☆ s⋆｡°✩

hater, dreamer, overthinker, people pleaser.

[daremiuv]

from a girl who has been eaten alive to you.

I always felt like I’ve been eaten alive for my whole life. Because having a vagina since birth is the only close experience that you can describe it nicely.

Growing up was not easy on me; I was not a cutesy dream girl that you can dress up and do her hair however you wish, or at least you weren’t looking at her in that way because she was a bit chubby.

I aged with the grandmas and aunties around me talking about how I did not look like a girl with that big nose and just a thin line called lips up on in chin.

So I never made peace with mirrors and cameras till I ran away from every bit of it.

I was 8 when I got called fat nearly every time in all family gatherings throughout the whole year. So I would find myself in front of the mirror doing dumb stuff to lose weight, not knowing how I could hurt myself with that shit in a very bad way. And every time someone saw me making an effort, even if it affected me zero truly, they were always saying,

“Good job, you will look like a girl now, maybe.”

And maybe it was the callings through my head mirroring them, or it was just reality for me, but I never felt like a girl until the age of eighteen.

In middle school everyone was in a relationship like it was meant to be, and I was the “girl” who was not interested at all because no one was seeing me.

So school doubled this into whatever was already happening also at home, but they were always saying they’re joking because they love me.

But I knew it was not true at all.

No, how could you love someone and be so cruel to them all the time? They never liked me. Nobody does.

So for me the only solution was shutting myself from everything and becoming the absurd existence that everyone judges.

I dyed my hair and cut it. Did it again and again to find the true me. Bought clothes for nothing, only to wear them once and watch them turn into my pajamas and not be able to close my wardrobe because they would not fit in.

I started to studying architecture because I didn’t know what I wanted from life, or I was wishing for everything, so that was maybe a way to find out. But it turns out it was the best choice I could have ever made, even though now I’m not even considering being an architect who practices it.

And through all those years, I still feel like someone is biting my flesh fresh and chewing it, because that is a journey that never really ends.

Now I know who I am, and despite all the scars from being eaten alive still showing around me, I love it that way; I still cut my hair and dye it into whatever color I want, still dress like a “homeless” in the way my dad really despises, and use the mirror only when I wake up and go to bed while I brush my teeth, and I just take random pictures of myself whenever my front camera pops up out of nowhere in a bit.

I’m the girl who’s been eaten alive and still, no, I will never truly forgive whatever happened to me. But I know these are the signals that push me to be better, and even the best, from anyone and anything.

[daremiuv]

and in the end, they will show you. this

is your

soul, with all of the things,

that you made in. are you happy with this?

you're just gonna

accept

it. because,

how you can change the faith? no.

you can't change it.

[slit-throat]

[cottageaesthetic]

[daremiuv]

17, sometimes. and now. maybe still, i don't know. i don't know where it'll go. but don't wanna count, anymore.

[daremiuv]

The ship had already sunk, but you were still looking for new culprits. You covered up your own guilt by blaming some impostors. I wasn’t even there, but had you called, I would’ve come. You know I always listened to you, but you didn’t call me, so how is this my fault? When I got the news, and i was there sooner. The ship had already sunk, but you were wishing it’s just a rumor. I walked toward you on the shore, trying to ease your pain. I thought I saw you, but I couldn’t be sure. I thought I knew you, but you were just looking for a place to pour out your poison. I didn’t even see it, maybe that could be my clouser. The ship had already sunk, could see that, didn’t know what it meant to you. Trying to put myself into your shoes. however, you kept looking for new prisoners. Left you on the shore and walked away. You blamed me just because I got away. But when I arrived, the ship had already sunk, I wasn’t even there. you didn’t even want my love. Yet, i’m still the guilty one. Then, the poison you couldn’t empty out seeped inside too, walked toward the sunken ship behind you. The ship has already sunk, I said. But you still had hope. how could someone who knows their own medicine not have hope? You made me the guilty one and returned to, sunken ship, to her. And became the captain of all you want, of sunken ship. Of her. No one could speak, no one could stop you. We waited for so long for you to learn the truth. There was no truth in your eyes there was only her. Soon you’ll took a sharp turn and it will get you on a line. And it's gonna bury you six feet under with cold cold soil. With of all my love.

[daremiuv]

When I'm alone, my brain talks. My mouth doesn't move, I listen with my eyes. My ears don't hear, I can't think staright. I don't move my hands, can't feel my body, a parasite lives in my brain that gnaws out of it. When I'm alone, it turns off my light. I look at the wall and watch the shapes. It's like Fight Club, you can't talk much about. Sometimes I call myself crazy, but I actually know. The parasite in my brain is me, I can't get rid of.

