Music Blog!! Call me Sassia. She/her. 21. Avid fan of any and all music. I would die for Ryan Ross. Follow back from nyx-it. If youād like to see more of someone/thing on this blog then drop me a line!!
hey lgbts whats your vaguely concerning spotify wrapped statistic this year?? mine is the time i listened to 19 episodes of the magnus archives in one day
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A NON-COMPREHENSIVE ENTIRELY REALISTIC LIST OF MEN IN BANDS THAT I WANT TO PICK UP AND THROW LIKE A JAVELIN/BASEBALL PITCH/PIECE OF PASTA
Presented for your consideration by Julez Monstermash.
NOTE: the qualifications for me to want to pick up a man, who is in a band, and throw him like a javelin are NOT based in any malicious thought or hatred of these individual me, but an intense and complex emotional response that can only be summarized as a passionate desire to pick a man up and throw him. The men on this list are not hated, but just simply throwable. In addition to this clarification, I must note that the ranking of this list is not in any way definite, and is subject to change on any given day or hour, as my moods have been described as āmercurialā. I am in no way affiliated with ābandomā. Views expressed within are my own and not in any way reflective of those of my nonexistent employer.Ā
#10. Ryan Ross, Panic! at the Disco + The Young Veins
While I cannot in good faith categorize Ryan Ross in the group of men I would like to pick up and throw like a javelin, he bears mentioning for the fact that circa 2005 I feel that he looked like a glamorous little gay field mouse, and I would like to put him in the tiny little pocket (questionably designed for keys or coins, depending on the source of the jeans-related information) in my jeans, or the breast pocket of a nice flannel button down, and carry him around to whatever locations he needed to be transported to (eg. Walgreens).Ā
#9. Ray Toro, My Chemical Romance
Mr. Raymond Toro is a special addition to this list, and one that I was initially hesitant to include, but the fact of the matter is that I would pick up and throw him if only to hold him gently in my arms, even if only for a moment, before I am forced to throw him.Ā
#8. Jello Biafra, Dead Kennedys
I just feel like I could do it, yāknow? Like itās just a logical progression of the course of my life, leading up to this point, where eventually at my peak I find Jello Biafra and just. Launch him.
#7. Jepha Howard, The Used
Just For Fun.Ā
#6. Ryland Blackinton + Alex Suarez, Cobra Starship
This one is a package deal, specifically because - despite them both being significantly taller than me - I think I could throw them both at the same time, and they would enjoy it. While I may have mentioned that the men included in this list are not included for spiteful reasons, and that still applies to this duo, it may or may not be slightly revenge-based from the sheer number of times I have nearly been brought to tears by their co-written Cobra resignation letter.Ā
#5. Rob Zombie, White Zombie + Rob Zombie
I want to throw Rob Zombie specifically in the hopes of him writing an absolute banger of a song about being bodily thrown by some 20 year old gay bitch.Ā
#4. William Beckett, The Academy Isā¦
Upon my first experience casting my eyes upon the visage of William Beckett, the only thought that crossed my mind was āwho the fuck is this ladyā. My feelings have since developed and mutated into something resembling a desire to pick him up off the ground and throw him, not unlike a spear into a battlefield. It bears repeating that I have no ill-will towards this lady, but I do feel that were I in battle and were I to launch him like a spear into a battlefield, those stupid pointy-ass boots he wore in the Snakes on a Plane (Bring It) music video would do a nat-20 worth of damage to all of my enemies.Ā
#3. Gabe Saporta, Midtown + Cobra Starship
Two words for you, discerning reader: caber toss.Ā
To elaborate upon that statement - Gabe Saporta is a full half foot taller than me, but I would love nothing more than to pick up his stringbean ass and throw him, like a jacked to shit Scottish strongman in a kilt throws a 12ā tree trunk down a mountainside in the springtime. I must confess that I donāt know how fully Iām able to elaborate here, as I feel like the original statement speaks to my feelings enough. While this daydream scenario of mine works best with Cobra era Gabe, with the snapbacks and douchey sunglasses and the coveted purple hoodie, I would only experience a minimal sense of sorrow at throwing him now, if only for the sake of his totally real and not photoshopped into photos wife and children. The throwing wouldnāt be fatal, mind you, just moderately demoralizing.Ā
Note: if rendered for whatever reason unable to throw Gabe Saporta like a Scotish caber toss, I would settle for slapping his ass with one of those vending machine sticky hands that sticks to walls with such intensity of force that it would permanently indent his ass in a small cartoon handprint.
