What are signs that someone might be being groomed? How should you approach the person you think may be a victim? And, if they are being groomed, how should you proceed in a place like America where grooming isn't a crime?
Great question. My work with homeless youth involves a lot of work with trafficking victims, and this is actually something I spend a lot of time learning about and seeing in practice.
Let’s start by defining what we mean by “grooming”.
Grooming is the process where someone intentionally builds a trusting relationship with a vulnerable person in order to harm, exploit or manipulate them. There are a couple of things to keep in mind when we talk about grooming:
Grooming can take many forms. It doesn’t always look like a creepy older man trying to lure children through the internet - it can also look like a 30-something trying to date a teenager because they’re easy to manipulate, or a pimp trying to lure a homeless teen into sex work.
Victims of grooming are vulnerable in some way - they could be young, profoundly sheltered, homeless, disabled, etc. They are unable to safeguard themselves in some way. A financially independent, non-disabled 35-year-old is certainly capable of getting into a bad relationship, but we wouldn’t typically call that situation “grooming”.
Groomers build relationships for the express purpose of being able to manipulate, exploit, or harm the person they are grooming. People build close relationships with vulnerable people all the time for innocent reasons - those people are not groomers. A teacher who makes an effort to build a relationship with a shy child to help them do better in school is not grooming the child; a teacher who does the exact same thing to try to sexually exploit the child is a groomer.
Groomers are often someone the victim knows in “real life”. A lot of focus is put on internet grooming, but a person is more likely to be groomed by someone they know from their regular daily life - someone like a relative, neighbor, teacher, coach, family friend or religious leader.
Grooming can take place over very short or very long periods of time. Some groomers try to quickly build trust and exploit their victim before the victim realizes what is happening. Others may play the long game and spend years establishing trust before making their move.
Groomers will often try to build relationships with their victim’s caretakers, family or friends as they groom their victims. They will try gain the trust of people close to the victim so that they will be granted more access to the victim. This also makes it more difficult for the victim to come forward about the abuse, as the people in their lives trust the perpetrator and victim fears that the perpetrator will be believed over them.
Some of the common tactics that groomers use to get close to their victims include:
Lying about their age or identity. Adults who groom children over the Internet often present themselves as children - a 50-year-old man trying to groom a 13-year-old girl may create a fake identity and pretend that he is also a 13-year-old girl in order to gain her trust. Likewise, a 30-year-old who wishes to date teenagers may lie about their age and claim to be 20 years old in order to seem more approachable to high school students.
Positioning themselves as a mentor or authority figure. Groomers are often drawn to positions where they will be in a position of trust and authority over potential victims - this includes positions like sports coach, teacher, clergy member or the leader of a youth group (although it’s important to remember that the vast majority of people in these positions are not there to groom or harm children).
Giving praise and attention. Groomers are very good at identifying potential victims who are lonely or in need of positive attention, and they become the person to provide that attention.
Using social media. Groomers will use social media to identify, monitor and keep in touch with potential victims. They may even go as far as buying their victim a phone or paying for a data plan to make sure their victim can be in constant communication with them.
Showering the victim with money or gifts. Gifts are an easy way to quickly build a positive relationship with somebody, especially if that person doesn’t have the financial means to buy things for themselves.
Taking the victim on trips or special outings. Groomers often like to make their victim feel special - taking someone out on a trip is an easy way to do that. Trips and outings can also give them a good excuse to be alone with their victim in an unfamiliar environment, which makes the victim more vulnerable.
Providing drugs or alcohol. Drugs and alcohol can be important tools for some groomers. Younger victims can be very curious about them, and it’s easy for a groomer to convince a young person that using drugs and alcohol makes them “grown-up” and mature. Drugs and alcohol also happen to make victims much more pliable, and can create a dependency on a substance that only the groomer can provide.
Showing sympathy and understanding. Groomers often (though not always) target victims who are in difficult situations. Sex traffickers, for instance, often look for young people who have difficult home lives or generally unstable living situations. Showing sympathy to a struggling person is a quick way to build a relationship.
Pushing boundaries (especially sexual ones).Groomers often test the waters before outright abusing their victim. They may ask the victim questions that are sexual in nature (like asking if they are a virgin, or asking them what they think about sexual things), showing the victim sexually suggestive materials, or tickling and roughhousing with the victim. These actions start to normalize sexual topics in the relationship and prepare the victim to accept further boundary-pushing.
Using guilt and shame. Victims often feel weird about the boundary-pushing stuff in a grooming relationship, and perpetrators will use that to their advantage. They might make the victim feel like it was all the victim’s idea to do that stuff, and they’ll tell the victim that it’ll be the victim who gets in trouble if someone in their life finds out about it. Groomers often encourage secrets, and make the victim feel like it’s in their best interest to keep those secrets.
