ocd recovery blog

[darnocd]

I'm actually starting to feel a bit better. Here's what's been helping: - daily walks (at least that's what I'm aiming for) - making stuff (crocheting a hat for baby) - probably just time passing but right now I'm ruminating. My mum wants me to message her more, and right now going on my phone makes me so anxious I completely avoid it, thus cutting me off from communicating with a lot of other people as well. Here's what I'd say to her, because writing it out makes it easier to think "that's already taken care of" "I can't message you every day because when you're sad, or having a bad day, I can see it even if you don't mean to share it with me - and for reasons that aren't your fault I end up taking on those emotions, wondering if it's my fault, and then I have a bad day too, and my time right now is too precious for that. I'm getting better at it, I've done a lot of work around it, and on days when I feel capable I do sometimes message you." But I'm also terrified of upsetting my mum by not messaging her. I don't want confrontation. It feels like a tightrope walk. Not having therapy is really hard. I miss it a lot. I'm trying, and in some way maybe it's good, but those weekly check ins were amazing for me. Blaaah

[darnocd]

Wednesday Check-In 17/09/25

OCI score - 39 (Higher than last week, but that's to be expected as I just finished therapy.)

Ocd wins for the past week - In the first half of last week I really pushed myself to open the door when a parcel arrives. Also I've been doing really well at throwing things away! I'm proud of myself for that. Rumination has been not very fun but I've been recognising (with a bit of help from partner) what other factors might be influencing my mental state. I've been finding it helpful to say "thanks for that, OCD" and "okay OCD" when I get distressing thoughts in an eye-rolly kind of way. It helps me to not put too much weight on them. I also washed the clothes and bedding from when my partner had covid! I almost forgot about that. It wasn't easy, but I did it.

Ocd challenges for last week - I've definitely struggled with rumination for the past few nights. Not as badly as I once did, but enough for it to be a pain. I'm avoiding my phone and getting very anxious when I can't. I'm still sanitising the table when we get takeaway.

Ocd homework for the next week I've started watching a video about mental resilience which is really helpful so far. I'd like to finish that and find some more reliable resources I can listen to so I can keep finding new ways to improve my mental health in general. Also, exclusively breastfeeding Baby means I spend a lot of time on the sofa, so it's good to be able to feel like I'm doing something a bit mentally productive! I'll link to it when I'm done watching it. My local mental health department? Thing? Has some podcasts that might be helpful, too. I'd like to try listening to one of those. I know that if I was in therapy, my therapist would tell me to try to not sanitise the table if we get takeaway, and instead to touch it and then touch everything else I possibly can. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that, but I could try touching something new in the house such as takeaway and then "contaminating" the sofa with it. I'd also like to leave the house at some point just for fun. Go on a walk with Baby in her pram or something. Get some fresh air. Try to stay calm when I get back. I need to arrange a collection for my milk donation which will be a good opportunity to open the back door, interact with someone and not change my clothes afterwards! These last couple of days I've felt so lethargic, the kitchen has got so messy. It's not the worst it has been and it was very normal for pre-pregnancy me to go through cycles of feeling alert and motivated, and then feeling exhausted and achey. I could fall asleep right now.

[darnocd]

A bit of a ruminatey day or so, probably partly hormone related, so that's always fun. I hesitated to post that I'd been ruminating because on a bad day I could look back at this my ocd would tell me "things were terrible! see, my mind was thinking only of these terrible things 24/7, this time was stolen from me!". Which isn't the case at all, I've had many happy moments too! Baby has learned to screech like an eagle and to teeth on her toes. It's very impressive. My partner wasn't working today and we spent some time together with Baby, watched some of our show, tidied a bit of the house together.

Last night when I was having a difficult time my partner said something along the lines of

"It's late, and you're not feeling good. Now is not the time for bigger thoughts. You don't need to solve anything right now."

I found that so helpful. My partner is steady in his emotions when I am all over the place, and has endless kindness and patience for me. Words can't express how grateful I am to have him and his positive influence in my life.

Also a thought- everybody will see you through their own lens. That doesn't mean you are as that person sees you. Sometimes you don't even need to empathise or understand why they think the way they do. Sometimes just accepting that everyone has their own stuff, a million different events have lead to them being who they are just the same as a million others have lead to you being you, sometimes that needs to be enough.

[embracing-the-unknown]

You cannot police other people's opinions of you

[darnocd]

Today

A little bit of rumination today, but also some lovely time with Baby, who is now able to remove her socks using her mouth. Talented girl.

