Damaged-Girl[dot]net

Need more help? Have a question? Just want to chat? ASK ME P.S. - Don't worry abut sending me triggers. I have a lot of coping tools and I would be more than happy to share them with you. What’s Inside: Text posts and reblogs. This blog is written by a survivor of rape and sexually abuse who has PTSD and General Anxiety Disorder (GAD). Topics will include tips for support and just daily reflections. Anyone should feel free to ask questions about PTSD and GAD. Please read the disclaimer page for more information about what happened to me. my.story> A collection of posts about my feelings regarding my adoption, sexual abuse, and rape. Also tells my history in semi-chronological order I Am Damaged-Girl[dot]Net special.topics | adoption | acquaintance rape | rape | rape victim | rape survivor | sexual abuse | child sexual abuse | child sexual abuse survivor | GAD | PTSD | general.topics | personal |inspiration |

[damaged-girl-net]

Being exposed...

Trigger Warning: I do not think that I will be talking about any triggers but if reading about someone talking about the person who sexually abused them as a child triggers you than please do not keep reading.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I have issues, most of them are under control. I received medical treatment in the form of therapy and medication. I am still on medication, I have not found a therapist that I am really comfortable with yet.

I was sexually abused when I was 2 years old by my brother who was 13 years old at the time. I am not going to go into graphic detail of the abuse. I never have and I still choose not to do so.

Both my brother and I went through treatment. My family went through the proper channels and my brother was removed from the house while he was under going treatment. He is completely reformed and I still have a relationship with him by choice.

Here are the important things to take away from this: My brother went through treatment. He is not a pedophile. He did not sexually abuse me or anyone else after he finished his treatment. My family did the right thing by getting Child Protective Services and the Police involved.

Two years ago my mother accidentally told my sister in law, who married my other brother, that my brother, the one that she is not married to, had sexually abused me. My mother did not tell me that she told my sister in law. I found out through an e-mail that my sister in law wrote to me which had a confusing message in it.

After I read the e-mail several times I called my mother and demanded to know what my sister in law was talking about. My mother tearfully told me that she had accidentally told my sister in law about what happened. Not in any great detail, not nearly on the level of detail that the Duggar daughters have been exposed to, but it still hurt.

It felt like I had my heart torn out of my chest. I was upset for myself and for my brother. My mother had no right to share that information, it is personal information, it is mine story, not hers.

Seeing what people are saying about how they are crying because the Duggar girls are defending their brother really upsets me. No one knows, except for the Duggars, what kind of treatment the girls or Josh went through. Hearing people say that someone you love might be a pedophile is awful. Of course you are going to defend them.

My sister in law’s reaction to my brother made me feel the same way. I hate my sister in law, I did not like her before she found out about what happened to me but now I can truly say that I hate her. She does not understand that my brother is reformed and that he would never do anything like what he did to me ever again.

I do not know what kind of treatment Josh Duggar received, if he received any. As I said yesterday (x) I do not believe that the Duggar parents handled the situation properly when they found out about it. I do not believe that they are handling the fact that the police report has been leaked properly. I also do not believe that the Duggar sisters received the proper therapy that they need as victims. However, I am hopeful that the family will do the right thing, or that TLC will do the right thing and not continue the show.

Having my story “leaked” to someone else hurt me tremendously. I am sure it is hurting the Duggar sisters a lot as well. I hope the family as a whole has time to heal and get the help they need. Having their life speculated on by news media and the general public is not something they need right now.

[damaged-girl-net]

How do you feel about the Duggers?

I go back and forth about how I feel about the Duggars. Mostly because I never liked them in the first place. I strongly disagree with all of their beliefs and the majority of the words that come out of their mouths drive me insane.

That being said, the fact that the police report was leaked was awful. It is hurtful both to the victims and to the family. There is much misinterpretation going on about what the family is saying in response to this and a lot of speculation.

It is hard enough to admit that you are a victim to yourself, to your family, or to other people that you care about. Now the Duggar daughters feel like they have to defend themselves because the information that was suppose to be private and secure has been put out for the general public to read and criticize.

A friend texted me today and told me that she heard on the radio that during the interview that the girls were given that they were crying about the show being taken away from them, that they were being punished even though they are the victims.

It turns out that this is incorrect. The girls were actually upset because of the fact that the police report was leaked. The girls have every right to be upset, should they talking to the media? That is a personal decision, but if it was me I would have decided not to do an interview. I might have asked my publicist to put out a general statement that I was upset and hurt by leak of the police report and that my family is handling the situation as best as we are able to. That is all they really owe the media.

