all this depressing things on social media” it may come from a good place but it just hurts, a lot. I want to do for others what had been done for me. Show them we all go through tough times and it’s okay to be honest about it. It’s the one artistic expression I have and you ruin it constantly.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

Movies I watched this weekend, Kong: Skull Island, La La Land, and Beauty and the Beast. A natural progression really. Did not enjoy the redo of Beauty and the Beast as much as I was told I would but the other two were👌🏼

[damaged-but-i-manage]

I need the books movies and tv shows, the poetry too. I need the stories about heroes, about triumph, and love. Now more than ever. I crave the escape to a world where dreams come true and and love is true. Even if I know in my heart that none of it’s true. It’s funny, as much as I talk about being heartbroken people assume I hate love and romance. Quite the opposite I am enamored with it all, I consume it as if it’s the medicine keeping me alive.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

It was just a Saturday evening, in a mall parking lot, but the sunset looked like the sky was on fire. It was quite magnificent.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

Sad little golem bone blood and meat, given the spark but still incomplete. Life you will have and never create, keep the pump safe it will surely break. Toil is your purpose break bleed and rot, don't you dare quit this is all you've got. Stay strong golem even though it hurts, after the body falls apart what are you worth?

Sometimes all you have is simply the need to go on

[damaged-but-i-manage]

your body on mine weightless as the pale moonlight breath but a whisper a promise of forever surrendering to chaos

dreams i remember

[damaged-but-i-manage]

checking fairy tales for something to break this curse other than true love is there any magic left  in this world that can save me

me, duh

[damaged-but-i-manage]

Simple things become magical when you are with someone you love

[damaged-but-i-manage]

I was finishing my day with some cardio when I noticed she was there. Right across the gym, in my eye line! I like to think of myself as a gentleman that doesn’t gawk at girls working out so I put my head down turned up the music and focused on my breathing instead. But eventually, like I knew would happen, I was glancing back and forth between my feet and her. I’m only human after all. She never looked less than extraordinary. Not once. Some girls go to the gym and go through the motions when it comes to exercise, not her, she puts real effort in. It’s undeniable. I literally know first hand because when I introduced myself to her and we shook hands I was immediately impressed by the power of her grip. She is strong. Not a common thing to admire in a lady I suppose but strength and dedication is attractive to me. Anyway where was I? Oh yeah, even while working out, sheen of sweat, straining muscles, quicker breathing, a sense of grace and poise still radiates from this woman. Get what I’m saying? She never looked uneasy or out of place. As if wherever she is at any given moment is exactly where she is supposed to be. Her long wavy platinum hair was pulled back in a tight ponytail. Once almost white, now it was smoothly giving way to softer more natural blond tones. Summer was just beginning but already her fair skin had been touched by the suns warm kiss and transitioned to a gorgeous honey color. It was easy to get caught up in the finer details of her face at this point. Cheekbones, lips, and eyes all wonderfully balanced. The truth is I never resisted their hold on me. What if this was the last time I ever saw her? A crisp clear memory of her beauty might be all I was left with. Slipping out of my reverie for a moment I looked up just as she was passing by en route to the drinking fountain. When our eyes met she smiled brightly up at me (my heart melted) and I did my best to return it without falling right off the stair machine to my doom. Quickly, and somewhat desperately, I searched the faces around me for confirmation. Did they not see? Were they under some kind of spell? A golden goddess was walking among us mere mortals and I couldn’t possibly be the only one to notice.

It’s always about her Part 2 (just stories)

[damaged-but-i-manage]

I imagined all the things I wanted to say to her. Conversations that never happened. I did this so often that I started to think I imagined the fact that we had met at all. Perhaps the whole thing was just a bedtime story I told myself so I could believe there was still hope. Months had passed since I last saw her so memories were getting less and less focused. Had we actually spoken? What color was her hair? Her eyes were, green, or was it blue? Was I even slightly witty? The more I reached out for the details the more muddled they became. I came to terms with the fact that we were not going to cross paths again (if we ever had) and it was almost a relief. At least if I invented the idea of this beautiful woman I could forgive my cowardice. Then there she was, casually strolling into the gym. Seeing her hit me like a lawn dart smacking home in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't believe it. She was real, and as my memories of her beauty and this reality coalesced into a singular image that dart became an anchor and threatened to drag me into the abyss.

It's always about her Part 1 (just stories)

[damaged-but-i-manage]

dandelions in the eyes of a child will always look like flowers

When you were young you saw beauty in everything.

[damaged-but-i-manage]

resting on a pipe that pumps deadly chemicals a bird gives no fxcks

Damn nature, you scary

[damaged-but-i-manage]

I wanted so badly to know you but I didn't know the words or what to do. she was there three feet away but I couldn't reach close enough to whisper but I lost my speech. say something I didn't know it was the last day to my everlasting shame I walked away. I'm sorry our hands and hearts will never touch I didn't get to love you so I will love the next twice as much. thank you.