I remember him and the night he became a Bodhisattva.
In Poland, 1944 in the camp they called Auschwitz was giving his thin soup of cabbage and potato to a doomed little girl with freckles and ringlets framing her face.
A guard struck him and he fell to his knees.
He locked gaze with the blond young man in the death’s head cap and pitied him for the loss of his soul
The young man struck him again and he smiled through broken teeth and bloodied lips he smiled.
The young man in the death’s head cap recoiled as if it were he who had received the blow he smiled as he died and the blond young man wept.
I remember him the night he became of Bodhisattva.
He died so another might live and there was redemption in his dying for that young man the young man in the death’s head cap.
I remember him, the Bodhisattva, and I say his name Eli, Eli, Eli.
It’s a fake hallmark holiday that we should shamelessly appropriate to celebrate and express gratitude for the ones we love. Friends, family, pets, coworkers, pigeons, strangers, whomever.
Or just admire and cultivate self-love. Or any kind of love.
i like to pretend i already died and asked god to send me back to earth so i can swim in lakes again and see mountains and get my heart broken and love my friends and cry so hard in the bathroom and go grocery shopping 1,000 more times. and that i promised i would never forget the miracle of being here
Fuck it's weird when you're on the cross road, you're neither where the party is nor nicely tucked in bed, so to speak. Individuality slowly starts to fade, pleasures of the world don't have the same effect as it used to... I guess we just wait and see what happens.
For your visitation and blessings, I offer you joy and gratitude.
For your graceful removal of obstacles, I offer you my sighs of relief.
For your auspices of new endeavors, I offer you my heartfelt efforts.
Lord Ganesha, divine child of Lord Shiva and Goddess Shakti, you who are the support and comfort of the numberless masses, Bodhisattva of Boisterous Service, sublimely imbued by the inexhaustible Omkara, please allow unto us all that will uplift, advance, evolve, and succeed.
“Those who have not found their true wealth, which is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakable peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they have great material wealth. They are looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love, while they have a treasure within that not only includes all those things but is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.”
Hi Lazyyogi, can you give us your full story on how you came to meditate, the benefits you have gained from it, the pitfalls you fell into before you came to this level of clarity and strength; also what happens to you when you meditate and your daily meditation routine? Apologies for the drawn out / multiple questions!
Haha no need for apologies, brother. You ask good questions.
How I came to meditate: a brief biography...
I was in the third grade when I decided that magic is real and that the adult world is painfully boring. Thanks to '90s movies and cartoons, there was a strong suspicion instilled in me that magical knowledge was out there yet hidden from me. So I set out to find it.
Greek and Roman myths became my bedtime stories and I learned as much as I could about ancient civilizations, believing that they probably knew more about magic since they didn't have modern technology.
Fortunately I'm the youngest of five children and my sisters went through a Wiccan phase when they were teens. I was in fifth grade when I found some of their old witch books and I started to practice on my own in secret.
I would play outside, exploring the thicket of nature that sprawled my family's large property. Elemental conjuring, spirit evocation, deity adoration, and sorcerous enchantment were my playtime games.
As I grew older, I continued to explore various magical arts ranging from western ritual magic to shamanism and voodoo to celtic druidry. By the time I entered high school, I had settled into a post-modern magical practice movement called chaos magic. While sporting a rather angsty name, chaos magic was actually ahead of its time both pragmatically and philosophically. For the sake of brevity, I won't delve into this further here.
I remember sitting in our beautiful green grass lawn with a shining sun overhead, staring up at the tall gently swaying trees on the day my father died. It was the summer before I graduated high school.
What's the point? I asked myself. Of magic, of fame or fortune, or of anything if it all just ends in death.
What will happen when I die? Does it even matter?
It wasn't the first time I had asked myself these and other questions but now there was a new sense of urgency. If my father, who dedicated his life to saving children and who was the kindest man I had known, could die so unceremoniously and at a relatively young age, then I may die at any moment.
The Big Questions began to vex me incessantly.
