[darksidersshitpost]

Strife: *to the other horsemn* See this person? My beautiful date mate? They are the single best person in the world and they deserve nothing but love and respect and-

Reader: I ate the last slice of pizza.

Strife: *glares* Bitch, are you ready to die?

-

Fury: Hey, do you have a bag?

Reader: The only bags I have are under my eyes, and they are specifically designed to carry the burned of my existence.

Fury: Literally all you had to do was say no.

-

Strife: Anytime is a good time to tell someone you love how much you love and adore them. Don't you agree?

Reader: Yes. Except at 2AM IN THE FUCKING MORNING-

-

Strife: What? Do you have a crush on War or something?

Reader: In fact, I do.

-

Reader: *turns over in bed* You awake?

Death: No.

Reader: Come on, this is important.

Death: *Sighs* Fine, what?

Reader: I love you.

Death: Lucky me, now go to sleep.

-

Stirfe: Appreciate the little things.

War: *Hugs Reader*

Reader Oh come on! I'm not THAT short!

-

Reader: Struggling to reach the top shelf*

Horsemen: Do you need me to get that for you?

Reader: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE VERTICALLY CHALLENGED!

Horsemen: *Laughs/chuckles* Okay, then.

Reader: *Moments later with a defeated sigh* Help me...

-

Reader: Who the FUCK-

Death: Language.

Reader: Oh I'm sorry, whom the fuck?

Death: *sighs and shakes his head*

-

Strife: I have a bad feeling about this.

Reader: What do you mean?

Strife: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if something is going to get you in trouble?

Reader: No?

Strife: That actually explains so much.

-

Reader: Uh, why are you all.. cheerful?

Death: What? Can't I just be happy?

Fury: Strife tripped and fell in the parking lot.

-

War: If one of our many enemy got a hold of you, I would hunt them to the ends of this planet and make them suffer.

Reader: If you asked me to kill everyone in this room, I would. Without a second thought.

Strife: Uh... you guys know normal couples don't say these things to eachother.. right??

-

War: Just be yourself.

Reader: 'Be myself'? War I have one day to win Death over. How long did it take for you guys to start liking me?

Strife: Couple of weeks.

Fury: Six months.

Reader: See, War?

Reader: 'Be myself', what kind of garbage advice is that?

-

Reader: I love you. You're the best thing thats ever happened to me.

Death: I'm the best thing that has ever happened to you?

Reader: Yes.

Death:

Death: I'm starting to feel a little sorry for you.

-

Reader: I thought you were decorating for Halloween?

Strife: I am.

Reader: You're just hanging up pictures of Death.

Strife: You said you wanted scary decorations.

-

Reader: If you guys took a drink for every bad decision you made, how drunk would you be?

Death: Tipsy.

Fury: Drunk.

War: Wasted.

Strife: Yeah, I'd be dead.

-

War: Thats ridiculous. (Y/n) doesn't have a crush on me.

Death: Yes they do.

Fury: They one hundred percent do.

Strife: They definitely have a crush on you.

Reader: Yes, I definitely, one hundred percent have a crush on you.

-

Reader: Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do? Ground me? Put me in time out? Ha!

Death:

Reader: *chained to a chair in the corner* Me and my big fucking mouth.

-

Reader: Are you mad?

Fury: No.

Reader:So sharpening knives at 2 in the morning is just a hobby?

[darksidersshitpost]

Fury: Why are War and (Y/n) sitting back to back?

Strife: Oh, they had a fight.

Fury: And they're holding hands?

Strife: Yeah. War gets upset when him and (Y/n) fight.

-

Reader: Not everyone is in love with you, you know.

Strife: Just because you are in denial doesn't mean you should straight up lie.

-

Reader: Mamma mia!

Deather: Here we go again.

Reader: *genuine surprise* MY, MY. HOW CAN I RESIST YOU!?

Death: No, I wasn't joining in. I said "here we go again" because you've done this several times today.

-

Reader: I do what I want!

War: *In the backround, used to reader's shit*

Fury: No! You can't just do what you want!

Reader: Uh yes I can! And I have!

Fury: Oh yeah? Like when?

Reader: I mean, look at War over there.

Fury & War: ??

Reader: I wanted to fuck him, so I did.

War: *Chokes and spits out drink*

Fury: You- Wait What?!?

Death: *From a different room* You didn't already suspect as much? They arent very good at hiding the fact that they're dating.

Fury: *Jaw dropped in complete shock*

Reader: Ehehehehe

War: *Blushy boy avoiding Fury's gaze*

-

Fury: Do you take constructive criticism?

Reader: Babe, I don't even take my meds.

-

Reader: God I'm so tired.

Fury: Then sleep?

Reader: No Fury MENTALLY tired.

Fury:

Fury: Then go in a coma?

Reader: Right, we're done here.

-

Death: Did you drink anything today?

Reader: I drank coffee.

Death: That doesn't count, you need water.

Reader: Coffee has water in it.

Death:

Reader:

Death:

Reader:

Death: Why are you like this?

-

War: Hey, are you okay?

Reader: nO, I'M FREAKING OUT-

War: About what specifically?

Reader: eVERYTHING SPECIFICALLY- NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS NORMAL!

War: Nothings "normal" anymore, I thought you would have gotten used to it by now-

Reader: wELL APPEARENTLY NOT!

-

Reader: Can I date War?

Strife: Hold on.

Strife: *Turns to War next to him* Can (Y/n) date you?

War: Sure.

Strife: *Turns back to reader* Sure.

-

Strife: What do you get when you mix a hormonally unbalanced, emotionally unstable person with a little ray of sunshine.

