we killed the biggest roach earlier. i can’t explain the size of this animal to you. i could tell you to imagine the biggest roach you’ve ever seen, i could show you a picture of a big roach, one of those hissing ones people keep as pets, this thing was bigger. it didn’t hiss, it whispered the names of people i care about. this thing did not belong in new york. it was a mistake, an anomaly. it was a monster forgotten on earth by a god who wanted to take me down a peg. i’ll be real, i heard new york had roaches and i said pish posh! “i’m from florida!” i’d say, “i know what tropical roaches look like! roaches that don’t have to fight to live, roaches that just chill in palm trees all day! roaches supersized by oxygen rich environments!” i’d see little roaches here and there and roll my eyes at every new york horror story i’d ever heard. i was being punished for my arrogance.
this thing, man. it’s common knowledge that after a bout of heavy rain or strange weather some animals get displaced and end up in places where they normally wouldn’t venture. like in winter when a mouse ends up in your basement, or when nuclear bombs awaken godzilla and he destroys a city. this was like the latter, this is the ancient mutant hell i’m talking about.
the worst part was it being in the bathroom. like, nowhere is safe, eh? the bathroom? where i’m arguably most vulnerable? what’s next, my bed? i’ve had bedbugs too, so check! what’s left? some kind of thing where i am the bug? the bug is what i see when i look at a loved one? bugs appear in the backgrounds of old photos i’m in? i’ll be real, i have an unhealthy and specific fear of coming into contact with a bug while peeing. i give every bathroom i walk into a quick search just out of habit. and that’s why this was so fucked up. i walk in after getting home from work, glance in the tub at the mark that i always think is a bug, but isn’t, then, hey, while i’m indulging my dumb little paranoid quirk why don’t i glance up at THE BIGGEST ROACH I HAVE EVER SEEN. like, way to confirm every fear i’ve ever had in my life. remind yourself here, you aren’t picturing a big enough roach. i know! but it was bigger! i sensed it before i even saw it, my body got all cold and i could see my breath like a ghost was passing through. i ran out of the bathroom in my boxers and closed the door and i swear if i had been home alone i would have just left. like i would have abandoned everything. goodbye girlfriend, goodbye life, forget about all my papers and money and things, i’ll find a new identity untouched by the devil’s antennae.
anyways how did we kill it. we sprayed it with the beautiful elixir of death that is raid. it fell into the bathroom trashcan, we sprayed the bag, closed it up, put that into another bag, closed that, and then put that bag outside in the building’s hallway. i always see my neighbors leaving their garbage out in the hall and i’m like, “why? why do that?” and it’s clearly to distance yourself from the corpse of the insect king. i half expect to open the door tomorrow and see the bag ripped open, just a trail of poison leading to an open window. it was bigger than you’re picturing it.
