so most of the time I feel like I’m kind of pretending to be functional and concealing the dysfunction in my life. I always feel like people are clued into a way to be that I am not or that I’m being critiqued based on things I can’t see. My response was to assume I should be less social so I don’t do something wrong, then I got a job @ the college I went to helping students and planning events and it was like everything wrong w me didn’t exist. Like I did the right things I felt good I didn’t feel drained or like I was performing. I worked at a front desk after that it was stressful and made me cry a lot because it was isolated and I only spoke to people who were upset typically. Now I work in sales. Under ideal conditions I can juggle professionalism AND the agenda of having to sell things, AND regulating how I should make my face or voice not just for the customer but for my managers because I do feel like even if everything goes well w the customer they can pick up something I didn’t and critique me anyway. It feels overwhelming and overstimulating and I have a hard time accounting for all of those competing factors in real time. However, when the conditions aren’t ideal it’s virtually impossible and I end up dropping the ball on all fronts. Like currently I was w out my medicine for 2 weeks and got back on it in the middle of moving so I’ve been having rolling anxiety attacks. Like my heart rate increases and I just cry without meaning to or knowing why. So when a customer comes in super anxious if my tone is short or if my voice gets raised it’s not on purpose I’m not even really aware, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay. But I also can’t not show up to work. So I feel like I’m bad at being a grown up and I’m not meant to be around people because I’m so bad at it.
titsay
discoholicmusic
germansingergirl
stormborns
2087
gracieabrams
snowghoul
