This Is My Release

** Trigger Warning ** Complex PTSD, OCD, Depression INFP / 27

[darksideofmythougts]

fuck FUCK fuck ugh I don’t want to feel like I need to run away!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK

[paper-wounds]

Fortesa Latifi, from The Truth About Grief.

[cataplat]

cooking with trauma

[darksideofmythougts]

I feel completely frozen

[darksideofmythougts]

I noticed the pull of an addictive behavior last night and stopped it before it went any further. Pretty proud of myself for that

[lesvegas]

A few years ago while trying to find ways to commit suicide as painlessly as possible, I came across a PDF of Dr. Paul Quinnett's The Forever Decision. Thinking it might go into actual methods of suicide (I read an article once that actually did that and was trying to find it again) I started to read it, and I think I only got about two pages in before I was crying too much to actually see the words.

I downloaded the PDF to my hard drive and I open it again whenever I'm feeling too suicidal to do much else, but not enough to start booking a ride to the hospital. And every time without fail I only go up to a few pages before backing off and choosing to live another day just because suicide suddenly seems even more unbearable than whatever the hell upset me in the first place.

All the book really does is [I'm pulling a summary from GoodReads here as, again, I've read no more than 5 pages] "discusses the social aspects of suicide, the right to die, anger, loneliness, depression, stress, hopelessness, drug and alcohol abuse, the consequences of a suicide attempt, and how to get help."

But it also starts with the author kindly asking the reader to complete the book before going through with anything, and for some reason I'm compelled to really just try to read it all before finalizing everything. Despite not yet completing it (hopefully never will) I think I can safely say it's saved my life at least a few times now.

It's intentionally legal to copy and redistribute this book to keep it as accessible as possible, and it's very easy to find, but here's a link for it anyways.

[bpderanged]

"Why are you so quiet?"

Because I'm barely even here

[prinxessinwonderlxnd-deactivate]

probably needed a hug. went completely nonverbal and dissociated instead

[sandmandaddy69]

[darksideofmythougts]

I am ashamed of myself!

[bpdhorrorshow]

Sometimes I go into states of apathy. And I just don’t feel love or barely feel love for the people in my life. I know that it doesn’t last forever, but sometimes I really do have to pretend to love the people that I normally do love in my life, and it hurts a bit

[privatejoker]

if you have OCD that moralistic post it not about you. keep scrolling. i love you

[privatejoker]

yeah even the one that gave you that sinking terror and has you planning your penance behavior and going through your whole life trying to identify when you did whatever it said about prejudice or abuse or whatever. it's not about you they don't know you and they certainly don't care about you

[actually-n0thing]

[traumabody]

all i wanted in life was love and now i am terrified of it

[rainywhispersblog-deactivated20]

[darksideofmythougts]

“On some days I just feel your absence more than on others. I don’t know if it’s because missing you gets worse or because I need you or because I want to hear your voice and know I can’t. Then there are days when I nearly forget about it: when I get to be blissfully ignorant for a couple of hours and don’t think about how you’re no longer with me. But then I remember that you’re gone and it’s like a punch to the throat, a kick to the chest that knocks the air from my lungs. On some days I want to feel the pain. I want to embrace it. I want to forget that it does get better and that time does ease the pain. Yet it hurts. It hurts like it did on the first day. It hurts after a month and it hurts after a year. And in ten years it’ll hurt all the same.”

— miss missing you / n.j. (via ninasdrafts)

[darksideofmythougts]

I feel like the grief of 100 lifetimes is crashing down on me at once