We do not know what kind of treatment the son was given. When he was given treatment? Where the girls given treatment? What kind of “safe guards” were put in place to protect the other children? None of this is anyone’s business though. Could or should have the family have handled the situation differently? I firmly believe they did not handle their son sexually abusing their daughters in the right way, however, I am not a medical professional, I am just a survivor of child sexual abuse.

In my opinion Josh should have been removed from the house, the police did not have to be involved but the parents should have still reached out to Child Protective Services (CPS). Employees of CPS are trained in how to handle situations like these and would have been able to ensure that all of the children involved would have received proper treatment.

Is Josh a pedophile as a result of this? Are his own children in danger? The answers to these questions depend on the type of treatment he received. Is there a chance that he could be a pedophile, yes, but it is very important to note that not all instances of child sexual abuse are a result of pedophilia.

Can Josh be reformed? Yes, with proper medical treatment he can be reformed. He might already be reformed, we just do not know. We also should not be trying to put him under a microscope either. The only people who should be involved in his treatment and reform is his family and medical professional.

Do the girls need treatment? Yes, without a doubt. They may need therapy for the rest of their lives because there was a significant level of trust that was broken when they were sexually abused by their brother. He is their brother, they expect him to take care of them, to love them, to protect them. He did none of these things when he sexually abused them.

What happened to the Duggars is awful. It is horrible when any family has to go through this. The pain and hurt that they went through when their son sexually abused their daughters is something that no one can fully understand, not even someone like me who has gone through this myself.

My major issue with the Duggars is that instead of trying to take care of their childern it seems more like they are trying to protect their reputation and their brand. This does not surprise me given the actions of the parents when they found out about the abuse that was happening.

I hope that the family is able to get the help that they need to deal with this situation. I honestly believe that the best thing for them would be to take themselves out of the spotlight and work on rebuilding their relationship as a family.

[damaged-girl-net]

And we are back!

So…Wow!

I know it has been awhile since I’ve been able to post both here and on my tumblr. I got very discouraged for a long time because I was having crossposting issues. I like to put my long posts here and sometimes do shorter posts on tumblr. If anyone knows how to have tumblr posts automatically pushed to wordpress script blog (that isn’t hosted on wordpress) could you please let me know? Up until this morning I did have that feature but it seems to be gone now and I’m not sure what I did to make it go away.

Okay, well what do you want to talk about?

Here is a list of things, aka triggers, that I am willing to talk about and answer questions about. I putting these all below a more cut just in case. Sometimes just the word can be a trigger for someone

TRIGGER WARNING – Multiple Possible Triggers below

adoption

abandonment

adoptive parents

mixed race adoption

biological parents

rape

rape victim

rape survival

sexual assault

acquaintance rape

sexual abuse

sexual abuse

child sexual abuse

sexual abuse recovery

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Anxiety Disorder

panic attacks

In general you can ask me about anything. I am always willing to help

Also posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=596

[damaged-girl-net]

[damaged-girl-net]

So I have these two friends. Basically I feel like one of them used me to get close to the other. And I had to force friend B to talk to friend A in the first place. Now it feels like they have both dropped me and are always meeting in secret. It is hurting my self-esteem and really triggering my abandonment issues.

Hi there Anon!

I wish I had a good answer for this for you. Being adopted I completely understand abandonment issues. It is a hard thing to deal with and even harder to overcome because it is about telling yourself that you are good enough and not giving another person the power to make you feel bad about yourself. I think this is probably something that people who are not adopted deal with as well. Anyone can have abandonment issues for any reason.

I know that it might not feel like you can talk to either of your friends about it. I am sure that you probably feel like if you talked to them they would think that you were being clingy, needy, or overly sensitive. You should know that you have the right to feel whatever way you feel about it. Your emotions are your own and you should not be made to feel bad about them.

If you do decide to talk to them I would recommend using "I feel" statements. Those are very good because it helps you convey your emotions without assigning blame to the other person. That is really the only suggestion that I can give to you as far as how to deal with the situation and maybe come to some kind of resolution.

If you really absolutely feel like you cannot talk to them no matter what then I recommend surrounding yourself with things and people that make you feel good. Sometimes avoidance is solution, maybe not a healthy one but it might be the one that your psyche can handle at the time.

Good luck!

Laterz,Laney

[damaged-girl-net]

I worry - tw: rape, tw: panic attack

I worry about people a lot. More than I worry about myself. The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who was going out rather late. I asked that friend to text me when they got home. I always do this if someone tells they are going out and I notice it is late.

