Am I really doing this again?
Eight months ago I sat outside in the grass while the rain washed away the steady flow of tears from my cheeks. I turned the porch light off, so it was nothing but me, the darkness, and the light from my cigarette — I remember hoping that the smoke would kill me. I felt empty. I felt like I had taken every last piece of this fiery soul I was born with, put it on a silver platter, and dumped it into the black hole that sat behind blue eyes and yellow hair. He had devoured it all. I was empty. Every second I had spent up to that moment… At the time I had spent almost 25 years building my fire up to be some roaring inferno to burn anything that stood in the way of what I was and wanted to be. And he had just …. taken it from me. Entirely. Every tiny cinder. I sat there in cold rain, wearing nothing but my underwear and a tank top. Soaked. Shivering. I wanted to feel the freezing rain down to my bones because I wasn’t sure if I could feel anything else but what had been stolen from me. It woke me up. I saw what I was. A sad, broken little girl crying and smoking in cold rain in her underwear. Pathetic. I was disgusted with myself. Something changed. Maybe it was me. I remember whispering, and then speaking, “This is not who I am. This night does not define me.” I remember stuttering the words out. I got up, dug my toes into the muddy grass, and laughed. It was a very quiet, short laugh. It was meager and timid. But it was enough. Then I spent eight months feverishly searching for my flame back. I found it quickly. I built it back up. I wasn’t the same old Kaleigh, but I was a better one for it. I’ve never told anyone about that night. It is the lowest I have ever been. But it was the night I decided I was worth more than what someone else deems me. I am treasure at the end of an adventure. I am a mountain to be climbed. I am a safe haven. I am a nurturer. I am a flowing source of happiness. I will love you. I will care for you. I am life changing. I’ve never known anyone who will forget me. I am a colossal permanent, even if only in memory. I am wild. I am passionate. I am thought-provoking. I am inspiring. Right now as I sit at my desk, typing this on my iPhone, all I can hear is my own heartbeat thudding away. It’s racing. I am thrilled by what I am. I’m thrilled to finally be okay with sharing that with others. Keep me around. Or don’t. I’ll be okay, but you’ll always catch yourself thinking, “What if…?”