Unfortunately, it’s not always possible to tell if someone is being groomed - there is a reason that it can sometimes take years or even decades for cases of grooming to come to light. Signs can be subtle, or nonexistent, and a lot of the signs of grooming overlap heavily with “normal teenage angst”. Depending on the circumstances, it might take years for a victim to fully process what happened to them and realize that they were abused. With that said, though, there are some signs that you can watch for that point to someone being a potential victim of grooming:
Suddenly becoming secretive with their phone, tablet or computer. If a vulnerable person is suddenly going to extreme lengths to hide their online activities and communications - deleting chat histories, clearing browsing histories, hiding their electronics, uninstalling chat apps between uses, shutting down their screen whenever someone walks in the room - that could be a sign that there’s something bad happening.
Becoming secretive about their whereabouts and activities. A person suddenly not wanting their loved ones or guardians to know what they’ve been doing or who they’ve been with is a red flag, especially if this is a sudden change that is out of character for them.
Suddenly having expensive belongings or money that they wouldn’t normally have. If a person starts having a lot of gifts or cash and can’t or won’t explain how they came by it, that’s a potential grooming red flag. Money and gifts are some of the most common grooming tactics, and that stuff came from somewhere.
Spending a lot more time on their phone or computer. Obviously some kids naturally spend a lot of time on the computer, especially in a pandemic, but if this is a sudden change for a young person, that could be something to look into. This is especially concerning if they are also becoming secretive about their computer use, if they seem to spend a lot of time on messaging apps, and if you’re noticing other red flags at the same time.
Missing a lot of school or work, or suddenly having their performance drop. Unexplained absences and/or a huge drop in grades is a usually a sign that there’s something going on in a person’s life, especially if this is out of character for them. If something like that has started happening, it’s important to try to figure out why.
Being generally moody, anxious, depressed or withdrawn. Again, this is common for a lot of teens and young people and there are a lot of possible causes, but it’s important to take sudden shifts in mood seriously and try to figure out what’s behind them.
Showing a knowledge of or interest in sex that is not appropriate for their age group. Younger victims suddenly having an interest in sex or acting out sexual activities that they shouldn’t know about at their age is an enormous red flag for some sort of abuse. If you’re concerned about your child’s sudden sexual behaviour, it’s important to speak to a professional so you can figure out whether this is developmentally appropriate or a sign they are being abused.
Having gaps in their schedule or going missing for short periods that they can’t explain. Unexplained absences or gaps in time can be a red flag. It’s not uncommon for teens to just goof off with their friends for a few hours and not want to tell their parents the details, but if this is a pattern and you’re noticing other signs, it could be a red flag that something is wrong.
Suddenly hanging around with an older crowd. If a teenager suddenly seems to be hanging around a lot of people in their mid-20s, that’s something to be concerned about. Teens and young people are vulnerable, and it’s easy for them to be manipulated by an older crowd.
Unfortunately, as you’ve probably noticed, signs of grooming are often vague and easily be mistaken for other things. If a teenager misses school, wants a lot of privacy and sometimes seems moody, it’s possible that they’re being groomed, but it’s way, way more likely that they’re struggling with bullying, insecurity, low self-esteem, rejection, an identity crisis, their sexuality, body issues or just generally having a difficult time with puberty. Until you have a “smoking gun” (like actually seeing exploitative messages between a teen and an adult, catching a young person taking nude photos for an adult or having the victim admit what’s going on), it can be hard to say for sure when grooming is happening.
The best way to prevent or catch grooming is to build a good relationship with the victim. Make it clear that you are a safe place for them to turn to at all times, and that they won’t get in trouble for telling you what’s going on. Try to make it clear that you love them and won’t judge them for anything they tell you. Talk to them about safety and boundaries, and make it clear that adults who try to exploit them are not their friends and that they should tell a trusted adult if they ever get a weird feeling about something that’s going on. Take an active interest in their life, and stay on top of things like their school performance, friends and whereabouts.
If you do discover that someone you care about is being groomed or exploited, do not confront the perpetrator yourself. Gather whatever evidence you can and contact the authorities. You can also reach out to victim services agencies and anti-trafficking and anti-grooming agencies for resources and support. Above all, it’s important to care for the victim and remind them that being groomed is not their fault - it is always the perpetrator’s fault for choosing to victimize someone, and not the victim’s fault for thinking the groomer cared about them.
For more information on grooming, you can check out:
NSPCC (UK)
RAINN (USA)
Darkness to Light
Raising Children (Australia)
Hope this answers your question!
MM
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
kaledo-art
vaporwave
areudirty
discoholicmusic
ellievsbear