I know I'm not the only person who does this. I was out with one of my other friends one night and I thought that I had texted her that I was home. I feel asleep before I actually sent the text. She drove to my house to make sure that I had made it home safe. I felt really bad the next day but I totally understand where she is coming from.

I am not sure if it has to do with the acquaintance rape or the being held up at gun point but if someone tells me they are going out late at night by themselves I worry.

It also could just be my GAD. I think I said I went of my medication. It's been 3 months now and I've not had a real panic attack. I've been depressed but I think that is mostly just the weather. I actually think I'm doing fairly well for being off my medication. Not having a panic attack is a pretty big deal. Yay for me!

Oh if there is a trigger warning for being held up a gun point can someone please let me know what it is? Thanks!

(edited to keep some anonymity)

[damaged-girl-net]

Are you still there? I've gone through some of your old posts and it is nice that you've been so open about what you have been through. But you've not written anything in awhile so I wanted to know if you were still there and if you still answer questions.

Hello Anon,

Yes, I am still here. I still receive notifications on this blog so anyone can come and ask me questions at any time. I have no problem with that. I am sorry that I have not had much to say in terms of posting what I have been dealing with the last year. Mostly, my life is kind of boring.

However, I am always here for anyone who wants to talk about any of the issues that I have written about, or even ones that I have not but you think I may be of some help with.

You can always reach out to me.

Take care,Laney

[damaged-girl-net]

TW: Depression

I really don't like winter. I swear winter makes everything worse. My anxiety gets worse, my depression gets worse. I get annoyed much more easily. I'm more insecure than ever.

Can I please take a break from winter? At least for a little while? That would be awesome. That way I can cheer up just enough to get myself to spring. I might have to go back on the drugs again. I don't want to. I just got myself off them but I think it is not good. I am still waiting to see.

[damaged-girl-net]

When you see it, REBLOG IT.

Depression Hotline: [phone]

Suicide Hotline: [phone]

LifeLine: 1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support: 1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline: [phone]

Rape and Sexual Assault: 1-800-656-4673

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

Runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale: After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

If you ever want to talk: My Tumblr ask is always open.

[damaged-girl-net]

Caffeine and Anxiety

So this past weekend I was social.  Now, keep in mind I do not normally have social anxiety, that isn’t something that I struggle with.  I do like to hang out with my friends.  In fact about a month ago we all went on a girls weekend together, and that was great.

But sometimes, if you do not give me enough warning ahead of time I will say yes to a social event and even though I really do want to go being at said event drains the sh!t out of me.  Especially when other people show up that I was not expecting.  It doesn’t matter if I like them or not.  I think it must have something to do with my GAD and PTSD together.

My GAD wants me to make sure that I know all the details of an event ahead of time, that way I feel like I have some control over the situation that I am going into.  My PTSD however does not like it when things come up and surprise me and it kind of takes all of my energy to tell both of them to shut it so that I can have a nice time.

So what did I do all day Sunday after being social? I spent pretty much the whole day asleep.  Which of course through of my sleep, I really only got 2 hours of sleep in and the whole time it was that “twilight” sleep.  You know, the sleep where you know you are asleep and the something bad happens and you force yourself to wake up.  I can’t even tell you how many times I forced myself to wake up last night (or technically early this morning).

Anyway, it is a work day so what do I do, I get a soda.  I do not like coffee, but I needed the caffeine.  It is kind of funny because I get a soda almost every morning, it is my coffee substitute.  Only this morning my phone rang unexpectedly and sent my heart off racing.  It pretty much hasn’t stopped since then.

I am pretty sure I have mentioned this in my previous posts about my recover and the hard time I had going through university, but the phone is one of triggers.  I used to walk down a street and think that I would hear the phone ringing and basically start speed walking and then running to get away from it.

So of course today when the phone rang out of no where, my lack of sleep and caffeine triggered an anxiety attack.  Oh goody.  Only now I have two meetings to get through and I have no idea how I’m going to stay awake through them without caffeine.  SMDH.

Well wish me luck!  As always, feel free to send me any asks.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=415

[damaged-girl-net]

Boredom and Journaling

Well this is the one hard thing I find about journaling, I get bored with it.  I am still here though for anyone who needs to talk.  Right now there is not much going on with my life that is that exciting.

I am still dealing with the situation with S's soon-to-be ex-wife.  Well I don't know how soon it will be because they have to be official separated for a year before they can file for divorce. Ugh!

I'm still really worried about their kids though.  I do not see things going well for them since S's wife will get custody and she is bat-shit crazy.

