So, let’s get you (you— being whatever sorry person happens to stumble across this pathetic blog) caught up on what’s happened since my last post.
I managed to get thin. I went from 127 to 90 over the course of a few years. I had even gotten thin enough that I was becoming alright with eating again. I had started to belive was safe enough to eat without gaining the weight back.
That clearly was a mistake.
All it took was one restaurant to take me from 92 to fucking 110 in the span of a few months.
I became glutinous and now I’m fucking pay for it. All because of fucking ramen. Now I just keep gaining and it won’t stop.
Not only did I gain the weight back, now I can’t even use the methods I had used before to lose the weight again. I’m not sure if it’s because I got older or if it’s because of starving myself before taking all the nutrients I had stored up but now if I don’t eat every few hours my body sends me into a panic attack that doesn’t end until I eat something. I’ve tried to just wait it out but the panic attack only gets worse the longer I don’t eat.
I didn’t have a job back then so I could just starve myself for as long as I could possibly handle before giving myself a little something to eat.
Sure I got light headed, fainted often, and was too lethargic to really do much but it didn’t spiral into the heart palpitations that happen now. I actually enjoyed how it felt back then to starve, like my stomach was touching my spine and like if I slept too deep I wouldn’t wake up. Plus I enjoyed when I was starved enough that it almost felt like being high, I’d get clumsy and giggly.
Now it genuinely feels like I’m going to die if I try to starve myself. My vision starts to get dark, my hearing gets super sensitive, it feels like I can’t breathe, and I start losing feeling in my fingers and toes all while my heart squeezes itself in my chest so hard that it hurts and leaves me panting.
Not only do I have panic attacks when I don’t eat I also need to be functional enough to go to work, work, go home and interact with my roommates.
I also made the mistake of letting my roommates know about my disordered eating (I wouldn’t say I was Ana because I never dropped underweight even when I was 90). They always try to get me to snack and make sure that I eat everyday. It’s very sweet of them and I love them dearly but damn man, let a guy starve in peace.
Alright, this has gotten long enough. I haven’t even gotten to the point of my awful job and the bullshit that is dealing with coworkers but I’m too tired now to keep venting.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
dailybridgerton
gracieabrams
germansingergirl
kianamaiart
snowghoul