Fury: Does it look like I know?

Strife: I'm talking about you and (Y/n).

-

Death: Stop talking or they'll never find your body.

Reader:

Reader: Thats the hottest thing I've ever heard I-

-

Death after you've made a good argument: Wow, I honestly didn't know you had it in you.

Reader: To do what?

Death: Use your brain.

-

Reader: You're adorable.

Death: I've been accused of many things, but never of that.

-

Reader: Let me get this straight-

Strife: Good luck with that.

Reader: This'll take so long- Let me clarify. You barge into my house, knock on my bedroom door, walk in, wake me up at *glares at clock* 4:37am just to cuddle?

Strife: *Grinning* Yes, and?

Reader: *Shakes head* My life would be so normal without you in it, Strife.

Strife: I love you too, (Y/n).

-

Reader: *Crashes into the ground hard*

Reader: I'M ALIVE!

Fury: Are you okay?

Reader: no..

[darksidersshitpost]

Fury: OMG I HATE YOUR FACE SO MUCH WHY ARE YOU SUCH A LIFE RUINER

Reader: *is confused*

Death: *Walks past reader* She thinks you're hot.

-

Reader: Wanna hear a joke?

Death: *sighs* What is it?

Reader: My life! Because my life is a joke!

Death: Don't say that.

Reader: Aw thats swee-

Death: It has to be funny to be a joke.

-

Reader: Oh my God, I'm so tired.

Strife: You know why you're so tired?

Reader: Yeah because I-

Strife: Because you've been running through my mind all day *finger guns*

Reader:

Reader: I-

Fury: Oh for fucks sake!

-

Reader: *Deep in thought* Hey Death?

Death: Hm?

Reader: What are we?

Death: We're just tiny flakes with no understanding of our existence and our lives have no deep meaning whatsoever.

Reader: No I meant... Nevermind, goodnight.

-

Reader to Strife: FIGHT ME!!

War: Stop telling everyone to fight you, look how small you are!

Reader: My height doesn't effect my ability to snap someone's neck 97 different ways! INCLUDING YOURS!

War:

War: You can't even reach my neck.

Reader: Do you really wanna test me right now? Because I see my step stool a foot away from me. DO NOT MAKE ME USE IT!!

-

Fury: Did you eat all the sugar powdered donuts?

Reader: *Mouth full of food" No...

Fury: Then what's that on your pants?

Reader:

Reader: That's cocaine.

-

Reader: *does something stupid*

War: ... Why are you like this?

Reader: Aw come on! You know you love me!

War: *joking* Where did you get that idea?

Reader:

War:

Reader: *sniffles*

War: !!!

War: waIT I'M SORRY I DIDN'T MEAN IT I LOVE YOU!

-

Death: What is this feeling I'm having? It's as if my problems have magically disappeared and I am content and even cheerful.

Reader: Happiness, its called happiness.

Death: Happiness? Are you sure? I thought that was just a myth.

-

Strife: *has a sparkly crown on his head* I- I- don't like this!

War: *has a pink feather boa around his neck* Yeah, me neither. Death?

Death: You think you two have it bad?

Strife: ?

War: ?

Death: *comes out in a sparking pink princess dress* ...

Strife: Pffffffft BWAHAHAHAHAHA

War" *Wheezing*

-

Strife: *Eating reader's cereal*

Reader: Are you suuuuure you wanna do that?

Strife: Its cereal (Y/n), what are you gonna do? Kill me? Ha!

Reader:

Reader: WAR! STRIFE TRIED TO KISS ME!

War: *Breaks through the wall with Chaoseater* . . .

Reader: I won't but he certainly will.

-

Fury: JUST GO TO THE HOSPITAL!

Reader: Oh I'm sorry, is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it!

-

*War and Reader lying in bed*

Reader: I need you to promise me that you'll hold my hand whenever I'm scared.

War: Hmm okay.

Reader: *reaches out to grasp War's hand*

War: *looks around confused* What are you scared of?

Reader: I'm scared if I let your hand go you'll disappear.

War: *Stops functioning*

-

Reader: Truth or dare

Death: *exasperated* Truth

Reader: Do you want to kiss me?

Death: Dare.

Reader: *leans in* I dare you to kiss me.

Death: Never have I ever-

Reader ThAt'S nOt ThE gAmE!

-

*Fury and Reader glaring at eachother*

Strife: Do you smell that?

War: *Sniffs the air* What?

Strife: *Pointing at reader and Fury* The scent of sexual tension is in the air.

-

Reader: You won't kill me.

Death: What makes you so sure?

Reader: Because you're madly in love with me.

Death:

Death: Come again?

-

Strife: *Standing with the other horsemen* And here you can see the endangered (Y/n) in their natural habitat.

Reader: *Falls down the stairs and spills their cereal everywhere causing War to rush forward and help*

Strife: Natural selection is coming for this specimen.

[darksidersshitpost]

Request Rules

I'll do any length of writing just specify; One-shot, drabble, headcanon

I'll do any type (And ofc a mix of them as well); Fluff, Angst, Smut, Semi-Smut

Gender must be specified, if not the reader will automatically be gender neutral. If the reader is a different gender then the one assigned at birth let me know with a afab/amab, it helps my writing be less vague

I write for the horsemen, Ulthane, Samael,and Vulgrim. I have yet to finish the first game, so I'll add more as I play.

I'll write for sensitive topics such as but not limited to, self-harms, eating disorders, past raped. (There will be large warning labels on anything I deem sensitive btw.)

Posted: December 20th, 2021