I'll try to write on here at least once every other week.

As always, feel free to send me an ask about anything. :)

[npr]

In the U.S., more prospective parents seek to adopt white and mixed race children than black children. As a result, many agencies levy lower fees to make it easier for parents to adopt from among the large numbers of black children waiting for placement.

Six Words: ‘Black Babies Cost Less To Adopt’

Photo: Courtesy of Caryn Lantz

[damaged-girl-net]

I am not sure what makes me feel worse, the fact that race is a factor for adoption fees or that NPR ran with this story.  I think they are both pretty bad.  IDK I guess its a good thing that people are aware that this something that happens, even though it is something that should not happen.

People should not be have to take into account adoption fees when it comes to adopting a child.  All children should be valued equally therefore there should be no difference in the adoption fee that is based on race.

[britwitch]

[paganinpurple]

[damaged-girl-net]

More thoughts on the Libby Thing

Normally I post earlier in the day, I know.  Sorry to shock you.  I haven’t been sleeping at night and I think part of it is because I’m not getting my emotions out during the day.  It’s weird though because I have started exercising and I thought that would help but not enough it turns out.  Last night I swear I think I only got like 3 hours of sleep, and I even slept with, well tried to sleep with, a sleeping mask.  Nothing, no sleep happened.  I finally gave up around 4:00 AM and just said screw it and I got up.

Anyway, I’m super worried about what Libby is going to do to my family now.  I really do not want her trying to use the sexual abuse that happened over two decades ago as some weird custody issue.  I really wish that my mom had never told her.  I was super mad at my mom at first; I do not know why she felt like she had the right to say anything to Libby.  She should have said, I cannot talk about it, that is something you are going to have to ask my daughter about.  But she my mom told her so that is that.  I have told my mom she really should never speak of it to anyone ever again.

I kind of feel bad for my mom because she said that it is part of our family history that we have to keep private and it feels like we can never truly share everything with anyone.  I really do not understand why she would want to share that bit of information with anyone but my mom is different than me in that way.  I think she believes that sharing things like that brings people closer together.  I have seen too much hatred in this world to ever believe that.

My mom wants all of us to be super close as a family; it was the way her family was before she married my dad.  After she married my dad things kind of changed, mostly because they moved around a lot and she was not able to be as close with everyone as she used to be.  You have to understand, my mom comes from a family where they had Sunday dinner every week with her parents, grandparents, her 4 aunts and 2 uncles (and their respective spouses), and of course all of the grandkids.  It was a big family and they all stayed close through these Sunday dinners.  After my mother’s mom passed away those connections became even more necessary for her.

So to go from a family like that to marrying into my dad’s family where my dad and his parents barely got along and he did not get along with his sister, well it was a huge culture shock for her.  I think she has always been trying to replace that loss of family that happened when she and my dad got married.  Which is why I think she told Libby; normally, my mom is a really good judge of character but when it comes to trying to be accepted she is not able to tell who she should really trust, and whom she shouldn’t.

Anyway, this is just a short post. I think I will post more on the difference between me and my mom tomorrow.  And how I believe my adoption makes me much more keenly aware of how awful some people can be, and why I’m so much more guarded than my mom.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=412

[damaged-girl-net]

In Conculsion; There is NO Conculsion

So I am still really bent out of shape over this whole thing with Libby and my family.  None of us have told N what Libby said, we are still trying to decide if we should.  I think we should because Libby has a big mouth and cannot be trusted.  Mom and Dad think that we shouldn’t tell him. S is pissed off at Libby but also does not want to tell N.  Now we all have to deal with the fact that Libby will not let the kids be around N, for a totally illegitimate reason.

If my parents had not done anything with N it would be a different story.  That is not the case, my parents believed me, so I got lucky.  They even called Child Protective Services on their own son!  I mean how hard must have that been?  They did it though because it was the right thing to do.  They knew that N needed help and that they were going to have to get it for him.

I know some people believe that you cannot reform sexual abusers; and in some cases that is true.  If the abuser does not want to change their behavior they will not, they will just keep on abusing.  However, if the abuser wants to change and actively commits to change and has the support of his or her family, well then they can change.  They can be reformed if they accept responsibility for their actions and recognize what they did was wrong.

N did that, and it was not just an overnight process for him.  He went to therapy and family therapy from the time that he was 13 years old well into adulthood.  The fact that Libby could even think that he would be capable of doing something like that again makes me sick and pretty much makes me wish that we were not connected to her in any way at all.  Unfortunately we now share two kids with her, which hopefully we will still get to see.

