2020
The best possible solution is that four year periods are those that introduce us to the highest likelihood of finding a pattern or a rhythm that will carry us through the next four years. Time is indivisible just as well as it is, and that leads to some patterns being more easily visible than others. Was it 2016 when I found community in a crowd, when I saw the warmth at the top of the tree in a wave of sound, when I saw you in another. These are far too cheesy responses but I am losing my mind.
It return to you from afar. I think the last time I made a post was then, 2016, after a music festival, and I tried to clear my mind from it. It was hope, it was strong and memorable and powerful. It was worth archiving, and I love dredging up the past but not usually archiving. Now I return because of an older theme still; the woman.
I’m going to stop being eloquent. Nobody who hasn’t turned into a RayBan-selling bot is reading this. And I have to get it out quick because I’m having awful fantasies and they are breaking me. The last four years were the most involved of my life and I’m just going to focus on a girl? I finished an album and survived the first wave of a pandemic and it’s about her?
No, it’s about me mostly. Not knowing how to feel. The classic kindness or not, is she interested in being more than friends. This started differently than most, I went on a few dates with her and then she decided things were platonic. So we went platonic. But it’s been a while and we have spent a fair deal of time together and she has really started to either become really herself or I otherwise noticed and gained a deeper sense of who she is, regardless I think about her often and it turned into her being at my house and spending time with her just warmed my heart. Her smile disarmed, I had to ask her to repeat what she was saying because I had lost my attention due to a particularly loud thought. And I started thinking I should let her know how I feel. That must be the right move.
But I left town (man this was Thursday night she came over and I’m up thinking about her on Saturday night fuckkkk) and decided not to text her, and now she’s inviting me to dinner at her place on Tuesday night and saying double reasonable stuff like “come as soon as you are done” and we will have dinner/Netflix/moving and stare at the ceiling.
Several different artistic things I thought of today (thanks to the muse of the day, Adrianne Lenker). We both share the same view of the ceiling ever night. How about those golden bugs in that video? Must watch more Office, Planet Earth. Umm what about being more true to my interests? What about making my house a home? I just zoned out and then started reading this like it was an article and thought “wow that sounds familiar” but alas, it was me. This is prose.
I’m high for the first time in a while. I want her!!!! I want her as a friend like I found her to be the last couple times we hung out. I want her like I wanted her to be the mother of my children in the loud thought I had. I want her in the sense that I want to think of the same ceiling as her when she says ‘staring at the ceiling’. Man I want that one frequently. But the worst part is, well, one of the two worst parts, is that when she is present again, she’s more than my imagination gave her credit for. It’s a bit much to have to deal with a situation where I don’t want to make her uncomfortable in her home by telling her how I feel (let alone acknowledging that I don’t know why I feel that way), nor do I want to assume anything, so it’s likely just going to be a dinner and a movie where I can’t turn off my brain! When I was with her last time I could turn off my brain. I felt comfortable. I did have a reasonable thought. And I had a good time without worrying about her too much.
Maybe it will be fine. Maybe it will be everything I’ve ever wanted, all in one night. Want to hear the worst daydream I had? We piece things together slowly, one tense moment after another, until we finally submit to the full extent of our opposing passions and sacrifice ourselves to our worthy opponents while the American election rumbles on in the background.