[queer-as-city-folk]

[foxeia]

Fritz Flat

[daremiuv]

I said in the middle of the night, I didn't come to this world to be loved. when i look in the mirror, it's always the same me. if even I can't bear this image, I can't imagine those at outside when theyre looking at me. maybe my purpose for coming to this world is different. maybe I wasn't created for that room in anyone's heart. maybe a letter wasn't written to me even in parallel one. maybe my soulmate died. or maybe my soulmate it’s in ancient times that i can’t reach out. I didn't come to this world to be loved. I'm not saying this to be pitied. I didn't accept this from the very beginning. but as one grows older, one realizes, I always looked for the problem in the other person, as if they were the who were hurt ones. I always thought I was superior, like I had all the beauty. but no one ever looked at me, I was like a dream walking down the street. I always wanted to shine, only for those I cared about, and they ignored me. I didn't come to this world to be loved, because beautiful people are loved. OK, maybe I'm a missing piece in the puzzle from the outside, but one way or another to them i’m unrecognizable one. I didn't come to this world to be loved, I used to think the opposite. but now I've accepted it, I don't feel the need to deny it. when I look in the mirror I don't see a beautiful image, it's always the same me. my chin is crooked, my nose is big, my face is fat, my lips are small. There are imperfections, of course, that's what makes us human, but they're also what makes us unloved. some people don't come to this world to be loved, they have other missions, that's why they exist with imperfections. I didn't come to this world to be loved, whoever I turned to gave me the cold shoulder. no one ever reached out a hand to me. I have another purpose, I haven't found it yet, but I didn't come to this world to be cared. I realize I have flaws, they are my purpose. I'm not here to be loved, I'm here to make an example to the hurt ones.

[daremiuv]

kapının çalmasını bekledim

oturdum ve bekledim.

beynimin içinde kendime yalan söylemişim

gelmeni bekledim

kapıyı çalmanı bekledim

o kapı çalacak

ve ben bekleyeceğim.

[softwaring]

[newvoguista-deactivated20180213]

[daremiuv]

I created a pandoras box. All these years, I kept her with me like a diamond all by herself and let her absorb all my darkness. I don't know if I already know, but I believe that I heard about those kind of stories were been told. She grew up with me, learned how our ways got crossed. In the end, she prepared a death potion for me without antidote. All these years she fed without expecting anything from me. Finally, she had enough then buried me alive. But I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad. It felt like a reward. As if I'd released her from invisible cage and in the second she got lost. As if her forced slavery had been paid for. I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad, I even felt relieved, felt like I should be paying for all of that. I created a pandoras box, Which I was too scared to open, I didn't know what to expect. Maybe she saw me more than me even watched me in my sleep. I don't know if her love turned into hate. But I feel like I deserved this ending case. Because silly me thinking this is what friendship is. Even when I'm in pain, I still offer her whatever I have left under that damp soil and I took all the risks. I fill the last drop flowing from my vein into a tube and give it to her. I created a pandoras box, which I forgot to lock. Because I didn't think it would turn against me. That the pandoras box would open and rip my heart to shreds. I even prayed to all the belifes, as I turn into a corpse. There's nothing left to fill under this coffin but maybe the spirit of the pandora will be released and all of my friends will give a toast while saying cheers.

[daremiuv]

I'm grateful that I chose to trust you. You should be too. I don't know where I would be if we weren't together today. Maybe my name would be so small that it wouldn't even appear on my name tag anymore, my hands would be too cold for you to hold. I don't know where I would be, maybe you would read my tombstone. But now I am grateful to you for lying on the grass with me, I envy you for being a warm sun in my cloudy weather, I envy you for turning into a colourful flower that endures my poisonous garden. It amazes me that your heart is so wide, I ask you how, but I never get an answer. Your wrinkles are visible from smiling all the time, I tell you that you will get old quickly and you laugh even at that. Sometimes it bothers me that you're always like this, because I'm always the problematic one, that you try to keep up with. I want you to cause problems, you solve problems that don't even exist. I wonder how you manage, it bothers me that you're always like this. Sometimes I don't believe it, I close my eyes tightly, you ask me what I'm doing, I don't answer, I just try to wake up from the dream. Because I know you're not real, I wish you were real. You can't be this good, you can't be this good to me. But you are. thank you, I'm glad you exist. Glad you saved me from falling, glad you tried to understand me no matter how hard was staying. I know I'm not the best friend in the world, but believe me, I'm trying. When I look at you, I'm always filled with hope, with your shine. Your light reflects on me, trying to doing it like you, but I'm your moon. I'll always be. I'll reflect your light. If you let me.

[cottageaesthetic]

[cottageaesthetic]