I am pretty sure that Mom and S could not handle it if Libby did the same thing that Tanya did.  I also think that S needs to get fixed since when he and Libby finally do get divorced I am sure he will not be able to stay out of a relationship for very long.  No more kids for S!  Nope, I’m not going through this mess a third time.

So that is the situation I have been dealing with for the past couple of weeks, maybe even a month now.  Thankfully I have not seen Libby since this whole thing started.

However, she just emailed me out of the blue and asked if I still wanted to go to the zoo with her and the kids.  UGH!!!  Why couldn’t just be with the kids.  I really want to go with the kids but I do not want to go with her.

She wanted to do something this Sunday but luckily I already have plans so that worked out.  I am just really worried if I keep putting it off she will tell me that I can’t see the kids anymore.  This whole thing is a mess!!!

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=408

[damaged-girl-net]

OMG its so late (sorry not proof-read)

Okay, I totally lost track of time.  So let’s see where we left off yesterday.  S had divorced from Tanya and Trudi were never to be seen again, except through the occasional blurry picture that was emailed to my mother.  I know it sounds dramatic but that is actually the way it is.

After everyone found out that Libby was pregnant we kind of started to feel good again.  It was still hard when we thought about Trudi but at least our family was starting to grow again.  S was really excited and a couple of weeks in to March little Anne was born.  Unfortunately after Anne was born Libby went psycho, she basically did not trust anyone with Anne except herself and her mother.  She worried over every little thing and it was super annoying.  We all thought it would die down eventually because she was a new mom but it never did.

Two years later Jacob was born.  At this point things in S and Libby’s relationship went from just tense to extremely bad.  S has even told me that he does not love Libby, and he did not realize how dumb Libby was.  Yes, my parents raised a brood of intellectual snobs.  I totally blame them because I really can’t even think about dating a guy who doesn’t at least have a college degree, but that’s not the point right now.  Oh, and I may have skipped over any number of happy things about S and Libby’s relationship, but since I do not know about them I cannot tell you about them.

What I can is that Libby has made it perfectly clear on many occasions that she does not trust S, the father of her children, alone with the kids for any length of time.  She also does not trust my mother, or me with the children.  She trusts her own mom, although I guess that’s cause she is her mom.  One time we were all at my parents’ house and Anne was running around while Libby was in the shower.  Libby came out to the porch and basically yelled at S in front of all of us: You are supposed to be watching Anne!  Like he was not keeping an eye on her, which he was, I was, and my mother was.  Anne would have not gotten into any trouble at all.  But since we were not hovering around her I guess Libby thought S was not doing his job as a parent.

After that I never really tried to get close to Libby.  It is hard for me to trust people that do not trust me.  I have told my mother on several occasions that Libby is a psycho and really we should just try to stay out of her way.  My mom did not believe me, which brings me to the horrible, awful, tragic point of this whole background story of my family’s current status.

My mom really has been working on trying to form some type of connection with Libby.  Something to make the relationship easier between them so that, when (not if) Libby and S divorce she will still be allowed to see her grandchildren.  Unfortunately a couple of weeks ago something happened and for some reason she told Libby about what happened between N and me (aka that N sexual abused me when he was a teenager, see previous posts).

I do not think my mom has ever told anyone outside of our immediate family (Mom, Dad, S, N, and me), well besides the social workers and case workers.  I know she never really talked about it with any of her friends.

At first I was just mad at her for telling Libby without asking me about it first.  Then I was just mad at Libby.  After she found out she sent me an email that basically said she did not want N anywhere near the kids unless she was there.

Keep in mind, and I have said this many times before, N went to therapy.  He received treatment, he is reformed.  I have forgiven; my whole family has forgiven him.  He is my brother, I love him.  The fact that she thinks, even for a second, that N would ever do anything to her kids makes me so disgusted with her that I just want to do some horribly violent things to her.

My mother is devastated, she never imaged that Libby would react this way.  Now we are stuck in this very hard place, do we tell N that Libby knows about the sexual abuse and that despite the fact that he is totally reformed she does not want him around the kids.  Or do we keep quiet and hope that Libby never brings it up.

Also, if anyone knows a lawyer can you ask them to contact me?  I want if there is anyway that I can prevent Libby from using this information against S during a custody hearing.  I especially want to know if there is any way to keep Libby from ever telling anyone about my sexual abuse, it happened to me not her.  But knowing Libby she will run her mouth of to all her friends and family and I do not think I could take her parents looking at me like I was broken or something.  Ugh this whole thing is super frustrating.

This was originally posted at http://damaged-girl.net/?p=405