Today I've been working on answering the door. At my worst, and for a while beyond that, an unexpected knock at the door would be so stressful. I'd often literally run and hide on the stairs where no windows can see, and feel actual fear, staying completely quiet with my heart racing until whoever it was went away. OCD is wild - but after the pandemic I can see how this kind of fear came about, although it is irrational and limiting.

Today I answered the door twice! And then had a nap in my bed afterwards. (This is a big deal because my bed has been my "contamination free" zone, and my OCD can make me feel like I'm contaminated just from coming within a few metres of somebody not in my "bubble"). Whew.

[darnocd]

Yesterday

I'm proud of myself today! I tackled two things. I took out the sheet that my partner used when he had covid from the pile (it was the last thing in the pile!) behind the door in the bedroom and washed it. Hoovered the floor where it was even though my OCD was telling me that the floor would contaminate the end of the hoover and anything that the hoover touched would then be contaminated, blah blah blah, no time for that. I also emptied all the rubbish bins in the house. Fate decided to throw me an extra challenge and have one of the bin bags burst on the kitchen floor. I dealt with it in a non OCD fueled way. For context I went years and years without being able to empty a bin, take out the rubbish, and put in a new liner, because I was absolutely terrified of throwing away something important to the point where I felt like my body was almost "contaminated" with important things. If I touched rubbish or the inside of a bin I had to check it over and over, never feeling satisfied I hadn't got rid of some important scrap of paper. Today I put my whole arm in the new bin bag to straighten it out and was absolutely fine. And I couldn't step outside without feeling contaminated by outside air, so even just outside the back foor to the bins is something I'm grateful to be able to do. This opens up my world so much, being able to throw stuff away is such a huge step to being able to manage a household and give my baby the childhood she deserves, in a warm clean environment. Huzzah!

[darnocd]

Late night ruminating

I find myself ruminating again, and the clock says 2.15am, so it all makes sense. I'm ruminating about how I can control how my postpartum turns out if I'm lucky enough to have another baby one day - how I can "right" the things that went "wrong" this time, what I can say to people. I know really I can't control anything, and I know right now what I'd say to my family if I still felt like I do now - "I know a new baby in the family is a really emotional time for everyone, not just me. It's lovely that you're so excited. Last time I found managing my own emotions along with everyone else's a lot to deal with, especially while my hormones were still settling so soon after the birth - so I'm going to ask for those first two weeks again. To keep things peaceful and predictable I'm going to ask you not to visit at all for the first two weeks, even if it's to bring food, but you can stop by the hospital and meet the baby when we're in the recovery ward if everything goes smoothly. During those two weeks my partner will do his best to message you photos and keep you updated on anything important! After those two weeks we look forward to sorting out a time for you all to meet the baby properly, but I do still ask for a while that if you're struggling with something you find somebody else to confide in, and try to hide difficult emotions from me until things settle down because past experience has shown I struggle to cope. I hope you understand - you'll be an important part of baby's life once we've had some time to settle in!" Maybe now I've written that out I can stop feeling like I have to save it in my head. Maybe this isn't productive thinking. Maybe in the morning everything will feel much more manageable- it usually does! Edit: "This time I know I need to take those first two weeks a bit more seriously, as I found my mental health so fragile early on last time. I know I just need peace and predictability to regulate myself. So that I can heal mentally and physically." Use a script if you'd like to. Sound as kind as possible - this isn't about making other people feel anything, it's about getting those two weeks that you want. Stick a message on the front door if you like.

[darnocd]

Things I'd do if I didn't have OCD

AKA a (long term) to-do list.

Go on a daily walk. My baby loves pram rides and sleeps better because of it.

Use public transport. Partly this is an anxiety thing too though - I never really learned how it works and I should.

Join a baby group. I keep putting it off for fear that Baby would get sick. As she gets older I think socialising with other children will be more and more important, and I want that for her.

Hang my washing on the line outside.

Also and OCD win for the day - I washed a bag of clothes that has been sitting behind a door ever since my partner wore them when he had covid - maybe two years ago! I looked up the guidelines and washed them at 60 degrees, not 90 as I initially wanted to. I expect because it had been so long I needn't have washed them at a high temperature at all. They were probably a bit manky from having been in a bag for two years though.

I still had the feeling of contamination on them when I hung them on the dryer, but did so right next to Baby's clothes, touching many other items, and I didn't track which. I waited to wash my hands and touched my hair and dress with them. How lovely to have that little empty space behind the door.

[darnocd]

Test post! Making this blog for accountability with my OCD. Hoping to do weekly posts : ^ )