#2. Bert McCracken, The Used
I have nothing against Bert McCracken, and I do feel that picking him up in my arms and throwing him at a wall like cooked pasta may be something akin to a death wish. However, I would like to pick him up off the ground and throw him at a wall like cooked pasta just simply to prove the point that I, being 5ā9ā and of a decent musculature, am capable of it.Ā
NOTE: my desire to pick up and throw Bert McCracken is limited to mid 2000ās Bert McCracken, as I feel it would particularly infuriate him in 2005. As for modern day, I would now simply like to enjoy a home-cooked vegan meal with him, where we could discuss communist theory and our respective Utah-based traumas.Ā
#1. Frank Iero, My Chemical Romance
In writing this list, Iāve found myself putting off the inevitability of writing a brief piece on My Chemical Romance rhythm guitarist and backup vocalist Frank Iero. Jane Austen, in her novel Emma, wrote āif I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it moreā -- I regret to admit it, but I feel this sentiment echoed in my personal reflection on the difficult thought of explaining my deepest desire, to pick up Frank Iero and throw him at a wall like a piece of pasta plucked from a pot of boiling water, testing if heās yet been cooked to perfection. If I wanted to throw him less, I might be able to talk about it more.Ā
See, thereās a sort of universality to my desire to pick up and throw Frank Iero. In the case of many of the other men in bands contained within this list, there are specifics - specific eras or instances of their musical (or, in Ms. Saportaās case, even post-musical) careers that stand out to me as the times when I would most want to pick them up and throw them. This same logic doesnāt stand for Frank. In my years spent osmosing MCR-related content off the internet, there has never once been a time where I didnāt want to pick Frank Iero up off the ground and throw him like a sack of flour. Be it the photos drifting around of him in highschool, in Pencey Prep, any of the āerasā of My Chemical Romance, or even now, in his Joy Division masked, turtle-crushing and thirst trap-posting middle age, I want to pick his shitty little 5ā7ā shitty little rat body up off the ground, into the air, and throw him.Ā
I could write dissertation length articles on my desire to pick Frank Iero up and throw him, but we - both I, the 20 year old unemployed author of this list with far too much time on their hands, and you, the well intentioned reader - just simply donāt have the time for that. Were I a journalist for Kerrang! magazine circa 2006, I would write at length on this topic, but Iām not.
It was a few years ago at a concert. Jack was telling Alex to turn around and face him, so he (Alex) did. Jack kept saying, "Look at me, Alex. Don't look at them. They don't love you like I do. Pay attention to me." Every time Alex turned his head slightly toward the audience, Jack got louder and more insistent. Of course, everyone was cracking up. It was a funny scene. I decided to say fuck it and I started yelling for Alex's attention. I remember yelling, "No, Alex! Look at me! Jack doesn't love you like I do!" Which caught Alex's attention as well as Jack's, surprisingly. Even though I was yelling I didn't think they would hear me. He started to turn to face me and Jack straight up screeched. He said, "Don't look at her! She doesn't love you, I love you!" This spurred me further. I had their attention and they recognized my existence. I started to yell even louder, "I love you more than Jack does! I promise you! He doesn't even come close!" At this point, Jack accepted defeat and Alex turned to face the audience, we made eye contact, and he smiled at me with a very red face.
At another point, I yelled, "Zack, your smile lights up my life!" To which he also blushed and beamed at me.
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