Due to my style of magic, the way I went about answering those questions was perhaps different than most. I didn't want the answers religion had to offer or the perspectives that philosophy could provide. Words and beliefs were paltry things when you could feel the cold steel of a blade against your throat. I didn't want comfort. I desired, hungered, for direct understanding.
I hadn't known this quote at the time but it is fitting:
"You have to take seriously the notion that understanding the universe is your responsibility, because the only understanding of the universe that will be useful to you is your own understanding.” -- Terence Mckenna
Around this time I had also begun reading one of my favorite works of literature ever: the graphic novel series The Invisibles by Grant Morrison. An interdimensional psychedelic odyssey of espionage and modern mythology, the comic inspired me to learn more about hinduism to better understand the story elements. Approaching hinduism from counter-cultural occultist science fiction spoke to me in ways nothing else had in my entire life.
That's when a whole new world opened up to me in terms of spirituality.
That's when I became what I suppose you could call a seeker.
Seeking and Finding
"You will not Find as a result of seeking, but if you do not seek then you will not find." -- someone
During my initial phase of seeking, one of my acquaintances was a well-known influencer within the international occult community. He brought me into Tantra, which is a skillful fusion of occultism and spirituality.
I spent the summer after freshman year of college attending any and every spiritual guru event in NYC that I could find. I met, received teachings from, and practiced the technology given by Amma the hugging saint, Babaji the enlightened disciple of Sri ShivaBalayogi, the acharyas of Yogiraj Gurunath Siddhanath, and more.
I began with mantra meditation until my focus and attention span matured enough to practice silent meditation. When I first began mantra meditation, I had a few indescribable experiences which drove home the point that there is a lot more going on with this stuff than most people realize.
Over the subsequent years, I moved on to practicing Kundalini Kriya yoga, dhyana yoga, and Advaita vedanta.
Before taking up meditation practice, I had no healthy way of dealing with challenging emotions or confusing thoughts. I would avoid situations that could embarrass me, I would often lose my temper, I was very argumentative, I would be too meek when I should stand up and I would be too aggressive when I should be at ease, I didn't understand what happiness actually was aside from pleasure and I didn't know how to be truly happy, I felt like I had no idea who I was or the point of this whole human life thing. I didn't know how to look into the parts of myself I'd rather ignore, how to deal with the squeamishness that can arise when facing those things, or how to savor the beauty of peace.
Meditation and mindfulness practice are what helped me to grow through all of that. And then some. After enough awakening experiences, I found out that enlightenment is a real thing. I decided it was the only thing really worth my time.
There is quite a bit that happened during all of this but I don't want to bore people with too much biographical exposition.
My practice
For a very long time, my main practice was the same practice that I recommend here through my blog: jangama dhyana.
When I started meditation practice--and this appears to be common for many people--I first noticed progress not in my meditation sessions but rather in my daily life. My sittings themselves were often uncomfortable and left me feeling stirred up. However, I realized that in my daily life I became more prone to unusual emotions of inspiration, affection, kindness, and joy. The weight of things lessened.
"Enlightenment is an accident and meditation makes you accident-prone." -- someone
There were times that my meditation sessions would be sweet, permeated by nectarine silence like a cosmic smile. However, most permanent shifts in my consciousness would occur when reading the words of enlightened humans. Meditation acquainted me with the authentic meaning behind the words they were using. For example, without first experiencing it, it is hard to know what 'inner silence' means other than imagining the absence of thought.
In college and for a time after, I would meditate at night. During my premed and medical school, I would meditate in the morning because there would be no telling how tired I'd be at the end of the day. Now during residency, I meditate after exercising when I get home from work. I also practice a buddhist/hindu fusion tantric method called Rainbow Body Yoga.
I left a lot of stuff out just because I didn't want this post to become a novel. I could definitely write many pages on my path thus far--perhaps enough to fill a book. I find reading that kind of biographical stuff boring but if others are curious or find it helpful, I'm always happy to share and answer questions.
Even the most exalted states and most exceptional spiritual accomplishments are unimportant if we cannot be happy in the most basic and ordinary ways, if we cannot touch one another and the life we have been given with our hearts.
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